Emmigrating without my youngest.

[LeeLou74]

I have 3 children 7, 13, and a step daughter of 15. My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently married. My husband has a chance at setting up a business in the US. My husband and I and the two eldest children really want to go and have permission from relevant parents. My youngest has said he doesn't want to go and his Dad won't give us permission. My youngest has never been to America nor has he ever lived with his Dad for more than 7 days. My son says he wants to live with his Dad but I am worried that this may not be the case after a year or so when he has had the opportunity to experience both lives. I do not think my ex would let my son come with us if he changed his mind later on.

I don't know what to do!! There are 5 of us in this family and trying to do what's best for everyone is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. Please give me some evidence or your own experiences.

Does your 7y-o know about this or not? You said in your last post he was "not aware" of any move to the US but in your OP you stated he has said he doesn't want to go and has asked to live with his dad.

Can't believe you're even asking about it, btw. We had a similar situation in my extended family with a move to France. One of the sons didn't want to go and was really unhappy when he got there. After a few months they just sent him home on his own to live with his aunty :( I felt so sad for him, that his parents had an "I'm alright, Jack" attitude and separated him from them and his 4 siblings. And that was just France. In the US, how often would you get to see him? Once a year? Twice?

My dd is 7 and the thought of leaving her is abhorrent. This is your choice, not your childs. If your ex will not give permission then perhaps you could seek mediation about it.

But ultimately if it was between dh and dc, there is no competition. I would stay in the UK.

I have lived overseas and don't really do pfb stuff (tough old meany me) but I wouldn't go and leave 7 year old behind.
I think it will leave him feeling abandoned. It might be different if you and his dad had 50/50 custody, and he was familiar with living with dad. But even then, unless you are planning to visit uk every couple of months, you are leaving him basically motherless.

Also, he is too young to make this decision for himself. He has no idea what the implications are, long or short term. He can't imagine that he might love a new life in another country, all he can imagine is leaving this life. You as the adult should make the decision taking children's feelings into account. What a situation to put him in, choose between unknown life in country away from all familiar, and your mum. He can't make that choice.

I would also suggest you consider the long term affects of leaving your 7 year old and moving away with his sibling and your new partner. Read something on attachment.

My 7 year old is still little, she needs loads of cuddles and looking after.
She is not my youngest but she's a young child and she needs me.
As long as I am alive I'll be with her.
Please don't leave your child. My ex's mum left him and took his sister. They all lived in the same city and its caused a lot of heartache.

I could not for ONE moment imagine moving away from my 7 year old boy.

He is my light, my world, just like his older brother is.

This thread is really depressing me.

I couldn't contemplated, for even just one second, emigrating without my 7yr old son.

Is this a wind-up?

OP - I know families who have split up where the mother lives on a different continent to the father for work reasons. It's fine! It really is. Much more important than having your father and mother living close by unhappy and impoverished is having them both living comfortable lives and taking good care of you all year round.

But Bonsoir, the child inquestion has never lived with his bio dad!

And so? What counts is that the child will be well cared for by his biological father if he goes to live with him.

I know a pair of twins who have never lived on the same continent as their biological father. They adore him!

I think the key thing there is the twins have never lived with their father, that's their normal.

But here, the child has lived with his mother for 7 years, will be left with a parent he has never lived with and we still don't know from the OP how often she will get to see him.

I can quite well see a father working abroad but coming to the family home 6 or 10 times a year could maintain a good relationship with them.

Buyt if the OP is only going to come back once or twice, that's very different.

Oh man, I think it's a terrible idea. How could any business opportunity compete with being with your son? I think that the idea of only being able to go if you have to leave your 7yr old behind is way, way too high a price to pay for anything-there isn't a fortune that anyone could promise me that could compete with my son.

Also in my experience, big business opportunities that offer big rewards but require crazy actions (emigrating with 2 children, leaving another child half way across the world to make it happen) is NOT generally a secure business proposition.

I don't think it is the decent thing to do, to move a child so far away from their parent, unless it's absolutely necessary.

If you go to America you will lose your 7 year old. He will either be with his father in the UK, or he will be in the US resenting you for taking him away from his father.

You have know your husband for three years. That's not a long time.

Wtf?!

This young child has already faced a huge amount of disruption in his life, he's gone through your separation from his father, gaining a new father figure and a new older sister and now he faces more disruption and he's still only 7.
If I was your ex, and you left with your new family to go to America, leaving your youngest in my custody, I would fight to keep him for the rest of his life.
Because child trumps current husband in my book every time.
He doesn't want to lose his father, or whatever stability he now has and you want to take it from him for a business venture with your current partner. I don't think that is fair.

This thread is the first i have ever read that has made feel sick with sadness.

Even if your son's father agreed and you persuaded your son to go, I still don't think you should go! You would be taking your son away from his father.

Your divorce, not your son's problem.

in some parts of USA including California,

joint custody is the assumption and you can not move out of that state with children without other parents consent

the fact that father is non RP dos not mean he has no relationship with his son to take his son so far away from his father is wrong to leave him so his mother is so far away is also wrong,

you all need to stay in UK for now

this may not have been an unreasonable question is DS was 14-16, as then he could reasoanbly be part of the decision making process but it is way too much responsibility for a 7 year old, any decision should be preented as fait accompli

I cant understand why your 7 year olds view has any bearing on your decision? As parents we do what is best for our families, decisions to emmigrate dont normally hinge on the views of a 7 year old!

The only issue I see is his father - does the father have a legal right to prevent you from taking him?

And no I wouldnt be considering leaving him behind in order to go, a 7 year old is way way too young to make that choice for themselves.

Your only issue is whether the Dad is legally able to prevent you, surely.

What this says to me is that you are more eager to keep a grown man happy, i.e your new DH, than your 7yo son.

It's unthinkable.

My mother emigrated when I was an adult and it smarted a bit ! My sister left her DD when she was 18 and still in FT education. OK she was an adult, but still living at home and studying FT.

What it said loud and clear was "my partner is more important than my child".

If you leave your 7yo he will never, ever forget that you left him and you will have no grounds for complaint if he find a mother figure in someone else like an aunty or a new partner of your exH.

As Quint said upthread, let your DH go over there and set it all up on his own, then when he is established you can rethink whether to join him, or have a UK based marriage where he is away a lot, but your kids are stable.

Sorry what I'm saying is that if it smarts a bit as and adult (and I'm not denying my Mum deserves a life of her own! I'm a grown up after all), imagine what that will do to a 7yo.

My sister's daughter has never forgiven her and their relationship is in tatters.