step in or let her learn?

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

DD is 3.5. We recently moved house and where we now live there are about 10 or so kids who all play together outside. They range in age from 4 to maybe 8 or 9.

At first I was unhappy letting her go out to play as shes so young but they kept calling for her and so now she is allowed to go out aslong as she stays quite near the house.

Most of the other kids look out for her as she is the youngest, making sure she moves for cars (which are all aware of the kids...quiet cul de sac) and telling her to stay near hone.

But one of the older girls was swinging her by her arm quite violently last week. Then DD yesterday DD came back in and after some pushing said that the kids didnt like her.

When she went back out the same girl from last week was hitting her face with a tassle pom pom thing and was then repeatedly throwing a stone (the size of a tennis ball) at her.

I went out and asked the girl why she was doing this and she just turned her back and walked away.

I know my DD is only young, but do I keep stepping in, or accept that this happens and let DD learn how to stand up for herself?

See I do check her every ten mins. People on here seem to think I ship her out in the morning and dont see her again until bedtime. Shes out for three hours max and Im always checking/she comes in etc.

Thanks booki. Im trying to teach her to speak up and say stop it or to walk away. Most people think shes 5 as shes so tall and very articulate. Shes not "young" for her age if that makes sense.

Shes just never come up against people who dont like her before.

you asked for opinions, you got them. Either accept them or dont, just dont get pissy about it.

If you want to let your 3 year old play on what is essentially a road (quiet cul-de-sac or not) with older children who throw stones at her and swing her by her arm all for the sake of teaching her a lesson in how to stand up for herself, bearing in mind she is probably not long out of nappies ffs the so be it but if you are not ready to accept that other people see that as irresponsible then dont ask for other peoples thoughts on the matter.

We live in a similar sounding area to you, quiet street, lots of kids who play. There is a big green, my dd is also 3.5, but I would not let her out on her own, although she does ask sometimes because she does know all the children. I do however go put and let her scooter or go around the green on her bike for half hour every now and then, but with me or dh, def not on her own I'm afraid.

yes, my dd is exactly the same age, we also live on quiet cul-de-sac, and dd plays out regularly. But I hover, partly because at this age I cannot trust that she will not forget that she must be on the pavement when there is a car (she is very very good, but if there was a dog on the other side of the road, I couldn't be sure that she wouldn't forget), but primarily because it is not fair on the older (lovely, though they are) children on the street to expect them to mind her and take responsibility for her safety. Additionally, she is not actually able to play with them really - they are all in school together, and she is very much on the outside. She observes, and learns.

I am far from over-protective, but I am not sure that a 3.5 year old really can stand up for herself against a much older and much bigger child - mind you, my dd finds it hard even with kids her own age (partly because she is very physically small)

I would step in, myself, and ensure that the other children know that you (or another adult) is around if little children are playing out. The kids here know there will be an adult the minute the under-5s appear (probably another reason why they don't want to play with them!)

Yes I did ask for opinions, on stepping in. Not whether I should let her out or not.

That is a decision that was made by me, her SD, her father and her SM. None of you know my child or the area in which we live. You do not know what measures are put in place for her safety. Or indeed the fact that her father and SM also live here. So she has four adults looking out for her.

I was simply asking how to promote her defending herself.

She's 3 1/2. She should have you (or another adult) there to defend her surely. That's why you're getting the response you are in answer to your question.

You are doing nothing wrong by letting your daughter play out. That is all.

my 3.5 year old is in nursery, sometimes she gets hit, sometimes she hits others, and the nursery teachers cant always see everywhere at once. I have taught her to shout loudly "NO X DONT HIT ME< IT IS NOT NICE" and failing that hit back

I think it's fine for her to play out - to be encouraged if you live on a safe street; but if you have 4 adults to look out for her, I still think that one of them needs to be able to see her when she is outside...I let dd run up and down and she will go some distance from me - or go into a neighbour's garden. I let this happen if I know that there is an adult that I know and trust there - but wouldn't expect them to keep an eye on her for more than a few minutes.

I think stepping in in this situation inevitably involves loosely supervising her.

but nailak in the nursery context the other children are your child's peers - that isn't the case there, which is why I think some intervention is required

I think she is too young to negotiate this group of older friends. Their ideas of play, language, physical abilities are all above your dd's, even if she is advanced in her speech. You might also be expecting too much of them to play sensitively with a little girl that much younger.

At nursery, the activities will be set up for her age group, she will be with her peers, there will be appropriate adults there whose presence governs the actions of others . And through this supportive group dd will learn to negotiate friendships, ready for school.

I really do understand where you are all coming from. But I resent being called irresponsible for wanting my child to be out playing instead of sitting inside with her face up against the window watching.

The physical difference between her and this girl isnt that extreme as my DD is very tall for her age. And she has already punched a little boy who pushed her off a chair in a hospital waiting room. He was older and she held her own there.

When she goes to preschool there will be 29 other kids in her class and the teachers arent going to see everything. I dont want her not knowing how to handle situations like this. Its a fact of life and keeping her from it doesnt seem a good idea to me.

Are the 30 going to be all in the room at the same time, or staggered? What's the staff ratio. The reason why I ask is that usually preschool is amongst where they foster independence, in a supportive way. Is it really going to be a free-for-all?

