Please please can someone help me as I am clearly sucking at this

[JustFabulous]

Just doing DS2's room. Yet again I am finding clean clothes he can not be arsed to put away. He carries them upstairs and dumps them. I have found clean clothes down the side of his drawers and under his bed. All need to be washed again. This has been going on for months, and his older brother does it too, and last week I refused to wash their clothes for 2-3 days as I had had enough. DS1 asked me too and said he would put them away so I did and he mostly has.

Why can a 7 year old not put his clothes away when asked? I have asked nicely. I have left notes (him at school when I put them in his room/find them dumped and I will forget once he is home) and I have shouted.

I am in a foul mood today. Up since 5 with bad asthma and had very little sleep. Not looking forward to Xmas at the inlaws and I am a very resentful mummy at the moment.

I have run around after them too much and that is my fault.

Please can someone tell me how to resolve this as I am close to tears here and it is such a stupid thing to be upset about.

I fold their clothes and make piles in the lounge. They stay there for days before they take them away and most of the time that is because they have been told too.

He is old enough to do it but will need supervision. Part of the bedtime routine with mine is that they have a ten min tidy of their bedrooms and put away clean laundry. I am 'about' when they are doing this and give clear, simple instructions (to the 7 and 4yr old) if i just sent them.up to do.it it would not get done.

The elder two are 13 and 10 and put laundry away but require prompting, reminding and i stick my head round the door to check they are doing it.

I font think yoi are expecting too much but it does help to get into a routine and to supervise a bit. I tend to potter and put toddlers clothes away and get her ready for bed whilst supervising, directing and helping if necessary.

I woke for the loo and then couldn't get back to sleep due to asthma. My chest is tight now as I am just so upset with how naughty and rude the kids have been this afternoon.

I have entitled kids and it is my own fault as I have spoilt them so much. I just don't know how to get us out of this mess we are in.

They are rude to me, awful to each other, I shout as frustrated and tired and there is no joy in this house. It makes me so and [embarrassed].

Have you tried reading how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk (by Faber). It has quite a lot on how the most effective ways of asking/directing kids to do stuff. If they're generally getting you down it might be worth a read. It sort of gives you a different perspective - its not so much that they're naughty but more that they don't think about stuff like that. Hope you feel better soon and have a more restful sleep tonight.

I am having trouble with my breathing at the moment and my inhaler isn't helping so I think it is an anxiet atack rather than asthma now.

I have read some of that book, and made notes, just rubbish at remembering it and what it suggests I say didn't come naturally so that added to the difficulty of remembering it all. I tried it once and it did work. How are you supposed to remember all of it though?

my 13 and 11 year old are no better

HTH

My nephews are two of the most tidy teenagers you will ever meet.

I think this may be due to the fact that when they were 9 and 7 my sister asked them to clean their room and put their clothes away.

She went up 10 minutes later and they hadn't moved.

So she told them that if they didn't tidy up NOW then she was going to throw something precious away.

She went up 10 minutes later and they hadn't moved again.

So she promptly unplugged their xbox, gathered all their games up. Made them get in the car and drop them off at the tip.

Still gives us all a good laugh today

Do you have a special time once a week when they have to tidy their rooms? Make it sat morning, before going out for a pizza or whatever they like. No tidy- no treat. You can help them at first.

Mine have tidy rooms at bedtime- they are 3and 5, and at 5.00pm we tidy for 15 mins- thanks mn:)

"how are you supposed to remember all of it though" - that's exactly what your kids are thinking.

I think you're lovely and your kids are entirely normal pains in the arses.

Of course they have to help. Of course they won't help.

I'd go with what previous posters said, don't rewash, wash less, and supervise the putting away.

DS, 12, still struggles with it. Hmmm. My goal is he will be brilliant by the time he's 16...

I do also think there's an untidiness gene. I have it so can't be surprised the kids have it too...

You are not expecting too much of them however they havve to know that you mean what you say. Making it part of the bedtime routine is good idea, make sure they don't have too many clothes and if they stuff them down the side of the bed don't rewash them

I fold the clothes for my 8 year old, then they are on their own as far as putting them away is concerned. They always make it to the wardrobe (no drawers) but don't make it to the hangers though he does know how to do it; he can't reach them!

