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Original poster

New mums versus experienced mums

74 replies

soah · 11/04/2006 18:27

I am a new mom and although i welcome advice from other mums i hate it when they think they know it all and new mums are incompetant.When i was pregnant i was so sick of hearing "oh my god you have no idea what your in for!" and I was thinking I know but I cant wait to find thats why im having a kid If i didnt want to know and find out for myself i wouldnt have bothered getting pregnant in the first place!!

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UCM · 13/04/2006 07:14

I have been the most insufferable 'busybody' for years, having had no children of my own. Giving advice that I had read. When I had DS everyone said, 'not giving you any advice as you have probably read something already, but you wait you insufferable old bag'.

Now I still give advice, can't help it, it comes in the form of 'Well, I was on Mumsnet the other day and you shouldn't.........

hellywobs · 13/04/2006 08:23

I think this tpoic came up on another thread a few weeks ago and I too hated all the ghastly predictions when I was pregnant, so much so that I became a bit of a recluse on the last few months. I felt very smug when ds slept through at 5 weeks old (12.30 to 7). I actually DID find having a newborn relatively easy (if you are getting your sleep it is easy - they just eat sleep and poo until they're about 6 months old.) My ds did not get more demanding until he was about 9 months old and that had a lot to do with the fact that he suffered from something akin to reflux so every time you fed him it was like playing Russian roulette - will he throw up or won't he? Very tedious and I was glad once he started walking (at 15 months) and stopped doing it!

As for the getting out the house by 10am issue, when ds was about 4.5 weeks old I went to an NCT coffee morning and a lady with 2 kids told me how wonderful I was was to be able to get myself dressed and out by 10am! Now I have to get myself and ds (now 3.5yrs old) ready to go out by 7.10am....but life changes as they get older.

hellywobs · 13/04/2006 08:26

I forgot to say that I hate the books too - they all treat as an average what is actually early. I even read somewhere the other day that if your child does not sit on his own by 7-8 months that is a risk factor for a mental disability!! What a load of tripe and how scary is that? I know babies who have not sat on their own until 10 months and they are certainly not suffering from any mental difficulties. If I were going to give advice to new nums it would be "don't read the books!!"

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hockeymum · 13/04/2006 08:59

I purposefully did not tell my sister in law about the hard bits once she got pregnant, thinking I was doing her a favour. She turned round to me after she had her baby and said "I can't have a relationship with you or other friends who had children first and didn't tell me what hell it was. I'm too hurt that I've found the last year hell and can't be around you anymore, you owed me a duty of telling me birth hurt, breastfeeding hurt and I'd sit in my room crying all day all on my own with a whingy baby".

I was so shocked and hurt by her attitude. The reason I didn't tell her was that when my dd was born 3 years earlier and she phoned me once when dd was a couple of months old, I had been crying and said "It's so hard, she's feeding all the time, I've got an infection in my section wound, my boobs are bleeding and I don't get a minute to myself" her attitude was "well, you chose to have a baby you can't complain about it now" so from that point I didnt see the point saying anything less than positive to her about parenting.

She's obviously a difficult person, and it just goes to show you can't do anything right, if you tell people its bad, you offend those TTC or who have adopted, and make people think you are a whiner, if you don't tell them it's bad then they hold it against you when they have their own!!

beansprout · 13/04/2006 09:04

I used to hate all the "just you wait" stuff from mums with toddlers when I was pregnant/with a new born. Then again, I have a teenage step daughter so I used to trump them with "aha, just you wait until they are teenagers!!" So nuh.

blueshoes · 13/04/2006 09:04

My first baby was a difficult one temperamentally. Nothing another mum or HV said ever worked, even though I was initially desperate. Now I realise I know my baby best and what works for one baby will not necessarily work for mine. I never ask for advice and never accept advice anymore (save with a simpering smile, hoping that will shut them up).

blueshoes · 13/04/2006 09:06

Hellywobs: "I forgot to say that I hate the books too - they all treat as an average what is actually early."

haha, so true, The First Year What to Expect book is a prime offender. Just fodder for worry.

KayVeeKayBee · 13/04/2006 09:54

I get annoyed with unwanted advice as well but now I have 4 months experience under my belt, I am trying not to do the same thing with my friend who just had her dd 6 days ago.
I'm not trying to get one-up on her and do try not to offer advice unless asked but I am sure it slips out sometimes. I want to discover things for myself as a new parent and wish the same for my friend, but I also want her to know that I have some understanding of what she is going through - in case she feels alone.
I just discovered that I put my foot in it a few months ago by strongly voicing my opinions on breastfeeding. Now I've discovered that we have different opinions on the issue. As if being a new brand mum isn't stressful enough, she probably remembers my comments from that time.
Anyway, I'm just saying sometimes people can't help but to give advice - even before the fact. I think, in most instances, the best thing to do is pretend to listen. You'll find you will probably do the same later on.

sniff · 13/04/2006 11:19

I am probably one of those moms I had no friends who had had babies when I had my first son and just wanted to ask someone closer to my age than my mom loads of questions so now when someone gets pregnant I will listen and chat with anyone that wants to!!

