Issues with crying it out!

[Flosie1989]

Ok firstly I just wanted to say that I have never let my 4 month old DD cry it out nor will I ever do so.

The thing is I've been reading a lot about the long term effects that crying it out can cause later on in life, social issues etc which is why I'd never do such a thing. But all people (mainly family) keep saying to me is "be strong and let her CIO" or "it won't take long until she learns who's boss" and comments like this are really starting to bother and upset me. I don't have the bottle to say to MIL if my baby girl needs me then she needs me. Everyone tells me how much I've spoilt her etc.

My dad in the past has said to me (when DD was 1 week old!) "have you considered letting her cry at night?" he told me that when I was 4 weeks old him and my mum left me to cry downstairs for seven hours and I never cried during the night again - I wonder why! This on its own is bothering me as maybe this explains some of the issues I have experienced growing up, at least I don't remember it though. I just can't help in feeling anger towards my Dad about this now as I really disagree with it and especially now I know how special it feels to be a parent.

Basically this is a bit of a long pointless post but I just had to air my frustrations! I'm fed up with people telling me to leave my baby daughter to cry and to stop spoiling her :-(

P.s yesterday MIL advised me to put DD in her cot to bed and don't go back if she cries until 10 mins have passed. I knew I could never do that but I did decide to leave it a short period of time before going in rather than rushing to her like usual. I didn't even last 1 minute! When DP walked in I was crying and saying "I can't do it I just can't leave my baby to cry"

Am I being silly?!

No you are not being silly.

Practice saying "thanks for the advice but we are doing it a different way".
Or "amazing what they know now isn't it? Like that stress hormones released when a baby is left crying are really bad for them".

Just smile and do it your way. I could never let mine cry either :)

YANBU.

Your baby, your rules.

FWIW I did leave my 6mo old to cry. We all sleep better for it now. But that was my decision, I wouldn't expect you to do the same.

Not at all. My DD 7 months has never been left to CIO, despite MILs appeals. She's very content, happy and secure. Do what's right for you and fir your baby.

I agree with GOLDdebkav. Only you can decide how much attention your baby needs. I would let mine cry if it was bedtime but it only went on for 20 minutes or so. Over 30 minutes and I would have had to check on them.

You are not being silly at all. All that crap about spoiling babies by witholding comfort and leaving them to cry has roots in Victorian parenting books...which are utterly shocking in their cruelty. Likewise the mindset that infants are devious and manipulative. Your baby is not crying because she wants chocolate before dinner, to stay up past bedtime, or not do her homework. At 4 months old, wants are the same as needs and one of the biggest needs babies have is to be in close physical contact with mum. So politely tell your family to mind their own business and comfort your baby when she needs you!

I have the opposite problem my mum says i'm cruel to DS she's very much an attachment parent and i do let him cry if i'm busy for a few mins and leave him to cry sometimes in his cot (no more than 10 mins and as soon as he sounds like he's getting too upset i go in can't do the real CIO) but i know how horrible it can be people telling you what you should be doing and more or less telling you your doing it wrong.

I just stand firm tell them i'm doing what suits me and my son not anyone else, 7 months up the line they still comment but i just keep saying i'm fine as i am

I can sympathise, I get this a lot. Mainly from the older generation. My DD is 9mo and a terrible sleeper and I have tried everything except leaving her to cry. 1. Due to the research on its negative effects on children and 2. Because I just couldn't bear to leave her to cry, it goes against all my motherly instincts.

I do get fed up with people saying just let her cry, as if it is the answer to all our problems and as if I had never thought of it! But then I also get a lot of people pressuring me to give up bfing as well, again usually the older generation.

MIL recently told DH that she used to give him and his sister sleeping tablets on friday and saturday nights so PIL could have a lie in at weekends. I can't imagine anyone doing that these days!

People telling you this nonsense are just uneducated.

i've never left mine to cry - well occasionally when they got to about 3 and were doing it out of crossness, and I had tried, but couldn't help, or talk them out of it - iyswim.

Babies should never be left to cry. It really can do some damage.

You are right and you just need to find the strength to tell them to leave you alone, and stop interfering - it is your baby, you are its mother, it is your right to decide how it is looked after.

Omg geeandtee sleeping tablets?! I think it is more the older generation that give us all this unwanted advice! My MIL told me once that she used to feed her kids baby rice at night from about 5 weeks old because it used to conk them out for the night!

When DD was a very new tiny baby I thought I'd feel differently about the whole CIO thing but now that DD has her own little character and smile etc I can't bare the thought of her upstairs sobbing

Thanks everyone for your comments and experiences its eased my anger slightly!

I think if you find it that hard to express your feelings on it, or stand up to them, you should perhaps try and avoid being around them as much as you can - Remember, your baby cannot help herself, she really needs you to stand up for her - they are grown ups and can fight their own battles. What harm does it do them anyway if you go to her.

Partly they may be this insistent because they secretly feel unsure that they did the right thing in leaving theirs to cry - so they have to pretend it was for the best, and make you do it too.

