Missing DC1 time badly after the arrival of DC2.

[luckysocks]

DS is nearly 3 and the two of us have built our own little world over the last few years. I was a very jealous older sibling and I've worried quite a lot about the impact that having another child would have.

To be honest, he's coping with it all pretty well, while I'm a mess. I miss our time together terribly, I feel guilty that I keep having to turn my attention away from him and feel that I'm trying too hard when we do get a bit of time to play, instead of the easy connection we had before. I'm quite tearful about it and I hate that DS has seen me cry so many times now - I'm sure this is far more confusing for him than his new sister.

It's been 3 weeks now and I feel that it's time to start accepting that things will be different and just deal with it. I'm not sure how easy this will be in practice!

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt like this and how long it lasted or how you dealt with it.

TIA

I did, and just about everyone I know. NOrmal, normal normal.

It will get easier and it will be good for your DS to learn to share your time and attention - a hard lesson for everyone but worth it.

I still get that feeling now about ds1 and ds2 is nearly 2.

Don't get me wrong I love ds2 to pieces and wouldn't change him for the world but I sometimes look at ds1 and momentarily wish that it was just him and me again.

Totally normal (I hope)

Plus, now they are 3yrs and nearly 2yrs old, it's wonderful watching them play together, read together, snuggle up on the sofa together and fall asleep.

Your ds1 might not get as much one-on-one time with you but he's going to have just as much fun having a sibling to play with.

I felt the same way when my twins (DC 2&3) arrived - DS was 3. It has got easier as they've settled into a routine. I try to get the twins down for bed by 7.25pm then read DS his last story before bed (DH reads a couple first).

When the DTs have their post-lunch nap from 12-2 I really enjoy having time alone with DS - we can have a picnic in the garden or stories whilst the twins sleep.

It's also been easier since the DTs have been alert enough to react to DS. He loves entertaining them, which gives a glimpse of how much fun they'll have together in the future.

Can you get a mother's help who could do some housework/cooking and mind your baby while you get our of the house with DS?

I still feel the same & dd2 is 9 months.

I could have written your post. I would carve out special time for your DS but also realise that you have given him a great gift - a playmate, sibling and hopefully friend. He will adapt quickly enough and your hormones will soon die down.

normal i promise. from about 6 weeks i started to pop out on a sat morning just for an hour for breakfast with Ds1. made me feel better! also read a great book recommended on here called 3 shoes, 1 sock and no hairbrush that helped me understand my feelings. also Ds2 adore's Ds1 and visa versa and the way they smile at each other melts my heart every time.

It's early days yet, it will be easier once things have settled. And I agree with the posters who mention how wonderful it is to watch siblings together. Mine are 12 and 15 and I still go awww just seeing them together.

But I do remember the time when dd was 3 and ds was newborn and how hard I found it. One thing that helped us was a game we invented where the three of us- dd and baby and me- lay in bed together and the bed became a car that took us places. Ds was the driver (lying flat on his back and waving his arms in the air and making humming noises was about the only contribution he could make) and dd got out of the car at all the places we went to and went to the shop and bought things. It was a good game. You could make it about going to Africa or somewhere and seeing animals, or anything else you like. The beauty of it was that this was a game that baby brother was playing with her.

Me too. I sobbed for the first week of dd2's life because I missed dd1 do much. It seemed like she was always being shuffled off somewhere without me and I wanted her back. Hated it.

I'm due my second in November and really worried about this too. My DS will be 2 and 2 months and he and I spend every day together. I already have guilt about the pregnancy slowing me down!

I felt like that in the early weeks when breastfeeding was full on and took ages. Then it swapped around and I started to feel like I was always putting the baby down somewhere in order to deal with/respond to my toddler. Now Ds2 is 7 months and Ds1 (2.5 yrs) is really starting to notice he has a little brother (after completely ignoring him to start with) and I get a warm glow watching them together.

If you think about it they are going to have a longer relationship with each other than with you. So don't feel guilty, just feel proud of yourself for giving him a lifelong friend. That's my philosophical thought for the day!

Some games the eldest likes is when we chase him around the room holding the baby out in front of us and pretending the baby is chasing him. We also pretend the baby has hidden a toy in the room and Ds1 has to find it for him and gets lots of clapping when he does.

You are still in the really hard bit - you will gradually feel less and less guilty and before you know it you will be doing joint telling offs !

I was like this in the early days, and it really upset me.

I tried to make an effort of every weekend DS would do something with DH for a time, and then do something with me for a time. This would be something like baking some biscuits, going to a garden centre (which DS loves) etc.

As they get older, you can still spend time with just them, but it's also lovely to spend time with both children doing things together. DS and DD are now nearly 5 and 3, and I spend time with both of them individually, but also we make an effort to spend time as a family - not necessarily "doing stuff" but just chilling out, reading a book, watching a film etc. I'm very lucky though as DS and DD have very rarely had any jealousy issues, for which I'm eternally grateful.