Its people who dont have kids but give me well meaning advice I object to so I think I have come out with the advice wait till you have your own sorry

compo I am about to have third and didnt find it harder really with 2 and the second was much easier than the first

CarlyP · 13/04/2006 11:29

i think the point about mums2b dishing out advice is soooo annoying, thats when you want to turn round and say, "you juist wait". some can be so bloody testing....

like, "oooo, is he allowed that lolly............wont he sit down for long then?...(when ds aged 2 had been seating in a rest for 1hr, then started whinging so i let him get down for a while...."

and some times its the fathers 2 b who 'know it all...' they can be even worse.

dont try and give advice or make judgements if you dont know about it!!1

RANT OVER!!!!

MissChief · 13/04/2006 11:35

my neighbour collared my son as he proudly ate his lollypop (reward from hairdresser for sitting still on his 1st ever visit) saying to me "you're not giving him that are you, he'll be jumping all over the place and they're v fattening"
ds - eats almost entirely organic, home-made food and is as thin as a rake, but I'm not so precious as to deny him such a treat, ffs! She meanwhile is rather overweight and clearly is in dire need of her own motherly advice!

lazycow · 13/04/2006 11:35

Am I the only one who doesn't get annoyed with any advice. I just listen and take what I want out of it. I'd rather people gave me their opinions than said nothing but then I've never liked awkward silences.

Hopecat · 13/04/2006 12:40

I think it depends on the spirit in which the advice is given - and the spirit in which it's received.

If the person advising is doing so in a passive-aggressive manner (i.e. veiled competitiveness) this can be extremely aggravating and often upsetting. I think this happens more often than is admitted.

Also of course new mothers/mums-to-be are generally dealing with all sorts of new worries and understandably usually not at their most grounded. (Sounds like lazycow is the exception).

Why don't more experienced Mums just let it be known they are there to help and advise if needed, and leave it at that? Then nobody has a reason to get uppity. Not that we always NEED a reason...

red37 · 13/04/2006 12:45

I have 3, but I would not object to new moms giving me advice,imo, you can get sound advice off either.

drosophila · 13/04/2006 13:11

I remember being pg wit no 1 and DP's sister telling me HOW difficult it was going to be. I tried to deflect her by saying at least it will be easier than our mothers time. OH NO she said it is much more difficult now. Sorry can't accept that I said my mother didn't have running water or electricity. She still tried to suggest it was easier back then. Unbelievable!

I used to shut other tactless Mums up by saying- 'Do you regret having them, then?' That usually did the trick.

crunchie · 13/04/2006 13:28

Like someone further down the thread said, it is annoying when they give you advise as a new mum, BUT as an 'experienced' mum it is even more annoying to be given advise by people who don't have kids.

I do rememebr dh and 1 looking at my neice and saying (not to her parents) how we were going to do things differently. And we do, to some extent. But I also remember telling my SIL (other brother) when she was pg what sort of pram she was going to need!! We had a massive fall out over it! Lasted months!! Apparently I upset her so much by spouting my opinion, that it was the straw that broke the camels back, and she blamed me for all the 'well meaning' advice she had heard for months!!

Now 4 years on we get along fine (she is a neurotic cow) and DH and I laugh behind their backs at the way they do things. I also tell her off to wind her up :)

For instance we are seeing them at my parents this w/e and my mum will be handing out V small chocolates in the evening (just before bedtime) and my SIL is most upset about this, as her kids are not really allowed chocolate! and certainly not before bed. She wanted me to back her up on this one!! I told that my kids will be asked to share their chocolate with their poor cousins as their mummy is too mean to let them have choclate before bed!! :) It was a joke, but she started to go off on one!!

Pagan · 13/04/2006 13:44

I like to listen to advice when it's asked for but hate when everyone flings their tuppenceworth in. I do remember being very hormonal and sensitive when my two were first born so keep this in mind when speaking to my pal who has just had a baby. What really gets me is the continual 'lets talk nothing but baby' conversations. Bore me rigid. Just because I've already got two kids it doesn't mean I want to talk about them or anyone elses for hours on end. They are small human beings and all are different so can we just have a different conversation please, just for a minute!!!

anniemac · 13/04/2006 13:48

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Kathy1972 · 13/04/2006 14:01

I like advice but like others below, absolutely detest the 'just you wait...' type comments.
I had a horrible smug receptionist at the doctor's the other day say when I mentioned my current morning sickness 'Just wait, it gets worse.' B*tch! (Anyway I had hyperemesis last time so I could have told her a thing or two about sickness....)

Mamapossum · 13/04/2006 21:43

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peaches27 · 13/04/2006 21:51

Well I was an expert before I had my 2, having read all the books. Not quite so confident but still knew it all when I had child 1, felt a bit more of a novice when child 2 came. Now I am bringing up two grandchildren and I realise that I know bggr all. The more you have, the more you realise they are all individuals so there is no way you can know it all.

blueshoes · 13/04/2006 22:31

so true peaches27. The ones who know the most know that it's best to keep schtum.

cat64 · 13/04/2006 23:27

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cat64 · 13/04/2006 23:28

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chipmonkey · 14/04/2006 02:24

Mamapossum, you think your MIL is invasive? My Mum was wondering why ds1 seemed to need to suckle all day without taking a break. ( he was another who slept all night) She came over to me, LIFTED MY BREAST!!!! and said, "Well, you seem to have plenty!" I felt like a dairy cow at a market!

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