What should DP and I discuss about parenting before having kids?

[fanjobiscuits]

Just that really. We are thinking of trying soon, but it's not something we have talked about much in terms of the details/realities/practicalities. Would really appreciate any tips, advice or suggestions.

Who will look after the baby?
Will you or he stay at home?
Will you use nursery , childminder , family
How will you sort out finances if one of you isn't working

What experience do you have of newborn babies?
How do you cope with little sleep?
Do you hope to breastfeed?
Do you have friends/family that could help you out if need be in the early days?

I would also try and think further into the future than just having a newborn baby. 13 years ago that was me but now I have a teenager, and have been through all the stages inbetween. Each one very different.

Good luck, and don't forget to take Folic Acid once you start trying, and don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen straight away.

What your discipline methods would be, it's very important that you work as a team and don't undermine one another.

Thanks Gumby! The nature of our jobs and finances means that it's likely one of us will shift to part-time work and it's pretty clear who that would need to be, so I think we have the first two questions covered. But haven't really thought about or discussed the last two yet, so that's really helpful.

Oh wow more answersas I was posting! Thanks, all really helpful and lots more we haven't thought about yet.

I agree with Schlock-what discipline methods will you use?
What are your thoughts on education?
Childcare in the early years-who is going to do it?
How much involvement are you expecting from extended family?

DH has helpfully added -

How do you feel about standing on the sidelines at junior football in the freezing rain every Saturday morning?

That's in the future though.

I think it's worth discussing the following two approaches:

Do you (broadly) think babies should generally be encouraged to sleep through as soon as possible, a routine makes them (and you) happier, babies should be left to cry if they are only fussing and that it's good to get them in routine, it's not good to have them in your bed, during the day they should learn to be put down sometimes...

OR

Babies should be cuddled as much as possible, parents should attempt to respond to babies' needs, they should sleep in your bed sometimes / all of the time, they shouldn't be left to cry and should be picked up if they do.

Obviously some parents mix and match those two general approaches, but IME most parents seem to fall into one camp or the other. I think differences in approaches between partners can sometimes be a source of stress, if, for example, one of you assumed that the baby would come into your bed sometimes, and the other thought that would be a terrible idea.

If you don't allready pool all your income, how will baby costs be covered? (Childcare, furniture, clothes etc)
How much Paternity Leave he imagines taking / how much Maternity Leave

It may sound daft, and I kow you can't enforce a 'personality' onto a child, but it could help to discuss what three things you think are important in a person. For example, DH and I agreed together that we would ideally like DD to be adaptable, friendly and independent. I know we can't make her be any of these things, but it helps to have these in mind when it comes down to discipline, how she learns stuff, what we expect her to be able to do, etc. So, when it came to weaning, we wanted to let her lead the way and feed ehrself (independent), we also hold manners in high esteem and expect her to be well behaved as much as is reasonable, and that we encourage her to build relationships with friends and family members and is adaptable with babysitters, Childminder etc.

This is great, am creating quite a list here which will be good to cover before we both really find out how we cope with lack of sleep...

Sparkling hmmm... Maybe I can pass bad weather football duties onto OH [hopeful]

Money
Childcare - who will look after baby?
Parenting styles
Schools
University
Approaches to family acitivites
Baby car; such as feeding baby, equipment expectations,
how many kids will you have?
how big a gap between babies?

How do you both stand up to pressure from both sets of parents?
Where will you spend Christmas when you have a child?

Are you kind to each other, even under extremes of tiredness, work pressure, family pressure, toilet not working, aliens landing?

Will you each get a lie-in at the weekends?
Will the night waking be shared?

I think the most important thing is to decide how household chores, washing, shopping and cooking are going to be divided up. Whoever is at home looking after the baby will have less free time than you can begin to imagine, so whatever you do, do not elect for that person to do most of the housework.

So, ask yourselves, are you ready for the tremendous amount of hard work that having a baby entails?

Will you treat your male and female children differently? Eg clothes/freedom?

What is your contingency plan if one of you dies/you split up?

Whose surname will the baby have?

How many to have and what happens if you have an extra 'accident'?

How involved do you expect the GPs to be?

Vaccinations?

Oh yes, definitely discuss how you will manage your money, if one of you is going to be earning significantly less.

