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Original poster

Don't be all pc on me!

44 replies

goatscanlaugh · 13/08/2012 00:29

Ok I (think) I namechanged.

My son is 4. His dad died when he was a baby and my inlaws are shit busy and so have very little contact. Although he has no memories of his dad, he was very affected by his dads death and still needs help with this.

Basically all he wants to do is play with 'girls' toys. 'My little Pony', Princess stuff, etc. Anything pink and he's all over it. That in itself doesn't bother me but I'm sick to the back teeth with my inlaws and my family telling me that I should be discouraging it. Hmm Yea good luck with that! I have bought him plenty of 'girls toys' and pyjamas/socks and would only discourage him from wearing them out in public as I don't want him laughed at.

He has told me that he wants to be a girl. (Yea I know he's four! I'm not exactly running to the sex change clinic yet!) He has no male adult playing a role in his life apart from my dad who is in his 80's. I'm very much fighting against the tide with this. I don't agree with suppressing anything in a child but don't want to provide ammo for trouble in school next year.

Please understand unlike my inlaws I don't think he will end up gay as a result of playing with a doll Grin (Oh the horror!!! lol) Actually I don't give a shit as long as he is a happy and healthy adult.

I just want to know if any other parent out there recognises this behaviour. Is it a stage? Is it a potential sign of a gender identity disorder? aghhhh I don't know what I'm asking really!

OP posts:
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littlebluechair · 17/08/2012 19:54

MrsDmitri the OP stated 'he has told me he wants to be a girl' so it is possible he feels the need to be female.

There is a difference between 'my boy likes girls' toys' and 'my boy wants to be a girl' imo.

MelanieSminge · 17/08/2012 19:59

colditz that's not very helpful, none of us live in an ideal world.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 17/08/2012 20:06

He's 4. And I'm not saying he doesn't need male role models, because in an ideal world of course he does, I'm just saying that you can't wave a hand and say 'oh he likes pink, he needs a man to do manly things in front of him' as if there's something wrong with him and he needs a magical man shaped cure.

FWIW at slightly old than that (6 I think) I used to drive my Mum up the wall by constantly weeing on the toilet floor because I wanted to be a boy, I used to cry about it... I can honestly say that I'm now very attached to all my girl bits and have no real urge to be a boy (unless it's for just one day, because that would be quite cool)

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colditz · 17/08/2012 20:10

I'm sorry. The OP stated that she didn't want us to be PC, so I wasn't being PC. I shall immediately start being PC.

OP, stop oppressing your son into masculinity immediately. Everyone knows that the ideal is gender neuter, so I suggest you buy all his toys in beige and dress him in dungarees with robots and rainbows on.

colditz · 17/08/2012 20:11

I didn't say "He likes pink, he needs a man".

I said "He wants to be a girl and he's not one. He needs to be shown that being a boy can be awesome too."

colditz · 17/08/2012 20:12

WOuld you not be concerned if a four year old girl was being raised entirely by men, and started declaring that she hated girls things and wanted to be a boy? I would. I would want her to know that being herself, her own gender, is a super thing to be.

And the same goes for this little boy.

IwishIwasinLondon · 17/08/2012 20:24

Have you read Raising Boys?

It suggests that it really is important for boys to have positive male role models in their lives, but not until the age of about 14 so you've got plenty of time yet op! These role models could be scout leaders, ministers, sports coaches etc

Until the age of 6, boys naturally are closer and relate more to their mothers. They are learning how to love and be loved. Kisses and cuddles are hugely important.

It might be worth a read op - I think it would be hugely reassuring for you.

Btw, your ds sounds lovely!

MelanieSminge · 17/08/2012 20:27

Until the age of 6, boys naturally are closer and relate more to their mothers
quite
and colditz calling the OP 'babe' and stating the bleeding obvious is kind of patronising. the boy is hardly in a unique situation.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 17/08/2012 20:29

But no one is telling him he can't play with boys things, and no one is telling him he has to play with girl things. What people were saying (in neither a PC or non-PC) manner is that it doesn't matter. That, going by the many examples of MN DS, he'll probably grow out of it in his own time, or incorporate it in some more acceptable way.

