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Original poster

Need some reassurance or something. 4yo just said he doesn't like me

33 replies

SilveryMoon · 04/07/2012 19:26

My 4yo ds1 just said he doesn't want to live here anymore. He said he doesn't like it and he doesn't like me because I always shout at him Sad
I tried to have a talk with him and explain that I don't like shouting at him, told him that I love him very much and that I'd be really sad if he lived somewhere else.
Told him that because I love him and care for him, I ask/tell him to do things to keep him safe and looked after but sometimes, when he doesn't do as he's told, I get cross.
I asked him why he thought I shout at him and he said because he calls his brother names and because he doesn't listen, so I told him that I would try really hard not to shout anymore if he could try to listen to what I tell him.
I told him that I don't like telling him off and that I like laughing, hugging, reading with him, playing toys, going to the park with him etc etc

What else can I do? Is this normal? He doesn't really not like me does he? Sad

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wishingonadream · 04/07/2012 19:32

My dd does exactly the same. She has also told me that she is 'going to die' me. I often get told that she doesn't love me just daddy. From talking to friends I think this is completely normal and that you have handled it really well.

BellaBearisWideAwake · 04/07/2012 19:34

My 4yo regularly comes out with 'you're not my best friend anymore' and 'I'm not inviting you to my party' (so-called party is at least six months away). It does seem to be par for the course with 4yos.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 04/07/2012 19:38

Thanks so much, what a relief! Smile
wishing I have all of that re me vs daddy too.
Bella we could be talking of the same child. My ds's response to everything I say is exactly that "I won't be your best friend" and "you can't come to my party"

This parenting stuff sucks doesn't it? Suppose I'll be hearing this for years, will have to grow a harder layer of skin.

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StellaNova · 04/07/2012 19:39

My 4 year old tells me he doesn't like/ love me on a regular basis, generally if I have told him off for something. I just say "oh dear, well I always love you". Luckily he does tell me he loves me often as well "except when you are cross"

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 04/07/2012 19:46

That's good to hear Stella I'm feeling much better.

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PurplePidjin · 04/07/2012 19:51

He's angry and trying to get at you - the more you try and justify yourself the more obvious it becomes that it affects you, therefore the more he'll do it. It's a slightly more mature version of the screaming temper tantrum so ignore ignore ignore!!! Or what Stella said, calm reassurance that you love him anyway

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 04/07/2012 20:02

Ok purple makes sense. So he's beyond reason at that stage then?
But now I've said what I said, maybe next time I'll just do what Stella said and tell him that I love him anyway.

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wigglesrock · 04/07/2012 20:03

My 4 year old tells she "wishes she had a different Mummy" sometimes, I'm an ignorer - I just tell her I know she doesn't mean it and I'll always be her Mum and leave it like that - no further conversation about it. About 15 mins later I get a huge hug and lots of I love yous.

My 16 month old has her version of it too, if I don't let her do something incredibly dangerous she glares at me and refuses to come near me for about 10 mins Grin - she's a huffer.

You're their Mum - all that misplaced rage that they don't quite know what to do with just gets directed at you because they know you love them and won't leave them.

PurplePidjin · 04/07/2012 20:08

More that if he knows it works, he'll keep doing it. If he'd been given the ice cream in the park every time he hit you for saying no, he'd bash you instead :)

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 04/07/2012 20:20

True, is see what you're saying.
Breaks my heart, but you're all right. He knows I love him, this time he was angry because I said youtube was finished and it was time to get ready for bed.
Little rascal said he didn't have a turn, which he did, so suppose he's rying different versions of the tantrum.
This must mean that finally, after 4 years, he's realised that tantrums get him F.A

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amck5700 · 04/07/2012 20:25

My response is always "well I love you very much and that makes me very sad" to whatever they have just said e.g. I hate you/you are not my friend anymore etc. there is absolutely no comeback to that!!

It's all very normal.

Moomoomie · 04/07/2012 21:20

This is just a phase.
Remember, it is because she is so secure in your love to her, that she can say these things. Please, don't let it bother you too much.
Good idea to say I love you when she says it, just to reinforce that attachment.

