I want another child but not sure I want another baby.

[CountBapula]

DS is 2 next month and DH and I have started talking about TTC DC2 in the New Year. I've always wanted to have two kids and DH feels the same.

DS is gorgeous and l love him with all my heart but he was a very high-maintenance baby. Screamed for hours on end, fought naps until he ended up an overtired mess, woke every hour or two through the night until he was 8 or 9 months old. Still doesn't reliably sleep through now. I ended up with depression because of the constant crying and lack of sleep - DS's first year was one of the hardest of my life :(

Things are better now and DS has blossomed into a lovely, bright, sunny toddler but I still feel like we're in survival mode a lot of the time due to lack of sleep and time on our own together. Not even sure how we'll manage to conceive DC2 in our permanently knackered, slightly grumpy state

Despite all this, I really want another child and don't yet feel our family is complete. But I coped so badly with DS's babyhood that I'm terrified of going through it again. What if DC2 is just as tricky, but I have a pre-schooler to deal with too?

Part of me thinks we have to grit our teeth and get on with it - it's not that I want another cute, pink baby, it's more that I want another person in our family to keep DS company and grow up with him, etc. But I'm scared I won't cope with the baby stage and that I'll geDt depressed again.

Has anyone else had a tough time with DC1 and gone on to have another? Any words of wisdom?

No words of wisdom but wanted to say I feel the same. Hate the feeling of guilt, I was so excited to find myself pregnant last time, I really want another baby but not sure I'll cope well. Am a mess of emotions in general at the minute so probably the sensible thing for me to do is wait a bit.

My second baby was a dream compared with the first. I think it is partly personality but partly knowing what you're doing. For example with DD1 she cried a LOT but with DD2 I seemed to feed her before she cried, or recognise a tired cry etc. I'm not saying the lack of sleep and stuff didn't get to me but I was used to it so it was easier. Also the second does not completely change your life-style in the way the first did. You're used to not being able to 'pop out' for anything or go for a poo without company by then.

I felt the same op. Dd1 was awful as a baby and I didn't feel ready to have another child until she was 4.5. However, I then ended up with dts who were also complete nightmares! I thank God to this day that I waited as long as I did as if dd1 had been a toddler when the dts were born I would never have coped. Good luck with whatever you decide

I had a relatively 'easy' dc1 and am still terrified of another newborn. I hated hated hated the newborn bit and if I could.give birth to a six month old I.would.

I think a lot of people are more scared of dc2 than they were for dc1.

In all likelihood, any future dc of yours.could be great sleepers and 'easier' than dc1.

Is there anything you can arramge before a second baby arrives, for instance, getting a cleaner so you dont have to worry about the house?

DD1 was a dream! So was DD2. Then we had DS . . .

Most of the DCs I know of friends, and my own, were very different in terms of sleep and personalities, so it might be better next time? Plus you'll be better equipped to cope anyway, not such a steep learning curve.

Plus the second time round, those awful early months go so much more quickly, as you are just so blooming busy with 2 of them.

I'm not selling this am I?! Short term pain, long term gain...

In exactly the same boat right now. I keep thinking, why would I put myself through that again? I hated being pregnant, DD was very early and we worried endlessly about her, she was hospitalised etc in first 3 months, we have no family nearby and had just moved here, then she didn't sleep for a year.

For me it was writing off a year, so I am trying to take the approach 'It's just a year to write off and then you might get someone who 1. literally screams with joy when I get back from work 2. shouts 'Mummy! I want to cuggle you NOW!' and all the other 'yes it was worth it stuff.'

My DD1 was a very 'difficult' baby. She had colic until she was 4 months old and cried almost constantly. Even when the colic cleared, she remained fractious, never ate well and still doesnt sleep through the night most of the time. The little monster didnt even grace us with a smile until she was 14 weeks old!!

I also suffered with PND and exhaustion - not suprising really.

Shes 2.8 now and has despite a difficult start, is a happy, chatty, bright little girl.

DD2 came along 18 weeks ago and she couldnt be more different. She never stops smiling and rarely cries despite cutting her first two teeth. Last night she slept for nine solid hours.

The fact that Im more relaxed about things has helped a little but I cant take much credit. Shes just has a very different personality to DD1.

