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Original poster

stressed by other people's kids "saying sorry"

51 replies

hippyhappymummy · 09/07/2012 13:58

My ds 20mths was at a sort of toddler gym type place. He was getting on some equipment when an older child (maybe 3y) came up and roughly pushed him off onto the hard gym floor.

As might be expected my ds screamed. So I went to comfort him. The other mum seeing this told her son to say sorry (not told him off - just told him to say he was sorry). He came up to me and my son and started sort of patting/hitting my son very hard - my son didn't like this at all and it upset him more.

My ds was far to upset to want an apology even if he was at the development stage of understanding one (he isn't).

This has happened a few times - my child has been deliberately hurt by anotehr and then when comforting my son I've had to deal with another child "sayng sorry".

why do parents do this - I guess it is for their own child as it just tends to make the sit worse for me and my child.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ImaCleverClogs · 09/07/2012 23:05

(Clever Clogs is supposed to be ironic, honestly! Ds will only accept Peppa Pig and loves those stupid elephants).

Have you read Unconditional Parenting? I'd felt uncomfortable about sorry from a couple of occasions with ds being deliberately hurt, plus I have very clear memories of not being bloody sorry at all as a child, and there is a bit in the book that articulates it very well.

ImaCleverClogs · 09/07/2012 23:16

Personally I'd like to be left alone to comfort my child, not stand there awkwardly waiting to acknowledge the other child's faux apology while ds is crying and flailing.

I'd be quite happy with a "Urgh, what are they like..." type look from the parent or them asking if ds was ok, once they have finished talking to their child. Modelling pleasant behaviour rather than extracting it with a pitchfork.

WhatSuitTitSuit · 09/07/2012 23:30

Doesn't matter what you do you'll always get it wrong sometimes.
Make child apologise, don't make child apologise.
Some will complain if child apologises, some will complain if child doesn't apologise. Can't bloody please everyone.
I do get what you're saying though.

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Sirzy · 09/07/2012 23:50

Child says sorry, you say "ok" parent talks to child you calm your child I really can't see why that would be an issue?

Of course children should be encouraged to apologise when they have hurt others. If they didn't people would be on here complaining about parents who let their children run wild etc etc.

modifiedmum · 10/07/2012 00:00

I understand. Archie is nearly 3 and is at the "don't share" stage. This is how i deal with things, like the other day at a play centre a child was playing with some scooter thing, archie goes over and practically barges child out the way and other child gets upset. I see this, give scooter back to other child, tell archie he has to share and its not nice to just take things off other kids, usually get the wobbly lip and him looking at me with puppy eyes but i think its important he knows WHAT he has done is wrong then i get him to say sorry. It wouldn't do any good me just marching over archie to the crying kid and the parents near by saying sorry then thats it, he needed to know why the kid was crying and why i was intervening. he is getting better slowly at sharing thankfully!

YouOldSlag · 10/07/2012 08:06

but modified- people do that anyway when they ask their child to say sorry- they say- (for example) "hitting is naughty, it hurts people, say sorry please".

Personally I think kids should say sorry even if they don't understand it yet. After all you make them say please and thank without them really getting that a mannered society is a civilised one! Sorry should become a habit early on.

glastocat · 10/07/2012 08:09

Toddlers need to be told pretty much immediately to apologise though, or they just don't get it.

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/07/2012 08:14

I'm confused why this is an issue. Kid coming over to apologise can be helpful in comforting a small child ("see, he didn't realise bashing you on the head would hurt you, he's come to say sorry so let's all play nicely now"). Apologies, even if a bit forced, are better than letting the behaviour go unchallenged, no?

OP - what would you rather the parents do?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 08:24

So what do you want exactly? Fixed on-the-spot fines? Handcuffs? The offending toddler's signature on a full confession? Toddler play is nasty, brutish and short. You whip yours out of the way if anyone starts getting aggressive. You ask the children to 'say sorry', 'be friends' and 'play nicely'. It's damage limitation, not a court of law.

raininginbaltimore · 10/07/2012 08:29

I hate to say this too (as I was a bit smug about it myself) but your child will snatch, hit, push and possibly bite other children in similar situations in a year or so. I know you think they won't, but they will!

How will you deal with it?

Original poster

hippyhappymummy · 10/07/2012 08:47

ok thanks for replies.

what I would have preferred would be to have been able to comfort my child in peace without having to deal with another child patting him quite hard. This made my child even more upset than he was already.

My child might harm others in the future - when he's hurt others (accidentally) in the past I've apologised immediately and got the other mother if necessary but would not then get in the way so to speak having my child patting their child / whatever when really all their child wanted was their mummy.

will take child over to apologise when the other has calmed down a bit though if it seems appropriate (my ds can't really speak at moment though).

OP posts:

Sirzy · 10/07/2012 09:00

A child saying sorry is hardly getting in the way I really do think your making this a much bigger issue than it needs to be.

Lougle · 10/07/2012 09:30

I do think there is a difference between asking your child to say 'sorry' (whether that is the actual word or the sign) and asking them to 'give them a hug to say sorry' etc.

My Sister encourages her son to 'give her a hug' to say sorry. I sometimes have to say 'ermm...DD doesn't really want to be hugged right now, she's just been pushed over'.

