i am a crap mother, and i am so so sad about that

[guessitsacryforhelp]

guess it says it all really, i have to children, nearly 2 and the elder one is 3 + 2mnths. I work pt, (just to give me a break, after childcare, I have no cash) and them from 1pm onwards and aldat one of the days of the week. I spend them time I have with them shouting, and, I am ashamed to say on occasion, smacking. I think I am going to bring up to terrified children. The more I shout, the naugtier they are, so I know thats not working.

I love my second child, but, if i'm honest, wish I had never had him, and, get this, he was planned. he is hard work, he doesn't eat - never has, and has temper tantrums where he seems to go outside himself and you can't reach him.

My husband is never here, and when he is all he does is contradict me, and complain. Our house is aways immaculate, but its never enough - there is always something to moan at. I have two step shildren, who I love, but they just add to it. Isuggested to one to have a mate over at the weekend, but no stop over (3 bedroom house) and she was hapy with this. Husband says yes to stop over - ffs, everyone was fine with it, its never him that does the extra bits - always me.

I work, he works, I look after all the kids (sk'd here every weekend).

I just don't know what to do - part of me would just like to pick up my passprt, get the car keys and clear off.

the other part would like to go to parenting classes, and try to be a better parent.

I so don't want them growing up hating me - and that where i am headed

You are not a bad Mummy - we all have bad Mummy moments, especially when stressed - I have them all the time!
Sounds like you are very unhappy in your relationship & I think this needs problem needs addressing first, as if you are unhappy you are bound to have a shorter fuse.
Have you tried talking to your H?
I am appauled at your doctors comment.
Have you thought of having a word with your HV?

I'd be stressed out and pissed off and bad tempered too in your position I think. I agree, counselling could be a good idea, as could buggering off for a weekend alone and leaving your h to deal with all 4 alone, you know, give him some quality time with them :)

Hey, you're here, asking how to be a better parent and you know shouting and smacking isn't working or making anyone happy - it's a good start imo. Those are hard ages close together too. Can you increase your hours at work? (I'm joking! But I know work feels like a release for me sometimes, bet it does for you too).

I'm always staggered that men prefer to risk losing their relationships than go to a few counselling sessions. Doesn't he want to make you happy? And don't you deserve him to?

just had to make pancakes now - what eva next!

managed to get on the pc at last!! not much more advice here at the mo, guess i'd better get off up the apples and peas for my 5.30 start

God I feel for yo. My partner enrages me with his 'let her do it all attitude'. He kind of has an excuse as he has severe depression but it isn't an excuse, not really.

Because I have experience of something similar, I am going to offer this because I know only too well how scared people are of saying it even though it is sometimes what we need to hear most. Forgive me if it is not what you want to hear.

Have you considered that you are fine and not actually depressed but for the fact that you dh depresses you? Would you actually be better off leaving than having counselling? I read 'too bad to stay too good to leave' (title could be other way around!) and found it a wealth of wisdom as far as my relationship is concerned.

Can't add much but think that just maybe there's very little wrong with your parenting skills and a lot more wrong with your dh and how he helps, or doesn't help you. I feel like a crap mum half the time but I think I manage to get through it because I'm on my own, and whatever I say goes, I would have gone absolutely mental if I had a unhelpful dh to deal with as well.

Yes ..its easier being on your own than being criticised daily

God you sound like a fantastic mum pancakes and immaculate house and everything-my dh does what he can but works til late and has a horrible commute so sometimes I feel a bit like you (ffs do I have to do everything round here) although I only have one so am in no way as put upon as you.
I think 1)-relationship counselling
2)-parenting classes-not bc u are crap but bc we all need tools to help us to cope with certain situations especially when as hard pressed as you
3) Carve out some time for YOU to do exactly as YOU want-maybe a weekend away-staying with a friend if money an issue. Make your DH look after the brood for once.

