Does anyone have a 'highly strung' child? How do you deal with them?

[spottybag]

My 4yo DD has always been 'high maintenance' she was one of those babies who could never fall asleep on her own, was never happy unless she was being held of breastfed.

Now at four she is very highly strung. She gets worked up and hysterical over all sorts of things and is very, very difficult to deal with.

She only turned 4 in August and started reception last month so obv has had a lot of big changes. She also gets VERY tired and has to be in bed by 6 and even then still gets overtired getting up at 7.

Last night we had a friend over for tea - a friend she's had since pre school so very familiar. He's not keen on dogs so I had put our dog away in an upstairs bedroom. She asked to go upstairs and I said they could play upstairs but ONLY in her room and not to go in any other room in the house.

They reappeared at the bottom of the stairs about 10 mins later, both in tears, with the dog in tow. Her poor little friend was really brave but obviously upset as you would be when confronted with one of your fears just popping out from behind a door when not expecting it. Anyway, lesson learned for me - get a lock on the door, and I feel terrible for upsetting her friend

But - her friend cheered up after a few minutes and got on with it while DD sat and sobbed and was hysterical for, honestly, about an hour. With us trying to distract her etc, get her to snap out of it. I was annoyed as she'd not done as she was told but I also felt that I couldn't really tell her off much as she was hysterical already. I know she was tired last night and I don't think we'll be having any more after school visits for a while.

How do you deal with this kind of behaviour? Help!

Spottybag, stick around. Dd was exacty as you decribe, at your dd's age (apart from her unquenchable belief that sleep is for wimps). Like yours, she was a 'needy' baby, difficult to settle, highly sensitive, etc. etc.

I read 'Raising Your Spirited Child' and loved it. It gave credence to the idea that these children do abound and that they present their own parenting puzzles. It made me feel good about my child (she's not 'over sensitive' as some tried to tell me, she's 'spirited'. Just a new label helped!) and good about having such a child. The other thing I found helped was empathising with her. We avoided some of the situations she found stressful (hand-driers in public loos, anyone?) and found strategies to help her cope with others. I always had a small snack for her to eat at hometime, which made the walk home far less fraught. I agreed with her that some things were scary, that I was scared of some things too. (Cue every child in the neighbourhood finding it highly amusing that I am scared of fish - thanks for sharing, dd! ) When she was cross I'd say, 'I bet that makes you cross! I bet you want to stamp so hard on the floor you want to drop right through it! In fact, now I'm so cross on your behalf, I'm going to try it myself!' whereupon futile, comedy stamping ensued and dd would laugh.

She's 9 now. She's still sensitive (she's recently had a go at befriending a much maligned and misunderstood reception child in the playground), she still thinks sleep is for wimps and, on occasion, we still shove food at her if she's heading for a meltdown. She can be highly self-critical and is still easily scared by films (although getting more robust - and by 'scared', I mean unable to sleep for several weeks because Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka portrayal was 'freaky') but she's lovely and truly easy to bring up. Things that really helped her were, I think:

1. Getting older. Even as my baby pfb, dd never really saw herself as a baby. She's much happier now she can do all the things her bald little baby self planned on doing.

1. Getting over some of her health problems. She had slight hearing loss and a permanent snot problem as a small child. Having her tonsils and adenoids removed and getting bigger (so her tubes lengthened) means she no longer feels under par all the time. She was exactly as ATouchofInsanity describes.

1. Learning to read. Dd has always had a craving for narrative. As a small child that meant us having to tell her stories and re-enact the scenes in her head with her. We still tell stories, but we're freed from the 'tyranny' of having to keep it up all the time, because dd can now indulge her passion for narrative by burying herself in books, which she does the whole time she's not hanging out of trees. (Her other passion in life, which she can indulge now her health and strength are better.)

Read that book, Spotty. See if regular snacks perk up your dd a bit, bear with her and allow yourself a slight glow of smugness, safe in the knowledge that, as your dd learns to cope with her big ambitions and strong emotions, she'll grow into the kind of person others envy and that other parents will look at you and ask, 'Is she always that good?' Then you can smile beatifically (sp.??) and say, 'Pretty much, yes. We're very lucky.' Re-read lljk's post too - it was really lovely and I think she knows what you're going through.