I think sorry should be a non-contact sport

matana · 10/07/2012 09:36

They do it because they have a duty of care and responsibility to their child, just as you have to yours. They are trying to teach their child that their actions have consequences for others. Tbh, unless my DS is really hurt (bloody nose, bump on head or whatever) i tend to teach him to pick himself up, dust himself off and that he's actually ok. The apology from the other child (which is often as much an apology from the other child's parent) is an appreciated bonus. Children learn as much from their peers as they do from their parents, so witnessing an apology from another child is actually quite a strong message to a young child. By all means comfort your child, but perhaps you are dwelling too much on the hurt that has been caused to him. Imo forgiveness is also an important lesson and you can't begin too early.

ImaCleverClogs · 10/07/2012 09:40

Depends how long it takes the child to actually say sorry. I find those moments really drag because everyone is feeling a bit embarrassed and stressed.

OP has said she doesn't like it, she's entitled to feel that way. Lots of other posters don't, its just a difference of opinion. And the op does state that the other parent did not speak to the child about behaviour in this instance, just insisted on sorry.

I also disagree about the please/thank you comparison. Because usually they are in play in a neutral or pleasant situation - asking for another biscuit, receiving a birthday present. Not when a child has just done something wrong and is feeling ashamed and humiliated. Saying sorry should not be an automatic response like please imo, it should be something you say when you mean it (except perhaps when you accidentally bump into someone?)

matana · 10/07/2012 09:54

My point was, the OP asked why other parents do it and i have suggested a reason. The fact that there are different parenting styles only emphasises my point - the other parent believed they were doing the right thing (as do i) just as the OP believed it was wrong. Sometimes we all just have to take a deep breath and rise above it, whatever our beliefs. They say choose your battles with toddlers, but it's just as important to choose your battles with other parents! Fwiw i agree that those long, drawn out, embarrassing apologies probably do more harm than good. There is a need to know when to draw the line, put it down to experience, and move on.

Sirzy · 10/07/2012 10:07

I still don't see how if her son was so upset she can know exactly what the other parent did or didn't say to their child. If a parent cares enough to make them say sorry I very much doubt they would fail to do some sort of conversation about what they did wrong.

ScroobiousPip · 10/07/2012 10:10

OP - a 3 yo may seem very big and grown up compared to your DS but, really the difference isn't that great. 3yos still have the mind of a gnat, are still learning self-control and are still incredibly egocentric. Slightly more grown up than a 20month old, but only slightly! It is important that they learn to apologize, but wait 5 minutes and they will have forgotten the incident entirely. The telling off and apology needs to be immediate.

hazeyjane · 10/07/2012 12:10

I get what people are saying about meaning an apology, but that is something that is learnt as you get older, children of 3 don't tend to have much empathy. But hopefully if, from a young age you take your child over to say sorry when they have upset a child, and explain why they have upset the child and that that is not a nice thing to do, then that is how they will learn.

I do agree that hugging is a bit ott.

Ds is 2 and has delays in all areas, but if he has taken someones toy (he doesn't do hitting yet!) and the child is upset, I will help him to sign sorry, and explain very simply why.

Janoschi · 10/07/2012 12:15

Not quite the same thing but my brother innlaw's family never say please or thank you. DN is 4.

Typical occasion - DG offers a biscuit. DN says he wants it. DG asks 'what's the magic word?'. DN says 'now'.

BIL and family think it's really funny but I do think it's pretty rubbish myself. Though BIL and wife never say thank you either (a family with an over developed sense of entitlement), so it's obviously not modelled behaviour....

I doubt he'd say sorry either, actually.

I know what you mean about insincerity but I think it's a social nicety to do these things. It oils the path of life.

AdventuresWithVoles · 10/07/2012 14:02

I think what you're really upset about is lack of telling off, which is different from apologising. I know that telling DS2 off can backfire too easily, he loses self control completely (can't handle anyone's high emotions). So I have to work with what he can manage to do.

4yo DS3 shoved a baby over today.
I told him off & made him say sorry (included a hug in this case, the victim was completely ignoring him by this point anyway, so yes it was DS not for the victim).
I made him apologise to sharpen the point that he did wrong, to make him face up, & as a socially acceptable gesture of contrition.

I don't think the baby's mother even noticed any of it happen, though.

Iggly · 10/07/2012 14:39

When DS was younger, 2-3 year olds seemed like big scary articulate children.

DS is 2.9 and I chuckle as he's still so young!!

If he whacks someone, I do a quick "no, don't hit, say sorry". If I give a lengthy explanation he'll zone out, ask why then want to go and play football.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 10/07/2012 14:50

I think I get you OP.

Bigger kid pushes yours over. You hear a distant "ohh Jonny say sorry" (Usually accompanied with a tinkly 'oh isnt he a rascal' laugh) Little Jonny then proceeds to whack your child as an apology which only makes him howl louder.

What would be better is for Little Jonny to get a deserved bollocking for pushing someone else and then being made to apologise.

zozzle · 12/07/2012 12:12

My 18 DD month old could only say a few words, and a neighbour insisted she say thank you for a biscuit when we were round at their house. She went on and on and on - "what do you say, what do you say?" etc etc. In the end I had to say thank you for her. DD could barely speak ffs!!

valiumredhead · 12/07/2012 13:11

Oh the innocence of only having one young, non hitting toddler

Quite

Thant'll be you in a year or two, OP

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