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Original poster

DD making "inappropriate" playdates

42 replies

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 15:27

My dd is in her preschool year at nursery and will be 5 in a couple of weeks. She's one of the oldest in the class, she's very sociable and loves having friends to play. There are loads of lovely girls in her class and I'm happy to have almost any of them here or have her go there. But lately she's started approaching the parents of children I probably wouldn't make arrangements with and asking if they can play together.

Earlier this week I had a call from one woman saying my dd had asked if she could come play with her ds. I've always found this boy a little bit odd - he seems clever but has very poor social skills and to be honest I'm not entirely sure what they would do together in a 1 on 1 situation. But the other mother invited my dd to come for lunch after nursery one day so I agreed. Lunch will take up half the play date anyway and they can always watch a video if all else fails!

Today it turns out she's been at it again. I got approached by the mother of a girl in the younger nursery class saying my dd had also asked her if they could play. The problem is this other girl only just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago which means there is nearly a 2 year gap between them. She'd be a more appropriate playdate for my ds who will be 3 in the summer. My own dd is now at an age where she and her friends just disappear into her room and come out dressed in princess costumes when they're ready for something to eat. This other little girl seems sweet enough but I really don't want to have to start minding a 3 year old and I don't know what to do.

She's got my number but I don't have hers so it's down to her to phone me but what do I say when she does?

I'd much rather encourage my dd to continue playing with the kids in her own class as they are a really nice group and she seems to get on with them really well. If she didn't like them that would be different but how do I explain this to her?

OP posts:

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suzywong · 07/03/2006 15:32

ok, this is harsh but fair:
Chill out
Kids find things to with one another do very well without adult direction
Give you daughter some credence for her decisions about her friendships

Just as long as none of these children have pierced ears or drink pop

Angeliz · 07/03/2006 15:34

TBH, i think the Mothers are strange. All kids do this. Lots of kids have asked me and i've invited a few but i don't on their say so as i'm usually asked daily TBH!

Why don't you invite some children from her class to you house? That's usually how it all starts the ball rolling.

dinosaur · 07/03/2006 15:34

Can I just say thank you for letting her go for lunch at the little boy's house. As a mother of a DS1 who is keen to have playdates but does lack social skills, I'm sure that the other mother will have really appreciated what you and your dd have done.

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Original poster

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 15:40

I didn't mean to suggest that she shouldn't choose her own friends. But I think she wants to be friends with EVERYONE. She's got loads of lovely friends who I know she likes and enjoys playing with. There are about 5 or 6 in particular who we regularly make play dates with. These children are also in her own class and will go with her into P1 next year. Combined with the fact that there are only so many days in the week to make such dates, I would hate for her to jeapordise these friendships in favour of ones that I'm pretty sure won't "stick" if you know what I mean.

To be perfectly honest, I really can't be bothered wtih another 3 year old. I admit it's more my problem than dds. The question is how do I say no to this other mum? Is there any way to do it without sounding horrible?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 15:43

Thanks for the insight dinosaur - sometimes I don't stop to see things from someone elses point of view.

OP posts:

sparklymieow · 07/03/2006 15:44

My son's best friend at school is 2 years old than him, they have been friends since Ds was 4 and the other boy was 6. Haven't had him here yet, but he has just been invited to his friend's house for tea. I know the other girl is only 3 but maybe they do get on well

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/03/2006 15:47

I agree with SWong.

Mistymoo · 07/03/2006 15:51

I just thought I would mention that my son's best friend is 3 years older than him. They have played together since my ds has been born. They are great mates and I never have a bother with them playing toegether.

I just wanted to say that to show that I don't think age makes too much of a problem. In fact I think it helps a little bit.

Original poster

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 15:52

Actually Suzywong - one of the girls she usually plays with does have her ears pierced already! As far as I know though none of them have their belly buttons or their noses pierced.

OP posts:

honeyflower · 07/03/2006 15:55

She sounds like a lovely friendly little girl, and I think it's really cool that she is open to being friends with kids who have shaky social skills, or are younger than her. I'll be delighted if my children turn out to be so warm and friendly.

Can see it's a bit annoying for you, but can you just put up with the hassle and bask in the knowledge of what a sociable little star you've raised?

Original poster

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 16:01

Yes honeyflower I suppose you have a good point. DD has great social skills. She will happily play with pretty much any type of child. If they are wild and boisterous she will be wild and boisterous right along with them. If they are shy she will take them by the hand and lead them to a game or toy. If I take her to soft play on her own she inevitably comes back 5 minutes later introducing me to her new "friend".

