Is friend particularly clingy with her baby?

[Lottapianos]

My best mate has had a baby recently. She's lovely and I'm thrilled for her. I went to visit her for a full day a couple of weeks ago when baby was 8 weeks old. It was the first time we had spent any time together since baby arrived and we were both looking forward to it.

I had anticipated a day of holding baby while my mate got on with showering or whatever else she needed to do but it turned out very differently. I arrived at 10am and by 4pm I had to actually ask if I could hold the baby. She was fine with handing her over but if I hadn't asked I don't think she would have offered. She took her back when she needed a (bottle) feed - I would have loved to feed her but didn't say anything.

I know it's a different experience for every parent but do you think this is unusual? I'm not a parent but I work with babies and young children so she knows I'm not clueless around them and wasn't going to break her! I have spoken to two parents I know who were really surprised about this, one said my friend sounded 'possessive' of her baby.

I'm not going to say anything to her about this but I just wanted to pick some parents' brains - I don't know if I am a bit unreasonable but I was disappointed at not being allowed to hold her more. I know it's not the end of the world either way, just curious

People used to have to ask me for a cuddle of DS too when he was tiny, I just instinctively kept him with me all the time and was always useless at thinking "oh they might like a cuddle here you go " it never crossed my mind in the new born fog!!! It was just a really normal thing to have him literally ON me 24/7.

^
This was me!

OP - Your heart was in the right place, and I can see you are just a considerate friend, who wants to make sure everything is good.
I wish I had people come in just to do the washing up/cooking etc.. but they only came to have extended holding time and to natter away... I found it exhausting... Second time round, I was more careful about who I invited!

Not all new parents want to palm off their baby to visitors, they don't want it to look like they're just looking for another pair of hands to help out so they can escape. She may just enjoy holding her new baby, so in awe at how wonderful motherhood is.

I didnt want to hand ds over to anyone, I more like thought 'I had better let them have a hold' I hated the way other people kept acting like I had brought him into the world for their entertainment, trying to wake him up because they 'wanted to see him awake' I also loved holding him and having him with me all the time. I also didn't want anyone feeding him except for me and occasionally dh. Breast feeding was not a success due to scbu admission within a few hours of his birth and I was devastated about that, I felt like feeding him was my job be it by breast or bottle and I hadn't bottle fed him to palm him off on anyone to feed. Looking back, I was irrational about some things but if you can't be a bit irrational when you have just given birth then when can you? You have actually provided me with a bit of insight from the other side but I can't reiterate enough that it's got nothing to do with you or that she doesn't trust you. I think your friend will slowly start to relax a bit as her ds gets bigger and seems less fragile to her. I certainly have (a bit) :)

Most of you are using rather derogative terms when referring to let anyone else hold the baby.

"palm off", "pass the parcel"....

Lotta I'd have loved someone to come and do all the things you did for your friend (particularly sorting out the baby clothes). I imagine your friend's post would say: "My lovely friend came round and did lots of things that have been irritating me, but which I couldn't do because my DC won't lie down for a second. She had a little cuddle with DC, but not too long so I didn't get that anxious 'give me back my baby' feeling. Fab day."

It wasn't personal, she's just bonding.

It didn't occur to me to offer to let anyone hold dd - I wasn't a big baby holder myself before I had children, and am still quite happy not to hold other people's babies (quite happy to hold them to help, but no urge for a cuddle). I found it very hard to let go of my own when they were wee, though - felt like handing over a bit of my arm to start with!

When my DCs were tiny, I actually found it hard to accept offers of help around the house etc, as it made me more anxious about how I would cope when that person wasn't around. I felt (irrationally) that I had to cope and do everything myself. Handing the baby to someone else (even my Mum or DH) felt too much like I wasn't up to the job.
Sigh, hormones and all that. Bloody bonkers!

Maybe she was waiting for you to ask as she didn't want to push the baby onto you. I always waited for people to ask me tbh, I didn't just assume they wanted a cuddle, and some of my (mainly male) friends did decline :)

*as some of my male friends

OP, All the things you did were very helpful and I would have loved people to be more thoughtful when they came round to see DS when he was newborn.

I did however find it overwhelming (not in a good way) when DS was newborn and I think some people can go a bit baby mad.

