Is friend particularly clingy with her baby?

[Lottapianos]

My best mate has had a baby recently. She's lovely and I'm thrilled for her. I went to visit her for a full day a couple of weeks ago when baby was 8 weeks old. It was the first time we had spent any time together since baby arrived and we were both looking forward to it.

I had anticipated a day of holding baby while my mate got on with showering or whatever else she needed to do but it turned out very differently. I arrived at 10am and by 4pm I had to actually ask if I could hold the baby. She was fine with handing her over but if I hadn't asked I don't think she would have offered. She took her back when she needed a (bottle) feed - I would have loved to feed her but didn't say anything.

I know it's a different experience for every parent but do you think this is unusual? I'm not a parent but I work with babies and young children so she knows I'm not clueless around them and wasn't going to break her! I have spoken to two parents I know who were really surprised about this, one said my friend sounded 'possessive' of her baby.

I'm not going to say anything to her about this but I just wanted to pick some parents' brains - I don't know if I am a bit unreasonable but I was disappointed at not being allowed to hold her more. I know it's not the end of the world either way, just curious

Why would anyone think that letting other people hold a baby is like pass the parcel?

Babies in fact are human and other people take interest and joy in holding a baby.

Why wanting to hold a baby makes it a fairground attraction? Exactly because it is the child of someone you love or care for, it is a totally normal feeling to want to hold a dear one's baby!

I want to meet the baby and check in on my friend, I don't go to get "my go"! if I get to hold it that's great, it's lovely, but if I don't I don't feel short changed!

My point was that at that age it didn't cross my mind to offer DS to other people for a cuddle (except DH of course).

If my friend had asked I'd have let her/him.

I don't see myself as being a particularly clingy mum. I went back to work full time when DS was 6 months.

I was a bit when I met a woman with an 8 month old baby who had never left him ever, even with his dad. She had basically never been in a different room to her DS.

YABU and also judgey, hope your friend didn't pick up on the judgeyness.

I don't feel short changed either, I have had my fair share of baby holding, equally, I don't understand why it is so earth shattering letting another person (and I guess people who come and see you after birth are people you care for) hold your baby for a while.

I didn't offer DS for others to hold simply because I wasn't sure if they would actually want to. I know some people don't particularly like holding babies, and others feel nervous holding them around their parents so I always waited to be asked for a hold and then I gladly handed him over! Besides I always felt more relaxed if I just lolled with DS while my friend saw to tea etc because if someone else (other than relatives) was holding him I would feel compelled to interact and help them out, perhaps unnecessarily. It didn't feel right to hand him over and just sit back. I wasn't possessive, I just didn't want visitors to feel uncomfortable in any way. That said, I did foist DS into BIL's very reluctant arms having tried to subtly hint about him having a cuddle for four bloody months! I think if I hadn't done that he'd still never have touched the child!

I always felt obliged to hand over my DS and actually had to wrestle him back on occasions, but then my family are particularly stiflingly possessive close. I couldn't get enough cuddles from my gorgeous DS when he was tiny and even now miss him terribly when i don't see him and shower him in kisses and cuddles when i do. I'm convinced he'll grow up some kind of narcissist as a result of me telling him how wonderful he is at every opportunity. On the plus side he is only 22 mo, not 14.

Oh, and i never forced DS on friends though was happy to pass him over if they asked. Not everyone likes babies.

"I don't understand why it is so earth shattering letting another person (and I guess people who come and see you after birth are people you care for) hold your baby for a while."

My brother was sitting chatting to me with my 6 week old DS on his lap. DS farted and my brother jumped in surprise and dropped him (but grabbed hold of him before he hit the ground).

I felt no compunction at taking DS off him at that point

Joking aside, I think my reluctance was mainly hormone related. That and the fact that most people I saw after the birth weren't really close friends, just friends that I met up with for a chat, not for a big "welcome my baby to the world" event

No, not about you. When both of mine were tiny my brain was going something like this:

Ooh, my baby! baby baby baby my lovely baby chocolate hmn baby cup of tea MY BABY YAY I've got a baby bit of telly baby smells lovely baby oh hello visitor baby baby hold baby? oh okay give back give back GIVE BACK mm baby I've got a baby baby mm my baby fancy some lunch? baby baby...

