Gender of third child

[Alfiepants]

I feel guilty for posting this but here goes... I have 2 gorgeous boys under 2 and still I can't get the idea of completing our family with a girl. I wouldn't change my boys for the world and I was never disappointed of their gender but I can't help feeling that it won't be complete without a little girl to share that mother daughter bond in time. Obviously nature might have othe ideas and I can't decide whether we try again in a year or so or count the blessings we have. Any thoughts?

Not only on MN but I've seen it in RL and a friend of my mum's has a 13yo son, 10yo son and a 2yo son and she did admit she was a bit disappointed that the third was another boy....what a way to be brought into the world. I can see there are so many who are treated like this because they were not the desired gender. I feel sorry for those like your DH Fuzzymum1.

Have three if you really want three. I have 2 DS and we always said we would have 3/4. I would love a DD but would also love another DS. See how you feel in a year. I was adament that I had finished having children (only a 15 month age gap between DS1 and DS2) but now DS2 is 2 years old, I am really broody and want another DC (boy or girl)

I used to work with someone who had FIVE daughters. How far would you go in your quest for a child of a different sex?

I have three DSs. I initially imagined DC3 as a boy ( I think because I knew no different) but whilst pregnant thought a girl may be nice. However, no disappointment at all about having another boy. If you can go into it with that attitude, then that's fine but if you'll be upset, then I don't think you should try for DC3.

coffeeandwine your comment about the five daughters has made me laugh. I've also seen similar scenarios around here where it's quite obvious they were not wanting five children, but a mix of both genders and not for the want of trying (we're not daft!). I think it's fair enough for those wealthy enough to keep on trying, but most people can really only afford 1 or 2 children as the cost of living is just rising all the time.

One HV I was speaking to last year said that those who go on to have three find they cannot handle it and wished they'd stopped at two children. Apparently many find it was a good idea at the time, but then regret it.

What, all of them lovechoc ? That seems a little unlikely! 3 children is not especially uncommon or difficult to handle (mine are 6, 4 and 15 months :) )

I'm sure some people do actually want five children, regardless of gender.

Wish I could say I'm exaggerating but sadly not so...HV said she's met so many couples who thought having three was such a good idea but when she visits them it's quite plain that many couples just cannot cope with the demands of three children. It is probably not something many would openly talk about though on a discussion forum, or even with friends. It is naive to think that those who always plan three children genuinely feel it's a breeze and easy going and do not have any regrets. I am sure many wish they'd stopped at two. Not just because of the day to day pressures of coping with three children, but also the financial demands that it entails.

Well I wanted 3 girls. Or failing that, 2 girls and then a boy. I didn't want a girl then a boy, because that was the family I grew up in, and the boy was very much doted on to the exclusion of all else. My mother also grew up in that family dynamic and had a precious little golden brother too

So we had girl, then boy. We knew DC2 was a boy from the 32 week scan so had already planned DC3 before I'd given birth. Everyone told us we didn't need any more children because we had the Perfect Family. I disagreed.

DC3 was a boy. We thought we'd have one last try for DD2 and ended up instead with DS3. Many many years later we had DC5 and by this time we were so used to being a family of boys we expected - and wanted - another boy. So we got DD2.

DD1 was a nightmare until she was 11, then left home at 17 :( The so-called mother-daughter bond does not exist. Neither does the father-daughter bond :( She keeps in touch rarely and isn't that bothered whether she sees us or not. I see my mum far more often than I see my DD. (Mum lives about 20 miles away, DD about 2 miles).

DS2 has a very strong family bond If any of them provide GC it will be him.

