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Original poster

How do i tell ds?...

73 replies

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 20:39

...that one of his 'best' pals isn't going to invite him to his birthday party?
Ds has a little group of closeish friends at school and us parents are all friendly too. One of the boys mum's phoned me this evening.she is planning her ds's party and he is adamant that my ds isn't to be invited.and they have decided to let him make his own decision. He reckons my ds plays too roughly.
All the other little boys are being invited.
He attended my ds's party last month.
I am not kidding myself but my ds plays in exactly the same way that they all play-they all leg it about with light sabres etc. he's not a fighty child and is always popular at school.
The mum said she felt bad etc and thought she should tell me.
I am SO annoyed. When it was ds's b/day we said 'right you HAVE to invite xyand z' and any body else was a bonus.her son was x!
How on earth am i going to tell him? when all the others are talking about it he'll be really upset.
They're 5/6.

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Lynley · 08/04/2006 22:23

Hi alexsmum
Sorry to hear of this and know exactly where you're coming from re. this being one of the first horrible life experiences your son is going to encounter - and wanting to protect him from that awful rejection. I really feel, as others have said, that the mum and dad are at fault here, they are all little friends and all the mums are too and your poor little boy will inevitably feel so left out. She is clearly aware of this by phoning you so, equally, should be sensitive and intelligent enough to talk to her own son about his decision. Like someone else mentioned earlier parties do really die down from 7-8 yrs....I hope your son doesn't get too upset about this, and that you don't suffer too much either - I would be very hurt, take care.

chipmonkey · 08/04/2006 23:32

Misdee, I'm sorry but I can't agree. My ds's so-called "best friend" turned on him in their second year in school. He didn't invite him to his party and succeeded in ensuring that ds didn't get invitedt to any other parties either. Now ds1 is not disruptive, he is quiet and shy and the experience knocked him for six and we ended up having to move him to another class. One other mother said to me that she wouldn't allow her children to behave like that, excluding another child, and I know that if it had been ds's party I would have insisted that he invite this child because leaving other children out is a form of bullying.

chipmonkey · 08/04/2006 23:39

Misdee, just re-read this and I hope you don't think I'm calling your dd a bully. I'm not. I just think that it's better to give children a sort of "social conscience". Some children have it naturally. I know one little lady in ds's class who goes out of her way to include everyone in activities and she was instrumental in making sure that ds settled in to his new class when he was moved. If there is a new child in ds's class, I always encourage him to play with and include that child.

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misdee · 08/04/2006 23:41

would you really have wanted your child to assiciate with a 'bully' anyway?

its just a child party, its not going to the be the last knockback they suffer (admittingly its not nioce).

we had a limit of 15spaces, before we did the invites i explain to the mums that there were limited spaces and i didnt know who dd1 wanted to invite so not to expect an invite.

chipmonkey · 08/04/2006 23:54

Misdee, tbh, I never took to this "friend"! But ds seemed to like him so I let them get on with it. With hindsight, there were warning signs. This other child seemed to want ds all to himself and wouldn't "allow" ds to play with other children. With the result that ds was left completely alone when this happened. He said to dh "23 people in my class don't like me (out of 27) and nobody plays with me, Daddy"
He did have friends at home and in his creche but the school-day was a long, long day for him.

SparklyGothKat · 08/04/2006 23:59

DS had been invited to 3 parties in the 4 years he has been at the school, his best friends at school don't invite him, I know the reason, its because he has cerebal palsy and the parents are scared of his ability and how to handle the disability.
He hasn't been to a school friend's party in 2 years.
I tend to stick to cousins and close friends when I am inviting people.

brimfull · 09/04/2006 00:25

I think the parents are in the wrong here,alexsmum.They should be teaching their son to think about other peoples feelings,not just their own.How would he have felt if he was the only one not invited to your ds's party?

I always teach my kids to do unto others as you would have done unto you,or however the saying goes.

I hope your son has a great day whatever you do with him.

LeahE · 09/04/2006 00:33

My DH has a similar (not quite the same) situation when he was around that age and his parents had the same "tell him what we think is the right thing to do but let him make his own decision" policy. He ended up making the "wrong" decision but regretted it very quickly and the lesson as to what the right behaviour should have been has stayed with him ever since and influenced his subsequent behaviour. He thinks it was a much more positive influence that way than if his parents had simply overruled him.

Just offering a different perspective -- my instincts would be to agree with you but my DH's experience at least makes me think twice and that maybe his parents (and this other kid's parents) have a point.

Original poster

alexsmum · 09/04/2006 09:22

if it was just any kid in the class it wouldn't bother me at all, but these three boys have been pals since before school started.we all meet up at weekends to do stuff and babysit for each other.
There have been loads of parties at school that he hasn't been invited to and it doesn't bother him at all.
anyway, have just been chatting to him in a general ' who do you play with at school these days' way, and apparantly he said this kid is nice but he doesn't play with him that much now, so maybe it will be easier than i thought.

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threebob · 09/04/2006 09:29

How amazing a 5 year old who is independantly wealthy and can therefore choose who he invites to his party?

