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Original poster

My friend really means this about her family. I'm strangely shocked...

38 replies

TouTou · 05/07/2012 18:18

Am I abnormal for feeling this way, but I was a little amazed when my new-ish friend has told me that she 'likes spending any spare moment at the weekend as a complete family'. And that she has never been away from her DCs (ages 5 and 7) for even a day.

I totally respect and admire my friends desire to spend every spare minute with her family, but I still find it...not strange...but self-flagellating at times. (her kids are like mine, nice, but bickery)

I mean - I love my family, but I crave time away by myself, or just my DH.

I finally saw IRL what you see on MN quite often, where there are camps of people who will happily go on holidays without the DCs and the other camp who think that is verging on abusive.
It's the first time I've met someone who feels this way. Which camp are you in?

OP posts:

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Hulababy · 05/07/2012 18:22

I'm not in either camp tbh.

I love spending time with my 10y DD and with my DH. We spend a lot of time as a family and enjoy it, we have great family holidays, days out and just chill days,

I wouldn't want to go on holiday without DD, neither would DH. But we do have fairly regular time without DD - this weekend for instance DD is spending the weekend with my sister and me and Dh are going away overnight, out for a meal, drinks, etc. And we get out a fair bit in between too. And DD is out a fair bit as well - parties, residential trips, etc.

Original poster

TouTou · 05/07/2012 18:26

Hula - I think you sound like me. I love being with the DCs and DH, but the idea of going away overnight with DH sounds blissful.

The way my friend put it, she didn't want her DCs going for a sleepovers because she wants to always be as a family somewhere. She's not been for a day alone with her DH since the day the DCs were born. I found that a bit amazing, the idea that they are like The Borg, always as one.
She's nice otherwise.

OP posts:

FallenCaryatid · 05/07/2012 18:27

Don't her children go to school?

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luckysocks · 05/07/2012 18:28

Both!

I seem to have developed two distinct personalities since having kids - the part of me CRAVING space/adult time and the part of me who feels like I've had a vital organ removed without my babies.

For example... arranged night at hotel with DH (pre-DD). Very very excited. Cried in the toilet at 3am because I wanted to be there when DS woke up.

Work is a real pain - there are a few things I really want to do, but which involve me staying away from home for between a couple of nights and a week at various points. I can't do it. But I really want to do the work. But I can't leave them. But I really want the work. And so on and so on.

It's a constant battle.... :)

CMOTDibbler · 05/07/2012 18:29

I like to spend all non working time with DH and DS, but then I work ft and travel for work, so its precious time.
We have very little time as a couple without ds, but thats fine. And is due to not having anyone willing to have him except one lovely friend.

ShowOfHands · 05/07/2012 18:33

I've only been away from dd a couple of times. One due to a trip on my 30th (and I hated it) and also when in hospital having her brother.

There's nothing wrong with doing things either way as long as...

... the whole family is happy and in agreement

... you don't believe your way to be the only way

Original poster

TouTou · 05/07/2012 18:34

Fallen - yes, they do. So she feels every moment of free time is precious and they want to spend it as a family, probably like CMOT.

But I'm in the same situation and if DH wants to take the kids to the park without me at the weekend so I can watch Revenge catch up on housework, I'd be thrilled. My friend would have all of them go to the park. Or if someone would have both of them for playtime so DH and I can go out for brunch or a film, even better. We still would have a day and a half to get on each others nerves spend en famille.

OP posts:

MinnieBar · 05/07/2012 18:34

Both here too. I seem to spend a lot of my time desperate for some physical and head space, and then if/when I get it I miss them. And then when I pick them up, within five minutes I'm usually thinking 'FGS, I wish I'd had longer'

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2012 18:36

I am comfortable around my family but I do enjoy time to myself when I get it. I really really enjoy it.

Original poster

TouTou · 05/07/2012 18:36

Show of Hands. I think I'm not believing my way is the only way, quite the contrary, I'm quite jealous really of how...devoted their family is and wonder why I can't feel that way and look forward to time alone or with DH.

I do wonder how her DH feels that way about it as well. Would be interesting to find out. I guess he must do.

OP posts:

Original poster

TouTou · 05/07/2012 18:38

Mini and zzzzzen - exactly that! Whenever I am away from them I miss them, but as soon as they start bickering or quibbling over something, I think...hmmm...a few more hours would have been nice.

She must just have a part of her brain that she can go to which has a 'quiet place'.

OP posts:

SPsFanjoLovesRussellHoward · 05/07/2012 18:40

I get about 3 days if lucky where I'm child free as my son goes to his dads. Sometimes its one day a week up to 3.

I enjoy having time alone but it gets boring spending day and night alone.

ShowOfHands · 05/07/2012 19:24

Oh no I didn't think you thought your way was the only way iyswim. Was just qualifying my own opinion on the matter.

