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Parenting

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teenage dope head

27 replies

expectmiracles · 21/08/2012 21:18

my DS is turning into a total stoner. He's forbidden from smoking in or around the house but he's always stoned. I never give him any money . He does have a part time job . He's looking more and more ill as the summer goes on and he's less and less motivated to do anything but hang out with his mates and presumably get stoned ... I have talked with him so much about it. I am starting to feel very angry and pissed off at his total lack of self care. Do I hope its a phase he will grow out of ?

OP posts:
ConstantCraving · 21/08/2012 21:42

Hi, we went through this with my DS. He started when he was about 14 and stayed on it til he was about 18. Despite this he managed to get decent GCSE's and A-Levels. We would not tolerate drugs or smoking at home - but knew he was smoking with friends. He also got very moody, demotivated and angry. At one low point he was arrested for buying cannabis, and got a warning (1st and only offence). We were very lucky in that he just seemed to grow out of it. He was off the dope for about 10 days when we went abroad and realised at the end of the holiday that he felt much better, had more energy etc. He didn't just stop, but he cut down and realised there was more to life. He went off to Uni at 19 and turned a corner. Now 24 he's finishing his MSc and I'm very proud of him. No real advice there on how to handle it I'm afraid. My approach was I not to condone it - but to be available to talk to as I didn't want it to be a taboo subject. I don't think going OTT with him would have achieved anything but encourage his use. If its any consolation 90% of his friends have also moved on and are pretty sensible nowadays. Good luck.

NellyJob · 21/08/2012 21:46

my son has also started smoking weed. What worries me is the 10% who do not move on....
how old is your son?
have you talked to him about the dangers of strong weed?
We have an excellent counsellor who comes and talks to him about it, which is good.

expectmiracles · 21/08/2012 22:06

Good to hear that there's possible light at the end of the tunnel. I'm worried because he had attention deficit problems when he was younger which I think have given him low self esteem and I worry that now he's self medicating. Ironically I thought he had turned a corner because for a while he was funny and pleasant , now I realise he was just stoned ! He's 16

OP posts:
NellyJob · 21/08/2012 22:38

I don't think we can just ask them to stop, because that's not going to happen.
But is essential they know the difference between the really stinky stuff and 'old school' weed, and the dangers of the former. I go on and on about it. what is going around these days is scary. Have you heard of 'chronic', even stronger than skunk?

Rockchick1984 · 22/08/2012 01:10

From about age 16 to around 25 I was a total stoner! Yet I managed to get good A levels, held down difficult jobs (management, then retail banking) despite spending practically every evening and most days more than a little doped! As long as its not affecting him in his day to say life, and he's not getting into debt, the easiest thing is just not to condone it.

I started to grow out of it eventually, then when I got involved with (now) DH who wasn't interested in it I just stopped. Most of my friends had already quit a long time before. I'm now a mum, and would suprise the majority of my friends if they knew about my old habit :)

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 01:24

yes but rockchick the new strains are becoming stronger and stronger, sometimes they have groundup glass sprinkled on them to make them look more authentic and weigh more. also people are starting younger and it is affecting brain development.
so even speaking as an experienced smoker myself, I think it's dangerous and addictive.

matana · 22/08/2012 08:14

I think in most cases, most people grow out of it. I started smoking at about the same age, although i gave up about 6 months before taking my A levels because i was well enough informed about its long term use to know that it affects short term memory very badly and it wasn't a riski was prepared to take. My parents knew nothing. When i started smoking, my friends and i used to smoke it during lunchtime and i'd even go to classes stoned. I got 2 As, a B and a C for A levels and went to Uni. I did smoke the stronger strains, and took other drugs, while i was there. Tbh my smoking probably did get out of hand while i was there, but i still managed to get a good degree from a good university. When i joined the working world i continued for a while but then just grew out of it. One day, i realised that i didn't enjoy it any more - i couldn't join in conversations like i used to when stoned because i was too paranoid that people would laugh at me about my opinion. Instead of making me feel happy, i went into myself and became very introspective when i was smoking. I began to understand where my personal boundaries lay and cut down, until i stopped altogether. It just wasn't 'me' any more.

Out of all the friends i went to uni with, only one still smokes. All obtained good degrees (and we were probably the biggest stoners on campus) and now hold down excellent jobs. One is a lawyer. I have a good job with the police and have a 21 mo DS.

