my dp has NO bond with our 2month old dd :-(

[angel05]

Hi everyone. basically apart from the week off my dp had after our dd was born he has spent no time with her. he accepts as much over time as possible even offers to do other peoples over time. He never changes her nappy, he does nothing. We went out for a few hours last night for my b.day and had a few drinks whilst my mum had our dd and the whole time i just kept thinking about dd being at home and he just kept talking about f.in football!!! I put dd moses basket in my mums room as we had a few drinks so mum did night feeds and hes said he didnt even notice it was gone. i said to him if he went away for a week would he even miss her he said probably not to be honest. he feels no way about going and staying at his mums over night and never ever texts me to ask how dd is. never! Shes been a difficult baby due to colic and reflux but i am the one that deals with her screaming for hours. if i give her to him to give him a chance to bond with her he sits her.on his lap and watches tv while she is there staring at him. so i say to him shes looking at you or her head is hanging down he has a go at me and tells me to leave him alone. im supposed to.be taking her to see my dad and nan today and he said i cant take her i can go by myself when they never get to see her. is this normal behaviour for a dad not to be bothered with his child. hes more interested in the tele. he wants all my attention and even had a strop about me reading her a story! Sorry for the long post.

oh dear OP, so sorry you feel this way. Parenthood is a huge shock for both mum and dad. Nothing I am about to say is an excuse for his behaviour - he SHOULD be taking more of an interest but: Pregnancy can be a rather abstract concept for some men, my DP was supportive when I was pregnant but did not do the whole talking to the bump thing, or cry at the scans or anything like that really. He only really got it when each of them were born. Young babies don't really give anything "back" in terms of interaction and some people (including mothers, including me) find it hard to really get attached to them initially. I cared for both of mine but didn't feel some great rush of love / protectiveness etc that some people talk about for some time. It sounds as though he has not really made the mental leap required that he is in fact a daddy. Can you have a proper conversation with him about it - keep it very blame free, how YOU feel, not what HE does or doesn't do. Ask him to do specific things like take her up to her moses basket and tuck her in, feed (if expressing or using formula - in fact, if you're not, maybe start as a way to get him involved), let him bath her and DON'T stand over his shoulder and supervise, just make sure he has what he needs and let him do it, he's highly unlikely to do her any harm- he may just be really unsure and would rather not do anything than get it wrong. I'm trying to be positive here, he may be a lazy selfish arse who never wanted to be a dad but assuming not, give him a little time if you can. 3months + does get better. If he has a strop when you read her a story, ask him why. What IS the problem exactly? Communication is the only way through this. Best of luck and congrats on your lovely baby by the way xx

Thank you so much for your advice. he is upset because he.doesnt get much.of my attention at the moment because baby is a real handful once hes home from work so im constantly pacing the floor with.her. i do always kinda supervise him. i find it so.hard not to. i had a terrible birth and couldnt hold her for the first two days of dd life cause i was so unwell so i think im abit overprotective of her. she has shocking reflux and colic so shes in pain alot and his attitude was to just put her down and let her scream it out he said if she cries when im holding her she might aswell cry in her bouncy chair. i was fuming and tried to calmly explain its because she is in pain you cannot just put her down. so he walked off and said i was.undermining him. So since then ive been worried to leave her with him but i am going to try :-(

hmm, I think he's getting a bit ahead of himself - you can't undermine him yet, she has no idea what's going on and you can't really "teach" a two month old anything. I am the last person to advocate attachment parenting (where you never put the baby down) and I did put mine in their baskets and let the grumble for a few minutes before they went to sleep but that's NOT the same as ignoring a colicky baby. DD had it and no, walking and rocking her didn't help, but she was in pain and wanted comfort so you do it, even though we would have white knuckles with frustration - we would take it it turns and shut the doors between us to try and give the other a bit of a break. When you were unwell after the birth, did he take the lead then? I had a CS both times so DP changed the all the nappies for the first few days! I assume the colic is worst in the evening - a pity as that's obviously when he sees her - can you give him charge of her on a saturday or sunday morning maybe, don't go far, just go and have a bath or out in the garden or something, but let him sort her out. If he comes and says she needs changing, just tell him where everything is and carry on with the expectation that he will deal with it. Does he have any friends who are dads? What are they like?

He was ok trying to look after her when.i was ill but it only lasted a week and i have literally only just started feeling better the past week. he has mates that are dads but he doesnt really talk to them anymore. i just left him for half an hour to.go and dye my hair and ive come down and the garden door is wide open and shes laying asleep on the sofa in just a vest and nappy and he is sat next to her. she has a cold and little cough and the room is freezing. he didnt even.think to put a blanket over her so i had too.

ok, yes it does sound like he just hasn't "clicked" into the fact that he is responsible for this little scrap so a serious conversation at a calm and quiet time (ie not when baby is screaming) seems called for. Best of luck. Let me know how it goes!

I think he needs to get his act together sharpish. He sounds as though he's in denial about the fact that the baby is here, that things are going to change, and that two of the things that change are 1) he slips down the order of importance by a notch and 2) he needs to take his share of the responsibility.

I think he's using you 'undermining' him as an excuse to be lazy. You carry the baby around when she's colicky because even though she's still crying it's important that you are comforting her. Just because you can't immediately 'fix' her doesn't mean you can just leave her to get on with it. I agree with giving him specific tasks. And if that specific task is standing up for three hours jiggling her while he watches tv instead of putting his feet up on the sofa then he needs to suck it up and get on with it.

Sorry to sound bossy/harsh, but he needs to get with the programme. This isn't about 'bonding' IMO it's about laziness.

