I want another child but not sure I want another baby.

[CountBapula]

DS is 2 next month and DH and I have started talking about TTC DC2 in the New Year. I've always wanted to have two kids and DH feels the same.

DS is gorgeous and l love him with all my heart but he was a very high-maintenance baby. Screamed for hours on end, fought naps until he ended up an overtired mess, woke every hour or two through the night until he was 8 or 9 months old. Still doesn't reliably sleep through now. I ended up with depression because of the constant crying and lack of sleep - DS's first year was one of the hardest of my life :(

Things are better now and DS has blossomed into a lovely, bright, sunny toddler but I still feel like we're in survival mode a lot of the time due to lack of sleep and time on our own together. Not even sure how we'll manage to conceive DC2 in our permanently knackered, slightly grumpy state

Despite all this, I really want another child and don't yet feel our family is complete. But I coped so badly with DS's babyhood that I'm terrified of going through it again. What if DC2 is just as tricky, but I have a pre-schooler to deal with too?

Part of me thinks we have to grit our teeth and get on with it - it's not that I want another cute, pink baby, it's more that I want another person in our family to keep DS company and grow up with him, etc. But I'm scared I won't cope with the baby stage and that I'll geDt depressed again.

Has anyone else had a tough time with DC1 and gone on to have another? Any words of wisdom?

washing comforters is hard! especially without a tumble dryer.

I'm ashamed that DD takes her to nursery (normally only has it for sleep but while she is settling in).

two hasn't been as bad as I expected. Day to day stuff is fine, what's hard is the relentless of it, it's harder to get breaks so if you can be organised before hand in that regard. Saving for childminder/cleaner. Clear communication with partner is vital as if you slip too far then starting the ball rolling to work out what you need to help you recover is huge. I was at a stage where I turned down offers for people to have DCs for an hour because I thought, what was the point, I couldn't sleep DH knows when I'm struggling, he picks all the slack in housework and even now does more than me. I don't have breaks just so I can do housework, I split it 50:50 into jobs/complete me time. Going out for 10 min walks was great. DH had to virtually kick me out the door sometimes but I would commit myself to walking and it helped clear my head. I was able to switch off in a way I can't do if in the house and doing nothing (because I feel like I should be doing something). Then when I was able to run I would do the walks in my running gear, if I felt able/wanting to run then I did but I didn't commit to it before hand.

Now DS does 4 hours at the start of the night I can go out to the climbing wall one night a week. DH goes to the cinema as he's not a fitness person. When I need more sleep then DH sleeps with DS and brings him through for his feeds and takes him away again. He gets up before I do and has them from 6-7:30, gets them dressed and fed.

I moved here when I was 8 months pg and family are at least 2 hours away. DS feeds 2-3 hourly after his first stretch and is no where self settling but we're moving in the right direction. DD slept through after DS was born, although often wakes up at least once.

we have a tumble dryer but the instructions say no tumble drying :( i had to to google steiff care instructions, 30 deg in a pillow int eh washing machine apparently, i need a sunny day so then i can put it outside to dry!

climbing is right, be organised, communicate well with your partner, have realistic expectations and take a break when you need it!

Oh I feel your pain. DS1 did not sleep ever, and was often clingy and whingey during the day as a result.

In the early days of DS2 I wondered what the actual fuck I'd been thinking. I had forgotten how torturing it is on no sleep, crazy hormones, etc. But it was ok and now he is 16m and walking and talking and actually a proper person...

But your thread title is my thoughts completely. We have always wanted three and are ttc#3 but I'm resigned to another 24-36m of discomfort and isolation (inc the pgy) and sobriety etc. If adoption were easier I'd be seriously looking at that route instead.

Babies are hard. But they are babies for a very short time really, is what I keep telling myself. I want another person at the dinner table etc and if I have to endure pgy and baby stage again to achieve that then so be it.

Oh and we co-slept with dc2 from quite young which meant lots more sleep than having to stay awake for the feed then resettle him. I scarcely even wake up for night feeds.

'I want another person at the dinner table etc and if I have to endure pgy and baby stage again to achieve that then so be it.'

This will be my mantra :)

And thinking similar things re co-sleeping from the start. I used to get up with DS, take him into another room and put the radio on for night feeds Idiotic. I could have been feeding him in my sleep!

Oh, thanks, Suocera! I've wondered how your DS has been getting on at that awful school and whether you went for the Internet option.

I am very much hoping that the baby will be easy. At least this time round I know that these things do pass.

Don't worry about "still" feeding to sleep - I still feed DS to sleep on occasion and he's nearly 4! He's in the process of self weaning now. You probably are in tandem feeding territory with his age now but if you're hoping to wait until he's nearer three then you might well find that he self weans in pregnancy when your milk dries up anyway. Two of my friends have recently had #2 and have tandem fed but their children were age 2 or under when #2 born.

If you think you might be prone to depression then remember there are support services you can access pre-emptively too.

Also think it's easier if you go with the flow with co sleeping, not attempting much of a routine etc. And some babies are just happy in themselves and quite easily fit around you. Hopefully the odds are if you had a screamy/unsettled one before then this one should be an angel

CountBapula I was in exactly the same position as you about 2 yrs ago. DS1 was a very VERY difficult, grumpy, high needs, fractious baby. He was infamous on here for all the threads I started about him looking for advice on how to cheer him up . He was just such hard work and HE didn't enjoy being a baby which made it impossible for me to enjoy him at all. I became withdrawn and depressed. I couldn't go anywhere, I was housebound with him as he screamed in the pushchair and carseat. It was horrible.

