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Original poster

i am a crap mother, and i am so so sad about that

42 replies

guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:01

guess it says it all really, i have to children, nearly 2 and the elder one is 3 + 2mnths. I work pt, (just to give me a break, after childcare, I have no cash) and them from 1pm onwards and aldat one of the days of the week. I spend them time I have with them shouting, and, I am ashamed to say on occasion, smacking. I think I am going to bring up to terrified children. The more I shout, the naugtier they are, so I know thats not working.

I love my second child, but, if i'm honest, wish I had never had him, and, get this, he was planned. he is hard work, he doesn't eat - never has, and has temper tantrums where he seems to go outside himself and you can't reach him.

My husband is never here, and when he is all he does is contradict me, and complain. Our house is aways immaculate, but its never enough - there is always something to moan at. I have two step shildren, who I love, but they just add to it. Isuggested to one to have a mate over at the weekend, but no stop over (3 bedroom house) and she was hapy with this. Husband says yes to stop over - ffs, everyone was fine with it, its never him that does the extra bits - always me.

I work, he works, I look after all the kids (sk'd here every weekend).

I just don't know what to do - part of me would just like to pick up my passprt, get the car keys and clear off.

the other part would like to go to parenting classes, and try to be a better parent.

I so don't want them growing up hating me - and that where i am headed Sad

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JennyLee · 28/02/2006 19:07

I empathise with you and hope things improve, you need to get help from somewhere and do not let you partner off the hook he is their father they are his too and he should help you instead of making it worse. hope some other mumsnetter with experience of this can help.

Come on guys help her out!!!

Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:09

I don't really know what to say, but I saw your message had gone right down the list of all topics and I didn't want it to go unanswered.

I'll bump it up for you while I have a think to see if i can come up with something.

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:10

sorry about the bad grammer and spelling Blush

thx for replying x

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Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:11

arsehole will be back soon so I'll get kicked off the pc Sad

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Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:11

Have you had any type of depression before, you remind me of me with some of the things you are saying and I've had PND with both my babies.

Is there anything else that bothers you?

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:13

I went to dr's when ds (2nd baby) was about a year, told him I was going to leave dh, as it was all pissing me off, but that I thought perhaps it was pnd, he told me to pick my socks up and be gratefull for what I have. I seriously think it was pnd - but it will be two years since I had him soon, so can't see how it can be.

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Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:13

now

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salsa · 28/02/2006 19:14

You are working aswell as him. Between you there are 4 children etc this means that you have to share the resposibilties a little. If you are working and still worried and expected to keep an imaculate house then that is where I can imagine you are getting frustrated.
It is hard to keep house and look after two young children.
I think your youngest will play up if you have been to work and then you come home and can't really spend time with him because you are too busy doing housework.
Shouting and smacking doesn't really solve anything but I have done both and it is out of pure frustration.
Mine are only 13 months apart and my dd is a real handful.
Does you eldest go to nursery at all so that you hae time alone with the youngest?

flibertygibbet · 28/02/2006 19:15

How awful, you sound like you really need some help Sad

Have you tried talking to DH about how bad you are feeling? It seems like the first step to me, it sounds like you need to get through to him the fact that you're thinking of some pretty drastic stuff. The obvious points for him to address seem to be a) backing you up and b) doing his share of the parenting and not just agreeing with what the kids want. Hopefully then you wouldn't have such problems with discipline in the first place since the kids would know that you both mean business.

I hope you can resolve this and not keep wanting to walk out.

Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:15

It could be PND, especially if you got told the crap you did. If its left untreated (either AD's or councilling) it's not going to go away.

Are you going to be alright when your husband gets in?

Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:18

BTW Can we get one thing straight, (I just read your thread title again) You are not a crap mother. You are a stressed out, tired and in need of some you time mum.

AggiePanther · 28/02/2006 19:21

agree with mumatuks ..you are not crap..anybody would find it difficult in your situation. v Angry at dr for telling you to pull your socks up! Angry at your dh too for undermining you not supporting you

Boopert · 28/02/2006 19:24

Sounds like it could be PND on top of a crap DH!
It took a year to diagnose me, and three docs!! Once i got help i got better.
You need to tell dh to get off his backside as you are not superwoman.

And trust me, your kids will still love you.

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:25

he's just got in, and to be honest its been a load off just putting it down hear. I have told him, the visit to the Dr's was after hysterical crying in the garden whn I off loaded everything. He makes out like there will be a change - there never is. If its not on his agenda - it doesn't count.

for instence, he wanted to book a mega (and I mean 10K) holiday this year - I said ponitless, we won't enjoy it, our kids are two young - but MINE (the elder skds) aren't - and I want to give them something to remember.

we are in in august. I would have been happy with key kmp - or even butlins!

Crap typing, don't want him to turn up - time to delete the history quick!

OP posts:
Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:31

have you gone GIACFH?

Boopert · 28/02/2006 19:31

My dh done the same. Booked hol when i didn't want to go. Screwed his plans up thou. Got pg!
Done the job, now getting med cert to claim back the money! Wink.
I think to an extend men are a bit like aliens, only i could probably understand a martian more.
You really need to see another doc, just tell him how it is. And the resentment to your baby is actually from the resentment to your dh. IMO. Can you get any time out for you to even go shopping on your own?

Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:32

If you've got msn messenger and want to talk please add my address: mumatuks AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk

Slink · 28/02/2006 19:34

Hi just read your thread, you are not a crap mum, you are good i am sure, ther is no handbook that tells you how to be a mum, i thought that, worked children taught other mums how to look after their babies, had mines ohhhhhhhh shit.

Take one step at a time, try star charts, they are fun, kids feel rewards, meet up with other mums, and you need to chat to you dh about his place in all this...... try going out with mates and leaving him to it???? that may work. Put a rota up washing cooking etc bath time.
These worked for me, i am a sahm but still got dh to pull his weight, Hope it helps.

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:47

just tried muma, it says they can't find you?

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Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 19:49

tried again, says your off line - dh eating the dinner I cooked, but don't like

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Mumatuks · 28/02/2006 19:51

Got there in the end.... Smile just found you!

bluejelly · 28/02/2006 19:53

You are so not a crap mother. Bringing up kids is hard, esp at the age yours are! I remember when my dd was that age, I used to work four days a week and we always used to have confrontations on the 5th day! I think you will be amazed at how lovely they will turn out by the time they are 5 and 6, honestly...
However you do need some time off and some extra support. A parenting course sounds like a good idea, what have you got to lose?
And you really need to factor in some me time, time at the gym or at an evening class or out with your friends. Things will get better I'm sure, but being more pro-active about it will speed up the process
Good luck xx

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 20:05

havejoined the gym, never get to go (over two weeks) as dh never gets home in time

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Caligula · 28/02/2006 20:07

I think you sound like you need ot do some work on your relationship. It's very difficult to find the energy and resources to be a good mother if you're unhappy, and it's pretty obvious from your posts that your DH is making you unhappy. Have you thought of relationship counselling?

Original poster
guessitsacryforhelp · 28/02/2006 20:14

he would rahter cut his "erm" off than do that - have suggested that

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