I just wanted them attached to me.

'Ooh, my baby! baby baby baby my lovely baby chocolate hmn baby cup of tea MY BABY YAY I've got a baby bit of telly baby smells lovely baby oh hello visitor baby baby hold baby? oh okay give back give back GIVE BACK mm baby I've got a baby baby mm my baby fancy some lunch? baby baby...'

You paint quite a picture Eldritch

lol eldritch

I had that too! I was so happy to have DS and have him in my arms.

at your brother!

I was fine, possibly because the majority of friends who came to see us with our first were parents already. Actually they gave me some great tips, I am still thankful for.

well, I'm very old and it took me so long to meet someone great, I assumed I'd missed the children boat, so when it happened I was just so full of joy, what can I say?

That's lovely Eldritch

Thank you to those who posted thoughtful comments. It's helpful to know that some new parents have a real need to hold baby and may be reluctant to pass baby over to anyone - I can understand that. I'm sure the day will come when she will be glad of an offer of babysitting!

I really hate seeing babies passed around to be fed by anyone just because they are on bottles. It's like feeding ceases to be seen as important.

I didn't mind friends and family holding ds when he was a baby but at 8 weeks I probably wouldn't have thought to offer him around.

Well I was the minority of two others on this thread who was very happy to pass my baby round - I know other people enjoy cuddling a baby and I actually enjoyed the opportunity to do something else ! .

"I don't understand why it is so earth shattering letting another person (and I guess people who come and see you after birth are people you care for) hold your baby for a while"

and I don't see why its so earth shattering to go see a new mum and baby and not "get a go" at holding or feeding! I do make sure young cousins etc get a hold, but I don't expect adults to.. well expect so much one way or another

if you get a hold you get a hold, if you don't you don't!

I was quite happy to hand mine over - both had to be held all the time so it was nice to let someone else do it for a while. But I do remember being a bit miffed with my mum who visited the day after we came home with dd and sat and held her all afternoon - and didn't play with her 2.5 year old grandson at all (which considering she looked after him 2 days a week and they had a great bond seemed so strange).

I haven't said it is earth shattering not to hold a baby when you go visit a dear one, who's just had one. I said that it is not earth shattering letting relatives or friends holding the baby for a while.

I am pretty laid back, I didn't mind my (very much loved) babies to be passed around like parcels nor do I feel offended if I don't get a go with other people's babies.

I would have loved it if you came round to my house OP! It sounds like you did exactly what your friend needed - useful, practical things - while she got time to hold her newborn without attempting hundreds of other tasks.

I always let people hold DS when he was small but sometimes felt people didn't come round to see me, just have a squeeze of a new baby. Fine, but sometimes a bit tiring. My in laws just wanted to hold the baby when all I wanted was someone to put on the washing for me or sweep the floor. I was trying to do all these things so rarely just got a chance to sit and cuddle DS. My best friend came round with five prepared meals and hoovered everywhere. I could have hugged her till infinity.

As someone who's a first timer with a baby the same age as your friends, I agree she might just be grateful for the adult company - visits from old friends I had pre baby are particularly valuable, I wouldn't want to waste it by going off and showering etc! (I can do things like that with dc in a bouncy chair anyway). Bear in mind too with the bottles thing, it's a sensitive issue so can be a bit of a sting when some friends/family assume feeding's a free for all now it's in a bottle.
We had relatives stay recently who had ideas on how they'd help - which included looking after the baby so I could go and do stuff. Whilst it might be nice to have an extra long shower and a lie in child free, I didn't really enjoy it - it just felt weird at this stage to leave her with anyone other than DH, I'm hoping that will wear off sometime soon...

thank you Ruby. I was starting to feel like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and The Child Catcher!

thank you Ruby. I was starting to feel like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and The Child Catcher!