I am really rubbish, aren't I? .

I wasn't a normal kid so don't know what is normal.

I feel so much better after you have all been so lovely. I am hesitant to ask for help as it generally goes bad but I was desperate and just want things to be happy here.

I will put their clothes away. That way their drawers will be tidy (except ds2's pyjama drawer as he always messes that up) and they will wear all their clothes instead of the same few bits as they dump them on top. I will be less stressed.

Now if I can just train them to notice when their uniform has fallen on the floor and pick it up!

Considering how over protective I am about them they are actually pretty ferel at bed times and even the youngest cuddles us and goes off to bed so we don't see their rooms before bed. I am going to change that and go back to tucking him in. I miss it. I can check his room and also sneak in an extra kiss and cuddle.

Also we dry the main clothes on hangers so they are easy to put straight into wardrobe so just pants, socks, vests to go in drawers which they do.

Sounds like a good idea to spend 10 mins together tidying rooms before bed - they like the one on one you know it's tidier. Win win.

Re the pjs, I have a DC who went through a phase of putting things in dirty laundry too soon. I found the 'save the planet, use less water and less electricity' argument worked a lot better than the 'create less work for parents' argument.

You arent crap! They are normal and it cam be bloody relentless and exhausting.

I find then ten min tidy up before bed really helps. If we dont do it it ends up a nightmare!

Hope you are feeling better soon xx

My DS used to get upset if I asked him to do more than one thing at a time. He's never been able to multi-task.

Perhaps giving instructions in very small chunks might help? And I agree with supervising so you can encourage and praise as he tidies.

My 7 YO dd would find it tricky to put a pile of clean clothes away neatly and she is a good girl and a fairly neat child. I do it myself as I know it is done properly then and to my standard, especially as I have ironed everything so lovingly.

I expect her to put the clothes she takes off each day in the wash or back on a hanger, but no more than this.

And I have three DCs and remember how exhausting it was at times.

Close the kids' doors until after Christmas

I hate to say it but my DP is still incapable of doing this and he's 41! Makes me mad!

I have a 16 yr old who does this.

Fab you are fine - I remember some of your previous threads and I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself! Most children are being arses spirited around now because they are so excited about Christmas. Lots and lots of parents lose their cool regularly and shout. Most people get exasperated with their kids about some issue or another. In fact if you showed me someone who never ever shouted or got exasperated I don't think I'd quite believe they exist.

It sounds like you let things go, which is fine (I favour the laid back approach ) but then tend to suddenly see all the worst aspects of your children's behaviour at once and panic and think "Oh god I'm doing terribly, I must sort it out right now" and try to tackle every last thing that bothers you and turn your normal-sounding, perhaps slightly on the unruly side, but nothing horrendous, boys into Perfect Peters. And then when that inevitably fails, because it's unrealistic, NOT because you're useless, before you think that, you fall back into a spiral of beating yourself up and thinking that they're terrible kids and it's all your fault, which just doesn't seem true to me at all.

Everyone has niggles with their kids which stress them out - you can't tackle them all at once. The key is to take one thing at a time and almost trick them into it with tiny tiny steps. Going back to basics with tucking them in sounds great - never underestimate the effect of making an effort to reconnect in small ways, it's easy to slip into a pattern of being disconnected.

Pick your battles. Pick the one issue that's bothering you the most (picking up dirty clothes?) and see if you can tackle this - I wouldn't try to hammer "clothes" as a singular thing because it's too broad, so do it one step at a time. You can approach things like the how to talk book in the same way, if the sentiment resonates with you, then go with that but perhaps try to assimilate one thing at a time. You don't have to use the exact phrases (I find them very fake and american) but have a flick through until something chimes with you, try to work out your own stock phrase or how you'd communicate that particular thing and try to remember that one thing. Nobody can remember an entire book in one go As you do it more it will just become absorbed into how you deal with the DC/people in general and then if you find that starts to become ineffective or you come up against a new problem, have a flick through again and see if there's anything new you can pick up.