HOW MUCH TIME SHOULD WE SPEND PLAYING WITH OUT TODDLERS?

[girlygirluk]

Help IM in a quandry! I'm not sure if Im spending too much or not enough time with my toddler DS's when at home. They are nearly 3 and 2 (they are exactly one year apart in age). I sound so indecisive, but when DS2 was born I suffered PNDepression for 6 months, and sometimes I think its left me with a niggling insecurity about my parenting, silly I know. Im always questioning myself...am I doing the right thing for them, am I good enough parent etc... prob like every mum!

Im going to tell you what we do in the week, so I can get HONEST opinions! DS1 will go to preschool 2 mornings, on the other morns I take them to a dance class, a paint session and a music class, so they're both busy every morning doing something with me. Two afternoons eldest has pre school sessions and then swimming on another afternoon,on the other two afternoons he does stuff with me, normally playdates with friends. These two playdate afternoons Eldest DS has me all to himself while my mum has the younger DS, hopefully so he feels like its special mummy time.

So with all that dashing around I find when we're in the house I feel I have done lots with them and Id like to be able to get on with other stuff without feeling guilty, and not have to constantly play with them at home? Is this acceptable or should I play with them ALL the time. I never sit on the sofa watching tv.(Although if im honest, id like to be able to grab half hour in front of box with a cuppa!)

Often I get frustrated, i think for goodness sake, they have eachother for amusement and they shouldnt need their mum all the time?! They are close and miss eachother when they're apart. But if I was to sit down to put feet up and have a cuppa on sofa (BTW never do this, sometimes I grab some time to look on internet!) but if Im not with them entertaining them and constantly stimulating them, then they will begin to squabble and the eldest DS especially does EVERYTHING he can do to get my attention, unfortunately its in a negative way, so he's looking for a reaction! Which then just makes me cross and frustrated. (ie being rough with younger DS, crashing into toys etc). This happens if Im on the phone, chatting to mum if shes over, grab a sit down for two minutes, etc...

BTW.The first year n half of eldest DS life he had two parents around most of the time, (DH took 1 1/2 years out, career change!) I believe as result he had got used to so much constant attention, because if one of us was busy there was always a 2nd parent to play with, and DH is a real playful dad! The younger DS does not crave attention at all in this way, he's very content.

Do you think toddlers should be played with all the time? My natural instinct is that they obviously need play and attention, which I chose to do this by way of activities out of the house, (because TBH I think I find playing at home very boring....i feel instantly bad saying that!, but I feel myself drifting off and it instantly reminds me of the PNDep days!) But I feel that they also need to learn how to play independantly and not to be so attention seeking. But I worry that these are unrealistic expectations of a toddler?

What do other Mums do and think about my quandry?! Please be honest! Thanks and sorry its so long, just trying to set the scene!

You know, I'm too tired to read the whole thread and am about to braindeadly tidy house but seriously your children no matter what their age are going to be much happier if you are happy and relaxed, I stopped caring about how much time I devote entirely to my children, because even if it's hours less now than before (which I don't really think it is, or will be for anyone who stops thinking about it) I'm happier and more relaxed, so the time is worth it's weight in gold, and its much nicer then hours spent trying to force myself to play with them!

Wow! I'm impressed you manage to fit so much into your day - especially with two. (I thought ds and I do alot - something every morning and one afternoon a week - but I don't know anyone else who does the same.)
I would say to schedule into the day some time for each of your boys to spend solely with you. I'd sit down and clearly explain to them how it works and, at the start, remind them when it will be at intervals throughout the day.
Then at other times of the day I'd encourage them to play independently. Maybe start off by saying you're just going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and gradually extend the period of time you're out of the room.
Also (and I can't believe I'm saying this) but maybe you should spend more time at home. Kids need the chance to be bored and have to find something to amuse themselves. It makes us more resourceful as adults. Otherwise he may grow up always expecting to be entertained. (Going to run and hide under the bed now .)

Definately agree with the independant play - gives you some time - plus relax - you can tell if they're bored - they get up to something!!

Bloody hell, you do loads IMO! My ds is 8 and dd is 2.3 and they very often have to occupy themselves while I cook/clean/talk to a friend or dh/whatever. So in answer to your question, No, I do not think toddlers need to be played with all the time. In fact, I think if you do you will a) set their expectations at this, which isn't realistic and b) never get anything done! But if you like doing it and want to do it, go ahead, I can't see that it would harm them or anything but I don't see anything wrong with teaching children to play on their own. The world doesn't revolve around them in my house. The age gap must be hard with your 2, I bet they get better at playing alone or together as they get older though. Um, Cbeebies?

Oh and re bad behaviour for negative attention, in our house you go OUTside, meaning put in the hall with the door shut for a minute for hitting, biting, pushing and assorted unacceptable horribleness. So it's not rewarded with good attention.