He sounds awful. Frankly, for all the help he gives you, he might as well not be there. What was he like through your pregnancy?

I think you are undermining him, he doesn't hold her, when he does he does it wrong, he doesn't mind her, when he does he does it wrong.

His opinions on parenting are just as valid as yours, and you cannot dismiss them without talking them through. You are going to have to trust him to mind the baby. You will wind yourself up no end if you continue down this path.

Actually, Pilgrim, some opinions on parenting are not just as valid as others. Putting a colicky baby in its chair to scream itself through the evening is quite simply not the right thing to do.

Sorry been away from computer all day. thank u everyone. i know i shouldnt constantly correct him but its only when he does ridiculous things. but i will have to give him more of a chance and hopefully he will learn that she is alot mire fragile than he realises xxx he now has a week off work so it will be.the perfect chance x

I don't think it's about undermining him. I think it's because when he does make an effort, it's a piss poor one and it needs correcting. He sounds like a stroppy teenager.

He does behave like a stroppy teenager and worst of all hes upset because i point blank refuse to have another baby as he wants one now. i gave birth 9 weeks ago and with the wat things have been....... what a joke

Good grief, I'm a fan of smallish gaps between babies (18 months between mine) but to start trying for another when your first is only two months old is a bit much!

I hesitate to generalize, but I know in the case of my dh and several male friends that they just don't 'do' babies when they're that tiny and vulnerable, but the bond comes on in leaps and bounds once the babe is more interactive, for want of a better word.
There's no reason for you to feel unsupported though, even if he's barely involved in his dc's care he can make sure you're looked after, pitch in with household chores etc.

Especially seen as i nearly died during.giving birth i think its abit insensitive. but no way am i gonna be that silly! I do believe when dd is abit older he will be able to enjoy her more hopefully xxx

Maybe it's me being thick, but surely not "doing babies" and having a strop over your DP giving more attention to a 2 months old are 2 different things! Fair enough, babies are more interesting and entertaining when they interact more, but this is no excuse for wanting to leave a baby in pain to scream it out, or not putting a blanket on her when she's sleeping in a cold room. As for the OP "undermining" him, it might be true to a certain extent, but hard not to interfere when your OH is really useless.

I'm not sure molycoddling him and trying to find out about his feelings is the answer, rather a kick up the backside and telling him to get his act together!

I know i really do have to be abit firmer. well actually alot! Which is something ive had trouble with my whole life is being firm with people but when its comes to dd i dont care what i have.to say. i do constantly seem like im moaning but seriously if he had abit of common.sense i wouldnt be constantly on at him. x

I think men simply don't always know instinctively what their baby needs and sometimes they can be really thick about obvious things, such as putting a blanket over baby on sofa, I bet you he would say that he wasn't cold so didn't think she was. My advice is to leave him to it as much as you can and go and look after yourself, it sounds like you have had a terrible time of it! Go and have a long bath and leave him alone with her and gradually build these times up. If your baby is not crying she is happy and she'll soon let him know if he's getting it wrong for her. I think there's a difference there... as long as he's getting it right for her it's not necessarily got to be right for you.

I think it is early days to talk about him not having a bond, I bet he loves her like mad but just hasn't clicked that he is responsible for her. Sometimes fatherhood takes a while to grow on men and it's too easy for the mum sometimes to put it down to father being a useless arse, although some are! Last thing, fathers often fall most in love with their babies once they give something back, they don't always have that instinctive bond a mother has and it's a bond that is earnt and grown through interaction that comes with an older baby. It is such early days don't worry so much and focus on your lovely baby and your recovery.

Thank you mumma. i felt quite emotional reading that damn hormones lol x thank you everyone. i will give him more of a chance and maybe just not comment on every little thing he does. its so hard but i will have to gradually do it xxx

I read mummahubba's post and then I went back and reread the original OP. Mummahubba is right about the majority of issues, but there are some which are really well out of order such as not bothering with any of the baby care and not being interested at all in the baby. It damn near breaks my heart to imagine a baby gazing up at it's daddy who doesn't bother to look back.

If my boyfriend was anything like your man, OP, I'd be on a plane back to the UK with my baby in tow. I couldn't cope with the pain of watching my child being ignored by someone who should be as thrilled with her as I am.

It does break my heart to be honest. I tell him all the time to.look at her cause shes smiling at him. constantly telling him! he has been abit better today but i still had to tell him to seem more interested as.she kept looking at him and screeching with excitement. im amazed by everything she doea right now as she is quite advanced i just dnt understand HOW he can be excites by all her new little things shes doing x

If you have to tell him, there's something wrong. Have you told him how you feel? How he might only get one chance in life to experience this? He's struggling to cope with the change in his lifestyle, just like most men I think. My own boyfriend had trouble dealing with his anger when he was tired, firing at me to avoid taking it out on the baby. When she wouldn't stop crying at bedtime he once started to shake her to try to get her to take notice of him and that's when I told him to give her to me and get his arse back to bed because he obviously can't cope with being a daddy so I'll have to do it all. He soon taught himself to deal with his anger and although he didn't say anything, I think he felt remorse when he looked back upon his behaviour.

My boyfriend loves his daughter and made an effort to get used to the change in our lives and now he's a fantastic daddy. I hope to god that your man does the same because your girl is not a pet and does not deserve to be ignored. She might not remember anything when she's older, but her senses will be primed one way or the other.

Sorry how old is he?

You need to tell him to get a grip if he thinks it is reasonable to have another baby so soon after the last one and the 1
Trauma u went thru. Tell him to take an interest in the baby he has first......jeez