Did you deliberatley sabotage your breastfeeding?

[NewYearNewHat]

Am curious. Am bf my toddler still, but I don't want to bf any future children. However, I come from a very pro-bf family so I would feel the pressure.

DH is pro-bf but more along the lines of not seeing any other alternative iykwim. He just sees it as the natural next step and has no idea about bottle feeding/formula etc.

So I was thinking with my next baby I would start out bf and then sabotage it as much as I could, introduce formula/dummy/bottles etc.

Has anyone done the same?

I bf my second and third dc until they were toddlers and I really hated it by that stage - I wanted my body back, some freedom etc etc.

But as Eleanor said its very different with a newborn.

So if I were you I'd crack on with stopping bf the toddler - may well be tricky for a few days but it will happen. And see how you feel when you have another baby.

Its your choice as to how you feed your baby - just make your decision and tell your family if they ask that the decision has been made.

I know on here everyone has fierce battles with family/friends over bf/ff but in RL I found surprisingly few people ever venture an opinion and most people are incredibly supportive.

Good luck.

I think it bizarre to make up stories about why you can't bf this time. What about telling the truth? I have a 19 month DS who I bf until 10 months. I'm pregnant again and hoping to bf but I'm concerned about lack of sleep this time which fed into my PND last time - and coping with a toddler. I'm going to try but if I can't manage I'll simply be saying 'I can't manage it'.

I completely understand the kind of family pressure you are getting to bf. I GENUINELY had problems with bf, and my mum still put me under loads of pressure to continue with it, even though I had supplemented with formula and my supply was practically non-existent, she still didn't really believe me! She had not had any real problems with bf, and had had the benefit of daily visits from the MW when her babies were born, so she thought that people who didn't manage to bf were just lazy, basically. This didn't help my mental state at all as you can imagine. So even if you do pretend, they might not believe it's a "real" problem. Might be better to say you don't want to bf from the start, and they can either accept it or lump it.

It's still a bit weird OP. I understand that bf is not a positive experience for everyone and your hormones are still raging the whole time so your body is not really your own. But I would definitely stop BFing your toddler - I understand why you carried on until now but they must be drinking out of a cup by now surely? Just give them milk from a cup! Have some time to have your body to yourself.

I'm not going to preach to you about BFing - I'm assuming you already know the benefits but I would agree with all of those people who've told you not to lie about it. Not only is it weird to not be able to talk honestly with your own husband but it's worse to lie and tell others that health professionals told you not to. It's not just your relatives you'll have to lie to, it's also friends who might not know better and helps to reinforce BFing myths. Also, if they're that pro-BFing they will just try to "help".

I had ups and (big) downs with BFing but I expected to be relieved when I stopped at 6m but actually I was heartbroken. I let my milk dry up when we had a bug and she didn't want to feed but afterwards she'd still nuzzle for milk for ages. I just didn't expect it to be so emotional but it is.
But the main reason I wouldn't do what you suggest is that I would think it was unfair and almost....favouritism tbh. Why should one DC get the benefits of being bf'd into toddlerhood and the other get nothing? Fair dos if you can't do it and can totally understand not doing for anywhere near as long as dc1.
Anyway, do what you want but don't lie, just don't discuss it.

no,op individual actions don't impact upon bf myths,don't load that trip on her
individual bf women dont need to address so called myths others msy hold.that's hcp role
I agree lying is convoluted,and if all possible keep it brief and truthful

"Also, if they're that pro-BFing they will just try to "help"."

v good point, if you invent hurdles then they'll problem solve for you then you'll have to invent another and another

Yes just tell them you plan to formula feed and don't wish to discuss it. If your family are so breastfeeding all you will get is lots of advice on how to solve 'the problems' . I see it all the time at my breastfeeding group, new mum and baby turn up with Grandma/Auntie and Grandma/Auntie are much more invested in solving the problem than the mum. Just tell them. It is not illegal/immoral to formula feed.
I don't think sabotaging deliberately is common. I do think trying half heartedly is. Many women seem convinced that midwives will judge them for formula feeding, maybe there are some that do but most of us would rather people just told us they want to formula feed and we could support them in that choice and spend time on breastfeeding help with women who are having difficulties and want to breastfeed.

Can you speak to someone (eg GP/counsellor) about some of the issues you have with feeding and whatever else is going on for you? BTW It seems like your issues go far deeper then just feeding. Counselling/help might make you more comfortable with whichever way you choose to feed DC2.

It sounds like a) BF is only part of the problem and b) FF might not be problem free for you either?

Just say that you've been prescribed painkillers strong ones for after pains etc, something like co codomal and then you can't bf. I was bf quite happily and developed an agonising neck pain and had to to take co-codomal tablets for 2 weeks bf was not allowed due to risk to baby. By the time I could bf again milk had diminished massively and baby was happy on bottle

Thanks to the supportive posters including scottishmum and madbanners with this 'This is an individual, not a soldier in a crusade'

I could never just do ff and tell them, never. I know that if I did that whenever DC2 had a problem with something (asthma,allergy, learning difficulty, behaviour problem etc) it would be hurled at me, even if they had the manners and self-control not to say anything I know it would be what they would be thinking. I could deal with my own guilt for this but not this.

You say it is so easy to just stop bf my tantrummy, demanding toddler right now on your suggestion. If it was that easy I would have done it months ago. So not really helpful.

