Child Led or Parent Led... Different Styles

[iMoniker]

I see more and more reference to child/baby led, unschooling, attachment parenting and other similar catchwords/phrases.

Anybody keen to discuss - pro's/cons etc.

Personally, I prefer parent led. I run a reasonably strict home, kids follow a routine and always have done. I don't think either is right or wrong - so please don't let this thread descend into a debate.

I am always open to other ideas and change, so would be interested to hear your point of view - either way.

I don't have a point of view as I just muddle along, but I am wondering how you can ask for opinions but not want debate...

I suppose, I didn't word that well.

What I meant was, I didn't want it to descend it a slanging match. I am really very interested to hear opinions, but not for people to be horrible to one another - as seems to happen quite often on MN.

I suppose I'd describe myself as pretty child-led in terms of playing/activities - I might suggest a game or a trip but if the DCs aren't keen then we don't do it (I'm hardly going to force them to go to the park if they're not bothered). If they want to do something in particular then they usually get to do it unless there's a very good reason not to. But we don't have random mealtimes, or allow them to stay up to whatever time they want to. I'd say that I structure the outline of the day - sleep, food etc - and then within their boundaries they're allowed to amuse themselves as they please.

I think my parenting style can best be described as Mix-and-Muddle. Sometimes it's child led, sometimes it's parent led, often it's a compromise and more so the older my dc get.

Now I see what you mean! I wasn't trying to be difficult, just confused.

I guess I do a combination. My son is allowed to say if he does or doesn't want to do something and if it's something that doesn't matter his opinion counts. Obviously there are some things he has to do!

But I also don't give him a choice on things like meals, I am not a short order cook! Right now he also gets to pick his clothes, but he starts school soon and he'll have to wear his uniform.

I'd prob have been more parent led when ds small. . In terms of activities cos sometimes u know they'll enjoy things even if they are reluctant to move. ..

I'm similar to other posters, in that I probably do a mix of both. I do try to give my DD a fair bit of choice in terms of what she wears, what activities she does and sometimes what she eats. But a lot of things are non-negotiable, like bedtime, or if something is arranged like swimming lessons. I think we have a good balance- she knows DH and I get final say, but she also knows we respect her opinions and choices.

Depending on what's happening I will do things in different ways. Somw things are parent led and others child led. I don't like to think of being bound by any one particular way of doing things.

Interesting - I have three kids, so if I offered each child a choice of 2/3 things for each meal, I could end up needing a lot of food and doing a lot of dishes.

I guess circumstance plays a role. Up until last week I was a full time worker. To get through the week, we needed to be regimented.

"Breakfast - not of your choice by no later than 6.50am, otherwise, everything falls to pot. I can see this is not ideal though."

We've been sent a survey from the school (my DS1 who is in Y6). A lot of the survey focusses on home life and how much input the child gets in the decision making process - which got me thinking...

Does anybody know about the specific parenting styles - unschooling/attachment parenting?

Sorry to be cynical, but you sound like a journo looking for cheap copy.

You can Google 'attachment parenting' to find out more.

Thejoyfulpuddlejumper is on the money here- the term 'child-led' is a bit of a misleading one, it doesn't mean that there are no boundaries or discipline. Quite the opposite in fact. It is acknowledging everything a child needs to learn (i.e academic, family, culture, emotional intelligence etc...) but asking you to observe & listen to your child to find the most appropriate time to teach it. Looking for natural teachable moments where the child would respond best to the information.

For example, if your 3 year old is very interested in cars, but hates the thought of 'writing' anytime you have dragged him off to do it. Sitting him down, forcing him, being strict, growling him- will not help him, it will not teach him, it will only increase his hate of writing and not to great things for your relationship either.

A child led example would be to join him where his interests are. Play alongside him while he is playing cars. Maybe he mentions "My car is off to the zoo"
You might reply "hmmm how do we get there?"
He might say "you go up here and around this corner"
You suggest "I would like to come- maybe we can draw a map so we don't get lost- I don't know the way- can you show me?"

Here you have your in to mark-making. It is following his interests. He now will want to show you with a pen & paper "up here and round the corner"

The ability to write, comes from the skill of knowing how to both make intentional marks on paper, then the concept that those marks can be understood by others. Eventually children learn about the concepts of words & letters. That your A should look pretty similar to my A for it to be an A.

To get to that point (& enjoy the process enough to want to keep practising & learning) experimentation, not worrying to much about whether you make mistakes, and having the scaffolding support of someone who knows a bit more than you (but is not taking over) is AMAZING.

In this context- only your child knows the map. There is no right or wrong. Whatever he draws is correct. This type of play is a great foundation. As his confidence grows, so will his skill. By joining his play little & often, you get regular opportunities to introduce these concepts. Gently, but regularly. Not so it takes over the whole play session, but enough to plant a seed. It also does amazing things for your bond. He feels listened to, respected, like his ideas are good. It feeds the imagination & creativity. It promotes problem solving & eventually critical thinking. Something being strict & formal does not.

Rosebud, that's bloody offensive. I have been on MN for 10 years.

Get stuffed!

Thanks Joyful and Teachers - it's good to see other people opinions. I am actually a little tired of living a regimented lifestyle. I was only trying with this thread to seek real life context.

Yes I could google it but that doesn't really answer questions (like the meal choices) in context.

It was lovely of you to take the time to answer.

"Does anybody know about the specific parenting styles - unschooling/attachment parenting? "

imoniker

I practised attachment parenting with my two. Though I didn't realise it had a name when I started. Basically meant I exclusively breastfed, co-slept, carried them in slings. With my second DD I didn't put her in a cot or a moses basket apart from a handful of times when she was transferred asleep.
She was a baby who wouldn't normally be put down so she always slept on me or in a sling or next to me on a mattress.