I think the moral of this very long tale is have a 3rd if you want a 3rd child. Do not try for a girl if you would not entertain the thought of having a boy, or if you think it will upset the family dynamics. Do not expect a girl to provide some mythical bond. She may well do so, but equally well she may not. BTW 3 boys is ace

We have had a dc 2 girl after a boy and she is still young but part of me mourns not being the mum of two boys as is just have found my ds such a delight....I mean I am delighted to have a dd but honestly each gender has its own charms and I see far more issues with mothers and daughters, having taught in an all girls school than mother sons....huge generalization but these little babies grow up and I think the mother daughter bond is a bit of a myth frankly.

lovechoc I have just realised I have had a debate with you about whether having more than 1 child is always some kind of horrible pit of misery or not before, so I will not get into it again (but it is absolute rubbish to say it is miserable/ a horrible mistake for everyone just as it is rubbish to say it is idyllic for everyone, it is the luck of the draw with the personality mix of parents and children you get and all sorts of other factors).

The families in most contact with a health visitor will not be a representative sample, they will be the ones having problems of one sort or another, by the time they get to the 3rd child families who are having a smooth ride probably have very little or no contact with health visitors... We live abroad so don't have the same system, but after the very first newborn weeks are past contact with health visitors is largely optional or happens if you need help, I believe? If 3 was always a mistake families would not go on to have 4, 5, or 6 planned children, but some do :)

Absolutely, EnglishWoman. I mean, I know many larger families - beyond 3 children - who are delighted with their lot and I know a few families with one child who struggle with the demands that child brings.

It just simply depends. There are so many different factors to evaluate.

I have 3 dc and one on the way. I find one of my dcs very difficult and defiant. My other two are very easy going in comparison.

As for the mother-daughter bond, that again just depends on the personalities / circumstances involved. Surely mother-son and ultimately mother/father-child is just as important?

I think gender preference however can be a real problem and shouldn't be dismissed as a case of women being spoiled or not recognising the value of what they have.

Why do some people really think they prefer one gender over another? Before you have a baby - any baby whether it's first or last - you can't know whatthat child and the dynamic that comes with that child is going to be like, so how can a preference be based in reality? It's not. Thus the supposed preference is based on something else and its definitely a case by case scenario.

I understand how irrational this makes me. Had no gender preference for dc1 (boy), dc2 (girl) but a strong gender preference for dc3; when I pictured a third it was always a girl but thought that would disappear as the pg progressed but actually my desire for a girl grew stronger. Dc3 is a boy.

I do know why, though they are such daft reasons: wanted dd to have a close sisterly bond that in my head I've probably idealised, as I've a brother I am not close to and my mother died when I was a girl; I'd had a rough time both giving birth/with ds as baby that lead to pnd, dd was/is an easy-going dream (teenage years will no doubt invalidate that claim) and I had all these lovely clothes that dd had recently grown out of that I could use again. Ours is quite a male dominated household and dd is such a girly girl that it's been surprising what an impact she's had on our lives.

It was the only pg we found out the sex was going to be and I will admit to being really upset - which is madness given the 50/50 odds. Can even remember looking at dc3 as a nb and thinking I do so love you but I wish you were a girl. And then I gave myelf a real boot up the arse as that was completely unfair on dc3. Shortly after my marriage suddenly ended & life got messy so that gender preference seems now such a silly indulgence, especially when some people long for a child or long for a healthy child and I have been blessed.

Are they such daft reasons though? I mean, they represent YOUR experiences and, inevitably, they will shape opinions, desires and preferences.

It's not necessarily healthy or right especially if the gender preference is expressed to the child in question. But none of us can necessarily separate our experiences from what will be reality e.g. Your ds2's birth will not necessarily result in you having PND and your dd may well end up being a tricky character aged 8 instead of 13 etc.

For normally a rational being I was taken aback by how strong my desire was for another girl and it got in the way of all the logical things I was telling myself. Maybe daft was the wrong word, but indulgent yes but thanks WW for the generous words.

I had two boys and then practised safe sex just around ovulation time for 5 years before falling pregnant with a girl. Apparently girl sperms are slower but live longer so if you have sex at ovulation time its more likely to be a speedy boy sperm who gets the egg first . If you avoid the week around ovulation it may take longer to conceive but more likely to be a girl

I have 2 boys but always pictured at least 1 daughter. I thought I might want I try again after DS2 but now he is here I am thrilled to bits to have a single gendered family and can see loads of benefits. I don't think I'd have a third now even if someone could guarantee that it would be a girl - I wouldn't want to spoil the dynamic we have.