So yeah, I suppose I could put up with the hassle knowing that her social skills are a big asset and hopefully always will be. Then again, I could just pretend not to be home whenever this other mum calls!

OP posts:

cod · 07/03/2006 16:02

i thihnk you are all evry nice
but imo the POINT of havign kdis to play is that they play together not hat i have to bloody look after them or to miguideldly try and sort out other peopels parenting errors

Original poster

Sugarmag · 07/03/2006 16:04

so your point being....?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 07/03/2006 16:05

if you like the mother invite her round with the kid

if you don't, don't

you should only have to do childcare if you offer .. not if your child offers

cod · 07/03/2006 16:07

yes god donmt make more work for oyurself
i dont liek soem kids and or parents na deffo procarstinate if anyone woudl invite htem

Bramshott · 07/03/2006 16:09

Can you suggest to your DD that she lets you know who she'd like over to play and then you can set it up rather than her?

PeachyClair · 07/03/2006 17:21

'he seems clever but has very poor social skills'

Sounds like my ds who never gets play dates either- how on earth will he learn social skills without them???

Kids are great precisely because they don't discriminate or have adult hang ups and can play with anyone.

Cod kids play to expose themselves to life. Correcting toher peoples errors- honestly. >

WharfRat · 07/03/2006 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 07/03/2006 17:39

Hmm. I think you should let your dd make up her own mind about who she is friends with and invites but maybe you could tell her she's only allowed to give out x number per week - it might make her more discriminating. Also, I assume these dates are reciprocated so it's not the end of the world having a child round for 3 hours if the other mother does the same back.

Passionflower · 07/03/2006 18:28

I too think the mums are a bit forward.

I would never mention it to another mum when their daughter asks if DD can come to play, I tell them that they have to ask their mummy but it's OK with me. If the mum then asks fine and dandy, if not also fine and dandy. DD1 knows that she has to ask me first before inviting someone and that I'll then arrange with their mum.

TBH I think it's a bit rude to approach someone and ask if your child can go to their house on a playdate.

cod · 07/03/2006 19:02

i dont mean social skills wise is an error
i mean a firend of ds1s who i alwayes feel desperately sorry for whose parents let him roam the streets and so i aways feel he shodul eb played with so let him play ehre etc etc

w ell bugger me if i am their baby sitting service becasuse theya re too busy drinking and takign drugs

LadySherlockofLGJ · 07/03/2006 19:03

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=153031\Godsake Cod check your Email}

Hijack over..........

MrsBigD · 07/03/2006 19:26

I'd say if they come over for a playdate then the mum should stay to be available for the 3 year old should the need arise.

However, my dd (4) is a social animal as well and she doesn't care about the age of the child she wants to play with. With younger ones she's so sweet and takes them by the hand to show them things and explain things. Helps that she has a younger brother :) For a long time her favourite 'boyfriend' was a boy who was 4 years older than her! They had a ball!

The 'problem' I have with her is that she wants to go to her nursery friends' homes to play, i.e. inviting herself over. Though we all have an agrement... we keep saying 'you have to ask xyz's mum if it's o.k. with her' and the standard reply by the mums is 'not today we have things planned but maybe another time' :)

So if you have a social bunny let her have lots of playdates. I used to be terribly shy and hardly ever had playdates :(

oops · 07/03/2006 19:57

I think that you should invite her friends over tbh.
The little boy with "poor social skills" was probably helped massively by having a playdate.
the lady with the 3 yr old may be a great person and you may meet a new friend too.
i have a 2.5yr old and recently had a 4.5yr old for the day-they had a great time together.

i don't see what your major problem is tbh, i'd just see how it pans out..
forgive me if i am wrong, but you just seem to want your dd to have freinds that make sense to you, i am not sure why you think her "real" freinds will lose contact with her if she spends time with the other kids- i'd question that end of it tbh...not try to stop her mixing with all sorts of different kids. life isn't made up of people exactly the same and your dd sounds like she understands that already- good for her

niceglasses · 07/03/2006 20:01

I think my ds1 might fall into the "clever but poor social skills " category. I have a suspicion one of my friends doesn't deem my son "approriate" and it really bugs me. Dont mean to have a go at you - you are just doing what you think best for your child, but i think I might have a view from the other side. I would let them come and see how it goes. If they have an awful time, she may not want them back or they may not want to come back.........

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