Need some reassurance or something. 4yo just said he doesn't like me

[SilveryMoon]

My 4yo ds1 just said he doesn't want to live here anymore. He said he doesn't like it and he doesn't like me because I always shout at him
I tried to have a talk with him and explain that I don't like shouting at him, told him that I love him very much and that I'd be really sad if he lived somewhere else.
Told him that because I love him and care for him, I ask/tell him to do things to keep him safe and looked after but sometimes, when he doesn't do as he's told, I get cross.
I asked him why he thought I shout at him and he said because he calls his brother names and because he doesn't listen, so I told him that I would try really hard not to shout anymore if he could try to listen to what I tell him.
I told him that I don't like telling him off and that I like laughing, hugging, reading with him, playing toys, going to the park with him etc etc

What else can I do? Is this normal? He doesn't really not like me does he?

It's because they live very much in the present, and they haven't got the hang of their emotions properly yet. So instead of saying "I'm really angry with you now, Mummy" he says "I don't like you" because that's what it feels like - it's very black and white. He can't figure out "I love you very much but I don't like the way you're acting right now" it's just "I don't like this" which comes out as "I don't like you".

Rest assured you'll be his favourite person again as soon as you're doing stuff which he perceives as nice

Sorry Silvery, I didn't mean to imply you're a monster. What I meant was the shouting is causing problems and I'm guessing you don't like doing it so it might be worth finding some other way besides shouting to deal with the situation.

I usually try to apologise for shouting rather than saying I don't want to do it - I think that must be confusing for a child, I expect they think "Why does she shout at me then if she doesn't want to?" and if what you're really saying is "I don't want to shout, but you make me shout" then you're making your shouting his responsibility, which also gives him the message that it's okay to shout if someone is annoying you/not doing as you ask them/whatever situation (which could of course include being in danger or someone not being able to hear you otherwise).

Obviously there are some situations where it is okay to shout, but whether it's acceptable to shout because someone isn't doing what you want might be something you need to consider if you're comfortable with him learning - I would imagine this would vary.

At 3, DD's lines used to be 'You don't love me, nobody loves me' and 'I don't feel like part of the family'.

Her fabulous keyworked explained to us that she had no real idea what she was saying. She just knew these words had a particular effect and that was what she was after.

Keyworker

I love this thread!

My 4yo says "I'm not your mummy any more" She gets it the wrong way round

She also says "I don't like you" and "I'm going to throw you in a big, big bin". Oh and "I don't like you I like daddy because he's nice and doesn't put me on the naughty step".

I just say "Well I love you very much." Sounds like you handled it great OP.

I've had similar happen to me, but I don't take it personally. I've accepted he's at a stage of development where he's testing the water and expressing himself emotionally.

DS1 has also done this to DH.

Keep talking about feelings, and explain why you've shouted (but you've clearly been doing a good job of that already, as you've made it clear you don't mean to shout).

It is tough, but it will pass. :)

I was about to roll my eyes at you taking a four year old's words seriously, but then I remembered something DD2 did.

She got angry with me over something, I can't remember what it was, but she got properly mad, screamed and ran off upstairs to her room. I just ignored her and pretended I didn't notice, and after a bit I heard her stomping downstairs, throwing a sheet of paper into the sitting room and running upstairs again. It said "I wil neva eva cum bak".

I sound like an idiot to say this but I felt what I can only describe as a sharp pang of grief. I was completely heartbroken. I wouldn't have minded an I don't love you, it was the childish and angry I'll never come back that upset me. She was 4! Fantastic writing admittedly, but it really cut me deep.

What I'm trying to say is (in a long winded way!) that it's I understand how you feel, it's normal to feel upset, but they don't really mean it. Heat of the moment words, just like some adults say.

P.S. She did come back