DD making "inappropriate" playdates

[Sugarmag]

My dd is in her preschool year at nursery and will be 5 in a couple of weeks. She's one of the oldest in the class, she's very sociable and loves having friends to play. There are loads of lovely girls in her class and I'm happy to have almost any of them here or have her go there. But lately she's started approaching the parents of children I probably wouldn't make arrangements with and asking if they can play together.

Earlier this week I had a call from one woman saying my dd had asked if she could come play with her ds. I've always found this boy a little bit odd - he seems clever but has very poor social skills and to be honest I'm not entirely sure what they would do together in a 1 on 1 situation. But the other mother invited my dd to come for lunch after nursery one day so I agreed. Lunch will take up half the play date anyway and they can always watch a video if all else fails!

Today it turns out she's been at it again. I got approached by the mother of a girl in the younger nursery class saying my dd had also asked her if they could play. The problem is this other girl only just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago which means there is nearly a 2 year gap between them. She'd be a more appropriate playdate for my ds who will be 3 in the summer. My own dd is now at an age where she and her friends just disappear into her room and come out dressed in princess costumes when they're ready for something to eat. This other little girl seems sweet enough but I really don't want to have to start minding a 3 year old and I don't know what to do.

She's got my number but I don't have hers so it's down to her to phone me but what do I say when she does?

I'd much rather encourage my dd to continue playing with the kids in her own class as they are a really nice group and she seems to get on with them really well. If she didn't like them that would be different but how do I explain this to her?

sugarmag - As a childminder i can honestly say that children will play together aften regardless of their age, 2 yrs difference developmentally at that age is a big gap, but all children can play, and the children who's skills are not as developed as your daughters will learn from watching your little one.

I also feel i need to point out that maybe fi your child is going to someone elses house, you should have a phone number for them, and hopefully you took her to the house and know the address as well. Safety of our children is so important.

Thanks for the safety advice diddle - I always know the phone number and address when dd is at someone else's house and if it's the first time she's been I'll most likely have dropped her off there myself.

Anyway, I suppose the point of all this is not that the two girls wouldn't be capable of playing together - I'm sure they would find things to do. But this other little girl is so young that if she came here I feel I would have to keep a really close eye on her rather than just let them go off and play. I would need to make sure she used the toilet appropriately; if they wanted to get dressed up I would have to help her change her clothes. Things I now take for granted when DD has another 4-5 year old over.
She's much closer in age to my DS I wouldn't dream of arranging a playdate for him yet where I wasn't planning to stay. And even if the first date is at her house - I then have to have her back here, don't I?

The girl may well be too much trouble for you to have over...
so I suppose you have to tell your child that you will decide who she has round and not let her ask for children that don't fit your requirements.

I thought it may be a good opprotunity for the young girl to do some more exciting stuff, for your girl to learn to play nicley and be gentle with smaller children, for you to meet a new mum who may be a really intieresting person.
It may be this new friend could return the favour and take care of your dd one day when you are in trouble etc..
but each to their own.

give me a break - I come here looking for advice but there's always one who has be to all sarcastic. WTF do you think I am - some bloody charity whose job it is to make sure all the other children in the community get to have a good time? My dd is just fine at playing with smaller children and I already have many friends who I willingly help out with their children and vice/versa.
I don't arrange playdates to teach my dd a lesson. I do it 1)for her to have fun and 2)to give myself a bit of break from entertaining her myself. If a playdate isn't going to meet those two requirements then I just don't see why I should bother. If a friend asks me to help them out that's a different story but that's not what we're talking about here so get off your bloody high horse.

I would insist that your daughter talks to you first about playdate arrangements rather than approaching other parents without consulting you. Point out to her that it's your house too, and that you have to do the work and take the responsibility. You can then talk to her about how she might play with the friend she wants to invite - perhaps she might see your point better then.

I'm broadly in favour of allowing your daughter to choose her own friends btw, but only provided she takes responsibility for her own bad choices. Insisting that your daughter deals with any mess - physical and emotional - is essential in my view.

I would probably rule out the three-year-old for the reasons you give. It's quite possible the three-year-old's mother isn't too happy about her going on a playdate with a five-year-old, so you may not get a phone call. If she does ring, I'd just be honest about the situation.

You haven't upset me batters - the fact is that I do get a break when she has a friend here. I didn't force that on her it just seems to have happened over the last year. Ok maybe not always or for the entire time but for the most part her and her friends do disappear off into her room, they dress up, they play moms and dads, they go on picnics or to the beach. If it's nice I can let them loose in the garden and just keep an eye on them while I sit with a book or a magazine. They show their faces when they are hungry. If it's a lunch date I might put a video on for half an hour after lunch to let them have some down time. Sometimes I invite a friend to stay for tea as it's not much more trouble to feed 3 than 2. And if it's a rainy day I might supervise some arts & crafts. But for the most part, really no trouble.

What I don't have to do is help them get dressed or undressed, take them to the toilet, or make sure they can drink from a cup without spilling it all over my house. I don't have to sit and play games with them or read stories to them. I don't have to calm temper tantrums or referee arguments because they've not quite got the hang of sharing yet.

I am Sorry sugarmag,
You are right, i was not as polite as i could have been. I apologise.

I shall parp myself out of this thread now.
I do hope you resolve your dilemma.

Um, wasn't expecting that - apology accepted I guess. Thanks.

Anyway, if this other mum does phone I suppose I'll just put it off as long as possible and then probably give when it gets too akward.

Well sugarmag it all depends on the child. You would have had to do none of things you listed for my DS at that age, although I confess you would have had to flush the toilet.

I think the real problem you have is getting your DD to understand that she must communicate to you first wrt play dates.

at 4 (and actually at age 6) its up to me who comes round/who the dds go and play with. I would do the same as passionflower. I'd be surprised if any of my mums thought an invitation from one of teh dds was set in stone tbh, I'd expect them to check with me first.

I have found that now dd1 is 6, playdates are quite relaxing, but before now they have been a right pain in the arse and I certainly am not in a hurry to invite dd2s (3.5) friends back all the time.

yes, of course you are all right - I def need to explain to dd that she should tell me if she wants to have someone round rather than just going and asking the other child's mum first.

And yes bozza I'm sure it depends on the child. 3 is a funny age - some of them seem quite grown up whereas others really do seem like toddlers still.

Wait til she's 13+, that's a whole new ball game!!!

I think the other mums are wrong to ask you, just use the standard line "maybe someother time" said enough times you should be OK

Good luck!

also tell her not to ask you if xxx can come infron of them, puts you in an impossible situation, I still sometimes have to remind mine not to do that 13 & 12! They do it coz they know you will say yes. But mine know now that if they do it the answer is automatically NO. Sorted that one.

Oh lord, i don't even want to think about what she'll be like as a teenager! One crisis at a time.