I have days where looking after both of them is hard but its more than worth it

Thanks everyone. Reassuring to know it's not just me that dislikes the baby stage.

'if I could.give birth to a six month old I.would.' YY to this though in my case it'd be an 18 month old

Re support, I had none last time which didn't help (no family nearby). If there is a next time I'm thinking about a mother's help for a couple of hours a week, just to take the edge off. Also, idea is to leave at least a 3 year gap so DS will be at preschool a few days a week and I won't have the two of them full time.

I found it really lonely and boring last time and I think that contributed to the depression - at least I'd have DS to keep me company this time

I'm exactly the same, wanted two children but didn't want another baby. I hated being pregnant and hated the first year of his life. He was a terrible sleeper and fed every two hours at least for the first 7 months. I didn't feel like I was me.

Anyway, he's now 3 and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. Hating pregnancy again and if anyone asks if I'm looking forward to the baby I'm finding it very hard to be positive. I'm the last in my nct group to have a second, they've all had theirs, and I've been relieved to note that they've all found it easier second time around.

Basically, I couldn't picture DS being an only child and wanted a relatively small gap so they have a chance to get on. So got on with having another despite misgivings. DS will be in pre-school and also at his child minders part time and I will increase his hours if I need to. I'm just going to grit my teeth and get through it. One positive is that DS is really excited about the baby and sings to my tummy which is lovely.

Another one here who feels the same. DD is 2.2 and is generally a joy, but even though she wasn't a particularly difficult baby I just couldn't imagine going through all that again on top of having a toddler to run after. I really struggled with motherhood and sometimes still
do. I had PND and spent most of her first year regretting that I'd had her (not because I didn't love her or didnt actually want her to be here, just because I felt so useless if that makes sense). I'm terrified that if we have another I will regret not sticking with one and history will repeat itself.

I think if we do have another we will wait until DD is at school, so I won't have to look after both of them at the same time for most of the week...

my ds1 was a nightmare high needs baby, he got better the older he got, from 18mths onwards life did get better. i got preg when he was 2yrs 3mths ish. he didnt sleep through until he was 3yrs old by which point we had ds2.

ds2 was an easier baby, not sleep wise as such just a happier personality, he was also entertained watching his brother. he crawled nad walked earlier than ds1 and was just a much happier baby tbh.

i dont know really you just cope as you dont have any choice, but i have had 5 and the only one that has been a good sleeper has been ds4! but we have survived and i wouldnt change it for the world.

my experience has been it was easier purely as the little one was entertained by the older ones.

you will have some pre--school entitlement once your ds1 is three, does he go to a nursery or anything yet? that time with an older one in pre-school helps, you cna get a bit of sleep when baby naps if need be.

i used slings, co-slept.

i didnt get pnd with no 1,2 and 3 but i did get pnp with no 4 and had a nightmare year. but i got better and then had no 5! and all went fine, dd has fitted in brilliantly and is a delight, not a great sleeper but copable with an di was very aware of how i felt and my midwife and hv kept an eye on me as they knew i had problems after ds4.

the fact that you are going into another one iwth yours eyes wide open helps i think if it is terribel you know you have done it once and survived! you are more aware and more relaxed generally and you may get lucky and have one that sleeps much better. no two babies are the same and each one of mine has thrown me a new curve balll! but its been fine. i think your attitude going into it helps a lot, i have always ackowldeged that the first year is giong to be hard and so enjoyed the times hwen it was not so hard and on the whole have always been pleasantly suprised that it was not as bad as i feared!

mothers help, pre-school all good, also homestart you would be entitled two, its just a few hours once a week but its an adult so adult company and an extra pair of hands.

are there any nice mum and baby/toddler groups near you? if you find a nice one they are brilliant. getting out and about always helps.

noble I can't picture DS being an only child either. I know exactly what you mean.