Of course he grew up and thankfully became wonderful. He was never a difficult toddler from around 18 months, he just became amazing once he could talk. Around the time of him being 2.5 we started to realise we wanted another child.

We didn't want DS to be an only child and I didn't feel like our family was 'finished' yet. I wanted him to have at least one sibling but I hated the thought of going through the first 18 months again. Everyone tried to reassure me and tell me no two babies are the same and it would all be so much easier next time round. Hmmmmm.

Well after about a year of discussions we decided to go for it and when DS was 4yrs old DS2 was born. DS2 is 8 months old now and I have to be honest with you and tell you that it's been horrendous at times. DS2 is EXACTLY the same as DS1. He only naps for 30 mins at a time just as DS1 did and even that's only after a lot of crying and soothing, holding him to me while he goes to sleep. He is whingy and miserable a lot of the time. He is just HARD work. So much for not getting two babies the same!

BUT... I have to be honest and say that he could be the most placid angel and I still don't think I would enjoy this stage either. The baby bit for me is just not enjoyable. It is very much something that I just have to get my head down and grit my teeth to get through. I find it very difficult and frustrating to be around babies, especially when they do cry a lot. However this time I do have the knowledge that it will get better and DS1 adores his brother already. I love having the two of them and the truth is that however difficult it is DS2 has completed our family. I am starting to see little glimmers of the boy he could become and I love him, I just don't really enjoy him yet.

I think if you want another child then you should go for it. They are only babies for such a short time. Even though it feels like forever when you're going through it! Good luck whatever you decide.

Very reassuring, Bertie, thank you. And good point about routines etc. I drove myself nuts trying to get DS to do things I thought he 'should' be doing and it just stressed everyone out. I'd definitely go with the flow more next time.

DS has been an utter joy today. It's almost like he knows...

Oh, thanks, Suocera! I've wondered how your DS has been getting on at that awful school and whether you went for the Internet option.

He starts at InterHigh this september . I risked being hung drawn and quartered by the Italian state (according to the school director) but pulled him out anyway after Xmas becuase....well it was that or burn the school down. They left us alone despite all the previous threats of awful legal consequences. He's maintaining a 99% average on conquer maths for KS3 so things seem ok.

I am very much hoping that the baby will be easy. At least this time round I know that these things do pass.

And you will have a "new baby" head to sniff ! And that funny little baby bird head wriggle ..when they are snuffling around for something to latch onto. Ahhhhh!

I am so chuffed for you love

Oh, I'm so pleased your son hasn't spent all year doing dictation and abstract pure maths! Hope the Internet school goes well, it looked really good from the website.

You are right, I need to think of all the cute baby bits that will definitely happen and forget all the sleep-deprived hellish bits that might not. I'm off to look back through my baby photos. Thanks :)

ahhh, baby pictures!

It's hard to believe they begin that small, isn't it ? You are going to get all those sleepy, milky smiles again. Oh and the first giggles! Heart melting.

I'm really looking forward to Monday when he starts school. It's like a wieght is lifted off me, no more arguing with the school director who sees me as a Tower of London sized thorn in his side, and no more panic that my efforts at HE will end up with an academic disadvantage. Yay!

I also felt this way. I hated the baby stage, ended up with PND and couldn't even countenance doing it again. In fact I was really adamant that I wouldn't have another baby and unbalance dc1's life since she had finally turned into a happy, bright, independent child instead of a whinging, crying bag of noise. I waited until dd was 4 in the end before conceiving ds (I was lucky I suppose in that I was only 25 when I got pregnant with dc1). It meant that dd was then at school and was more able to understand the impact of the baby and then I could have time alone with dc2 during the day and a break from dd I suppose if it was all overwhelming.

Turns out of course that ds isn't dd at all. He slept through from a few weeks old, feeds efficiently and has slotted right in. He turns 1 on Monday and the year has flown by. You know what, I've even enjoyed it. Immensely.

I decided very early on that you know what, I'll just get through it. Get the baby bit done. And so I coslept, carried him in the sling constantly, just did everything normally if I could, just with a baby attached. Hand on heart, I've found having 2 easier than having 1.

It's so hard making that decision. And you feel almost guilty that unlike first time round you're approaching even thinking about ttc with trepidation. Don't though. It's not fear, it's knowledge. Plus, expecting the worst- for me at least- led to a very pleasant surprise.

Tyrion thanks, that's very reassuring.

noblegiraffe all the best with DC2!

Count I think I remember you from some of the sleep threads when DS was a baby - I have a DD the same age and when she was a baby she fought naps for all she was worth. I also had PND. I found the first 6 months awful. Just awful.

Thins are better now and I love my DD with all my heart. But there are times I do still find it very hard and we are going through a sleeping blip and I don't cope well with lack of sleep.

I never envisaged us having one child. But I just don't know if I can/should do it again. If I could be presented with a 6 month old I may give it a shot. But, christ, the thought of taking a newborn home when I have my DD to deal with too, well it just brings me out in a cold sweat.

Oh i just don't know, I could go back and forth on this all day!

My DS1 (who is now 4.5yo) was a high maintenance baby, high maintenance toddler and remains high maintenance even now. When DS2 came along (now almost 2yo), I for the first time felt a true joy of motherhood. It also softened DS1 a little - he can be harsh with others but normally very tender around DS2. So, having DS2 turned out the best idea ever!