I don't have much support around either for them to help out with distractions and comfort while we do it either it would be mostly me with a DH who is well-meaning but had little staying-power when tantrums and crying escalates.

I did post here to hear from others who did similar, not to hear the iabu.
I think that what sandberry said is the closest, some women try half heartedly and then fail.

But surely you can just say that you think you may struggle due to the demands of your toddler? Excuse my French but fuck anyone who judges - you aren't being lazy or 'failing' and anyone who has exclusively bf knows this. Anyone who hasn't can't judge can they?

Don't say you are struggling to bf as this will lead to lots and lots of well meaning but unwelcome advice and prolong the issue.
Say in advance you'll be introducing an "occasional" bottle so that DH can help you, as it will be exhausting looking after a baby and a toddler whilst exclusively bf. Don't discuss it, just drop it in casually. If a conversation starts, be all vague and "mm-hmm" but don't get drawn in to the specifics of how and where and why you are introducing a bottle. All you need is to launch the idea.
Then do exactly what you want. You can say you are still bf at night (ie when nobody is there to witness it)
Some things really aren't worth the grief over. Take the road less confrontational if that's what you want. Some comments on here such as "it's insulting to women with genuine difficulties", "most people are adult enough to make a decision and follow it through without playing silly games" are unhelpful. You aren't required to champion bf on behalf of anybody nor are you any less adult for asking the question you have. Do what you need and want to do.

Thanks omittens good suggestions.

Sorry op you obv feel very trapped by this situation. Would it help to tell them you are giving a few bottles from the beginning to avoid same problems you've had with toddler (bottle rejection?). After spending 8 weeks persuading a very unhappy ebf baby to accept a bottle I would give regular bottles from earlier on anyway. Then as pp has said they won't know how much/little you are BFing outside the time you are there. I think generally giving them a reason for bottle feeding then just not telling them what you're doing in their absence will work better with a family like this anyway who would try to "fix" problems. Also, if you want to use the prescription idea I would say a course of antibiotics. Lots of antibiotics you can't bf till 2 hours after taking and you don't have to go into detail about why etc. I'd be concerned with painkillers that they'd start kicking up a fuss about GP prescribing something non-bf friendly for "after pains" - and otherwise you'll have to make something up that hurts etc. I think if you don't feel you can tell them the truth them you need to avoid anything where they'll be tempted to "help" you which I think they would if you just said it was a supply problem.

Don't know, but having read a few posts I was going to say in response to jaggythistle that as a failed BFer of the kind she describes (no milk due to combo of little help/tongue tie) I don't find your idea insulting. I can imagine why you'd want to; I really wanted to BF but accepted the convenience of not being tied to my baby with good grace!

Also, I didn't get the impression you were actually planning to make your baby suffer as jingle implied; you mean just tell a few porkies, yes?

As you haven't fully answered the question about why you don't want to BF (that's not me expecting an answer, you don't have to explain, although you hint that it's quite complex and painful) it does make it a bit difficult to offer help rather than opinion. So, I wouldn't lie about this one, for all the reasons given above: the well-meaning advice, the spiral of lies, the having to have your DH onboard with the lying or lie to him too. Regardless of the honesty or warrior issues, it sounds like just as much of a PITA from your perspective as the BF route. Also I don't think there are many reasons for not being able to BF at all from day 1, as in you would get medical advice not to, so it sounds as though your plan would take some time to execute and you would need to do some BF anyway. All in all, it sounds as though neither route offers a plan with no drawbacks.

You say that your failure to BF would be thrown in your face every time there was an issue. But BF can't guarantee genius, 100% healthy children. There is no way your family can stand there and insist that if you had BF your child they would be on their way to a first class degree at Oxford having experienced a blissful childhood free of disease. I know there are people on MN who hate this phrase but I do think that if you are happy, your baby is happy and frankly them being happy is probably just as important as putting both you and DC through something that makes you both miserable if you don't have to.

I hope you can get some support to help you work out your preferred route and then you and DH can be honest with your family when the time comes.

Is it possible that bfing isn't the only area where being yourself or being your own woman would constitute a giant leap into unknown and unpredictable territory with your family, OP?

It sounds more like a cult than a family tbh.

If I were you I would look into assertiveness training.

I would also try a different approach with your toddler. There are ways of leading a toddler forward even when a comfort behaviour like bfing is involved. Don't offer / don't refuse is one. Introducing new and attractive ways to get fluids into the toddler is another. A blankie or other comfort object might work too.

Getting daddy roped in to gently administer an evening feeding with mum nowhere in sight can help too. If your DC doesn't already spend about half a day (maybe on weekends) with your DH then this might be the time to start a routine that involves dad being in charge of all entertainment, all feeding and watering and all comforting. Daddy doesn't have to try anything hugely challenging like swimming unless he is capable of executing every single step necessary to make a trip to a pool a success, but has to fill half a day all the same.

Op, I second the chorus of your body, your choice. I feel that people who don't respect your decision are not being respectful of you as a person or a parent.

Frankly, I have a hunch you may be surrounded by well-meaning assholes. Perhaps it's time to call on friends and DH for the support you deserve.

I hope you find I'm totally wrong, and everyone cones round.

Er, comes round. Also:sorry for the potty mouth there.