Oh and I WON'T do and never have done: playing with cars, getting down and doing trains and lots of other stuff. I will do drawing, colouring, hide and seek, reading books, watching films, walking in the woods, cooking and other stuff involving them being with me and talking. So I really don't think you have to get down and join in with all their games.

oh i hope this doesnt make me sound like a bad mum but i hardly do anything with my son! i take him to play group once a week and swimming once a week, and occasionally if the weather is nice on a trip to the park, other than that i stay in and i am very lucky with my son, i honestly never had the patience to keep him constantly amused i, like you found it boring so in the ned i just went and did my own thing around the time my son began to crawl and let him crawl around after me, i still talked to him ect i just never made a thing about actively playing with him and he soon started to amuse himself and will now come and see me as and when he likes he started walking a month ago whereever i am in the house. and when i feel like it i will sit and have a good play all the better because i am not wishing i was off doing something else. as long as babies have lots of cuddles and are not left crying hysterically for long periods of time i think its fine to get them used to the idea that mummy has things to do and cant ALWAYS be playing

My ds is 3 and he goes to playschool twice a week (doesn't start full time until September - he is only just 3). We go to the park maybe once a week. i sit with him and do drawing, writing, cutting up, bead-threading, playing on the computer, reading stories and rhymes, baking is occasional!

We have a friend of mine around about once a week, she has a little girl about his age. Other than that, he plays on the floor with piles of cars and some bits of card to make tunnels, and his train track, and his shopping basket with plastic food.

I think independant play is very important. he still learns whether on his own or with my interferance, and gets quite cross if i come and disrupt a game he has going on his own if I don't understand what he is doing.

OMG!! I really really think u need to give yourself a break!! Your post could really make me feel terrible about what I spend my time doing. I spend on average about an hour and a half a day directly playing with dd at home, that doesn't include time out of the house (2 mornings at playgroup with me, trips to the park, etc) or visiting ppl or having visitors. The way i see it, and perhaps as a single mum I have to see it this way, i am never going to get any breaks other than evenings at all so i've every right to give myself a sit down now & then! And dd went from being a very clingy baby who had me 100% of the time to a self-sufficient toddler able to happily amuse herself if i am busy. When i am doing housework though she is usually involved even if just hanging out chatting while i do it. Seriously i think your boys may benefit if you take your foot off the pedal a bit. I know toddlers aren't able to comprehend another person's needs until about 5 yo but i don't think that should stop us introducing them to the concept earlier on. i think i would go nuts if i put myself under the kind of pressure you're putting yourself under tbh, and i suffer enough as it is from self doubt myself every time i'm on the computer or in the bath!

I too am not very good at playing with my kids. I have a 6 and almost 4 year old and they play with each other more often than not. They understand that mummy has to clean the house through the day,if they need me I am there.

I usually have the half hour before they go to bed reading them books, that way we both enjoy doing something together.

In our house the saying is "Daddy means play, Mummy means business".

I think it is very important for children to be able to play on their own for lots of reasons, independance, problem solving, expanding their imagination and so on - I really only do cooking and "teaching stuff" (letters, number, reading, maths etc), stories, singing, dancing (being a loony), board games although would like to do more arts and craft with her as she loves drawing/painting but again its having the time.

yomellamoHelly - thanks, its funny you say that about kids learning to be bored almost, my mum says the same! She thinks my eldest (3) almost expects me to entertain him, he often asks me after breakfast, 'What are we doing today', and then again when he wakes up after lunch nap! Think theres some truth in having more days in then. Hmmm...I think it is more about, me needing to get out of the house. I think after the PNDep days I find I quickly get cabin fever and need to feel busy and be off doing activities, so I dont feel stagnant IYKWIM. With the sole time for each child, I would love to do that, but (and Im sorry to make excuses) its sooo hard because of their ages. I used to do so much reading with my eldest a year ago and loved it, and now I hardly do because its so impossible with them both grabbing the book, they dont sit still happily long enough to get past first two pages, they each want the book closest to them to see the pictures Anyway Im going to have a think about how I could do this without the other one feeling left out or my youngest (2) just standing there screaming!

small children should be left alone whenever possible (but supervised) to allow them to develop imagination and entertain themselves

think they're doing loads of classes .. possibly more than is needed .. sounds expensive

First if all you sound like a FANTASTIC mum, my little dd would love to coem spend a week of fun at yours!

ooops dinner shere and hungry - 30 weeks preggers

Thanks WWW, it def makes me feel better to hear someone else say it! I do the same thing in our house, sending them out in the Hall! Do you think youd do that with the eldest for snatching. At mo, I tend to save it just for hitting and being spiteful only. Do you give warnings, or do they go straight out into hall. With snatching I think I want to just send him straight out to hall sometimes. I really LOATHE snatching, it seems quite spiteful to me! I laughed when you said about DONT DO playing on floor with cars! Im the same, anything else is ok, I just cant stand doing all that boy cars and trains stuff! Glad im not the only one!

I think children should be left to get on with stuff and encouraged from the sidelines when behaving well or doing something v cute(!)

