Discipline for your toddler without SHOUTING, how do you do it?

[Littleraysofsunshine]

I have two lovely girls (21months and 9weeks) raising them alone so I do feel the strain at times. Its just where DD1 is doing what toddlers do best, explore, test boundaries etc. Im finding it hard not to shout. and repeat myself until i do end up shouting. then i feel terrible for raising my voice. I dont want to have to raise it! wear me out and annoys DD even more i think.

I have been under a lot of stress & upset since the end of 2011, and wont be over until October when DP is home for good. so maybe she's picking up my moods?

She's a very good little girl, plays well, but i think she's a little TOO intelligent! its like periods where she'll be a right pain for a couple of days, or when teething (grrr)

What are your tips on keeping calm, remaining patient, and dealing with this?

Yes I think I need to brush up on my positive parenting techniques and use the happy clappy distractions.

I agree with distraction being the only thing that works with my 20 mo DD.

She clearly understands that something is not allowed...like when she pulled out my parents Sky TV card out the box and legged it out the room shouting "NO!" at the top of her voice.

She has a naughty grin when she knows she is up to mischief, and does stuff to get a reaction (like putting things in her mouth, showing me then running away) So I have learnt not to react to anything that she can use as amunition as she loves to wind me up (Honestly!) which basically means picking my battles, and lots and lots of praise for the good things, even if I do sound like a loon/ happy clappy going over the top!

I remove her from whatever I've said she can't do/have and as the full on tantrum brews I distract her with something else. Today it was wanting to go outside in the rain, and throwing a real strop on the floor when the front door was closed. I blew my brothers football whistle! It got her attension and she came over for a go.

You must be exhausted, especially with a 9 week old, a climbing toddler is bad enough, so don't be too tough on yourself.

The other thing is when she has been allowed to run loose for a while she behaves better, so I try and take her to the park/toddler group/ soft play so she can let off steam...is this something you could try?

By the way that was just one of about 30 things that she needed distracting from today...

I agree with Iggly that the Naughty Step is unlikely to work until around 3; the consequence is too indirect. I find that what works with DD (almost 2) is to pick her up and lift her away from the scene of the crime. For example,

Me: DD, no touching the TV
DD: (looks at me, then turns to touch the tv)
Me: DD, No touching the TV (Stern voice)
DD: (touches tv)
Me: (Pick her up, move her into another room, and say "Mummy said no touching the TV).

Then, when she's calmed down, I give her a hug and distract her with something else.

That's all.

BTW if you've started potty training, the WORST thing you can do is stop now. You'll confuse the hell out of your toddler. All the advice I've read suggests it's all or nothing. You have to go cold turkey. This means, unfortunately, ditching the pullups and taking a change of clothing with you wherever you go. 21 months isn't too young if she's demonstrated the ability to go potty already. Just stick with it.

I don't think it's a bad thing to stop potty training. If its not working, drop it and try again later. A 21 month old is a lot younger than a 29 month old for example (my DS is 2.10 years now and I expected far too much for him at that age - his understanding is incredible compared to a few months ago).

I agree with Iggly, if potty training isn't working, then stop an try again in a few months time. At 21 months, she's unlikely going to remember even trying it.

No way I'd be trying it with a 9 week old in tow. Dd1 has enough change going on with mum having brought home a new baby and mum needs to be kinder to herself when she's probably sleep deprived

Turn some of the shouts into a big opera singing voice.

Phrase the request differently the second time.

I learned a phrase some time back, and I find it remains pretty useful:
?Ignore negative behaviours and praise the behaviours you want to see more of.?

Negative behaviours I can?t ignore: Hitting/lashing out and possibly spitting. Everything else can be ignored with some practise. Tons of praise for even the tiniest little things. If you can?t see anything worth praising, look harder.
If a child is sitting at the table refusing to eat, praise that he/she is sitting nicely, and ignore the non-eating part. If they?re hungry, they?ll eat. Find small things to praise, and for me, the smile on my face when praising, gives me a little boost and gets me through the tough-to-ignore stuff.

I often see, (in supermarkets usually) kids screaming for a toy or chocolate, and the parent screaming back, which leads to tantrums on both parts. What a huge waste of time and energy. Regular ignoring of these difficult behaviours, for me anyway, will enforce that these things will not get them what they want. In the same respect, if you shout, they?ll shout. If you hit, they?ll hit. If you shout at them for hitting, and give them a slap to reinforce the lesson you?re teaching them, you?re in for a bumpy ride.

Don?t shout, don?t hit, and don?t use behaviours that you?re attempting to lessen in your child/ren.

Do praise, do tell them what you want them to do and not what you don?t want them to do, do ignore and do smile.

Does it always work? Of-course not. Children are resilient and will try and find new ways to get what they want, which they absolutely should. Negotiation skills are essential for children?s independence. Should you do it anyway? In my opinion, yes, absolutely. Every day, without fail.

DD knows when she's done something wrong as she says Ohh naughty... or oh dear. but some things she's obviously just experimenting which is understandable.

Yeah I think i'm going to be more relaxed about the potty training for a few months or so. today for instance we got back home from playgroup & i take her nappy off then, or put ona pull up I tried without a nappy (stupidly not remembering she didnt do her morning poo this morning)....what did she do in her leggins..........and DD2 got all upset where she wanted to be comforted to sleep... then I shouted at poor DD1 and said just wait while I see to DD2! she just sat all innocently bless her. me shouting made DD2 upset even more.. then I thought FFS why am i doing this to myself. if she had a nappy on it wouldnt have caused me to stress. So we're taking it easy. atleast until DD2 is more able and not so tiny and fragile. I did apologise to her.

ALSO. how do you guys deal with trying to keep things calm when your smaller DC's are trying to nap, I find myselftelling DD to be quiet some days when shes had her nap and DD2 is trying to nap. when she's in a deep sleep she's sleep through it. but when trying to nod off she will take a while to drop off. I think I need to just put her in her cot upstairs. its unfair of me to expect a 1.5yo to keep a bit quiet i know..

Younger one goes in cot upstairs while I stick the tv on for older one to keep them still. No way would DD nap while her older brother crashes about!!

My secret for keeping it quiet in the house when the baby is asleep is to put on the TV. Dora or the Wiggles or something. It's a shameful admission, but that's the truth of it. With a 3 month old and an almost 2 year old it's hard enough work as it is without getting the guilts about resorting to TV.