I like to think that because we don't do the divide and conquer approach with parenting, our DCs have a really close bond with eachother. They sleep in the same room (through choice), love eachothers' company, and will regularly seek eachother out at nursery/kids parties. They also seem to have this innate sense of responsibility to eachother - DS will rarely get a snack for himself without getting one for his sister or asking her if she wants one. It's really touching to see.

yeah, i feel like this too. plus DS1's behaviour has been a bit worse since just before DS2 was born, so he's getting less time plus more tellings off! he's 2.9 and baby is 2 months.

he is doing well and is v sweet with his wee brother. I've got to the stage mentioned above where the baby gets popped in the sling to sleep be ignored so i can make lunch and play with DS1.

looking forward to seeing them play together now I've read this thread. :)

Yes, I feel like this too and DC2 is 10mo. DC1 is nearly 4yo.

Now DC2 is a bit older, I've started to get some childcare when DC1 is not at Pre-school so that she and I get some time alone every week before she starts school. Sometimes we go out, other times we stay in and do painting together.

But she is getting a fair bit of "Daddy time" too, which I remember from when my little sister was born and I am still close to my Dad.

In our case I'm not too worried about "divide and conquer" because DC2 is a boy and I just know that in a few years time it will be DH and him heading off to do/watch sport together and DC1 and I will get lots of time together.

Also because she is about to start school, I think she does need to learn to cope without me a bit more than she has in the past, despite being so little.

I do miss her and feel very guilty, but actually her behaviour with me has deteriorated since DC2 was born (whereas she is perfectly behaved at Pre-school and with Daddy), and it's just enough to keep my feelings in check a little, IYSWIM.

Oh and at 10mo, DC2 is starting to play and interact with DC1, which is adorable when they are not fighting.

snap! ds was 22 months when dd was born and i can remember sobbing while i read him his night time stories for a few weeks -felt like that was the only remnant of our precious time together that was unscathed....

but it does get better as everyone has pointed out - once the baby is in more of a routine then nap times provide some respite. and as they get older, you appreciate that you can share quality time with both of them together.

Me too! I cried everytime I saw my husband and 22mo dc1 head off happiliy for outdoor adventures while i was rooted to the sofa with a non-stop breastfeeding, barfing refluxy baby, who required all my attention for the first few months. I agree with others that it defo gets easier, especially as the siblings become good friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way now, but there is something very special about the one-on-one time with one's PFB that can't be replicated.

Me too! I cried everytime I saw my husband and 22mo dc1 head off happiliy for outdoor adventures while i was rooted to the sofa with a non-stop breastfeeding, barfing refluxy baby, who required all my attention for the first few months. I agree with others that it defo gets easier, especially as the siblings become good friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way now, but there is something very special about the one-on-one time with one's PFB that can't be replicated.

I don't know how to explain how relieved I feel reading your replies :)

I was starting to feel like I was going a bit mad...

I relate to every single post on here, it's so reassuring. I've just ordered the socks...shoes...hairbrush book after having a quick nosy on amazon, I think I'll find that quite interesting. Thanks for all the ideas and advice.

MrsIcarus I'm completely in awe of you surviving the experience with twins!

Very interested to find this as am pregnant with DC2 and so worried about feeling like this. Thanks all.

It's also true as a PP said that there will be times in the future when the feeling is turned on its head - you'll come to feel a bit sorry for DC2 because DC1 (typically) needs a bit more attention owing to being the (precious) first born. At least in my experience!

I am so so relieved to read this! DS1 IS 4yrs old and DS2 arrived at Christmas. The first few weeks were awfull. DS2 wasvery demanding and cried a LOT. I felt like I'd ruined DS1's life and I missed him terribly. Any time we got together I felt like I needed to make it perfect and was constantly on edge that DS2 wols wake up and spoil our time together. It was an awful time and I felt so guilty all the time. 6 months later and I still sometimes have moments where I look at DS1 was and just feel so sad that it's not just me and him. However, he loves his brother so much and has never shown any jealousy or resentment at all so I am lucky.

Anyway, I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say that it's normal and you're not alone! Things have calmed down a lot. DS2 has settled and we have a routine (sort of!) but it makes things more predictable and also now DS2 sleeps through and goes to bed in the evenings it's a lot easier to give DS1 some one on one time before he goes to bed a bit later.

My point is that it will get better. The relationship between them is already lovely and seeing them interact and lagh together is so sweet. The first few months are HARD though bt it is getting easier all the time.

This side of things has taken me completely by surprise actually. I'd worried so much about childcare while I was in hospital, for example, and desperately hoped that I'd be discharged quickly (I was in for 4/5 days with DS).

As it turned out, I needn't have worried about that bit at all - put DS to bed as usual, went in to see him in between cx to let him know it was happening and that granny/grandpa would be there in the morning, DH was back before he woke up and I went home with them that day. Perfect.

Hadn't even occurred to me that I'd then spend 3 weeks barely able to see him as I'd be stuck on the sofa breastfeeding while visitors took him off to play or DH took him out

Things are settling down a little this week, we're finding our way gradually now that DH is back at work and we're back to seeing usual friends in the week. I've not cried since I posted anyway, so things are improving!

Sonds like you're doing a lot better than I was 3 weeks in! I spent at least the first 12 weeks in tears really which only added to the guilt that I was somehow failing them both. You sound like a lovely mum and as time goes on your new baby grows and becomes part of the family. DS1 is clearly not at all damaged by DS2's arrival. He has just told me that what he wants more than anything is another brother or sister and a big house for them to all play in.... it's not happening but it was a sweet request!