When you have a baby you are raising an adult. What kind of adult do you want that baby to become? Independent, hardworking, responsible, happy, solvent, educated? So how are you going to get there.

Be kind, be patient, be a role model. Accept that mistakes will be made. Learn from them. Be forgiving and tolerant. Basically, be the adult that you want your child to become.

Crikey. I don't think we discussed 90% of these before having children. I think a) a lot depends on the personality of the child, and the circumstances you find yourselves in at the time; and b) you may feel very differently to how you think you will, when DC are born. For example, I thought I would try BFing for a few weeks, and ended up BFing for nearly two years; thought I would go back to work after 6 months, am still at home 6 years later; thought I would never do controlled crying but did it after 9 months of constant night waking!

I don't think you have to agree on every aspect of parenting before you have DC. I do think you have to agree to support each other, work as a team and above all keep communicating.

Also remember it doesn't always go to plan and you might have a disabled child. I have a disabled sister and am very aware of the impact this has on a family. It is a lifetime commitment for the parents and siblings.

This was something DH and I discussed before we started our family.

Oh yes, you both have to put the child's needs first. It's no good one of you being jealous that the baby is getting more attention. The baby needs more attention.

The only question you need to ask is "are you really going to help or are you going to leave it all to me"

Presumably you are with someone you picked on the basis of having a similar outlook on life, someone who agrees with or can live with your politics and views on gender and tolerance of difference, who can put up with your foibles? That established, I think it's rare for a prospective dad to have a clue what parenting style he would use until he actually has a child. When that happens he may well discover that he becomes a parent to fit the child. Is you've established that as a human being he is sensitive, caring, mature, not overly controlling and someone you think would try to be a good role model for your child, then perfection or absolutely identical views on parenting are unnecessary. You need a relationship that is strong enough to stand up to whatever pressure may be placed upon it by money troubles, difficult inlaws and the rest. Your dp may discover that flexibility is key and that he will find himself putting the baby first even if he seemed to have his own ideas and perhaps a bit of selfishness before the baby came. A lot changes when you have a child, even though I would add that the experience won't turn someone into good dad material if they don't really embrace being a dad. (But get them to come to the 20-week scan, cut the cord and give the baby their surname and they will want to fight the child's corner. Don't place obstacles in the way of a dad having affection for his baby. Share, share, share.)

So the topics of conversation that would come up are the practical ones like: are you going to put in the hours while the baby is small, are you prepared to help me when you come home as well, how many would you like to have (in case your dp categorically wants to stop at one, as most mums find they want to repeat the experience - me included though I thought one would be definitely be enough once upon a time), how much would you be prepared to do or give up in the interests of their education, what are we going to do when our own parents get ill, are they going to be taught about religious faith at all - plus how important is it to forego extramarital affairs in the interests of keeping our relationship calm for the sake of the children, what would we do if we split up, and all the really longterm stuff that you see on problem pages. Even if you find you both change a lot as a result of becoming parents and the discussions you had seem academic in years to come, it's good to get into a habit of communicating about these issues so they don't become elephants in the room later.

How many children do you want to have overall? This is a huge factor...

Agree with Mintyy: domestic chores. Definitely. If your DP isn't doing half now, he almost certainly won't be doing half after the baby is born (there are exceptions, but they're rare).

Given that Mr Inferior impregnated me within five months of our first shag date, I can safely say we discussed absolutely none of the things on this list, however, with the possible exception of surnames (he wanted Myname Hisname, I wanted Hisname Myname). That baby is now 11 and her sister is nine. They seem to be fine.

The main thing is to discover that you are generally in agreement. If one wants to HE and the other would be horrified, or one thinks that it is the 'done thing' to send a DC to boarding school and one wouldn't contemplate it -or one is very liberal and one is authoritarian you are going to have problems.

Wow do people really discuss all these things? [Blush]

I think dp & I discussed whether and who'd give up work, finances is the same conversation really.

I wish we'd discussed housework! Still working on that one ...

Other than that we've just taken things as they come. You can't plan for much else really, your dc's personality dictates a lot.

I think it's important to agree to not stick to the plan too rigidly. In the early days do whatever gets you the most sleep for example!