awful morning with dd, very sad now.

[SugarBatty]

Quick back story, dd is 8 and just started year 4. Ds is 9 months I'm due back at work next month. Dd adores ds and is mostly a well behaved happy girl. She is however sometimes quite stroppy, doesn't let things go lots of back chat etc. She gets 4 pounds pocket money a week but if she misbehaves and ignores warnings etc she knows she will lose 50p pocket money.

This morning was just awful and it just seemed to happen over nothing. She seemed to wake up quite grumpy had to tell her lots of times to put on uniform. Made her and ds porridge she rudely complained it was horrible so I offered her yoghurt, weetabix or crunchy nut. She said "fine then I'll just eat it" I explained she didn't have to it was fine I'd just throw it out. She asked me to make her some more with water instead of milk so I did and she ate it. I asked her 3 times to go get her hair stuff she eventually stomped off. On her way she caught her foot on the stair gate. I was changing ds so I called to ask if ok and reminded her to open it fully so not to catch her foot again. She shouted "see you don't care" I asked to look at foot she said. "There's nothing to see" I returned to asking to do hair, she stroppily handed me the spray so I sprayed she screamed I had sprayed her eye. I said it wasn't on purpose if I did, I honestly don't think I did! She snatched spray off me and aimed it at my eye and tried to spray and said "see how you like it" at this point I got up and picked up ds told her off and said "stop it now that is not acceptable your behaviour is awful and I'm going to go away from you, you can do your hair yourself and brush your teeth and come down when your done" she then began grabbing me and pinching me and trying to stop me leaving the room and sayying "do my hair" I went to leave the room and she threw the tangle teezer at me back. I shouted at her how silly it was as could have hit the baby. I took baby downstairs and strapped in pram so he was out of the way.

I went back up and she was laid on her bed hair not done. I told her to do her hair and get coat and shoes on as she would be late she said "I don't care I'm not doing it you can't make me go to school and drag me there" I said there would not be pocket money she said"so what I don't care" I went to leave her room she came and stood it front of me and started hitting me this continued to top of the stairs where she pushed me hard so I smacked her twice on her upper arm to stop her hitting me. She stopped so I really told her off. She stroppily went and did hair and got coat on she told me she hated me and wished I would go and never come back! By this time we were ten mins late for school so tried to draw a line under it. I told her I loved her but did not like how she behaved and it was not acceptable to hit me and I need her to do what I say so we are not late. I reassured her I loved her as much as I do ds and tried to cuddle her but she shrugged me off. We walked to school and teacher was about to shut the door so gave her a hug and told her to forget about it for now and she began to cry. The teacher called her in so hurridely told teacher we were running late and she was a bit upset as didn't want to go into the whole thing.

I feel so sad now and worried she is having a horrible day. I have never smacked her but it was like she had lost control and couldn't stop herself so I did it to stop her. Her behaviour was bad and I am going to follow through with consequences as I want her to realise its not ok to do what she did.

Where did I go wrong and how can I make it right. Sorry its long.

She was having a bad morning.

Give her a hug and chat about it later.

When a GROWN WOMAN posts on here about losing it, everyone offers sympathy and, we've all been there, don't hate yourself. But an 8 year old kid? Stamp down on it hard, show her who's boss etc.

Nice.

Same here Fleshwound

OP try this tomorrow.

'Would you like toast or cornflakes?'

'I want porridge!'

'I'm not making porridge today - cornflakes or toast?'

'I want porridge!!'

'Cornflakes or toast?' (repeat as neccessary)

If she kicks off then fine - no breakfast, and she won't eat until mid morning break. That's her choice.

The next morning:

'Toast or cornflakes?'

'Cornflakes'

'Cornflakes what?'

'Please'

'That's better - there we are!'

So you see - it's a case of turning it away from it being her dictating and you complying, to YOU being in charge.

That ^^ is a simplified example obviously, but it illustrates what it means to stick to your guns.

Don't be ridiculous Hully. She's an eight year old tyrant!

IYO

Not mine

agree with pictish

usually a firm, 'well, that's tough' and walking away clears it - they get the message without me standing there arguing with them

(i usually head for the bathroom for 5 mins and put on moisturiser while they give off, by the time I'm done, theyre calmer and will listen to a 'dont even think about doing xyz again, in this house, IS THAT CLEAR DD'

firmly. assertively, clearly.

it works!

dont ever let her see you getting upset because of her, dont ever give her this control btw

Mine have never been tyrants (but have had bad mornings), and I have never treated them to my flexed power muscles. ie it isn't the only way.

I guess I remade the porridge to give benefit of the doubt as it could well have tasted horrible as it was instant oats and normally I make porridge properly! Plus I thought about picking battles and figured easier to remake than have a full blown row over porridge which it turned into anyway.

Hair is slightly harder I need to spray and detangle as dd can't do it properly then she styles it herself. After she tried to spray me I refused to help her anymore which prompted her hitting out and saying "do my hair" so even though I stood my ground and didn't help her I still failed miserably. It was like she was looking to pick a fight however I dealt with her.

