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Parenting

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Original poster

New mums versus experienced mums

74 replies

soah · 11/04/2006 18:27

I am a new mom and although i welcome advice from other mums i hate it when they think they know it all and new mums are incompetant.When i was pregnant i was so sick of hearing "oh my god you have no idea what your in for!" and I was thinking I know but I cant wait to find thats why im having a kid If i didnt want to know and find out for myself i wouldnt have bothered getting pregnant in the first place!!

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compo · 11/04/2006 18:30

Ah yes, I can sympathise. I am pregnant with no.2 and people are forever saying to me 'you've been so lucky with your ds, you don't know what's in store' becasue he was/is a good baby/toddler. And they say 'it's so much easier with one' etc etc. It drives me mad too!!

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 18:31

Yeah, I remember that! It sucks and it's one of the things I vowed never to say to another mum! I suppose for them it's a bit like breaking the ice, inappropriate though, however once you've had your baby I bet you find yourself biting your tongue to stop yourself from saying something similar!

Most mums just want to help, but that comes across rather awkwardly and as new mums are particularly sensitive, they tend to take things too personally. Just smile, nod, say thank you and then ignore. They're not doing it just to annoy you, but I admit it takes lots of patience and tongue biting to deal with it!

kalex · 11/04/2006 18:35

"Just coz you have had one good baby, doesn't mean you'll get another" - hated it.

"Oh shes not reached that phase - just wait"

I could go on

I have just accepted that with motherhood there will be comments, and filter out most of them!

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compo · 11/04/2006 18:38

Kalex - I hate the first one so much!! It's as though it's just down to good luck if you have a good baby (which I know some of it is) but it's also down to effective parenting (well, I like to think so anyway!!)

Original poster

soah · 11/04/2006 18:39

I am an hairdresser so forever had to listen clients giving me un wanted advice!!I am not ungrateful but i just think it was a bit much all the times.They spoil it for new mums sometimes they make it sound so awful and just when your thinking oh god what have done , they finish off with , "but it so worth it , I wouldnt be without him/her!!!!!!!!!"

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 18:42

Just remember that your baby is an individual, they are nothing like their babies or the babies they know, they are YOUR babies and no-one can tell you how your baby will be.
I was told all sorts of things about my two, completely untrue most of them. But I do know where you are coming from. Ds has a lovely shock of curly blonde hair and everyone keeps telling me that it'll grow out and turn dark - why can't they just let me revel in it for a while? But he's now 28 months old and still has his blonde curly locks - so there!

Original poster

soah · 11/04/2006 18:48

I know new mums are sensitive , and also nervous I told someone the other day that my 9 week old slept from midnight until 7am, (blessed i thought) and they were saying "Oh my god a breast fed baby to sleep that long is very strange" so then i started reading through all my books again, like a lunatic. to make sure nothing wrong with him !!!!

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Original poster

soah · 11/04/2006 18:53

Books are also a bit of nightmare , you read a few then realise everyone contradicts each other! So definately down to individual baby and how you want to bring them up

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Goldfish · 11/04/2006 18:54

It goes on for years though. My 2 are 11 and 12 and a real couple of kevins, but people say to me even now " you haven't got a clue yet, wait until they are teenagers then you'll know what worry is".

juliab · 11/04/2006 18:56

It's a difficult one, though, I think.
When I was a new mum, I was desperate for wise advice from friends with babies. But found the ones who really knew their stuff kept tactfully quiet (thinking they might upset me) and I only got comments from the tactlessly unhelpful ones.

christie1 · 12/04/2006 11:01

I am not a new mom. I tend to wait until I am asked for advice. I am in the all moms need to sort out for themselves what works and trust their instincts. Having said that, learning from what others have done is a good way to learn. why reinvent the wheel and all that if you don't have to. I try not to say this is what you "should" do and tell them what works on one child may not work on another. I find I am better at offering more general advice, like, hang in, you won't always feel this tired, or yes, he will potty train when he is ready. Just the other day a mom at playgroup was sharing here potty training woes. I said I had one basically train himself and be done by 2 and another who was 5 before he was done. I advised her child would train when he was ready so try not to get too stressed about it. She lookedat me with relief and said thanks, I am so glad to hear that.

lockets · 12/04/2006 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissChief · 12/04/2006 11:07

you know, I think we're just jealous of you 1st timers ..
I have to bite my tongue when I hear things like
"us mums are all quite good at getting out for 10am, aren't we?" [er, no actually, lots of us are up at crack of dawn, getting everyone sorted and then out on the school run, been to the shops, tidied up, been back home and then out again for 10 actually!"

AnnieSG · 12/04/2006 11:07

I really remember those comments too, although I know I suppose I'm a relatively 'experienced' mum (still feel at sea sometimes, all the same!).
I think there is a very unsisterly thing going on sometimes with pregnant women, that 'ha! you've got NO idea' thing from mothers.
I have tried not to do it myself.
And yes, 'just wait' is horrible too and very common.

