Don't be all pc on me!

[goatscanlaugh]

Ok I (think) I namechanged.

My son is 4. His dad died when he was a baby and my inlaws are shit busy and so have very little contact. Although he has no memories of his dad, he was very affected by his dads death and still needs help with this.

Basically all he wants to do is play with 'girls' toys. 'My little Pony', Princess stuff, etc. Anything pink and he's all over it. That in itself doesn't bother me but I'm sick to the back teeth with my inlaws and my family telling me that I should be discouraging it. Yea good luck with that! I have bought him plenty of 'girls toys' and pyjamas/socks and would only discourage him from wearing them out in public as I don't want him laughed at.

He has told me that he wants to be a girl. (Yea I know he's four! I'm not exactly running to the sex change clinic yet!) He has no male adult playing a role in his life apart from my dad who is in his 80's. I'm very much fighting against the tide with this. I don't agree with suppressing anything in a child but don't want to provide ammo for trouble in school next year.

Please understand unlike my inlaws I don't think he will end up gay as a result of playing with a doll (Oh the horror!!! lol) Actually I don't give a shit as long as he is a happy and healthy adult.

I just want to know if any other parent out there recognises this behaviour. Is it a stage? Is it a potential sign of a gender identity disorder? aghhhh I don't know what I'm asking really!

Oh don't want to post and run but I'll be in work all day tomorrow!

I'd say you're doing a great job and just keep going. When I was his age, I was a total tomboy as a result of growing up with three male cousins. At that age I would constantly tell my parents I wanted to be a boy and I'm sure I would have become one if I could! I'm now a straight woman and I enjoyed my childhood very much. It sounds like you are doing the best thing for your son. Don't worry!

I have a 2 1/2 yr old who loves wearing his sister's princess costumes and spinning around saying "I'm a pretty girl". He sometimes likes to wear some lipgloss too. He also likes being a puppy and a tiger and a robot. Read into this what you will!

My eldest Ds (now 11) had a buggy with baby twins and lots of 'girl' toys but denies it all now, despite photos!

Up til I was around 10 I was adamant I was a boy. I remember saying I will cut boobs off if I grow them

I wore boys clothes and played with boys toys.

I am still female now 11 years on.

My ds (3.5) loves dressing up as a princess and playing with dolls. He is addicted to all things vehicle and is always in the middle of the rough and tumble with the other boys, but really likes wearing his sister´s old dresses and goes to nursery in a tiara most days.

He has seen my brother-in-law carrying his baby (ds´s cousin) in a sling and cuddling and feeding him. Of course he realises that it´s a man´s thing to look after babies and he looks after his dolls really well. DD does keep reminding him that SHE can breastfeed her dolls, but boys CAN´T! Poor DS. I don´t quite know what to say to that one. I usually say something about how dads cuddle babies and that´s just as special.

When we bought him sandals for the summer, he was determined to have pink ones. I gulped at buying quite pricey pink sandals which I thought we would have to replace as soon as children at nursery started telling him they were for girls. But at nursery the other boys don´t think anything of it. We were once in a shop and another boy said "those are girl´s shoes". DS answered "They´re not. They´re my shoes and I´m a boy, so they´re boys shoes". The other boy replied "Do you like flowers?" (pink sandals also had flowers on them). DS: "Yes". Other boy: "So do I".
We carried on shopping happily.
I hope you will also have as good experiences as I´ve had. I´ve been really surprised by how open-minded small kids are nowadays.
Everyone tells me their son went through the same phase. The oldest boy at ds´s nursery sometimes wears pink "girl´s" t-shirts - he likes pink too (aged 5). None of the kids realise that it was bought in a girl´s section of a shop. Only the adults bother about details like that!
I can see you are keen for your son to have male role models, but I think the playing with girl´s toys and wanting to be a girl is probably a separate issue. Maybe he´ll be lucky and get a male teacher at school fairly soon or otherwise have you got any male friends who would be willing to be a sort of god-parent for him??

Hi,
Ok the days work is done and even the lunch is ready and in the fridge for the morning.

Thanks for your replies. I think that it's completely socially acceptable for girls to be tomboys in our society. The pink stinks campaign practically promotes it- it doesn't seem to work the other way around. He has some interest in trains and loves rough and tumble-however outside of his creche he has little interaction with other children as I am the only child who had a child in my small family unit. In the creche I'm told he gets on well with all the other children but he only talks about being friends with the girls and 'not the boys'.

Other children don't seem to pay too much attention- so far but I worry about his peers remembering his 'pink' stage in the future and teasing him over it. polygon I would love for him to have a male role model but I'm fresh out. Any male in my family/inlaws/work are so uncomfortable with this. Even my doctor told me that I should 'put a stop to that' when my son walked in with a princess doll. . I'm afraid I have little support in that regard.

I honestly think that behind my back I'm being accused of 'wanting him to be a girl' or 'making him gay'.