Flexed power muscles - what are you referring to?

She was sugar - she was having a bad morning. New back at school, tired etc etc. She'll be sorry this evening.

pictish - flexed power muscles = showing who's got the power

I have had times when things have got out of hand and blown up out of all proportion (maybe not to OP extreme with pinching etc.) and there is nothing wrong with letting them see their behavior has upset you IMO. Just the other day I blew up at something really tiny as DS was going on, and on, and on...I ignored then lost it. I did say sorry as I should have handled it better. Nothing wrong with showing you are human.

And it could be hormones, dd does this too, just really wants to have a fight (as do I) once a month or so. I just say umhmmm and wander off without engaging (until I lose it and tell her she's horrid).

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here and agree with the OP that there might be a hormonal element. My DD is 8 tomorrow and has been showing signs of puberty for a good 6 months. Over the summer there have been a couple of occasions when she has been particularly difficult - angry, tearful, stroppy etc, and the one thing these incidents have had in common is that doesn't know or understand why she is feeling like that. She had another episode after school on Monday and looking back I would say they are occurring about a month apart, so I'm pretty sure there are some hormonal changes going on.

I also wonder if she feels that since your DS has come along she is more of an outsider and is testing you by pushing you away. You're obviously doing lots of stuff with her so in theory she 'shouldn't' feel like that but who knows how kids minds work.

You said in your OP "I'm going to go away from you, you can do your hair yourself and brush your teeth and come down when your done". So she pushes you, you 'abandon' her (I don't mean this literally I'm trying to see it from her POV) and at the same time emphasising all the things she should (quite rightly) be doing for herself plays up the difference between her and DS iykwim?

I think perhaps your DP needs to step up a little more too.

My friends DH has raised her DD with her from the age of 18 months and is her Dad in everything but biology (she has no contact with or maintenance from her biological 'father'). However, even now she's a teenager, he won't get involved in disciplining her. It's as if he is scared that she might throw 'you're not my Dad' back at him (which both friend and I think is highly unlikely as he's the only one she's ever known). They have a son the same age as my DD and the situation drives my friend nuts.

The point I'm trying (badly) to make is that if, as your DS gets older, your DP treats them differently in this way, it is another thing that your DD will notice as them not being treated the same.

XP Hully!

Hi hully I think I know what your saying and I do try and tune into her emotions and feelings. I'm trying to find a reason why she kicked off but she was grumpy from the word go. I deeply regretting slapping her on the arm but I wanted to shock her to snap out of what she was doing, if that makes sense. A bit like that old saying about slapping people on the face who are hysterical. I always think childrens behaviour is a reflection of their parents so I'm at fault here so need to come up with a plan.

Having my kids use manners and not letting them hit me is flexing my power muscles? What?

What I would do is have a lovely old chat about how things could be done differently by both of you so that nasty mornings are minimised. I think kids respond remarkably well to adults owning a part in it (even when it was a perfectly understandable response), and to being asked what they think about how things could be different and you both agreeing to try.

maybe it's just the way you sound pictish! You sound all a bit Because I say so - ish

^^what Hully and JustSpiro said, keep a discreet note on a calendar or in a diary to see if this happens again next month around the same time.

Em..yeah, when it comes to scuttling about like waitress and being hit, I am!

OP - don't feel bad about the slap. If I read correctly she was pushing and hitting you at the top of the stairs which could have been really dangerous.

If took a smack on the arm to prevent something worse happening then so be it imho.

Hi SPIRO definitely truth in what your saying I would just rather dp was a fun caring stepdad for now. If its just them he will tell her to stop doing something or tell her off if she needs it but when its all of us I take the lead. I think ds has brought dd and dp closer as we are more 'linked' now if that makes sense. I probably do need to step back a bit and leave dp to it with both the kids and let him find his feet I just can't help butting in.

She did not let her hit her pictish. It happened and it was a shock to her.

As for hormones - so what?

I was hormonal and I never lifted my hands to my mother. My eldest is 10 now and has had episodes that could have been down to hormones. he has never hit me though. Or sprayed anything in my eye. Or prevented me from leaving aroom o=in order to do his bidding.

Hormones my backside - bad manners!

Nothing much to add, except that I have been trying to get out of bed earlier to take the pressure off our mornings, and that seems to have helped us.

Back to school = bound to be tireder, perhaps more anxious.

Also I think that kids should do for themselves anything they are capable of doing. Doing things for them that they can manage doesn't help them to repsect you, in my opinion. e.g. getting breakfast, getting dressed, shoes, coat. I know you said she needs you to do hair, but perhaps she could be responsible for finding hair stuff, bringing it to you and asking for help etc.

I got my ds to write out his morning routine himself and this has really helped him take responsibility for it, and get things done without me flapping/chivvying.

You sound lovely, OP.

respect, clearly.