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Original poster

is your working partner home in time for dinner with the chlldren or at least to put them to bed?

30 replies

groundhog101 · 23/07/2012 20:00

I have two children 4 and 3 and normally they go to bed around 7pm. Every night during the week i get thm to bed. I am with one of them all day (will both be out in the mornings by august). Got both of them all day this week and was dreading it. I am tired by 6pm so by 8pm I am fuming that they are not asleep. it is not their fault - it is mine and my anger is really for my husband who never comes home in the evening before they go to bed and he does not see tht he should. Being in the office is always more important than putting them to bed or having a meal together in the week. He always tells me it is a busy spell but it is always busy. maybe it is macho crap about not being the first one to leave but many of the people he works with do not have children.

With no family anywhere near it is me 5 days a week every week and i resent it. i really do not know how single parents do things well. I have shouted tonight a the children so clearly i am not doing well.

Clearly i am being unreasonable towards the children and shouting them is wrong but should i expect my husband to manage at least one night a week to ome home earlier and how generally do i stop feeling so fed up?

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dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 20:05

I'm sorry, that sounds really sucky, I'd be feeling really frustrated too.

How genuine do you think your DH is being about having to be at work? Does he have a long commute?

What time does he normally get home?

Could you put the DC to bed later? 7 sounds a bit early. I know it might seem counterintuitive to put them to bed later when you're already exhausted, but if it means your DH can help then maybe it's worth it?

Does he help in the mornings? or weekends?

Just wondering, if he genuinely can't come earlier, whether there are other things he might be able to do that would help you feel less fed up.

LexieSinclair · 23/07/2012 20:08

I feel for you Groundhog. My DC are nearly 5 and 2 and by the time I have had them all day I am frazzled by bedtime and my patience is really wearing thin. My DH is never home for tea time (they eat separately as they are hungry by 4.30-5) but he does try to get home to help with bedtime about 3 nights a week. If he is going to be home later he tries to let me know in the morning so I can gear myself up for it IYSWIM!
Have you tried telling DH how hard you are finding it and asking him to be home say 2 or 3 times a week to give you a hand? What time does he usually get home?

Original poster

groundhog101 · 23/07/2012 20:16

thank you for the posts. it varies but he is home 7.30pm maybe 8pm and tonight not until maybe 9.30pm. The children will be at kindergarten (austria) from 7.30am until 12.30pm from august so they will need to go to bed early. yes he helps at the weekend but obviously mornings are just getting dressed, breakfast and out.
I cannot face them being up later as i am on my own so much and from august they will need to go to be early.

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Original poster

groundhog101 · 23/07/2012 20:17

15 mins to work. he does work in an interntional dept so with americans so late for us but the blackberry is ever present when home so it never stops.

OP posts:

EclecticShock · 23/07/2012 20:18

I kept discussing this with my partner and e now makes it home at bedtime to put to bed. Unfortunately, some jobs can be really difficult to leave at that time...

COCKadoodledooo · 23/07/2012 20:18

Nope, not in term time anyway. Then again neither am I 3 days a week - dc eat at nursery/childminder. Bedtime we're all here for, though once a fortnight or so depending on what's on at school dh will be home well past bedtime (mine too!).

Used to it now, it's just the way things are. Is easier than in his old job when he was overseas a lot and much much easier than when he was at uni 200 miles away and I was home Sunday to Friday with a 5yo and a newborn!

Original poster

groundhog101 · 23/07/2012 20:19

he helps a lot at the weekend but it is not good for me to want to be on my own at the weekend not good for family life

OP posts:

Margerykemp · 23/07/2012 20:21

could he get them up even earlier in the morning and spend an hour with them alone while you sleep in?

hermioneweasley · 23/07/2012 20:23

Hmm, I work in an international role at a senior level and have a 45/50 minute commute and I am home by 7 (usually) 4 nights out of 5. I usually continue work when I get home, after I've helped put kids to bed. It is about choices. Having said that, in this climate (and I don't know how it is in austria) it may be possible that he doesn't feel now is the time to start being a family role model.

LexieSinclair · 23/07/2012 20:24

Could you come to an arrangement with him where he is home for 6 2 nights a week and can work late the others? And when he's home at 6 he can do bedtimes while you do other jobs, or put your feet up? Or does his job not allow that?

poshbird1 · 23/07/2012 20:26

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Trazzletoes · 23/07/2012 20:28

I really really feel your pain. My DH was exactly like this until a few months ago. DS is 2.10 now and DD is now 6 months. For the first 18 months of DS's life, DH spent 2 nights a week at the other end of the country, worked late most other nights. After that, worked an hour away 5 days a week, normally home at 9pm. We had to sit down and have a proper talk about how impossible I was finding it and how much I resented it. He felt that, to be a good father, he needed to provide for his family and so work as hard as poss to get payrise/promotion whereas I think it's more important to provide emotional support and actually have a relationship with the children.

Fortunately another job came up which he was able to get which means very little travel and he's now home before bathtime every night. For us, it took a very serious talk explaining I felt he was letting us down and not caring about his family. We were lucky he could change jobs, and I know I'm really lucky... I know you've said you've talked to OH, but is he really really aware of what this is doing to you, and to your relationship with the children?

dreamingbohemian · 23/07/2012 20:29

Hmm. I think if I were in your situation, I'd be asking DH to get them up in the mornings, breakfast, and take them to school. (Not entirely on his own perhaps, but you could stay in your PJs and he would do the school run at least.) Then you would do the evening routine. That would also give him some time with the DC. I mean, aside from how draining it is for you, does he not mind never seeing his DC in the evenings?