Oh, what's that - Mum's paying? Well in that case she should have said "well I'm paying and you are inviting Alex". From a personal point of view I would be looking after the babysitting circle.

Original poster

alexsmum · 09/04/2006 09:35

she can get stuffed if she thinks i'm minding the little bugger ever again! slight my child? no body slights my child and gets away with it!

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GeorginaA · 09/04/2006 09:47

This is such a tricky one, isn't it?

I'm sure a mother at school is muttering about me at the moment. Ds1's party is coming up and he chose the guest list (with a few proddings from me whose children were being invited) - it's also a joint party with his younger brother, so spaces are very limited.

About a week before party invites went out, ds1 went to a joint party with his best friend and another boy who he plays with occasionally but doesn't really get mentioned much (and ds1 wasn't interested in inviting him).

I'm 90% certain he got invited to that party on the back of being the best friend and not the other boy - he brought presents for both children, of course. But I'm not sure on the birthday invite ettiquette for the other boy. Does his mother now think I'm off for not inviting her son?

The irony is I've had a few refusals (my nephews and niece can't make it) so I could now technically invite this boy - but now it would be obvious that he was a last choice option which feels even more mean!

Argh!

monkey · 09/04/2006 09:49

you go girl!

wannaBe1974 · 09/04/2006 18:22

I agree with Misdee. Children should be allowed to make their own decisions as to who they would like to invite. Apart from suggestions as to who they might like to invite, I would never tell my DS that he “had to” invite anyone. They’re his friends and it would be up to him, and I think that to suggest that not inviting someone to a birthday party is bullying is ludicress.

I also do not agree that if you invite someone to your birthday party then you have the right to be invited back to theirs, that is comparible to giving to receive, and I certainly do not teach that in my house.

Original poster

alexsmum · 09/04/2006 18:35

so wannabee, you tell me how do i tell ds that he is not going to the party of the boy that he has played with every week since he was 3?
seriously- how do i tell him?

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Piffle · 09/04/2006 18:39

yep legoland alton towers
soemthing huge so that theother kids will be jealous and the party will be nothing
WE've done that and it has worked
infact one of the people ditche the part to come with ds
pettyy maybe but cool just the same...

Tortington · 09/04/2006 18:50

i'm glad i never entered into any of it. but i would agree that at aged 5/6 freindships come and go on an almost daily basis and it hik it good manners to return a previous invite by his friend.

however that beng said it doesn solve your problem. i think a little chat is in order and maybe its time for your son to realise that this friend isn't a friend at all.

Original poster

alexsmum · 09/04/2006 19:02

i'm just praying it's a weekend thing.if it is we'll be able to handle it no problem i think.if it's an after school thing-that's when the shit will hit the fan.
ds is going to another party tomorrow and this boy and his mum will be there.How on earth am i going to face her? She'll want to sit and chat and i'll just want to punch her!( i never would of course!)

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rosylizzie · 09/04/2006 19:45

I had this when one of mine was 6 - mum asked me in his hearing if he could come ot party then didnt invite him! he was really upset though easily comforted by some treat or other and learnt a lesson about about how fickle friendship could be .I did bring it up with the other mother but didnt really help. on the plus side it completely freed me up from inviting kids I didnt like to parties cause I felt I should - Im now mean mum who sets a number and says who do you want no whole class parties for me and its much less stressful

rosylizzie · 09/04/2006 19:47

also you get to save on buying a present

ItalianJob · 09/04/2006 19:49

I think it's fine not inviting the whole class, as I am sure many people can't afford it/don't have a house big enough for it, but I think it's different when you are pointedly excluding a child from the party, i.e. only one child in class not invited/good friend not invited. I do sympathise with alexmum and her DS - that it's a rotten thing for a supposed good friend of his to do.

flutterbee · 09/04/2006 19:57

If it is a weekend party then I would get your ds to invite one of his friends (who also isn't going) to your really fab day out so when they return to school they can natter away about it like mad, if however its on a school night then just save it for the weekend after the party.

chipmonkey · 09/04/2006 23:00

Wannabee, of course it's bullying. The phrase "you're not coming to my party" paricularly if they play together all the time is devastating.

Chandra · 09/04/2006 23:11

I sort of disagree about children should be allowed to decide completely in who comes and who doesn't. Unfortunately, diplomacy is one of those virtues that takes a lifetime to build up and allowing them to be oblivious to the feelings of children who play with them most of the time is not exactly the way to learn to deal with disagreements.

However, if that kid gets regularly upset by the rough play of your DS, that's a completely different issue. However, if they had planned not to invite your DS, the cheek they had when showing up at your DS's party! Don't understand either why to ring you to-not invite your DS [confused emoticon]

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 09/04/2006 23:20

allowing them to choose is not the same as allowing them to be oblivious to the feelings of others. it is also not the same as not teaching them about diplomacy. I would argue - along with LeahE's dh's parents - the exact opposite. It's about giving them responsibliity for their own decisions. I nkow it's difficult alexsmum but if your ds himself has said he doesn't play much with this kid anymore then doesn;t that say a lot? Friendships are between kids, not parents, and I think we have to leave them to it.

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