I identify with the OP too! My dd (9) has always been on the sensitive/highly strung side and we had some disasterous playdates when she was younger.

Starting school is a major new event in her life - she is probably v v v tired, confused, excited, nervous all rolled into one. I think you probably get the 'worst' of her when she comes home from school - if she's doing OK in school then I found just doing calm companionable things at home helped. Maybe baby her a bit - lots of cuddles, drawing, sharing stories - and you may find she starts to tell you what's on her mind.

We still have tricky days with dd but she is a delight, just very caring and sensitive and carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders

GeorgianMumto5 put it so much better than I can. Our dds sound v v similar - what is it with not needing sleep??? Also nodding my head at the climbing trees thing

also how about teaching her to swim? The feeling of being in the water is very relaxing but she can also burn off some nervous energy and aggression. I did this with my DD from about age 5 and it really helped her confidence too.

Wow! Loads of responses, thank you so much.

Bigfatwoollytights - I'm sorry for my touchy reply.

Ok, I've been out to pick up DD2 and feel better for a bit of fresh air and a chat with a RL friend which helped to put it into perspective. These replies are also making me feel a lot better, too, thank you.

These suggestions are all great. Re: snoring, I think she does snore sometimes but I haven't noticed it all the time. I will look out for that though, thank you atouch.

Ihatethecol thank you so much for your kind offer of the book - I'm taking the DDs to the library this afternoon so I'm hoping to find it there. *

Georgianmum* I'll also look for yours too, thank you - what you said about narrative really, really sounds like my DD. She's really keen on phonics at school so hopefully learning to read will help with this, that's good to hear.

Airedailleurs - I'd like for her to have swimming lessons (though we can't afford them at the moment) so will keep that in mind. Your post has reminded me that there's a local climbing centre she enjoyed going to and that seemed to really help with her confidence. I might start doing that with her again (was pay as you go so easier to afford when we had some spare cash).

I'm sorry if I've not responded to anyone else's replies, I've tried to but may have missed some.

Spotty - I taught my dd to swim myself as the swimming teacher made her cry! In our pool kids go free and I just had to pay for myself

GeorgianMumto5 You are so right! DD1 was always very spirited as a young child (up to age 11 actually ) and she is now a lovely 16 year old. Everyone compliments me on her behaviour, positive attitude and maturity. It's like she was a teenager born in a baby's body and as soon as she became independent she just thrived. It's like she finally was able to be herself.

I'm now going through the same thing with DD3 (age 5). I just think that if I got through it with DD1 then I can do it again with DD3, though I'm not really sure that I can .

You should read how to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk too.

I find going out for a girly afternoons with my daughter useful for getting her to talk too. An activity then going to a cafe for a hot drink and something sweet!

Thanks.

Well, I did her bedtime story and said good night to her at 6.15 and she's been screaming and tantrumming ever since. Having a breather from her before I lose my cool.

At this time of night I'd go and give her a cuddle and sit with her holding her hand until she went to sleep.

That's pretty much what I've been doing parrottulip. Except she's not going to sleep, every time I move an inch her eyes fly open again.

we gave up in the end and let dd listen to a story cd until she went to sleep. She still needs it at 9 but at least bedtimes are stress free! Sorry it's so tough, I second the girly chats over tea and cake

yes ParrotTulip I second the coffee shop idea, my DD used to love that and it's a great way to bond informally in a relaxed but still quite adult setting, so the kids feel quite grown up.

spotty if you don't mind my asking, was your DD actually tired at 6.15? That sounds a very early bedtime. When I was teaching my dd to swim we used to go early evening and come back, have a snack then go to bed about 8pm and she was REALLY tired, we did a story and had a cuddle then she was out like a light.

Hi airedailleurs, she was beyond tired at 6.15 - she was properly shattered. Even in the holidays I could only push her bedtime to 6.30 without her getting beside herself with tiredness- and that was without having to wake her at 7 and letting her sleep til 8ish.

She needs LOADS of sleep, loads and loads. I actually can't find enough hours in the day now she's at school to fit in the sleep she needs :(

I did decide to let her sleep in this morning so drove which gave us an extra half an hour and she slept til 7.45 and did seem in a much better mood.