In most cases, recreational drug use does not equal a life of crime, drug dependency and under-achievement. That said, it's very much dependent on the type of personality, the group of peers who are also doing it, and the desire to achieve so it doesn't always follow. If your DS is determined to smoke it, and you have already spoken to him and told him you you don't want him to, the best thing you can do is ensure you're fully informed about it and illustrate to him the scientifically proven risks so that one day he can make up his own mind about whether it's worth it. Talk to people who have smoked about the effects, good and bad, so it's not just you saying "I've read in the newspapers" which most teenagers will sniff at in a "what do they know?" kind of way. You don't have to speak to him in a preachy way. Perhaps he has an ambition in life that you can draw attention to in a "be careful you don't jeopardise that ambition" kind of a way....

Good luck.

matana · 22/08/2012 08:23

Oh, and if you haven't done so already, check out talktofrank.com which gives you the warts and all effects of an A-Z of drugs in a teenage-friendly way, including the terminology used so you can watch out for conversations about other drugs and be more tuned in to slang. I informed myself via this website when i was taking drugs.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 08:58

Talk to people who have smoked about the effects, good and bad, so it's not just you saying "I've read in the newspapers" which most teenagers will sniff at in a "what do they know?" kind of way
is having a degree that makes you so patronising?
my information is not what i have 'read in the newspapers', it's based on experience and fact.
many people smoke for while and give up, others become addicted losers, degree or not.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:00

as for 'talk to frank' - I am sure I could give him a run for his money.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:05

also, (sorry your attitude has rattled me as a parent) I am talking about a 13 year old in a pupil referral unit, whose brain is still forming, not a comfortably off 18 year old on their way to uni.

FallenCaryatid · 22/08/2012 09:06

Nelly, matana's advising the OP and talking about her teenager, not you.
Does smoking dope make you paranoid and aggressive? Teenagers can be very dismissive of advice from adults, especially relatives and the Frank website is highly recommended and informative and draws on a lot of different sources to give advice.

matana · 22/08/2012 09:15

many people smoke for while and give up, others become addicted losers

Um, isn't that what i have ultimately said? Why so defensive Nelly? You yourself have portrayed yourself as some kind of drugs tzar. I don't think i have the monopoly on 'patronising'.

You have used your personal experience to respond to the OP (though i can't actually see from your posts what advice you have offered) and so have i. It's beyond me why you have taken my advice (to the OP) based on my own experience so personally. The OP asked Do I hope its a phase he will grow out of ? and i have responded in a balanced and non-alarmist way and attempted to give some advice. That is all. The fact that you have chosen to take exception to it says more about you than it does about me.

matana · 22/08/2012 09:18

not a comfortably off 18 year old on their way to uni

Grin I put myself through uni, my dad had been bankrupted and re-mortgaged the family home.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:19

oh sorry I have the same problem with my teenager, as I mentioned, so I thought that was part of the discussion too.
I just found saying so it's not just you saying "I've read in the newspapers a bit presumptive.
I offered the suggestion of a drugs counsellor like my son has.
i just found your post mantana a bit irritating, sorry.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:20

and no fallencaryatied I do not smoke dope at my time of life.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:21

good for you mantana, really, but you obviously come from a stable background.

Maryz · 22/08/2012 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FallenCaryatid · 22/08/2012 09:24

So NellyJob, are you a hep young cat who is down with the teenz?
You've never had any of your children roll their eyes and say 'muuumm' because you are, like, so old and just don't get it? Grin
I agree that dope now is a very different prospect to the stuff that was around in the 70s.

Maryz · 22/08/2012 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:31

So NellyJob, are you a hep young cat who is down with the teen
I just told you I do not smoke, so why are you saying that? cheap laugh?
no, I just talk to my children about these things, something wrong with that?

matana · 22/08/2012 09:31

Ahh, i see. So it's my 'stable' background that irks you. Sorry about that. Still, at least i came out the other side OK.

Fwiw, I stated i began smoking at 16 when i was still at school. I started smoking after the death of two close family members, my father's alcoholism and my best friend moving overseas. Does it make me more credible to have a troubled past?

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 09:34

whatever

matana · 22/08/2012 09:37

lol, was that a "talk to the hand"?

Good luck with your son. And you, OP. Sincerely. Smile

FallenCaryatid · 22/08/2012 10:01

'I just told you I do not smoke, so why are you saying that? cheap laugh?
no, I just talk to my children about these things, something wrong with that?'