Yes I think you're right edmc I did have a chat with DP about it and I just said "I don't like it when your parents tell me to leave her to cry and that I shouldn't hold her so much it makes me feel like im doing everything wrong" he just said that they are only trying to help me and make things easier for me....

you're not being silly. i could never leave a baby to cry, it just feels completely wrong.

i had heard lots of "you can't pick them up every time they cry" before DS1 was born and i really worried that i was doing something wrong when i did.

even now my parents call DS2 a "wee twister" and say how he knows what he wants if he cries when put down etc. they don't leave him, but really seem to think he's manipulating them or something!

I'm pretty sure i was left to cry a bit too, that was the advice people got in hospital from what mum says. feed every 4 hours, let baby cry.

i hate even when DS2 has to cry if I'm busy taking his big brother to the toilet or something, big softy me. :)

i never sleep trained or left DS1 to cry and i don't plan to with DS2. just hoping he figures out sleeping eventually too! he's only 4.5 months so sleeping at night is not his current strong point...

hope they leave you alone about it eventually. :)

Yes, people always say 'we care about you and can't watch you put yourself through all this getting up in the night, blah blah blah'

I think that is your choice to make. I always found mine cried far less when I went to them straight away - if I left it a minute or two they got worried, and escalated the noise and took longer to calm down.

An ex once said to me, around 2am, 'you're like a rocket as soon as you hear him!' and I explained that it was the best way to minimise disruption. The sooner you respond - preferably when they are only making little noises or wriggling, which is the best thing about co-sleeping - the better it works out, the less noise they make and the quicker it stops.

My second didn't cry at all before 6 months as I always went to him at the little sounds/wriggles/rooting stage, so he didn't need to iyswim.

(well he did cry twice, when he had tummy ache I think - but that was it. Twice!)
You are SO on the right track. Your instincts are spot on.

What everyone else has said. Plus, it is not 'making things easier for you' because you're getting stressed out and upset by not doing what every cell in your body correctly wants you to do. Stick to your instincts and your guns - your baby needs you.

FWIW I would also point out to your DH that he is not "making things easier for you" by not supporting you. You need a united front. And Riker is right too - practise a couple of things you can say to anyone who suggests CIO. "Yes, but they know so much more now about the harm it causes that I couldn't in conscience put DD through it." or similar

Thank you everyone for all your advice I think I might have to stick up for myself and DD a bit more!

I just want to make the most of this time when she's small enough to carry around and cuddle on my lap and needs my help with everything as I know that I'll never get these times back. Plus they'll come a time when she'll be married and won't need me to do everything for her anymore and won't need to be tucked in at night luckily that's a long way off

There is a big difference between allowing an older baby to cry to express their frustration and CIO. I never left my dd to cry, but when we started sleep training at about 6 months I would lay her down, she would cry and I would allow her too for one minute. After a minute I would go back to her, lay her down again and then move away for another minute. If I stayed with her she screamed and screamed, but by moving away and then going back she learned that mummy would always come back. It isnt in any of the sleep training books, but it worked for us.At four months I was still carrying my dd everywhere and she slept on me most of the time. If someone tells you that you are spoiling her just smile and say 'maybe, if she is still sleeping on me when she is 25 I will know I have done something wrong'.

Actually, try to avoid anything about how harmful it is as it's likely they did it themselves with their own babies and will get massively offended.

Just say we prefer to do it this way. No one can really argue with that, well, they can, but they can't make you do it their way. Carry on regardless and be super nice at the same time.

Agree with all this. It beggers belief how we as parents are expected to take advice from people who saw nothing wrong with putting whiskey in babies milk bottles or leaving them to cry for hours on end at the bottom of the garden.

OP: I would say something to your Dad about this. Challenge him on it. Ask him why he thought it was acceptable to leave a newborn baby to cry for 7 hours. 7 hours! Tell him you think he and your mum were cruel and that you think less of them as parents for doing this.

Your baby your choice but... . They are most likely only suggesting it because they did it and found it great way to solve sleep issues and so they just think they are being helpful. If you don't want to do it great butvplease don't be judgemental of people who do!

I did CIO with my 5 month old & it was great way to tackle the 4hrs of rocking/settling/crying/rocking/crying/settling we were having to do everynight to get him to sleep (It was micracously by the way & don't regret it one bit) We are now at 1yr and planning to start CIO for his night wakings. People have different babies and therefore have different parenting style. The research on developmental damage is actually pretty crap and relates to severely neglected babies - not a few days of sleep training.

Keep it in perspective be gracious & just say I don't want to leave him to cry thanks very much.

Oh and please don't do as tryharder says and start a massive family rift over this - it really isn't worth it. Having a small baby is a time when the family should be closer together and enjoying the new addition to the family, just agreeto disagree on parenting styles.

Thanks again ladies

1500mmania I don't judge those that opt for the CIO method. It just upsets me personally to hear DD cry continuously. People deal with things differently I suppose

I wouldn't cause a family rift over this at all....well it wouldn't be on purpose anyway!

However I will add that I do judge my dad for leaving me to cry. But I think that's just because it was me. I'm picturing me as a dinky little baby needing comfort and not getting it.....

how could they even listen to you for 7 hours!

Crying it out works, of course it does.

That's not because babies are sorted by being left to cry. It's because they give up...it teaches them that no one comes.

I judge anyone who does it - but only if they are aware of why it is bad for children. Until someone tries to tell them it's wrong, and why it's wrong, they can't be blamed for making a mistake. But after that I judge wholeheartedly.