Her tiredness is a BIG issue, unfortunately. LOTS of people make comments about her early bedtime as if we're making it up. It isn't them who has to spend two weeks dealing with the fallout of a couple of late nights (and by late nights, I mean 7PM). It's just a nightmare.

ok spotty, understand. Has she has always needed this much sleep or is it just since she started reception?

It sounds as though her sensitivity means that she gets emotionally overwhelmed very easily, which exhausts her, making it even more difficult for her to handle stress, and so on until she is completely exhausted. I am not an expert, just a mum with a DD who shares some similar traits, maybe there is someone more qualified at your DD's school who could help you to break this cycle?

I second the recommendation for the Highly Sensitve Child book. There is also a website, I think. I have a DD like this, and while in theory I am committed to loving her as she is, not labelling, and not wishing she was any different, I know that there are days when it is hard and you can't help wishing she was more like her easy-going friends. But this personality type does have upsides - my DD1 is very thoughtful and empathetic. She is 7 now and it has got a lot easier over the last few years, so take heart. But I accept that she may need more reassurance and be more hesitant than her younger sister and friends' children all through her childhood.

Thanks airedailleurs, I really appreciate your replies - I'm sorry if I'm sounding a bit fraught, it's not directed at you at all.

Yes I think she does get very emotionally overwhelmed, she's always needed a lot of sleep - she was going to bed at 6 since about 9 months...

It's such a shame, because if we can get enough sleep into her we have such lovely times together. We had a great summer together, it was lovely knowing there was plenty of opportunity for her to get enough sleep in (though I was still 'managing' it then, with not too many morning activities planned each week).

I don't know about the school - we have parents evening soon and I will speak to her teacher - she's struggling to separate from me in the mornings too so I'll probably bring it up as part of that. I should say, she loves school and does school roleplay ALL THE TIME. I think she just needs a bit of time to digest everything and that's conflicting with her need for sleep.

I definitely won#'t do any more after school things until half term though, it's too much for her.

I think the main thing is, if she's gone off into a tantrum don't try to talk to her, reason with her or distract her. You will only fuel it. Just let it run its course.

I'm often told I have a highly strung DD. Shes nearly 3 but I recognised it when she was 6 months old. She gets incredibly frustrated at the smallest of things it's completely exhausting-- and I'm very laid back so find it quite alien! Her dad, however, is also quite the drama queen haha.

No advice really, just want to say I sympathise and give you a big hug :)

another suggestion OP, look at helping her develop self-soothing techniques, both to help her get off to sleep and to calm herself when she gets stressed.

I got one too...
I have complete meltdowns from her. I used to be like it as a child too, so I do kind of understand her. A lot of the time when she is told off the hysterics are because she is cross at herself for doing something wrong and thn it escalates.

Another book you could read is The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N Aron. It is not specifically about children but explains a bit more about highly sensitive people and offers a lot of help in raising a highly sensitive child. According to the book 1 in 5 of us is highly sensitive. The book also says that such people are often intelligent, intuitive and imaginitive. Please see your childs sensitivity as an asset not a flaw.

Spotty bag, my little girl used to go to bed/sleep at 6.15 but since starting reception this year, the problem we've been getting is her getting over tired and not settling off as a result, sounds like your little one is having same problem. hugs to you. Mine is highly sensitive, we've been struggling with food for a long time with her and since I've 'given ' in a feed her what she asks me for, her tantrums have decreased a lot. So many people told me, if she is hungry she will eat the home cooked hot meal in front of her. It turns out she prefers finger food and has quite a limited choice of foods she enjoys, she didn't like the textures of stews etc i was making. So she was not eating her evening meal. She is so much happier now I cater for her and she is taking in enough calories. A lot less melt downs. I make sure she has regular snack too, and one the second she steps out of school. I actually feel guilty for not listening to her cues properly and trying to 'make' her like the food I was cooking for the family.

I also have found it important to realise that my daughter isn't been 'naughty' when she has melt downs. She genuinely can't help it, she can't control it. I try to stay sympathetic, but if I'm low on sleep myself, I feel frustrated. Again, lots of hugs to you.

Spotty bag, I also make sure she has plenty of unwind time before climbing into bed and turning out the light. So, we bath her at 5.30, story at 5.45 and then she has a routine of playing (she roleplays schools with her teddies)in her room until 6.30, then I go in and settle her off.

She also had relaxing time straight after school and no TV. She really needs lots of play to help her 'process' her day.