I also think it's entirely fair that you get some 'me time' at the weekends. I hear what you're saying, you can't disappear all weekend, but you need some time to recharge and there's no reason every minute of the weekend has to be family time.

turkeyboots · 23/07/2012 20:39

We both work and 4 days of the week one of us isn't home til past 8. DH does most late nights and so does most mornings to spend time with the DCs. They a similar age to yous, and up at 5.30 most mornings, so you have my sympathies. Work is my break!

MrsRogerSterling · 23/07/2012 21:46

Dh is never home for tea or bedtimes. I have dd1 who is 5 and dd2 who is 11 months. It has always been this way and at times, particularly when dd2 was newborn it is difficult but you get used to it. He is away for 5 weeks now, dd1 has broken up from school and I feel like the weekdays are just going to blend into the weekends as I am on my own with the 2 of them all the time!

DownyEmerald · 23/07/2012 21:56

This might sound a bit mad, but as he is close, could he come back to give them tea and bed maybe two nights a week and go back to work to talk to Americans?

He is missing out on a better relationship with them, I know dp's relationship with dd improved hugely once he actually started doing some of the routine stuff, and he had no idea before what he was missing out on.

And you have my sympathy - I am frazzled by bedtime when with dd all day, and I have been horrible to her in the past when she couldn't sleep. I did always apologise though.

emmyloo2 · 24/07/2012 07:29

We both work and almost every night we are both home by 5.30pm in time for either dinner for our DS (who is 20 months) and certainly by bath time. Occasionally (maybe once a week at most) my DH will not be home until just before my son's bedtime but that is reasonably rare. I have not been home for bedtime myself probably 3 times in 20 months.

I couldn't stand it TBH if he wasn't. And more so if I was home all day with the kids. I would be expecting him home and taking them off my hands.

I guess that's why I like it that we both work because we share the load.

I feel for you - it must be very tough.

Jinsei · 24/07/2012 07:44

Hmm, sounds like you'll have plenty of time for yourself from August, as your kids will be in kindergarten from 7.30 to 12.30. If you have five child-free hours every morning, you won't be so tired by 6pm, so you'll be able to do the bedtime routine and then you and DH can both relax in the evenings. Or have I misunderstood?

As for the weekends, again, you won't need loads of time on your own as it sounds like your DH pulls his weight when he's around, and you'll have had plenty of me-time already in the week, no?

I know it might be hard right now, but looks like it will sort itself out by august, so don't really get the problem.

Original poster

groundhog101 · 24/07/2012 07:45

thank you for your replies. had a massive row when he got back from work last night. i was unfair as he does have an important week and everything got on top of me. a lot of it is tiredness - i drag myself through the days sometimes not enjoying myself and need a definedend to my day. i have an appt for counsellng the end of august and need to address properly how i behave.

OP posts:

Original poster

groundhog101 · 24/07/2012 07:45

defined end to my day

OP posts:

Jinsei · 24/07/2012 07:53

OP, you sound really unhappy. I hope the counselling helps. If being a SAHM doesn't suit you, is there any way you could get a job as well? Or could you do voluntary work of some kind while the kids are at kindergarten? Sounds like you need something that gives you a life outside the home...

Margerykemp · 24/07/2012 09:10

Did he tell you "you need to address how you behave" ? That is setting off alarm bells for me, he sounded selfish and ignorant at first- now he sounds abusive. A relationship is a 2 way street. He can't blame everything on you. He hasn't been around much and that is effecting how you "behave"- he has to take partial responsibility for this.

ceeveebee · 24/07/2012 09:26

My DH is rarely home before the DTs are in bed (8 mo twins) and so we have a mothers help to come and help with bath and bedtime 3 afternoons a week. Can you get some paid help if he can't be home?

Or can you DH come home before 630-7 and help, then work remotely when they are in bed? This is what I plan to do when I go back to work in October otherwise they will not see either parent in the evening which would be very

suburbandweller · 24/07/2012 10:13

My DH hardly ever gets home before 18mo DS goes to bed, and neither would I if I didn't have a flexible working arrangement which allows me to leave work in time to collect him from nursery around 6-6.30pm three days a week. That's just the reality of some jobs, and not necessarily about choice. My DH would love to be able to leave early every night to see DS before he goes to sleep, but it's just not possible. I don't view that as selfish - he's working hard to support our family. I think it's easy to resent the working partner if you are struggling at home as you don't have the "escape" of work - for me being at home with my DS was much harder than working full time in the city.

OP, I'm sure things will improve when you have some more time to yourself in August. It really sounds as though you need a break. Maybe you should ask your DH to take the children out for a day at the weekend - I know it's your family time but you will appreciate it more if you aren't too knackered to enjoy it.

HappyAsASandboy · 24/07/2012 11:29

DH is never home for the children's tea in the week. He gets home just before/after they've finally home to sleep just before 8pm.

Two nights a week neither of us are home for their tea - my mum is with them and feed them then puts them to bed.

Three nights a week I do tea and bed after collecting from nursery or being at home all day.

My DHs end of the bargain is that he does the two/three mornings - he gets them both up and dressed and drops them off at nursery in time for breakfast.

We try to eat together at weekends!

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