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Parenting

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Original poster

Emmigrating without my youngest.

75 replies

LeeLou74 · 19/09/2012 11:55

I have 3 children 7, 13, and a step daughter of 15. My partner and I have been together for 3 years and recently married. My husband has a chance at setting up a business in the US. My husband and I and the two eldest children really want to go and have permission from relevant parents. My youngest has said he doesn't want to go and his Dad won't give us permission. My youngest has never been to America nor has he ever lived with his Dad for more than 7 days. My son says he wants to live with his Dad but I am worried that this may not be the case after a year or so when he has had the opportunity to experience both lives. I do not think my ex would let my son come with us if he changed his mind later on.

I don't know what to do!! There are 5 of us in this family and trying to do what's best for everyone is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. Please give me some evidence or your own experiences.

OP posts:

Original poster

LeeLou74 · 19/09/2012 19:15

Just to make it clear, I haven't decided to leave my 7 year old behind nor is he aware of any move to the US, it has only been an idea put out there to see if other people have had this experience!

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 19/09/2012 19:35

But you said he's told you he doesn't want to go . No way would I put a new-ish partner and a possible business on another continent before a 7 year old.

DH and I have passed up a couple of wonderful opportunities because they weren't right for our DC - middle of exam years etc. America will always be there - your DS won't always be a child. You can go later in life or start a business here.

lovechoc · 19/09/2012 19:47

It's a huge gamble even if your 7yo did go with you. That would be my worst nightmare, living in the US! What, no NHS?!

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Nagoo · 19/09/2012 19:52

I wouldn't consider it.

ArtfulAardvark · 19/09/2012 19:54

No way would I consider leaving behind a child if i emigrated and neither would I take the children so far from an involved father.

If he were a disinterested uninvolved father then I may feel I would take all children.

DowagersHump · 19/09/2012 19:55

"My youngest has said he doesn't want to go and his Dad won't give us permission."

Were you not telling the truth then or are you not telling the truth now because you didn't like the replies you got?

Virgil · 19/09/2012 20:01

How could you even consider it. You would leave your seven year old child. Really?

bonhomiee · 19/09/2012 20:07

I think most people feel they couldn't even consider leaving their young child behind and emigrating without them.

You need to ask yourself, why are you even considering it?

Sorry but it seems as if you are putting the wrong peoples needs frist.

bonhomiee · 19/09/2012 20:23

You say there are five of you in the family..

maybe but the 15 yr old is nearly of independent age ..

The 13 and 7 yr old are your children, and surely you wouldn't separate the siblings from each other and from their dad?

Your husband is being selfish suggesting it.Easy decision I think.

The 13 and 7 yr old are your priority here

Bigwheel · 19/09/2012 20:35

I can see why you might want to go, but not without your ds. Personally I would work on getting his dad to agree to the move. Do they see each other often at the moment? However if he doesn't agree then you can't go. End of really. In my teens I agreed to live with my dad as I thought it was what my mum wanted. It was the wrong decision for everyone.

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/09/2012 20:46

I can't believe anyone would consider leaving a loved child behind. He is 7. He has already been through his parents splitting up, accepting a new father and a new sibling, and now you think you can ask him to move a new home, while you run off to another continent with his brother.

I think you must be insane to even consider putting him through that, unless, in reality, his Dad is already his main carer.

DameEnidsOrange · 20/09/2012 12:02

Pineapplebed - "Personally I think child trumps husband every time but I know some disagree with me on that."

That ^ just that

lynniep · 20/09/2012 12:11

Your son is 7 and you want to leave him behind? He is 7. He doesn't want his life to change and he probably thinks its 'cool' to live with his dad (and what does his dad say? would he even want his son living with him full time?)

A 7 year old knows whom they love and want to be with, but they also say things because they want life to be 'exciting' - he will have no concept of what it will actually mean to lose his mother and siblings.

I said I wanted to go to boarding school at this age. I didnt have a clue what that would actually ENTAIL. I just thought it meant midnight feasts and jolly hockeysticks.

This wouldn't even be an issue imo, not for a 7 year old. 17 possibly.

milkteef · 20/09/2012 12:13

Child always trumps husband in my book. There is no way thst I would ever leave a child behind. I'd have a hard enough time leaving my adult children behind!

His father won't agree to it, you don't go. Your children come before your husband and his little business venture. If this business was 100% guaranteed to take off, I still wouldn't leavemy child behind!

You all go or none of you go.

You said he doesn't want to go so you've obviously asked him if he wants to move. It may not be about living with his dad but just staying where he is with his family.

lynniep · 20/09/2012 12:14

Also, my mother up and went to America with her partner when I was 6. She lost the custody battle for me, and went anyway. I understand her reasons, and this is not the same situation as you are in. She was a vunerable young woman in a country not of her birth/native tongue and saw a chance to escape, even if it meant going without her daughter. She wasn't a very good mum to start with, but she did try to get custody and failed after appeal. However its worth pointing out that I have no relationship with her. She is still in USA. She feels very sorry for herself about it all. I feel sorry for her too, and I will never put my children in that position.

Greythorne · 20/09/2012 12:53

I think this is so ridiculous it does not even merit debate.

How often will you get to see your son if you go?

I have many questions, but really, CBA to post them
As no sane person would move thousands of miles away without their 7 yo.

NellyBluth · 20/09/2012 14:00

DP's parents had to move abroad for work when he was 11. He went to boarding school and spent most of the holidays with his grandparents; his younger brother went abroad with their parents. I can see how they thought this was a sensible decision because of the boys' ages and schooling and all that jazz.... but it has had such a serious effect on DP. One, he feels his younger brother is favoured above him. And more importantly, two, he learnt at a young age not to rely on anyone but himself as even family aren't there for you. You can see all of this in the man he is now.

And this was a Forces family who had no choice but to move abroad.

7 is far too young. He either shouldn't be given a choice if his dad agrees to let you take him, or if his dad doesn't agree, then you don't go. Kids will never view decisions like this the same way as adults do, not even when they are adults themselves.

lunar1 · 20/09/2012 14:07

I would rather leave my heart behind than one of my children.

LookMaOneHand · 20/09/2012 14:17

I don't think any loving parent could even consider it in the scenario you describe. I'm sorry to put it so harshly but I can only imagine that's how your son would see it, at seven years old and for the rest of his life. He'll know he doesn't rate above a Stateside adventure on his own mother's list of priorities. Poor kid.

ShobGiteTheKnid · 20/09/2012 14:25

Making this decision is showing your little boy that your husband is more important than him. Is he? Is this 'possible new business' worth breaking your little boy's heart over?

GraceVentura · 20/09/2012 14:41

"I do not think my ex would let my son come with us if he changed his mind later on."

Do not move to the other side of the world with a man who you even think would lay down the law about whether or not you can live with your child.

And fwiw, there is no way I'd move to another country away from my 7 year old.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 20/09/2012 14:44

You're contradicting yourself. Get your story straight and then ask.

Noqontrol · 20/09/2012 14:44

No way. I could never leave my 7 yr old child behind. I couldn't even consider it.

GraceVentura · 20/09/2012 14:46

Ah sorry, you mean your ex not your husband. But still, you do risk very nasty custody battles by going down this road.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 20/09/2012 14:48

If my DP asked me to choose between him and my children I wouldn't even have to think about it. I'd chose the kids every time. No way ever would I go and leave a 7 year old behind. Not a chance.

And so as not to drip feed, DP moved miles and miles to be here with me because I would not move my kids from their home, schools, friends and their wider family (including their dad, my ex). He never once asked me to move. I cannot remember it even ever being discussed as a possibility.

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