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Original poster

How do i tell ds?...

73 replies

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 20:39

...that one of his 'best' pals isn't going to invite him to his birthday party?
Ds has a little group of closeish friends at school and us parents are all friendly too. One of the boys mum's phoned me this evening.she is planning her ds's party and he is adamant that my ds isn't to be invited.and they have decided to let him make his own decision. He reckons my ds plays too roughly.
All the other little boys are being invited.
He attended my ds's party last month.
I am not kidding myself but my ds plays in exactly the same way that they all play-they all leg it about with light sabres etc. he's not a fighty child and is always popular at school.
The mum said she felt bad etc and thought she should tell me.
I am SO annoyed. When it was ds's b/day we said 'right you HAVE to invite xyand z' and any body else was a bonus.her son was x!
How on earth am i going to tell him? when all the others are talking about it he'll be really upset.
They're 5/6.

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Blossomhill · 08/04/2006 20:41

This is such a tough one and I completely sympathise with you. Unfortunately it seems the boy has made his mind up so I guess wait and see if ds mentions it? I wouldn't say anything until he does just incase he doesn't know.

NannyL · 08/04/2006 20:42

ok.... whens the party?

plan something REALLY exciting for that day, and then say oh no.... X is having his party then but we are already busy going here!!!

Original poster

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 20:43

well, that was my plan so far...

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Original poster

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 21:03

i know it's petty but i feel like 'well, why did you come to ds's party then'?

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Blossomhill · 08/04/2006 21:09

I know it is hurtful but once they reach 7/8 parties do tend to die down anyway. So you won't have to deal with it anymore.

Socci · 08/04/2006 21:14

aren't children unkind sometimes? I disagree with the parents actually. I would be annoyed too alexsmum.

lars · 08/04/2006 21:17

alexsmum, I can understand why your hurt as kids change their mind all the time who they are inviting, etc. To be honest i think I would be more annoyed with the mum, as I could never do that and would try and talk my child round. I don't believe in leaving another child out.

I would takes this in your stride and think the mum is at fault here not the child. I think we have all experienced this at some time. Like Blossomhill said the party thing doesn't last forever and they cn get a bit borin, like same old venues. larsxx

Original poster

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 21:22

absolutely it's the mum i'm pissed off with.when it was alex's birthday we said you HAVE to invite xy and z! so that his 'best friends' were definitely there, and they had no problem accepting the invitation and attending.that was only a couple of weeks ago.
she said she's tried to persuade him and her dh says he should be allowed to amke his own decisions and he was sure i would understand.well, i don't , i think it's out of order and i think alex is going to be very very

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lars · 08/04/2006 21:27

Alexsmum, Yes I can really understand your hurt for your child. I don't know what to say but I would say to my child that the party sounds a bit boring anyway .

To be honest I'm surprised the mum told you, seems off IMO. You live and learn, don't let it upset you, but send a birthday card anyway, she won't be expecting that! larsxx

scoobytwo · 08/04/2006 21:28

id say make sure he stays off school that day&take him somewhere so when the boy mentions his party he can say i cant/didnt come as i was busy doing x

Original poster

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 21:30

no i'm not sending a card.petty i know but i don't care.

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misdee · 08/04/2006 21:31

sorry but i am agree with the parents in some way. my dd1 has just had her 6th birthday, there us a list of cousins who have to be invited(she gets on well with them so its not an issue) but the rest of the list she chose herself.

lars · 08/04/2006 21:33

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thirtysomething · 08/04/2006 21:34

I second lars, it's the Mum who's at fault - my DD who is in the same age group is always saying "I'm not going to invite x. y and Z to my party because they didn't play with me today". Two days later it's all blown over and they're best friends again - if she happened to make that statement on her birthday-invite writing day I would disregard it completely because I would judge that I know who her friends are and that she would ultimately be disappointed not to see x. y and z at her party!
Sounds like a really short-sighted and childish thing to do. All you can do is rise above it and protect your son from hurt by offering him something fab to do that day! It has happened with my daughter (a friend coming to her party then blatantly handing out invitations the next day withough giving one to my DD - I did wonder if it was an oversight as the Mum never explained it to me but she seemed very embarassed in front of me when someone talked about it which convinved me it was deliberate! At the end of the day the kids do notice these things and make their own judgements as to whether the friendship is worth pursuing.

lars · 08/04/2006 21:35

misdee, I know what your saying but alexsmum did invite the child to her son's party only a few weeks ago. arsxx

gigwig · 08/04/2006 21:44

Oh, this is tough. I would be really annoyed too. It is so bad to leave someone out.

How about telling your son soon, before he sees the other boys again so that your son knows about the party before hearing about the party when with the other boys, so that your son is prepared and can simply say ' oh we're doing ...... instead'.

I would tell him that you've already got something really nice planned for that day.

I would tell him that he wasn't invited though, as he may very well hear that from X directly in a group. It would be better for your son to be prepared for that.

I would explain that everyone changes as we grow up and we start to like doing different things and different people (perhaps relate it back to him and how he plays with different things now compared to when he was 3, or to when you have stopped being close friends to someone and made another friend, for example). That X is changing like that and is wanting to make other friends. I'm not sure how that sounds, it's hard to just email these comments with out speaking them, iykwim. I wouldn't make a big issue of it, but make more of doing something else on that day.

anniebear · 08/04/2006 21:45

I would let my little girl pick her own friends she wanted at her party, but then if she left a few friends out who I thought she should have invited, I would have included them

Original poster

alexsmum · 08/04/2006 21:59

exactly anniebear.
i am quite friendly with his mum and often babysit for her. feel like this has put a damper on that.

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WestCountryLass · 08/04/2006 22:04

Wouldn't be upset with the child but would be upset with the lameass parents who are not exactly teaching good manners are they?

If my DS said the same, I would say "well that's touch because they are being invited, you went to their party and it is polite to invite them to yours - end of."

WestCountryLass · 08/04/2006 22:04

"tough"

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 08/04/2006 22:05

it would seem i'm in a minority here. I understand feeling a bit disgruntled about this but, whilst I think kids can be persauded or pointed in the direction of inviting people they "ought" to invite I don;t agree with forcing them to. if this mum said her kid was adamant, then she obvioulsy tried. and she was obvioulsy embarrassed and a bit upset herself - otherwise she wouldn;t have phoned to explain. friendships come and go at this age, and I think you have to let them learn about how friendships develop and let them find their own way in their own relationships - which might include the consequences of who they choose to invite to parties/not to invite. Plan something nice for the day and don't worry about it.

misdee · 08/04/2006 22:07

at least the poor woman has warned you about it. we did dd1 invites then relaised we had filled all the soaces and not invited the girl who had invited dd1 to her birthday party. oops.

christie1 · 08/04/2006 22:08

this is the second birthday party thread this week. Kids can be thoughtless and immature which is why we as adults step in and say, no, it's not ok to invite everyone but X. You are right to be annoyed. When this happens to my kids, I tell them honestly but without anger what has happened, that we don't do things that way in this family but I don't have any control over how others run their families. I tell them I am sorry it hurts but life isn't always fair. In the long run, maybe she did your ds a favour. When the big bumps in life come, you and your ds will have had a few practice sessions.

christie1 · 08/04/2006 22:10

forgot to add, and, after the kids are in bed, dh and I have a good old rant about what a &%%### old *&&$## this kids parents are. Then, we all just let it go!

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