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Parenting

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Original poster

DH shows affection by being 'rough'

30 replies

BatInASantaHat · 17/12/2012 16:38

We have a 12 week old DS and DH seems to struggle to show him affection in the form of cuddles and kisses, instead does things like squeeze his cheeks, roll him around in a rough way on his playmat or hold him upside down. I'm ok with this (aside from holding upside down, which bothers me but I can't find evidence to say it's bad for DS) when DS is in a playful mood, but DH tries the same things when DS is crying and it just upsets him further. I've tried telling him I don't think that his solutions work and that it upsets me to see DS getting so upset, but DH tells me I'm too soft and babies don't need to be cuddled all the time. He also believes we should leave him to cry when we know there isn't actually anything wrong with him as he would soon tire himself out, but I like to pacify him! I don't know what to do. It is making me dislike DH and be quite protective of DS. It doesn't help that DH is really struggling to deal with becoming a parent and I think his lack of affection could be part of this. I feel terrible about it and wonder if I am just being too soft.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and can it be resolved or should I just accept that different people have different parenting styles?

I know this is the wrong thread, but please tell me if IABU!

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JingleBel · 17/12/2012 16:43

Yanbu.

I would be like a lion if my dh did this. 12 weeks old is so young they need gentle and loving touch at this age.

Is he rough with you? Is he able to show you affection?

He needs to be told this is not appropriate and could cause harm.

He needs to man up and take his responsibility to his child, and to you, seriously.

Original poster

BatInASantaHat · 17/12/2012 16:48

Thanks jingle, part of the reason it bothers me so much is that it is out of character! He isn't rough with me at all and does show affection. His family aren't at all affectionate with each other though and I wonder if that's where it comes from. He tells me I'm being overprotective when I say it will harm ds (hence trying to find evidence that holding upside down is harmful!)

OP posts:

BillyBollyBrandy · 17/12/2012 16:50

IMO part of what makes dads great is that they will rough play and take more (controlled) risks with dc than generally a mother will.

Re the crying, again men seem (huge generalisation alert) to be able to ignore it in a way women can't. I can't, my baby crying drives me nuts - I have to sit on my hands now to stop cuddling dd2 who is 18 months if she squeals when I put her down and she is just being a pain.

BUT 12 weeks is tiny and I would say cuddle as much as ds wants. He needs to know you are close by.

Be aware though as well that your dp may just be repeating his dm andhow she brought her kids up, which will probably have been very different to how you want to. No doubt your dm has ideas too but it is easier to ignore your parent than your partner.

Interested in this thread?

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beckyboo232 · 17/12/2012 16:53

Yanbu! 12 weeks is tiny if baby was 2 then I would say ok and just different parenting styles etc. but 12 weeks is in my opinion just too young, all baby will want is a cuddle and I would be having words if it were me.

JingleBel · 17/12/2012 16:53

Just be firm with him then and explain that he must be gentle with him. You are allowed to be overprotective. You don't need evidence you know instinctively what is right for your child.

He just needs to learn. Could it be bravado? Maybe he is putting on a brave face and underneath is terrified? You need to talk to him.

Original poster

BatInASantaHat · 17/12/2012 17:30

Billy I agree with all you say about dads, and I know he'll be great with him when he's older, I just don't think he really 'gets' that a baby needs a different type of attention to a toddler. I also wonder if he is repeating his fathers behaviour.

jingle I wonder if it is bravado as I get the feeling sometimes he is a bit out of his depth, but when I try and address things like this he gets very defensive. I am going to try again though!

OP posts:

DoctorAnge · 17/12/2012 17:37

The things you describe are too rough for a tiny baby.

I thought you were going to say with a 6 yo or something. DH also rough plays with DD and they karate chop and kick each other but she is participant and adores it! When it's too much she can say en

DoctorAnge · 17/12/2012 17:38

Enough.
You need to tell him v honestly it is too much for a little one!

QTPie · 17/12/2012 17:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2012 17:53

Pease tell your husband to stop holding a 12 week old baby upside down.

YourHandInMyHand · 17/12/2012 17:56

I too thought you'd be talking about an older child but then realised you meant a 12 week old baby! Babies of this age need gentle care, and the reassuring bond of their mum and dad, not to be left to cry and cry. There's a reason mums cannot leave their babies to cry - we are hardwired not to!

Do you know any other parents you could spend time with so he has other dads to hang out with and talk to?

Could you show him this thread or would that make him upset and angry?

tiktok · 17/12/2012 18:00

Holding a 12 week old baby upside down is very frightening for the baby, and not safe physically, either. Squeezing cheeks ditto.