I love my boys to bits and think there is something wonderful about giving my eldest son a brother. My DH is one of two boys and has a great relationship with his and both are really close to their parents so I'm not unnecessarily concerned about that.

2 of my 3 boys were conceived on ovulation days. I'm obviously just made to have boys!
I had more involvement with a HV and GP during the 1st year of ds3's life and that was definately down to me struggling to cope with 3...but I had 3 under 3's and am now having more 'I love having 3 children' moments. I would hope that nobody would interpret my struggles as meaning I regret having 3.

This is really interesting. I have two boys, I really wanted my second to be a girl, and sometimes have a little pang about not having a daughter.

But, my youngest is now 2 and I'm more than happy with my boys. We're debating whether to go for number three and whenever I think about it I assume it would be another boy.

I'm absolutely happy to have another boy, but I wouldn't always have been. So it's only now I am that I can consider another baby - does that make sense?

I always pictured a boy and a girl in my family but I think that's because of the perfect family stereotype that's everywhere. It makes me mad now when I see it! I keep thinking about mums like Sarah Beeney with her 4 boys, and a lovely article she wrote about how she honestly wanted boys and a 4th baby rather than trying for a girl. I would love a girl but am starting to find the 'trying for a girl/boy' thing quite insulting, especially when I hear GP's who say 'oooh I got my girl/boy now!' when they have a grandchild.

"One HV I was speaking to last year said that those who go on to have three find they cannot handle it and wished they'd stopped at two children"

lovechoc If a HV made a sweeping generalisation like that, I would report her. You have presented it as a statement of fact when it is not. Some parents will find 3 DC overwhelming. Others feel utterly at ease with seven.

lovechoc, I know a number of families with 3 or more children who show no signs of feeling overwhelmed about having more than 2 children.

I would guess that this HV sees a disproportionate number of families with 3 DC's that are struggling - perhaps because the parents struggling to cope with 3 DC's are more likely to seek help from the HV - and has assumed that therefore most parents with 3 DCs can't cope.

OP, I agree that it's best to only have a third child if you'd be happy to have either a boy or a girl, given that you can't control which you have.

I have never regretted my dc3 loved having 3, now I'm pg with no4, people also couldn't understand why I had no3 when I already had 1 of each.

Fuzzymum my dh is also ds3 of 4 ds's but there is 5 years between him and the yougest, so we are all too aware of middle child syndrome in our house.

My own mother wishes she has a granddaughter but is having to accept she won't be getting one from me! That's up to DB to get himself a girlfriend and see how things go from there...it certainly won't be from me! I'm quitting whilst I'm ahead, at 5yo and 2yo I feel I'm just getting my life back and past all that baby stage stuff. Each to their own, for those who have the patience to do it over and over again.

Also a huge factor for me more than anything else is the worry of miscarriage. I just couldn't go through that all again (or risk the chance of it happening again - happened between DC1 and DC2.).

It's funny as I am the Mum to 2 boys and have found out that baby no 3 is a girl. I am terrified of having a girl as I have a really fraught relationship with my own mother and can't help feeling that history will repeat itself.
I would have felt so much more at ease if I was expecting another boy.
Sorry, but I really don't believe all that mother/daughter special bond rubbish and can't understand the "need" to have a girl.

It is odd. I have ds1 and ds2. Decided to go for dc3. We didn't find out the sex but convinced ourselves it was a boy. Completely adamant.

Of course it was a girl! And it took me quite a while to come to terms with it. It doesn't help that my family was also bbg and I didn't enjoy being the youngest and only girl.

I've now realised though that I will never allow my ds's to bully dd like my brothers did to me and I will hopefully build a much better relationship with her than I have with my mum.

I suppose like others have said, go for it to have a child but things are not always as they seem!

lovechoc your posts are idiotic and quite frankly scaremongering.