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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

DS wanted me to check if I am being mean

46 replies

yawningmonster · 30/12/2012 07:31

If your children are capable of doing the following....
get their own drink
get something out of fruit bowl to eat
walk down to bedroom to collect a wanted item
put a cd or dvd on
do you expect them to or do you do it for them?
I am happy to pour ds a drink if I am in the kitchen and ditto any of the other things if I am actually close to said item then I haven't got a problem with doing it.
Currently (keep in mind ds does have some special needs but as I said he is completely capable of doing all of the above) ds will holler for me to come to him and then demand I do something like those on the list. "MMMUUUUMMM!!! (I am at other end of house) I walk up the hallway and say "Yes DS" "Drink". "Yes, Ds you can have a drink" "You get it" "You are able to get it DS "MASSIVE MELTDOWN..."You are right there, other parents do things for their children, it's not fair, I'm thirsty, PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!

So are my expectations too high or are his?
I do know that at times he gets overwhelmed which is why I am asking but getting me to do things for him is his default setting so hard to know when he is all tapped out and can't perceive his own ability to do it or when he is just milking it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LaLaGabby · 30/12/2012 09:52

Can't believe you are starting threads on Mumsnet for DS, he should be doing that himself.

PersonalClown · 30/12/2012 09:53

My DS is 10. Mentally? More around the 5 year mark. He has autism and while he can't cook or wash himself or keep himself safe, he can and will fetch his own drinks, help himself to food (he brings it to me and asks as he has trouble articulating a full sentence beyond 'Can I have this please?')

There are some things I don't ask him to do simply because he doesn't get why they need doing .

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2012 09:58

Hothead, could I just ask where I would go for more info on the PDA strategies you talk about? Ds has DA and right now anything would help! Thank you.

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Families General parenting

BoffinMum · 30/12/2012 10:04

Not only do all my children do these things independently, I also make them do them for me. Including the three year old.

HotheadPaisan · 30/12/2012 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 30/12/2012 10:06

thank you for all your responses..lala if he could read and write I do believe he would be on here more than me!!! Also interested in more info on PDA.

PersonalClown thank you that post is really helpful...I find it hard to seperate the can't and the won't so great to hear someone who has a similar situation (DS is devel about 6ish (according to assessment) though there are times where he seems more like 2 and times when he comes across as his chronological age)

I am fairly sure this is a won't not a can't but there are times where it might be a can't like when he is overwhelmed...the reaction is the same whether it is overwhelm or DA he will meltdown when I react in a way outside his prescribed view of how I should act if that makes sense.

OP posts:

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2012 10:36

it really is HOTHED, i have to say that the anxiety is one of the things i find really hard to deal with, there is no reason for alot of it and some of it just comes out of nowhere. Ds is also diagnosed with HFA amongst other thins and i think we are as a family guilty of forgeting the PDA side of things for him. He is in a special school, but one of the hardest things is that school dont 'see it'. he seems to hold himself together at school and then we have it all at home, i know this is his safe place but sometimes, just once, i would like other people to be on the receiving end!

I will take at look at those links, thank yo so much.

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2012 10:42

links all printed out ready for todays car journey!

HotheadPaisan · 30/12/2012 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotheadPaisan · 30/12/2012 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriednotdead · 30/12/2012 10:55

My DS has HFA but appears NT to those who don't recognise the signs/quirks.

We have found that very clear explanations of what he can/is expected to do works best. He's almost 16 now and copes with most things unless they are sprung on him (this can mean giving him a weeks notice of a shopping trip!)

Your DS sounds quite articulate so hopefully you can set some ground rules- we had them written up and still have a housework rota. Even if your DS cannot read them, the fact that you have drawn them up with him and can refer to them may help you both. He will undoubtedly remember what's on there.

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2012 11:03

HOTHEAD, Msn is a bit beyond me to be honest! I would love to chat more but off out soon and currently MN between trying to pursuede ds that he does need a shower, and yes a hair wash, and yes his hair to be brushed and he has to use soaps in the shower, yes he does have to get dried.............and so it continues!!! I am more than happy to chat more about everything and SS included.

HotheadPaisan · 30/12/2012 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanyoubargainfor · 30/12/2012 11:14

that makes me feel a whole lot better now! i was scared by the MSN suggestion. We are making progress with getting out, he has now showered, hurrah and is looking likely he will be dressed at some point . think i am winning today.

sorry for Hijack OP.

GrumpySod · 30/12/2012 11:59

I encourage them to get their own needs met but if they ask nicely or it's a small effort for me then I do it for them. Trying to set an example when I ask them to do something for me. Ha!

CaseyShraeger · 30/12/2012 12:05

Generally speaking I expect them to do it for themselves, although if they are in the middle of something and ask nicely I'll often get them a drink or whatever (same as I would for DH or he would for me). The flip side is that sometimes if I'm in the middle of something I'll ask the DCs to get whatever-it-is for me.

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 12:09

Ooh, it would really piss me off if (NT) ds, 9yo, called me to come to the other end of the house to speak to him and then asked me to do something for him he could perfectly well do himself. He does shout for me sometimes but I point out if he wants something he can come and ask me!

We do end up shouting a bit just because we live in a three-storey house - I don't mind that if it's useful info e.g. 'the cat has been sick' or 'Horrible Histories is on!'

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 12:10

(HH = one of my favourite TV shows, btw.)

HecatePropolos · 30/12/2012 12:13

sod that for a game of soldiers!

I make mine do that stuff themselves.

(autism & autism + ADHD)

I'm not fetching drinks for them, going to their room to collect stuff for them, passing them fruit, etc as a matter of routine.

I'll do it if I'm right there, like I'd ask them to do it for me. But I'm not their skivvy and I don't think it's good to give them the idea that they can demand people run round after them.

D0oinMeCleanin · 30/12/2012 12:16

Dd1 is 9 - she is expected to sort her own breakfast, fetch her own drinks (cold and hot, but she is not allowed to use the microwave she must use the electric hob, due to how high up our microwave is), make her sister hot drinks, look after her own things, help her sister make breakfast, make the occasional cuppa for me , wash her cups and plates after they've been used for snacks, pop to the shop if I am busy and need something, make her own snacks if she is hungry, feed and water her dog, tidy her own room or live in squalor, wash her own clothes if there is something special she wants washing and I am not doing a load.

dd2 is 5 - she is expected to get her own cold drinks, do certain snacks herself i.e get her own yoghurts, make cheese spread sarnies etc. put her cups and plates in the sink, look after her own things, feed, water and groom her cat, help tidy her room.

notcitrus · 30/12/2012 12:18

Shouting and then whingeing "it's not fair, I have to do everything around here" seems to be normal eldest/only 6yo behaviour - not that the parents I know tolerate it but it seems to take a couple years to sink in, often helped by Brownies/Cubs and learning to make drinks for parents.

My ds and dn are 4 and I spend half my life saying "its not my job to be nice". Ds's preschool teacher says she gets told she's not very nice at least a dozen times a day! And not all from ds, either.

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