My biggest problem tonight is that despite needing to wake him at 6.30am, and him being in bed since 7.30pm- He is still awake It's too early in the week for wine.......

My DS3 wasn't quite as girl obsessed as your son but he kept asking for a "boys dress" and liked dolls and pink sparkly things at 4. I bought him a fairy dress (white and sparkly with wings) that he wore to tesco on more than one occasion. I've never had a problem with it and he's outgrown it now (the dress and the phase - I felt that by trying to force him to 'do boy stuff' I was making more of an issue of it than I needed to and TBBH it never bothered me in the slightest. He's now 5.5yo and while he's not a typical boistrous boy he plays more typically boy games than he did.

It sounds to me as if you´ve been quite unlucky actually - with your doctor at least. Ours is really laid back about things like that. I know it´s hard to ignore people criticising but I really think you are right and your parents/parents in law/doctor and anyone else who is getting at you are wrong!
It seems the main problem (except for ds not getting to sleep!) is that you are not supported by any other adults. Well, for what it´s worth, I support you! You seem to be doing it all right. You seem to be interpreting it all in a healthy and sensible way and not making a mountain out of a - well not even a molehill, really. I really think your parents, parents in law and doctor are overreacting and making an issue where there isn´t one. As Fuzzymum said.
Good luck! It isn´t easy being the only one who´s sensible in a crowd of mad people! :)

My almost 7 year old still loves girls stuff - at one stage he'd elbow little girls out of the way to get the heels and pink tutu out of the dress-up box first. He's had nasty comments from children and adults, but we've given him some stock standard come-backs to use (which he thinks is all about being cheeky, so loves being able to use them). We keep reminding him that the colour pink doesn't belong to girls, it belongs to everyone, and since he's started being so assertive when 'challenged', some of the other boys in the class have also 'confessed' to their love of pink. He's been told by adults and kids that he's not allowed to wear dresses, and he retorts with "I can wear whatever I like".

It sounds like you're being sensible - I think that being supportive of their favourite colour/game/toy etc is part of making kids feeling comfortable in their own skin, and getting a bit of flack from others doesn't have to be the end of the world. Keep giving him strategies for dealing with others, and reminding him that we all like different things. You're doing an awesome job. And, don't worry about what other people think of you - he'll pick up on this anxiety - model confidence that your way of doing things is just fine!

I just think that kids aren't as ridiculous as adults. If you think about it what on earth do pink and blue have with being assigned to a particular gender? It is a strange and random practice. As is trousers for boys and skirts for girls (or tiaras). Us adults - we're the strange ones - kids are more open minded and just like stuff because it's nice; and they don't worry about all this societal weirdness that we've become accustomed to thinking is normal.

Man I need the positivity from you guys tonight! My naughty son had his princess dolls taken off him AND his Dora pjs were thrown out!!!!

So far he appears barely aware of anyone judging him, every now and again he asks me if it's ok to play with a certain toy. Obviously I tell him that some people are silly and think that some toys are for all the girls and some toys are for all the boys. He's happy with that. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone with my pink loving son though! neverending I'm curious to know if he is missing a male role model like my son is? I know there's a better way to phrase this but it's been a long day....

In my defence he was very bold and the PJs were getting too small.............. and I did realise that I was getting down to his level by doing it and stepped back........{looks for a shitty parent smiley because I know he wasn't so much as bold as overtired.......realises that I'm being too specific with my smiley quest}.

I want to start a campaign called "pink might stink, but actually some people quite like it." I wish my DS could still wear his skirts or favourite velvet trousers but he feels he can't. Girls can play with anything, wear anything and be anything. It is harder for boys.

I've got a great picture of my DS at a birthday party wearing a purple skirt, pink Hello Kitty t-shirt, roman helmet and holding a sword and shield. It sort of sums my DS up! He is a real mixture - as he should be! Sadly reception is very conformist. I'm hoping that as they get older DS will be able to sneak in some of his more traditionally girly side at school as well as just at home.

It's a shame your doctor doesn't have the same attitude my dad's doctor had 60 years ago when being gay or wanting to be a girl really was openly frowned upon! My nan took him to the doctor for playing with dolls at about the same age as she was 'concerned' he'd be gay. The doctor looked at her, laughed kindly and said: "Don't worry. It probably means he'll be a very good father one day." My dad went on to have three daughters and yes, he is a good dad. My DH wears pink t-shirts and flowery shirts a lot (in fact we sometimes tease him about being 'camp'). He too has had 3 DCs and is an excellent father to our DS.

My 21 mo DS plays dress up at his CM's. He invariably opts for the pink fairy wings and red, polka dot handbag (i have yet to teach him about colour clashes!) In everything else he's typically boyish, but he does like pink!

Not that being gay would be wrong of course, just saying that plenty of boys play with girl's toys or like pink. I myself could never stand pink and preferred climbing trees and playing with cars.