I practised baby led weaning (no purees) and child led weaning from the breast.

Unschooling (I don't do this but have read some John Holt and am very interested in the topic) just means not sending children to school and then just following the child's lead at home. No structured lessons but if your child becomes interested in trains you might get out books from the library on trains, visit a station, train museum etc. They learn through participating in family life and education becomes part of their daily experience as you seek to answer their questions and provide them with the materials they need to find the answers they are seeking.

Sorry these are very simplistic explanations.

Rosebud...

Here you go - proof of my credentials (I am quite incensed by your post and for the first time ever, felt the need to justify myself on MN).

This is one of my earlier posts on MN - I think I joined about 6 months before this one (different posting name).

dejags Tue 20-Aug-02 12:07:13
I have been wondering exactly the same thing. The thing is, is that I have had a breast reduction so we were never sure if I could b/f. I did produce milk but because of my b/reduction I was encouraged to offer DS a bottle after he was born (I also had this daft notion that he would be incredibly thirsty after the long birthing business ). I spent days bottlefeeding and trying to express simultaneously which was led to disasterously sore and bleeding boobs, a very uptight mummy and a baby who was getting more and more used to bottles. The fear in me that I couldn't produce enough milk because of duct problems really knocked my confidence so in the end I gave up. I had experience of midwives from both sides of the coin - I had different midwives on alternate days, one was really pro breastfeeding and really pressured me to carry on trying and to visit the counsellor, the other totally believed that I couldn't do it. It was an awful time of my life and I can also say that I felt (and still do feel) horrendously guilty because I was bottlefeeding DS. Now that I am more experienced I am going to be more assertive when baby #2 comes along and try harder to get b/f established. Out of interest, have any of you successfully fed after a b/reduction?

Lots of interesting food for thought here.

Very interested to dispel the myth that there is some structure and a bit of routine. I have always been frightened off the more easy flowing way of doing things because I kind of rely on some order.

TingTong - re. punishment, what do you do, out of interest, if you don't punish? I worry, it would turn to anarchy if don't keep a tight control, but can see that the constant punishment and far too much shouting is not effective either.

Gilberte - if you don't mind me asking, how old was your DD when she reached milestones - of her own accord (weaning etc?).

I'll go off an search those threads TingTong. It's what I should probably have done first up :).

Thanks for responding.

Ahem still trying to completely wean DD1 at 4.5. Nightweaned (parent-led by getting DH to settle for a few days) at 2.5.

DD2 nightweaned at 18months (again gently parent-led).

As DD2 still feeds once or twice in the day, DD1 still asks to join in. I have been talking to DD1 about weaning for a year or so and she keeps moving the milestones (when I'm 4, when I'm 4.5, when I've got my school uniform). She gave up for 3 days when ill a few weeks ago so thought that might be it- it is something I'm doing everything to encourage now.

Other milestones like sleeping through the night happened with DD1 at about 3/4 and with DD2 18 months.

DD1 went into a cot at 1 yr, cot bed at 1.5 and slept all night in her room from about 3.

DD2 went into a bed at 18 months next to my bed.

DD1 still hops in her sisters puschair sometimes when she is tired or pretends to be a baby, or wants to be carried. I don't make a fuss about it and try to accomodate her. She is a good walker and rode her bike to school this morning.

I do have structure- breakfast lunch, tea and bedtimes are fairly fixed. There are lots of choices in between. I try not to punish or rewards. No time out or naughty step ( though to my shame I have shouted a few times when driven to the edge of my patience- particularly since DD2 came along and DD1 has started pushing, shoving, poking her sister and pushing my buttons). I try not to be a shouty mum. Consequences don't work . I try to model the behaviour I want to see or give attention to the victim not the aggressor.

I was quite attachment parenting style when they were babies - co-slept, BF on demand through toddler years etc. but as they got older I felt it was fine to be quite directive. I certainly often bundle us all off to the park because I know it will make for a better day if we all get out for a bit (me included !)
I guess I feel babies benefit from having their needs met well, but older children do well with some structure, and learning to understand that everyone's needs and preferences need to be considered and balanced. Hopefully there's room for negotiation of ideas, providing they're positive and considerate of others

< bundles everyone into car for obligatory trip to the park >

Agree with Juggling- As children get older they need more boundaries and will push and push until they find them.

I also do plan outings out to keep them busy ( they are harder work at home) but if they want to come home we do.

I think "structural discipline" is also a good term as you can make your home environment/ structure of the day quite robust and give your children a lot of freedom within that.

For example if you don't want your children to eat a lot of sweets etc just don't have them in the house so they aren't exposed to them and then you can treat them when they are out if you want. Keep things you don't want them to play with locked away, out of reach so you don't have to keep nagging them.

Similarly don't have TV on as background and they probably won't ask to watch it all the time. Have plenty of things they can do on shelves they can reach. Have a lot of opportunity for messy play but keep it in the garden.

You want to play with water- ok I don't want water all over the floor, lets go outside I'll fill a bucket up and get you some bottles/containers etc. You want to paint / draw all over the table- ok we'll set it up outside- get messy and I'll throw you in the bath afterwards, if necessary.

You want to jump on the furniture- ok I'll get you some cushions, let you jump on the sofa but you can't climb up on the table etc.

You want to play with food- here have some flour and water- let's play at cooking etc

So basically-it doesn't have to be a free for all- You control the environment and see how you can accomodate their interests within that- sorry if it sounds obvious