Persisting with rough play when the baby is clearly objecting is horrible - actually, very unkind and cruel. Two and three year olds understand a bit more about the world and rough play, and can enjoy rough and tumble....a baby has no way of understanding and the only way he can communicate 'stop' is to cry, or (some babies learn to do this, after being frightened too often) they 'switch off' and don't react, in a vain attempt to keep a low profile.

This is nothing to do with parenting styles, it's just facts.

You absolutely need to explain this in clear terms to your DH.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2012 18:01

look at the warning at the bottom of this article

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 17/12/2012 18:10

Oh gosh. We were told to hold baby upside down at baby yoga and told it was good for them. . .none of us initially wanted to but none of the babies minded.

I think Deborah Jackson mentions similar in 3 in a bed but I might be mis remembering.

Narked · 17/12/2012 18:18

I'd ask him if he'd be doing that if your baby was a girl. He can be tender and gentle with his DS as well as playing with him.

MrsMerryMeeple · 17/12/2012 18:30

Can you find any "dad groups" where he can spend time with other fathers who are being gentle with small babies? If he's struggling with becoming a father, seeing other tough guys being gentle, and being able to talk with fathers of other small babaies could be just what he needs. Even if it's not an official fathers' group, maybe spend time socially where there are other small babies, soft play cafe or so forth?

Pendipidy · 17/12/2012 18:34

by DH was the same. as was with the next one too. some men just can't do cuddling. They have to do throwing on the settee, holding upside down and general rolling around....babies are quite resilient! i told him a million times not to, but it didn't go in.....

Pendipidy · 17/12/2012 18:34

my ds, even, and was....blimey..just too tired to type!

Pendipidy · 17/12/2012 18:35

DH! arghh!

garlicbaubles · 17/12/2012 18:51

Introduce your husband to your baby's fontanelles. They will not close fully until the baby's nearly two. Ask him if he thinks it's a great idea to let gravity see what it can do with his son's brain and a couple of holes in the skull ...

Also ask him to imagine, if he were sore / unwell / frightened / in an unfamiliar situation, how much help it would be for a creature 10 times his size to push him around on the floor and poke at his head.

Above all, teach him that babies do not think, feel and act like adults. The whole point of being a baby is that they have no life experience at all, no ability to detach from a situation and make judgement calls, no theory of mind and are extremely small. Parents are there to nurture and protect them. A baby can't think "Oh, Dad's just playing", neither can it push him off or tell him to get lost.

A size comparison is often very useful here. (Shouldn't be needed, but I've found it helps!) Baby's weight and height? DH's? Draw them out to scale. Now find something proportionally that much larger than DH. You'll probably find you're looking at roughly 10x his weight and 3x his height. A full-grown bull weighs 1,200 to 1,600 pounds and stands 6ft high on all fours.

Junebugjr · 17/12/2012 19:05

You need to step up and put some rules down here, before your baby gets injured. How is your relationship in general?
At toddler age, they like 'rough' play. But at 12 weeks!! If anyone was holding my baby upside down or rolling them round roughly at this age I would have kicked them out of the fucking door.
Will he actually listen to you if you tell him to stop?
Carrying on with this behaviour when the baby is crying is abusive.

Iggly · 17/12/2012 20:08

There's something odd going on here IMO. I wonder if it's some sort of way of showing resentment. Is he adjusting to fatherhood at all?

I would not put up with any of that quite fucking frankly.

DoctorAnge · 17/12/2012 20:18

great post garlic.

I will never forget what DDs Great Ormond St. paed consultant said when discussing the myth that babies are "tough", he said "If people were to do my job they would see babies really don't bounce and how fragile they are..they would see the dreadful after affects of all the accidents"

Your DH needs to be more careful with the baby. He would feel absolutely awful if he caused damage from his handling.

Original poster

BatInASantaHat · 17/12/2012 21:32

Thanks for all your comments, I'm really glad I posted as it reassured me I was right and your comments gave me the arguments I was looking for to formulate a discussion with DH. He was a bit defensive at first but eventually admitted he has no idea how to show affection to a baby as his only experience is his brother who treated dnephew in the same way. He also spoke more about just how much he's struggling to adapt to fatherhood, which I think has done both of us some good.

He has promised not to hold him upside down! I have also stressed to him the difference between babies and slightly older children and I think he can now see where he has been going wrong.

I should point out that he doesn't carry on doing this when baby cries, but that he thinks because baby seems to enjoy it when playing that it might work to stop him crying. Think clueless, rather than malicious.

OP posts:

PPL · 17/12/2012 21:46

We also held babies upside down in baby yoga, definitely before 12 weeks, and DS loved it! Am sure it is safe when done in 'gentle' manner!

Apart from that I agree with other posters and am glad you have had a good chat with DH

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