I can see why playing out in a mixed group might me nice, trusting the older ones to look after dd but that's also a bit unfair, as you are unasked giving them responsibility they might not want or able to do. Throwing stones at her is particularly concerning, suggesting one at least doesn't want her there/more capable of hurting dd. And I doubt she's only thrown stones, there's probably been some other unpleasantness leading up to this.

I can understand your desire for dd to attain social skills and assert herself, but what is she going to learn here? It sounds rather a baptism of fire. Is there an option to invite 2 or maybe 3 that you like to play in the garden?

If the only options are you supervise or not, then definitely supervise.

The ratio is 8:1 as far as I remember and they arent staggered.

Most of the kids outside are 4 or 5 and they call for her everyday. They play simple games and from the conversations I have heard talk about the same things DD talks about. Its just this one girl who has the issue.

She needs encouragement to play with other kids and not stick with adults which is why I feel she shouldnt spend the rest of the summer sitting indoors just because of some bully.

tbh I would talk to the girl. My dds dont play out, as I dont trust them around traffic yet at 5 and 3.5, but if I was at the park etc and this happened I would talk to the girl and ask her what she was doing, in a firm but not confrontational manner.

I can't actually believe you are considering letting your 3.5 year old fend for herself when she is having rocks thrown at her!!!! PLUS far too young to be out on her own when there are cars around anyway!!!!!

Even if not at her head if anyone threw stones at my DD at any time is step in. Imagine a 20yo threw them at your 10yo, same thing imo.

I'm also a bit at the pushing incident - whilst you want children to stand up for themselves, I'm not sure that retaliating with a punch is the way to go...my dd does hit sometimes, but it's usually a swipe with the flat of her hand, and tbh I've never seen her do to anyone other than us or her sister (which doesn't make it OK). I would want to encourage her to hold her own without violence - so she needs strategies.

I think you might be missing the point of some of these responses - playing out and intervening are not either/or - if you want her to play out (which you clearly do) then you have to accept that she needs some adult supervision whilst she does so.

Where are you when your DD wants to go out to play with these children? Can you not get out there and potter around in the garden and supervise from a distance, OP?

It isn't fair on the other children to be left babysitting your child, I'm afraid.

I just haven't heard of someone just leaving their 3.5y out playing with older children (except with maybe their own siblings).

Im usually lying on the sofa (due to being on bed rest with placenta previa) watching her out the window.

The boy who pushed her off the chair was extremely rough and while I dont believe in or encourage violence Im glad she did what she did.

I didnt ask whether I should let her out, thats my decision. Im sure you all do things I disagree with. I was simply asking how to best help her defend herself. When she starts primary school there will be older kids who want to bully the little ones (I have personal experience of this) and I want her to be prepared. My mother left me to it with no support and while I will never do that to DD I cannot be there at all times.

If that makes me irresponsible then sod it. Im irresponsible.

Agreed it would be a shame for her to have to stay in all summer. But it sounds like an adult will have to be out there with her to supervise her and teach her how to cope and make sure the older child that you mentioned (and who your dd couldn't possibly defend herself against by the sound of it) doesn't hurt her. Pain in the arse obviously but thats the nature of life with small children. Can you take it in turns between the four of you to go out for half an hour here and there?

Really don't think there is much comparison to preschool where they are the same age and being taught by the staff there how to get on/share/resolve conflict/say sorry etc

Sorry about the situation you are in with your pregnancy OP, that cannot be easy for you :(

I just feel that supervising her would be the best option all round if you really want her to go outdoors (as it should be in this warm weather). Getting them outdoors is wise rather than watching TV.

It's a pain having to supervise them but that really is what it's about at that age. Personally I'd be supervising mine if they were outdoors. You just don't know what may happen. They don't really need to get tough at that age, your DD will be learning about the world and it needs to be done in a safe environment where she won't be at any great harm (nursery setting). They learn a lot of their social skills there, won't be long til your DD is going to nursery. Learning to share amongst peers, learning about conflict amongst peers is a bit more appropriate for your DD, IMO.

In addition to what others have said (no need for me to repeat, i'm sure you get the message) i have to say that if i saw anyone behaving like that towards anyone, regardless of age, i'd step in. The fact that she's your daughter and presumably you want her to stand up for herself changes nothing. I couldn't stand by and watch my DS get shoved around, though i'd also teach him some skills to deal with it himself as he got older.

sorry you are on bed rest - that would make this all the more trying to handle, I can see. I agree that they need to learn to handle stuff for themselves, but sometimes that means showing them what to do or say when things go wrong - I wouldn't just leave my dd to it, because I know that she doesn't have the skills to do it herself. If you are confident that your dd can cope, then that's your decision - and only you can know this about her.

We have tried with the showinvg and telling her what to do. And I have no intention of sitting by and letting her get hurt. But the incident with the boy was a strange one off.

DD just doesnt seem to have any backbone when challenged. I know shes young still, but once in a soft play area a girl younger than her tried to literally scratch her eyes out and while me and the other girls mum were trying to get them separated (they were on a bouncy castle) DD just lay there. Didnt even attempt to cover her face.

Im just worried because she seems to be a target and at what point is she going to stand up for herself if I keep doing it for her.

I also cant figure out why shes a target...maybe kids can just sense these things.