I think yours sound like they're doing a lot out of the house - they need some time to be bored so that they learn to amuse themselves. They play up when you're otherwise occupied because you give them your individed attention usually.

I'd find sitting on the floor playing with DS1 all the time boring. We both appreciate the time we do spend doing it, but he doesn't expect me to be by his side the whole time when he's playing (he's 22mo, btw).

Don't give yourself such a hard time - you're doing a good job. Just relax a bit, allow yourself to have a cuppa on the sofa sometimes - they'll get used to it, I promise.

thanks happybebe/jowen/bournville, think i need to take the pressure OFF about getting on the floor and playing, and then it will feel more enjoyable if/when I do it. I think I put myself under pressure because DH is soooo playful and I feel like I should be like that too, and that they come to expect it from me cause they get it from him. But its easier for DH to be like that for an hour a day, if it was him doing the mum stuff all day long he couldnt keep up that pace i just know it!!

Haha I love your saying crazydazy "Daddy means play, Mummy means business" really made me laugh!

Twiglett - you're right, it is bloody expensive! Im really going to try to tone it down and get them accepting of just hanging out in the house!

Thanks Lovecloud, good luck with your new baby when he/she arrives!

Gosh these forums are great, quite new to all this and you get so much from talking to other mums! As im reading my own stuff back I can see stuff as well, I think im competing a bit with my DH. I think when I had PNDep he was amazing helping with both babies when i just couldnt get it together, and I guess i still feel like im trying to be as good as him and wanting them to like me as much as him...which is crazyness!! Im really realising this, so will really lay off myself I think. We're just different parents to our boys.

I have no idea, I'll ask the nanny

I would definately ditch some of the organised activity and relax at home a bit more.

When DS1 was a baby I would be out twice a day with him every day. When DS2 came along I tried to do the same and more and then got PND. I've learnt to do less and in some ways with two close in age it is easier because they entertain each other rather than relying on me. I try to get out with them once a day, the rest of the time I supervise activities or I leave them to their own devices. I have noticed my 2 1/2 year old really starting to show great imagination in his play now as well which makes me worry less about whether I am playing with them enough.

Message withdrawn

I agree you are doing an awful lot of organised activities, although also agree with two so close it must possibly test you at times to just be "round the house"!

I tend to go out each morning to do something but usually nothing more than a trip to Tesco or the local garden centre where they have a pet shop. I do feel the need to get out every day but don;t think it has to be child centred as such. I do one organised activity with DS a wekk and maybe one trip to the park or soft play if the weatehr is bad.

Afternoons I am more likely to be in and usually plan one activity (which may last 5 mins or half an hour) to do with DS like play-doh, drawing, or get a particular toy out.

The rest of the time he either plays by himself or helps me with the things I am doing eg chopping veg for supper or collecting the washing to put on.

IME toddlers love to help round the house

Quite sad now really as starting work again next week and will miss our relaxed mornings

Havn't read all the threads so apologies if i repeat anything.

But my first thoughts when reading your op is that perhaps your boys are craving a bit of chilling out time with their mum? Rather than rushing back and forth to this class and that. If i were you i would stop one or two (probably more!) of the activites you do, and organise a different kind of activity at home.

To answer your actual question, i have a 3yr old dd who goes to pre-school two mornings, and spends a day with the grandparents whilst i work. The two days she has been to pre-school we chill out at home for the afternoon. We watch a bit of tv whilst eating our lunch, then i'll probably play some games with her or do some colouring etc. Then let her get on with whatever she wants whilst i do dinner etc.
On the two 'free' days we have a week, we may visit friends or have friends over for an afternoon, we may go to the park or swimming. But i only ever arrange to do one thing a day and won't necessarily arrange to do anything at all.
I'd say time spent playing and time for me to do my own thing is 50/50. I find it a good compromise, say i spend an hour with dd, she is settled enough to amuse herself for an hour whilst i do something.

god you do sooooo much more than me.

relax,tell them mummy needs her space .They will eventually amuse themselves with something.When that happens praise them for playing so nicely.

MY ds is getting better at amusing himself ,but he's a wee bugger for pestering me some days.You just have to be firm.

I have a feeling I am repeating other posters, but here's my take anyway. I am leery of scheduling ds too much. We do one scheduled activity per week (right now it is gymnastics, in April I will switch to swimming for 8 weeks). He has 3 days with the nanny while I am at work, she is really good at creative things for him to do, but also walks, playing outside, etc. Then I make sure we have at least a couple of days with absolutely no outside activities planned. We might through in one extra class a month, such as a mommy and me art class, a playdate here and there, etc. but I think it is good for him to have alone time and also mommy time. I do sit down and play trucks or trains for a bit every day. That may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I don't mind and he likes it. There are also lots of times where I tell him I can't because I'm doing laundry etc. and then invite him to help me or play in the kitchen near me.

It is really hard to find a balance and many of us wind up wearing ourselves out trying to make sure our kids have lots of opportunities. But, really, as long as they are cared for and feel loved, everything else is just a bonus imo.