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Parenting

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Original poster

Discipline for your toddler without SHOUTING, how do you do it?

36 replies

Littleraysofsunshine · 03/08/2012 13:15

I have two lovely girls (21months and 9weeks) raising them alone so I do feel the strain at times. Its just where DD1 is doing what toddlers do best, explore, test boundaries etc. Im finding it hard not to shout. and repeat myself until i do end up shouting. then i feel terrible for raising my voice. I dont want to have to raise it! wear me out and annoys DD even more i think.

I have been under a lot of stress & upset since the end of 2011, and wont be over until October when DP is home for good. so maybe she's picking up my moods?

She's a very good little girl, plays well, but i think she's a little TOO intelligent! its like periods where she'll be a right pain for a couple of days, or when teething (grrr)

What are your tips on keeping calm, remaining patient, and dealing with this?

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Original poster

Littleraysofsunshine · 03/08/2012 13:19

To add, we're trying out potty training too.

She is doing well, but alternating between pull up when out & about and knickers at home. She tells me when she needs to, but sometimes doesnt get there in time!

I am trying not to stress about it as its all still new :)

OP posts:

dranksinatra · 03/08/2012 13:22

I think when the background stress level is lower, you may have more of handle on not shouting..

merrymouse · 03/08/2012 13:30

Laryngitis usually works quite well.

Apart from that, top tips for remaining calm and unshouty are:

Good night's sleep. This is going to be tough for you with a 9 week old, but don't underestimate how difficult it is to be sleep deprived and calm. Be very, very nice to yourself.
Don't do too many things at once. Accept that everything you do will be interrupted and that you will have to go with the flow, while keeping a rough idea of what you want to achieve.
Remember to tell yourself that what you are saying is probably going in one ear and out the other. I am not sure when children start to understand rational argument (their mid 30's?), but toddlers certainly don't.
Deep breaths. Whilse you are taking your breath think - will this matter in 10 seconds? 10 minutes? 10 hours? 10 days? 10 weeks? 10 months? 10 years? by the time you have got to 10 years, you should have regained some composure.
laugh.
Structure your day so that you and your toddler know what is coming next.
If in doubt ensure safety of children and retreat with ice-cream/coffee/trashy novel.

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GiuliaRossi · 05/08/2012 17:27

What has helped me is (a) realising that no child really wants to fight with her/his parent, no matter how much it may look like it at times, and (b) building an exit route for the child: e.g. say "I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to get cross", because then she realises that the situation is getting serious and it's time to start behaving before you do get cross.

Not claiming it's foolproof!

Flojo1979 · 05/08/2012 17:34

My 3 year old waits til I get to 3 then laughs. Despite being shouted at, smacked (did it twice, didn't work) and plonked on the naughty step.

Flojo1979 · 05/08/2012 17:35

However dc1 is 7 and always scarpers when I get to 2.

Meglet · 05/08/2012 17:38

I don't know. I have to shout to be heard above their noise, I've tried talking sternly but my normal voice is no match for their noise!

GiuliaRossi · 05/08/2012 18:26

flojo: how about taking something away from her (gender correct here?) as the consequence of getting to three? "I'm going to count to three, and if you don't stop doing that, you're not getting [insert treat]".

Trouble is, as I've noticed, even if something works for a while, you keep having to change your strategy, think of something new to keep one step ahead of them!

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 05/08/2012 18:32

I have found that just repeating to mine over and over is the most effective.
For example i dont want my toddler to touch the xbox so when she found it i had to stand there for good 10 minutes just repeatedly taking her hand away and saying "no dont touch the xbox" she reached out straight away at first then keft it longer but afer 10 mins (it felt longer) she gVe up got bored and walked off and to this day she doesnt touch it.It works with other things as well.

Admittedly i do find it hard to resist the urge to just shout at her which stops her doing it but she doesnt learn so shes doing the same thing the next day if that makes sense.

Also Shouting is fine sometimes, for the worst crimes like trying to put her baby sister in a dolls pram etc (real episode from my house!)

Flojo1979 · 05/08/2012 19:35

After a particularly stressful few days early last wk, I have introduced the naughty step which doesn't seem to work maybe I'm doing it wrong and more successfully a sticker reward chart.
giu yes its a girl, how did u guess?! They r so independent and willful aren't they!

Original poster

Littleraysofsunshine · 05/08/2012 19:45

Flojo - Even though I dont have any boys yet.... Girls are most definitely Miss independent, Miss determination, Miss strong-willed, Miss bossypants in my case lol

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Original poster

Littleraysofsunshine · 05/08/2012 19:53

Shes been a lot better the past few days. (monday & tuesday were horrible!)

I just need to re-organise my house so that everything isnt in instance reach for her. because to a exploring 21month old - its christmas everyday i guess.

She does need to learn to listen more, but i suppose this will come in time when she understands more. I just g so worn out repeating myself some days. and if im sat feeding DD2, and DD1's in the dvd cupboard unloading the lot - I repeat, then have to end up getting u and pulling her away. I have never smacked her, I think i nudged her once when she poked DD2's eyes when newborn. but i felt terrible. Each to their own with raising children, but I never want to be a parent that has to hit their child in order for them to listen, or infact be terrified (lkemy mum use to do)

Dranksinatra I agree, once DP is home and can give me the well-deserved break in the evening for me to take even 10mins to myself i may be less-stressed. and the initial fact of him being home will mean the world to me and not have to live with heartache like i have for 8months.