PurplePidjin · 04/07/2012 21:28

This must mean that finally, after 4 years, he's realised that tantrums get him F.A

This. He's growing up!

rhetorician · 04/07/2012 21:42

I was just about to post about exactly this! My dd is 3.6 and we've had a lot of 'I want a different mummy', 'I don't want these mummies any more' (we are a same-sex couple); plus 'I want to be the mummy and for you to be the little girl'. It's all about power and control and wanting more independence. She HATES being told what to do, so I tell her that I love her, but that all mummies tell their children what to do (with examples), and that she will get told off/bossed a lot less if she does what she is told...I think it's also useful to find new ways of asking her to do things.

That's not to say that it isn't pretty hurtful - but the whole point is that we are their safe people, and they know that we will not go away...

wheredidiputit · 04/07/2012 21:47

As others have said It's a phase.

My 4.10 dd doesn't want to be my friend anymore, neither does my 3.4 ds.

Why, because I bought them home from nursey and made them eat their lunch. You know the lunch they asked for.

rhetorician · 04/07/2012 21:49

Mine wants a different mummy because I had the temerity to tell her that her toothbrush is for teeth and not for painting over the pictures in her story books...

treadonthecracks · 04/07/2012 21:54

5 yo DS went off to school this morning saying he hated me and I was a bad mummy. Did as you did and said well I love you to him.

Normal I think. Mad me a bit sad though, but I suppose their just testing our love/trying to exert some power.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 05/07/2012 08:24

Glad to know I'm not alone and that it's all normal!
My ds's must be really secure in my love then because they push me to no end!
Thank you all for sharing :-)

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CailinDana · 05/07/2012 08:33

I agree it's a phase that most children go through. It's worth listening to the shouting thing though. Just because he's 4 doesn't mean it's not worth taking his feelings about things into account. Being shouted at is horrible and he's telling you that he wants it to stop, which isn't an unreasonable request. Perhaps the next time he's not listening you could say "DS, you know the way you don't like me shouting? Well now I'm getting the point where I would shout at you because you're just not listening. Could you listen now, please, and I won't have to shout?" See what the response is. To you the "I hate you" thing seems silly and hurtful but to the child it's their only way of exerting control over their situation. That's not to say you should drop everything and kowtow to them when they come out with that line, but it's worth listening and finding out if there are some things that could change for the better.

wfhmumoftwo · 05/07/2012 09:25

phew what a relief, its not just me then!

My children (5 and 4) will sometimes say they hate me, i want a new mummy, that they are going to live with nanny as its much better there, and wishingonadream your post made me giggle as my son too says that he is going to 'die me', or 'get me deaded (in real life!)'

Seriously, it can hurt a bit, but i think its quite normal and usually its just becasue they are frustrated and angry, (over something trivial in our cases)and i know they dont mean it, or really understand what they are saying.

I simply ignore it, and tell them that i love them very much all the time.

Ilovedaintynuts · 05/07/2012 09:45

Very normal, all mine have done this.
Best response is a low key "that's a shame because I love you very, very much" or "even when you hate me I really, really love you".
I can assure they absolutely HATE this Grin.

They are learning ways to handle frustration, anger and disappointment. They don't know how hurtful it sounds.

The "deaded" stuff I've always completely ignored.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 05/07/2012 11:19

call of course being shouted at his horrible, I often tell my ds as I did last night (as stated in my op) that I don't like shouting at him etc and believe me it's not something I do lightly, I am a reasonable person who invests a lot of time in my children's emotional well-being, we often talk about what their choices are, I tell them what needs to be done and they have ample chances to do it before I stamp down, I am not a monster.

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rockinhippy · 05/07/2012 11:33

Perfectly normal & sounds like you are doing a great job - you do need to grow a hide though, as DCs being DCs it WILL get worse as they get older & fight for independence & push all boundaries - if they spot a weakness such as your sensitivity to comments like this - you will definitely hear more like it - they can be little sods like that [grin but its all fun.

Currently my DD is saving up her pocket money so that she can buy her own flat when she's old enough to leave home - at 16 - she's 9 Grin

rockinhippy · 05/07/2012 11:35

PS we don't even shout - but I still get told that I do - that was even after I once shouted to prove the point that I don't - she jumped out of her skin - & then carries on accusing me of shouting at her every time I put my foot down over anything at allGrin

popsnsqeeze · 05/07/2012 11:39

I get "Katies mother doesn't put her in time out! I wish she was my mummy"

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