I'm v fortunate that ds isn't old enough to bicker and dd is biddable and generally lovely so I don't yet crave time alone. Given the fact that ds is only 10mo and already v wilful and extremely obstinate, this may change.

Flyonthewindscreen · 05/07/2012 19:24

I think your friend may have a shock in a few years when her DC are a little older and want to spend time after school and at weekends with their friends or doing non family activities! My DC are 8 and 10 and I find it surprising how much time they want to spend already not as a "complete family" but having fun with their friends.

Original poster

TouTou · 05/07/2012 19:26

Showof - Don't worry, I totally got what you meant! It will be interesting to see how you get on with 2 DCs now. I've always thought that perhaps we should have been a one DC family as we only seem to function well when we outnumber the DCs.

Kamer, you might well be right! I was thinking the same thing. I can imagine when the youngest has left for uni my friend turning to her DH and saying 'and you are?'

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 05/07/2012 19:30

im in no camp
do what i have to do to maintain career, see kids,amd be happy together

TheWalkingDead · 05/07/2012 19:46

I love spending time with my 2DSs and DH - sometimes it can be a bit fraught as they are both still little (3.6 and 1.5) so we still have to lug a bit of stuff around and use a pushchair, but when we're having a good time as a family either in or out, it's great and I love seeing everyone all together.

However, I love my time with DH - we are lucky that we have my DBIL living with us and he listens out for them in the evening so we can go out, and my DM and DF live about a minute away and have pre-DS2 and post DS2 taken DS1 out for the day, as well as 2 nights camping a couple of counties away. Think it'll be a while before my parents take both DSs though, but if they ever do I hope to be able to go overnight somewhere with DH, been thinking a night or two in London.....

I also love time alone and feel like I come back refreshed and find I enjoy family time more after a bit of time indulging in what I want to do, rather than running to my family's schedule.

matana · 05/07/2012 20:05

I wouldn't like to go on holiday without my DS, no. But then i work FT and cherish every minute i spend with him. DH and i have spoken about a weekend away together, just the two of us, but tbh my stomach dips a bit at the thought (not a weekend with DH, but a weekend without DS). He's stayed overnight at my parents' and my sister's house but that's about all i'm happy with for now. He's 19mo. We both enjoy having him around as much as possible. I think i'll chill out a bit more as he gets older though and can tell me how he's feeling and who he wants to see etc.

matana · 05/07/2012 20:07

And i spend most of any time i have alone, thinking how much i miss my little family (though admittedly it's nice to read a book in peace occasionally)

SueHeck · 05/07/2012 20:08

Much as I love my children, they are mine for a very, very short space of time.

My husband, however is here for life and if you neglect your marriage and couple time you have years to regret it during which time your kids are away not giving you a second thought.

EdithWeston · 05/07/2012 20:10

There's no need to divide into "camps"; it's not a set of opposing armies!

Can't everyone just do what they like?

(And wasn't there thread a week or so ago from the parent of children the same age as those mentioned in OP, who thought people were weird for not wanting to spend all their timetogether as a family?)

bigkidsdidit · 05/07/2012 20:11

DS has been away from is once, with my mum for a night while we went to a wedding. I hated it :( so we aren't going to do it again and have declined two wedding invitations this summer as he is NFI

I think for us it's as we both work and try to stagger our hours as much as poss sk DS is with the CM less, meaning we don't have tons of time as a family!

And I hated going out anyway, I was so relieved to get pregnant and realise I need never go out again :)

susiedaisy · 05/07/2012 20:12

I have always had a foot in each camp!

TheArmadillo · 05/07/2012 20:13

Although I enjoy the break I get at my (part time) job, I don't really like being apart from the kids.

They stay with ILs for the night maybe 3- 4 times a year max, which is fun for them but I miss them (though getting better). I wouldn't let them stay with anyone else and I only let family babysit (and then only PIL or SIL). But there are reasons for this.

Weekends we spend as a family - often with friends and extended family as well. We would probably go to the park as a family. Sometimes PIL take them out for an hour or 2 on the weekend but at their request not ours.

I am aware that mine are young and as they get older they will want to spend more time with friends so am making the most of it now. They enjoy it and have no problems spending their time together with us - my kids get on really well (so far).

My family were always shouting at each other and being nasty or picking on me one person. I like it that me, dh and dc enjoy spending time together and have fun and almost no shouting/nastiness.

But I don't judge those who do it differently - it's what suits your set up.

Indith · 05/07/2012 20:17

Full days and nights without the dcs are odd, they are th sort of thing I think I crave but when thy happen they feel odd and lonely. My mum loves having them though and as she lives a bit away they go for a few days.

I love a morning when dh take them out or when I slip away for coffee and cake with friends or a rare evening meal out. That sort of time away feels wonderful because I can slip home again and find my babies.

Course the smallest baby does not venture far from my breasts yet so I don't get a break for a while.

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