TinyGang · 12/04/2006 11:16

'You've got all this to come'. God if I heard that once I heard it a million times. I can remember being in tears after dh's family gleefully painted such a picture of doom.

I have three now. I wouldn't dream of saying it to anyone. It's so pompous. Half the stuff I was supposed to have 'all to come' never materialised anyway. It's a load of b$$&*s. Ignore! There's nothing like becoming a mother to attract unwanted 'advice' and 'helpful comments' by the truckload.

Callisto · 12/04/2006 11:18

Yes, I don't understand these 'just you wait' comments to pregnant women. Why can't people just congratulate and encourage? When I was pregnant I remember telling people not to tell me anything about childbirth and raising children as I got so fed up with negative comments.

Soah - there is so much oneupmanship with some 'experienced' mothers. It is sad and I hope I never make anyone feel awful.

MeAndMyBoy · 12/04/2006 11:22

yep same here and if you dare to do anything differently to how the people around you are doing it - it's completely wrong.

That's why MN is so great :) DH calls it the font of all knowledge.

shellybelly · 12/04/2006 13:11

didn't get it so much from experienced mums but I had this from a girl who worked in my office where i used to work 'ooh think of all the sleepless nights blah blah' she didn't even have any children, infact i did end up having an 'argument' with one guy at work because of all the negative comments he was giving and again he didn't have any children!! felt better once i had gotten it off my chest tho (i was about 6mth pregnant at the time as well)

lilstarry1 · 12/04/2006 16:12

Shellybelly - Agree with what you said! In both cards that came from both the people I work with and DP's work mates over 50% of the comments were "no more sleep/money/couple time/sex/happiness/life for you anymore" . The ones who DID have babies didn't seem to make such broad assumptions.

I think for the most part, people are just trying to be helpful BUT so many people give really generic advice! What really gets my goat are the mums who forget what a newborn baby is like.. I have a 'friend' who tuts when my LO cries and frequently testifies her baby "didn't cry/whinge" at all. I find that a little hard to believe! I guess we all forget the bad stuff, but I refuse to be one of those mums who later on paints an image of the perfect baby to others. If anyone asks I make sure I convey just how much hard work it CAN be, and also how rewarding/special/amazing it is.

tallulah · 12/04/2006 17:34

There is another side to this. It is really irritating when someone who is pg with their first is pontificating about what they are/aren't going to do with their child. Or the mum of a PFB looking at your older children in horror and telling you what you've done wrong... ( and you can smile a secret smile and know that hers will do exactly the same.. after all my children weren't going to eat sweets/ watch TV/ whine/ have temper tantrums/ wake me up at 5am.. but of course they did all that and more.)

(it is also very frustrating on mumsnet when a first-timer tries to tell someone who has been through it that they don't know what they are talking about- dummy thread- say no more)

rarrie · 12/04/2006 17:54

Let's face it, unwanted advice is annoying in all guises!

The ones that particularly annoy me are when I have my 'standards' which I don't impose on other people, but is just the way I raise my DD. For example, she is 2 1/4 now and has never had sweets or squash or fizzy. I used to hate it when she was younger, other mums offering her squash to drink and when I asked for water, them replying "You'll learn" or "That'll soon change, your standards won't last long!" Actually I'm quite impressed that my now 2 year old loves her veg, has sparkling water /water to drink happily and think raisins and other pieces of dried fruit are sweets. No it might not last much longer, I know she'll wise up eventually, but do they have to be so patronising to me about it!???! (grrrr)

The other one is the not yet mums who declare that they won't let their child have a dummy, or go to nursery or whatever else it is that they don't approve of...Its especially when its the dads to be that don't approve... and I'm like "do you have any idea what it is like to have a baby hanging off your breast for an hour at a time just because they want to suckle!????"

Hmmm, maybe I do get a bit irrate sometimes!

Twiglett · 12/04/2006 17:58

um what exactly are people supposed to talk to you about then?

cue another conversation about the weather we're having for the time of year

desperateSCOUSEstrife · 12/04/2006 18:00

yeh it is frustrating being a first time mum

but they are telling the truth

Hopecat · 12/04/2006 18:02

I've got a friend PG with her 2nd - I'm still TTC my first - who tells me what kind of sex I should be having, and patronisingly tells me not to be disappointed if it doesn't happen right away.

It's lucky I love her, or I might actually kill her...

MumtoBen · 12/04/2006 20:55

I'm grateful for all advice received. I chose whether I want to act on the advice or not. Some of the advice I received by new mums when I was pregnant was invaluable and saved me a lot of potential problems.

I hate it when a pregnant women (with no experience of babies) tell me how easy it is having a newborn and act like I'm exaggerating.

I always try and tell women who ask me questions that it might be irrelevant for their baby as they are all so different.

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