If he won't agree or meet you halfway then maybe nannyme aggiepanther and others are right...
very best of luck

thanks all. Just ignored him this am, and didn't make any sandwiches for him

determined that when I pick the kids up we ARE going to have a nice afternoon, with little (daren't say no - it would be impossible!) shouting and no smacking - as that just makes me feel shit

I know its more to do with dh than the kids, just not too sure what to do about that at the mo

you are doing too much. let go of the housework, the pancakes, the fussing over the eating. If children are hungry, they will usually eat.

The two year old stage is very hard. I am going through it now, and I have some very bad days, though i have a lot more help than you. Your 3 year old should be much less work by the end of this year. Muddle through. That should be your motto. There are no medals for being a perfect housekeeper and mother.

its the shouting thing that bothers me (and the smacks)

giacfh - so sorry you are having such a miserable time, and like others, I do think you are under a lot of pressure with NO support. And I am also outraged that you got that response from your Dr.

How does the yelling and friction start with the children? Having a plan in advance can sometimes help if it is the same old pattern tpo the way things start to go pear-shaped. Can you describe how a typical row starts and then develops? MN-ers have been very perceptive in the past at spotting the 'meltdown' triggers!

Can you start with a plan of how you are going to spend time with them? i.e trip to park, perhaps with another local Mum, followed by 'let's all help make tea together'?

Glad you are able to get on MN some of the time, anyway.

Hope this afternoon is better....

giacfh ..how are things?

So and for you. Sounds like something has to give. Might I suggest it is anything you do for your dh :o? Seriously, I think you should say to him that it's not your job to do his sandwiches when you are working and doing the majority of the childcare too.

Also, I hope you're not cooking dinner specially for him. I'm afraid dh (and me:)) get the children's leftovers. I wouldn't have the energy to cook twice.

Also, point out that if he is talking about/has talked about major holidays for HIS children then he needs to do more childcare for HIS children. If on the other hand, he is happy for you to be bringing up all 4 together as a family (and it sounds like you are doing a great job against heavy odds), then you should be getting a major say in how the family money is spent, particularly on holiday time since you need it the most.

Do you have any close friend who can support you/do some baby sitting/ help out in some way? If you do, perhaps you could go away and stay with them just for a night or two occasionally to give yourself a break (and your dh a wake-up call). Otherwise, could you HV help if you GP is hopeless?

Don't give up and please keep in touch.

You are describing my life a few years back. I remember the pain of it. It has nothing to do with your parenting but your relationship is out of whacked and draining the heck out of you. I did finally decide that I just wouldn't fight it anymore , it took too much energy and resentment. I would focus on getting rested, being happy with the kids and doing the best I could. My tongue bears the scars from biting it when I wanted to scream at dh to help me. But, here is the good part. Once we stopped fighting, we started talking and found that we had missed each other and he had as many resentments. We decided to just drop them, start fresh and rebuild. It has worked. We laugh instead of fighting and when we do, we can stop, back off and try again. The thing I didn't realize that the better things were with dh and I, the better mother I became because I could give more and wasn't always being drained. I don't know if this helps but I just wanted you to know I have been in the pit you are in and there is a way to climb out. It ain't easy, some days I jsut held on and prayed.

I think you need to get treatment for PND straight away. Go and see another doctor and get some AD's. You won't be on them forever but they will help you through this if your DH can't. I don't want to judge him, like I don't want to judge you. You must want it to work out and so must he - you're still together. It's hard if you have PND, for the person suffering it and the family around them. This is why communication is always difficult and everyone is resentful. In a few weeks time you will begin to feel a bit better and will be in a better position to think through some things like parenting classes and teh like. Always a good idea if you think you need them - they certainly can't hurt and it will help you just doing something positive to help yourself.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. Believe me, I'm not. I know what PND is like and it can and does destroy families if it goes unchecked. Getting that treated needs to be your top priority. CAT me if you'd like to discuss it some more. x