Merrymouse Thank you for the tips. Luckily DD2 has been sleeping well, and only BFeeds once between 10pm-4am. but i sometimes cant switch off fully.. which then leads to moany grouchy me in the morning.

The girls have a viral infection too at present - DD1 is coping well, but maybe this was why shewas so bad on mon/tues. and poor DD2 is so snotty and chesty but we're coping.. just tired from last night where she was so bunged up and I was trying to get her nose clear! probably be the same tonight but...

EMBRACE it all i suppose :)..............

OP posts:

Iggly · 05/08/2012 20:34

Why are you potty training with a 9 week old baby?! Are you mad?! Wait a few weeks until she settles down.

Tell your DD what she can do, not what she can't. And pick your battles - ask yourself if it matters whether she does something. You have a small baby so let thing go.

Meglet · 05/08/2012 20:43

I missed that bit. For heavens sake quit the potty training . Do it when it suits your timetable! I didn't bother to do mine until they were just over 3 as it fitted in with the Xmas break and time off work, we tried earlier but it didn't work so I took the easy route back to pull ups and saved myself the hassle.

Original poster

Littleraysofsunshine · 05/08/2012 20:51

I dont potty train my 9wk old lol. My 21month old

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 05/08/2012 20:51

I second the potty training, she is very young to start, I found if I left it til both of mine were nearly 3 then they picked it up straight away, no problems.
Oh god, the msg about not smacking, not making them terrified, I think I'm failing on this one. Admittedly I have rarely smacked them and usually at times of danger, I.e. dd was messing with plug socket so I smacked her hand etc but the terrified bit...
I do shout a lot, hence why this got my attention, and growl alot

Original poster

Littleraysofsunshine · 05/08/2012 20:57

Dont worry, I feel like im shouting a lot. and i hate the look on her face.

and when i kind of go arghhhh she runs away. not shouting it. just even if i say arghhhh at something i've done like forgot to do something, she runs away and thinks whats that?

I do find myself having to pull her away from things though. with a bit of strength. like when she lays nicely with DD2, but then decides she wants to roll on her being playful but too playful for now. and when i say no, she flops to dead weight so then i have to pull her :(

or when she repeatedly goes in the cupboards.

I am in the process of sorting her toys out. so the younger toys are away and the more educational toys are out. but i know a child will much prefer wooden spoons/household goods to the plastic fantastic toys she's had bought for her. some are good but i do prefer the household/home made stuff anyway. its just when she goes after the dangerous things like plugs. and she's a CLIMBER so everything is in reach right now! lol

OP posts:

GiuliaRossi · 05/08/2012 21:17

Flojo - she sounded like my little madam!

I knew it was time to move on from the naughty step when she cheerfully said "OK!" and went and sat on it!

There isn't a trick that will work with every child (and I have tried lots of things that haven't worked!). Trial and error, and empathy.

I try to remember that I am the grown up here, which means that I am the one who has to take a step back and see things in perspective, and calm things down if they are spiralling out of control. And I try to remember that she doesn't really want a fight: she wants everything to be fine with us, really.

Also: choose your battles.

GiuliaRossi · 05/08/2012 21:23

The sticker chart worked for me quite well for quite some time.

Iggly · 05/08/2012 21:57

I meant why are you doing it while you also have a 9 week old baby.

I put DS's training off until his baby sister was a bit older and settled. It was actually pretty easy leaving it later as he was much more ready.

Iggly · 05/08/2012 22:00

When she tries to roll on the baby, show her how she should play nicely. Or put your baby in a bouncy chair so she can't.

Move furniture if you can to hide plugs etc. unplug anything that's not necessary.

Get out of the house as much as you can come rain or shine.

Flojo1979 · 05/08/2012 22:04

Ah I'm glad to see its not just me with the naughty step, my dd quite enjoys it, she won't sit on it, she quite enjoys being chased round and plonked back on it. Eventually she gives up still smiling and sits for 3 minutes then proudly tells me "mummy I'm sorry, now u have to hug me".
I went for the choosing battles option but unfortunately its turn out more like I haven't been consistent enough and setting enough boundaries.
So trying now to clamp down on it cos she really is ruling our house. But its hard when I've let her get away with it before and I'm now telling her no its not exceptable.

Iggly · 05/08/2012 22:06

Naughty steps don't work for under 3s IMO.

You can save nos for big transgressions. You can pick your battles for minor things not big things. And you can be positive. Sounds wishy washy but you can tell her what she can do and tell her what she does well.

GiuliaRossi · 05/08/2012 22:15

I agree, Iggly, it's really really important to say "well done" at least as often as you say "stop doing that!"

And as for major and minor things: that's what I mean by picking your battles: the minor things often just aren't worth it.

Flojo: had to smile at the naughty step story! How familiar that sounds!

NagooingForGold · 05/08/2012 22:19

Distraction is the only useful strategy for my 20MO. She likes the attention of shouting, she has a 'naughty face' and enjoys using it.

She has a favourite book and I read that about 20 times a day.

Books and fig rolls.

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