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Original poster

stressed by other people's kids "saying sorry"

51 replies

hippyhappymummy · 09/07/2012 13:58

My ds 20mths was at a sort of toddler gym type place. He was getting on some equipment when an older child (maybe 3y) came up and roughly pushed him off onto the hard gym floor.

As might be expected my ds screamed. So I went to comfort him. The other mum seeing this told her son to say sorry (not told him off - just told him to say he was sorry). He came up to me and my son and started sort of patting/hitting my son very hard - my son didn't like this at all and it upset him more.

My ds was far to upset to want an apology even if he was at the development stage of understanding one (he isn't).

This has happened a few times - my child has been deliberately hurt by anotehr and then when comforting my son I've had to deal with another child "sayng sorry".

why do parents do this - I guess it is for their own child as it just tends to make the sit worse for me and my child.

OP posts:

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kilmuir · 09/07/2012 14:00

What do you want them to do?
I think saying sorry is a good thing

YouOldSlag · 09/07/2012 14:01

Well at least they're saying sorry and not just shrugging it off with a roll of the eyes!

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 09/07/2012 14:01

Because it's a good thing to say sorry to someone you've hurt/upset? They're toddlers, they do it in a slightly cack-handed way sometimes.

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TobyLerone · 09/07/2012 14:01

Of course it's for the other child. They have to learn that they need to apologise if they hurt someone.

Mintyy · 09/07/2012 14:02

Try not to get stressed about this ... far worse things will be said to you/your ds in your parenting career. You need to accept very early on that other people parent in a different way to you.

Mollydoggerson · 09/07/2012 14:02

You might be doing this yourself in another year or two.

I suppose it is to explain cause and effect and to teach the naughty child that they must lament bad behaviour. It assists them in recognising what is not acceptable behaviour in our society.

ilooklikegrotbagstoday · 09/07/2012 14:04

Would you rather the other child wasn't told to say sorry and shoved your child over again?

I think too many children aren't taught to say sorry, please or thank you anymore.

Sirzy · 09/07/2012 14:05

Why do parents encourage their children to say sorry? Do you really have to ask that?

Bundlejoycosysweet · 09/07/2012 14:07

Put yourselves in the other parents place? When your child is a bit older and hurts someone else would you not make them say sorry?

I admit I make my kids say sorry (I tell them off for the offence first) as I think it makes them more empathetic. Kids are always bashing each other in play either on purpose or by accident and saying sorry is something kids need to learn.

I know it seems awful when your LO is crying cos they are hurt and you just want to comfort them, but they also need to learn about how to handle these situations as it will happen a lot more as they get older, so hearing an apology is useful.

hazeyjane · 09/07/2012 14:08

It is the opposite that annoys me, when people don't teach their dcs to say sorry. Surely it's important to teach them to consider people other than themselves, even if they are only 20 months old (so hopefully the children apologising to your ds are teaching him an important lesson!)

Herrena · 09/07/2012 14:09

I can kind of see where you're coming from (you have a crying child which you are trying to comfort and then you have the social obligation of nodding through the other child's apology which may or may not be heartfelt) but surely it's good that the other child realises there are consequences to their actions.

In an ideal world their mum would give them, say, a 2 minute talking-to and then bring them over to apologise, by which time your DC may have calmed down and you'll be less stressed.

It's not going to happen though, sorry! Try to be grateful if they apologise at all.... :)

tara0202 · 09/07/2012 14:10

On the couple of occasions my 3 year old dd has done something naughty affecting another child I've taken her to that child to say sorry.

Each time the other parent has accepted this graciously (as have I when its happened in reverse).

I don't ask her to hug or anything like that, just a "I'm sorry I took that toy away from you" type thing.

I think its good manners and shows as a parent you're trying to teach your dc how to behave.

I really think you'll find yourself doing it too in a year or so!

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 14:11

This bugs me too, op. especially when they tell their DZc to hug yours!

tara0202 · 09/07/2012 14:13

Ps I.do also tell dd off first before she goes to apologise.

Original poster

hippyhappymummy · 09/07/2012 14:14

I can understand a sorry a bit later (maybe when my child has stopped crying so much).

But if my child gets deliberately wacked having the other child patting them/whatever just upsets him more. Shouldn't the other child not beyou told off or something first.

As it has happend a few times it's just them seeing they've wacked him and then telling them to say sorry with no comment on behaviour.

Sometimes (which I understand better) it is a dispute about a toy or something but at the weekend a child just pushed him over in the mud from behind and then the incident which the child just gratutiously pushing him off the apparatus.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 09/07/2012 14:16

If your dealing with your child how do you know what the parents have said to their child?

Sending them along later is pretty pointless as young children live in the moment, an apology has to be done pretty soon after to have any meaning to the child.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2012 14:17

If your child is being pushed over all the time and you don't think asking the other to say 'sorry' is adequate, it's probably best to stay home

Original poster

hippyhappymummy · 09/07/2012 16:10

I am going towards my child and I can here the other parent saying "say sorry". so I know what the other parent has said to their child.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 09/07/2012 16:16

Perhaps they speak to them more after? I really don't get how encouraging a child to apologise when they have done wrong is a bad thing?

I would much rather that than children grow up never apologising

hazeyjane · 09/07/2012 16:25

sirzy is right, waiting until later is pointless. The child won't be aware of what it is apologising for by then.

eastendywendy · 09/07/2012 16:32

Oh the innocence of only having one young, non hitting toddler.

Viviennemary · 09/07/2012 16:34

I can only see it as a good thing if small children are taught to say sorry if they hurt somebody.

ImaCleverClogs · 09/07/2012 21:24

Well I'm with you op. I hate the say you're sorry thing. The few times ds has been on the receiving end its very clear to everyone the other child is NOT sorry in the slightest and is being forced into it. Embarrassing for all concerned. I've seen other children do a sarcastic "Sorrreeeee" which is even worse.

How is saying a magic word when you've done wrong teaching you not to do it? Perhaps it teaches you you can do what you want as long as you say sorry after? Surely you learn empathy from talking about feelings, consequences not parroting a phrase your parent feeds you.

I'm all for saying sorry if you mean it, you genuinely regret doing it because you realise it was wrong and hurtful, not becasue you have been frogmarched over.

Original poster

hippyhappymummy · 09/07/2012 22:24

Thank you ImaCleverClogs you've expressed things much better than I did (I guess that is why you are called clever!)

What annoys me is when the chold does something deliberately - clearly isn't sorry then the parent gives them the impression that saying sorry is all they need to do as a sort of "get out of jail free card".

And like I said, it often just adds to my ds' distress having the child who just hit him "in his face" again so to speak.

Have just reread my other posts - apologies for the spelling/grammar errors - was on my phone and spelling not really my strong point anyway..

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 09/07/2012 22:58

Op- what do you WANT to happen, if sorry isn't good enough?

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