If that is what you think people are saying, my advice is to walk on and ignore. You sound like a great mum, with a lovely little boy - you don't need other people's approval. What your little boy needs more than anything else is your approval and acceptance. Continue as you are and my guess is he'll grow into a man who is comfortable in his own skin and knows he's loved. You can't put a price on that.

My 7 year old son, loves playing with dolls and also loves dressing up in princess dresses. He has Sylvanian families which is supposed to be a girlie thing and is forever nicking my shoes.

When he started school I asked his teacher out of curiosity about it and she said he's just showing his creative side and not to worry.

He also only has one male influence in his life,his uncle, so at least he has some hope.

As far as I am concerned, if it means he is more in touch with his emotions and it stops him from doing the caveman thing I am not complaining.

Up until the age of 10 DS2's favourite colour was pink (it's now orange) I think he hit a peak with the My Little Ponies at around 7 or 8, but he always liked 'girl' stuff alongside 'boy' stuff. At 12 he's still fairly unique and creative, and I love that he's confident enough to pull it off. We've never had issues at school with any of it as he's always been upfront about his likes and dislikes.

My MIL was a bit iffy about it, but she's often iffy about things I do with the DCs so I ignored it. She'd probably blow a gasket if any of them were actually gay, she'd have to go through me though if she was going to be unpleasant about it

Your DS sounds delightful OP, and I think you're doing wonderfully in letting him grow up and explore things in his own way.

I read a brilliant quote to the effect of 'it is ok for girls to dress as boys, because it s understandable to want to be a boy, but to be a girl, or to dress as one, is seen as shameful'. Your son is just a feminist . Congratulations!

This is just a faze a lot of children go through. Discouraging it isn't healthy, tell your inlaws to back-off.
People turn out gay because they are gay not because of what toys and clothes they had as a child, the ils are being ridiculous.

My dd who is now 9yo, was wanting to be a boy until very recently!
She wore boys pjs, socks and even t-hirts occasionally. She had power rangers, doctor who toys, robots etc, and has repeatly asked me to change her name to a boys name and let her wear boys briefs-of course i didn't as that was a step too far. But now at 9yo she is growing up and getting more into girly stuff, has accepted she is a girl but is still tomboyish.

It may be a faze, it may not but no matter what you do it will not change what he wants to be so let him dress at home and play with toys he likes and ignore other peoples stupid ideals of what they think is 'normal'!

Hi, I agree with posters that for loads and loads of children this is a phase and I have no truck with girl's toys/boy's toys (mine have a mixture). Only thing I would say is I wondered if he is aware boys turn into men - and if he could think he might die if he is a boy/man? I have absolutely no idea if he's old enough yet to know boy becomes man but it was just you mentioned he still needs help with the bereavement.

Apart from the sleep, he sounds fab, goats.
My godson, now 6, has always had a passion for pink (and yellow). He is also surrounded by male role models (father, grandfathers, uncles), so I don't think that anything to do with it. Its also looking like he's going to be exceedingly bright.

You know historically it was pink for boys, blue for girls? wiki link - you need to scroll down
because blue is the dainty colour, and pink the strong one?

Thanks so much for your support and messages guys. I really appreciate every one of them. When I was younger I was so determined NEVER to be a single parent for two reasons-for one, I saw how hard it was for my single parent friends and for another I never trusted myself not to get it completely wrong and totally fuck him up.

Naturally my son is fabulous and I'm so not biased!!!! I am the least PC person I know but I hate stereotypes! Some of the campest people I know are happily married to women! Why does society want children to explore their world but only along certain gender limitations. I can identify with every one of them and all the toys that are popular too!

Your posts make me feel less alone. Thank you.

(BTW asleep since 8pm )

OP - my pink-loving son is not missing male role models - he has Dad at home (more often than me), Grandad, family friends, etc, etc. Don't think that every apparently non-normal boy behaviour is somehow linked to your home being Dadless. I have friends with a mummy-mummy arrangement, and their two boys are 'proper' boys - guns, climbing, no pink stuff, etc, etc. I totally agree that the poster who said that it's the adults who are odd, not the kids, have got it 100% right.

He needs a male role model, babe. All he sees in his life are females being awesome, and while that is brill, he is not female, and so to identify with the 'awesome', he feels he needs to be female. He needs to spend some time with awesome males. Get a teenaged boy to babysit, a nice one.

Sorry colditz but that's crap. My son (as I said above) was exactly the same and he had plenty of male role models. goats DS doesn't feel the need to be female, he just likes stuff that happens to be seen as 'girls stuff'.

my boy used to love slipping into a pink dress (although not outside) but it was a phase that passed......

Right .... so him having no male role model is fine and dandy? Because I think it's far from ideal. It may vcery well be nothing to do with his girly-toy liking, but it's still not great.