Your example is invalid because I don't recall the OP saying he hated being a boy (I want to be a girl is not the same as hating being a boy, and as I said he's 4) And a 4 yo tom boy will quite probably grow up and find her own individuality at 9/10/11 and either continue to prefer living like that or throw herself in a bucket of pink sprinkles with a vengeance.

Anyway, whatever. OP has multiple POVs to draw from - hopefully she'll find a happy medium that helps in some way Smile

Lexagon · 17/08/2012 20:36

None of those things are inherently "girly". We are simply socialized to think they are. He is no more a female than kids who pretend to be cats are cats.
Encourage him to think for himself and ignore your family's attitudes.

colditz · 17/08/2012 20:38

There is no way I could have failed to offend anyone, this is mumsnet after all, and it is mid August.

I was asked, as were we all, for an opinion, and have given it. My use of the word "babe" was informal, and not intentionally patronising. My advice/opinion was obvious to me, but has been challanged so maybe isn't as obvious as you might think.

This statement does not affect your statutory rights.

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 17/08/2012 20:39

had a joint birthday party with DS once, I had a pink cake and DS had a muppets cake
Every boy wanted a slice of the pink one
every single one!

DH wanted to be a cat when he was 4
I wanted to be a boy if I wasn't an alien

I bought DS loads of my little ponies so I could play with them

meh!

colditz · 17/08/2012 20:41

Everyone knows pink cake tastes nicer.

Even ds2, who went through a year of being allergic to pink, insisted on pink cake.

MelanieSminge · 17/08/2012 20:42

interestingly my 13 year old boy wants pink polo shirts and boxers, as he thinks it will help him 'pull' more girls......

Original poster
goatscanlaugh · 18/08/2012 00:32

coldiz Yea, you're right I do want all opinions. Trust me I'm more Dog the Bounty Hunter than Barbara Cartland

OP posts:
TurncoatEwok · 18/08/2012 00:54

Even my doctor told me that I should 'put a stop to that' when my son walked in with a princess doll.

That's really horrible :( and not normal, I hope. Certainly my little boy has never had any negativity when he's out pushing his toy buggy. He's just practising being a daddy!

Actually, I have had one comment before DS was old enough to understand it - at a baby signing class the male teacher asked what all the babies' favourite toys were. I said 'buggy' and he made a funny face and said some derogatory comment. Did he never push his own child in a buggy then? Twat. Went right off him after that.

Homebird8 · 18/08/2012 01:30

DS2, aged 6, asked why he was wearing a pink raincoat, said, 'because it's raining'. And at nearly 8 is still wearing pink wooly tights as ordinary wear (though I had moved them from the sock drawer to the dressing up box). The treat he chose for great behaviour last weekend was rainbow glitter hair slides.

Some boys like these things. He deals with comments from other children quite adequately. It's me who struggled with declarations from a so-called adult friend which I thought would damage him if she carried out her intentions.

If he's happy, change your doctor and carry on loving your boy!

littlebluechair · 18/08/2012 06:31

OP - are you getting support to help your son with his bereavement? I have a friend whose husband died when their son was little, I know they get help and advice from the charity Winston's Wish. What I think is so tricky is working out what is bereavement-related and what is just 'this kid is 2/3/4 years old' - I have a dss and it is so vital (but hard) not to attribute all behaviour to separation angst, sometimes it is that, sometimes it isn't.

I think a lot of us are set to 'fuck I'm messing him up' but if you care enough to post and think about it and get books from the library I'm sure you're doing a lot.

Are you in touch with other parents in similar circs so you get some support and a sounding board?

Sorry I've gone a bit beyond the toys discussion, just it must be very different to how you imagined parenting and it can be tough on your own just cos no-one to chew it all over with.

exoticfruits · 18/08/2012 07:30

I don't think that it is to do with his father dying and role models. It is just perfectly normal but it is easy to make it a problem because he is surrounded by women. I know similar DSs who have fathers, brothers etc. He is very young and it is sad that toys get labelled as being for a certain gender.
My DH died when DS was a baby. Are you in touch with other widows? I found that they were a wonderful support group to talk things over with.

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