Metal I've also struggled with motherhood - a lot. I could have written this: 'I'm terrified that if we have another I will regret not sticking with one and history will repeat itself.' Unfortunately we can't leave it much longer to start TTC: I'll be 35 next year and DH is almost 45

5mad I think I remember you from the 'sleep nightmares' threads. In awe of anyone that manages with two, let alone 5!

count Two of my friends have had someone to come and help from 5-7 - she works in a local nursery and I don't think it's a very expensive arrangement, and both friends say it's absolutely invaluable. Obviously, if can afford.

yes i was on there with my dd! i remember you, dd is now 22mths and other than a phase of night terrors and teething recently she is really good on the whole :) oh and we went away and that screwed up her sleep and i had to go back to laying with her till she fell asleep but did gradual withdrawl again and she is ok now, still in our bed, but other than an odd dummy hunt some nights she is great :)

life with 5 can be crazy but its great, i wouldnt change it for the world :)

she is 20mths not 22mths! will be 2 in december.

6 month old

I'm happy to the new born it but not the older bit if that helps

I didn't think I would have a second non sleeper and we're having to use savings so the children go to nursery two afternoon's a week. DS 10 months, DD 2.5. There better not be another!

Great idea ohgood, that's def worth looking into.

Glad your DD's doing well, 5mad. DS still doesn't self-settle - I feed him to sleep . Tandem feeding is a whole other factor in deciding if/when to have #2!

Do you need to have one NOW? Why not wait a year or so... It won't make much difference to how close they are or your fertility but your first one will prob be sleeping through reliably by then and easier to self entertain...

Hmmm. I waited 8 years..... I hated the baby stage!!!!!

well i tandem fed no 2 and 3 and then no 3 and no 4. it was fine actually, not something i planned on doing, just happened that way.

self settling was somehting dd started doing on her own adn then we had a few steps forwards/backwards. there was no quick fix, as with my others, she has just gradually got better.#

have you tried the pantley pull of with a plan for getting him to go to sleep without the breast being in his mouth. my elder three all fed to sleep and it was a very gradual process that htey went to sleep after a feed but not with boob in mouth! if you are happy with it it isnt an issue and he may well just grow out of it gradually, mine did but with a bit of encouragement, i laying next to them and patting them, shusshing them when they were very sleepy ie they ahd fallen asleep, boob slipped otu and then they stirred as i tried to move away so i tried to settle them without, i could tell fairly quickly if this would work and i never battled with it, if it wasnt going to work i fed them, but i did try and they gradually got better.

dd has a dummy! and her cuddly lamb, that lamb is the bane of my life it has to go everywhere and i am paranoid of losing it! we have a spare but it is not as acceptable at all and of course its a bloody steiff lamb so expensive, of all the cuddlies for her to fall in love with she chooses the expensive, limited edition one!

Wiggle Ideally we would hang on a bit longer, but I'm 34 and DH is nearly 45 so we can't really afford to leave it much later.

5mad I don't mind really. It's mostly easy and I like the cuddles. He's not fed at night since 18 mo or so, which makes things easier, though he expects to snuggle in our bed instead if he wakes in the night He's always needed either physical contact or motion to fall asleep, though the childminder tells me he just dozes off in a chair when he gets tired

Lol at DD and her expensive Steiff lamb, BTW. At least she has good taste

well the not feeding in the night is good, one feed at bedtime is fine, my ds2 did that when i had ds3 and it just meant jiggling bedtime i would settle him and then settle baby, dito with ds3 and ds4.

and ds4 often co-slept with me and dd, we had him in a toddler bed in our room and when he woke he would just crawl into bed with us and dd, he did that until her 3 and a half ish and then slept through in his own room tho on the odd occasion i have to re-settle him as he has had a bad dream, fallen out of bed etc.

lol at him sleeping for the childminder, my ds1 never napped for us but did at nursery! and you could keep using the childminder so that is a bit of a break as well when you have another.

yes she has good taste! but lamby is grotty looking and grubby i need to wash it but when i mention doing so lamby is clung onto with a look of horrified concern! i am hoping she will accept the spare whilst lamby has a wash!

I'm 18 weeks pregnant

Congratulations on your new (and I'm sure to-be-really-easy) baby noblegiraffe and (for after the birth of course)

Can I suggest Georg, or even Cantor, as a name, in recognition of your patience and ability to explain set theory, via mumsnet, to even the most frazzled and maths phobic mums who are trying to do their 11year olds homework.