One example being, a friend who cam over unannounced, walked over to my other (invited) friend who was holding 3 week old DS and said to her (ignoring me) "oh how long are you staying, we're not staying long can i have a hold" and basically just helped herself to DS. My other friend and I looked at each other open mouthed.

(obviously now that DS is a boisterous toddler, I'd happily palm him off for a couple of hours but there are no takers!!)

Maybe you should have asked her a bit earlier and explicitly told her you were very happy to hold the baby while she had a shower?

I never offered my babies to friends when they were little but was happy to hand them over for a bit if asked. Many people are happier with other peoples babies at a distance and I didn't want to make anyone feel obliged to hold the baby.

of course there are posters that would have loved what the OP went there expecting to do, but isn't the point that she went with expectations one way or another rather than follwoing the friend's lead?

those who say "I'ld have loved it OP" - how would you feel if someone arrived with pretty solid expectations of what would happen on the visit if it happened to be something different?

any help is only helpful if it is what the particular person actually wants/needs at a particular time, I don't think you can say that the OPs plans were helpful as a blanket statement

It sounds to me like you are the one with the issues here. You don’t have children of your own but because you work with children assume your mate should automatically trust you with her baby and just hand her over like a doll for you to gave a go of or a play with? You are talking about a human being not a dolly! You seem extremely disappointed in your friend not sharing her baby with you more perhaps you want to have a baby of your own desperately? Perhaps your friend knows how judgemental you are too? You wouldn’t stab your friend in the back talking about her like this if you were a true friend and I wonder if netmums is actually the only lace you have raised your so called concern??so perhaps she knows this about you. Perhaps you try make out you are perfect and know it all about babies!? Perhaps your friends reluctance to pass baby over was more of a motherly protective instinct kicking in? She prob ( although ridiculous and would know deep down it not true) thought if she give you baby she would never get baby back! Or she would be judged by you for not wanting to have her baby all the time! I’ve learned you just cannot win with some people they will call you for anything! If you hold on to baby too much or if you let others hold your baby too willingly! Either way you will judge your mate to what suits you because really you are jealous of her and it doesn’t matter what way it went when you visited. If she went off having a good long shower you’d have been chirping on about pnd! And how she hasn’t seemed to bond with her child and so ready to just dump it on the first person they can. I think you need to realise life isn’t about you all the time! You were disappointed you didn’t get what you wanted at that point in time! Get over it! Life full of disappointments you don’t always get what YOU want or need! Get over it! Stop being nasty on your so called friend just because she failed to put your needs first! I think your friend sounds like a great mum! Only concerned in the needs of her baby and nobody else’s! Yes she prob would like a shower and spruce herself up but realised that there’s no point! Only gonna get covered in sick and poo no doubt anyway? That’s assuming she hadn’t already had a shower before you arrived anyway? Poor girl prob did and got dressed for your arrival but you assume she hasn’t because you expect her to what? Look like she going on a night out? Seems to me you are selfish and need get over yourself with all your expectations and self disappointments! Perhaps you have issues with your childhood like you say go speak to a therapist then instead of trying to ruin your friends life. If it got back to her what you said in your first thread it would be hurtful and could cause a lot of doubt and anxiety for her as most new mums are vulnerable to any slight hint of motherly criticism and you could knock her confidence as a mum with your judgements. You’d have to be pretty sneaky as a person to not letvonbto her at all that you’ve had these concerns! Which is another thing. You did start off looking like you were trying make out she had something wrong with her but when the responses were not in your favour you changed and became softer about this so called issue even tried making out you realise the issue is yours not hers and then pulled out the ‘in a victim’ trump card so ppl will go easy on you for sounding like a complete asswipe to your friend! I think you are manipulative and dangerous personally and friends like you’ve who needs enemy? I’ve had somebody do this to me too. Come round to my house being the Good Samaritan. Can’t gelp enough then goes calling you to everyone for everything and making you out to be a wrong one! I realised this person does it with other people too and it wouldn’t matter if I’d gone left or right she’d gave done the sane! When I confronted her she apologised but like a snake it all became about her and her issues and tried to gain pitty from me for stabbing me in my back! I just stay far away from her these days! Whatever her issues are she can keep them to herself as far as involved concerned and go get some pro MH help. Jealous people are dangerous and out of control.

Completely normal. And the beat thing for the baby.

Wow @Lookslikesnow you've resurrected a zombie thread for all that...