Finding second baby so so hard

[Rhubarbgarden]

I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusions there, but two weeks in and I'm really really struggling. New ds has really bad colic and most of the time that he isn't asleep he's howling with pain. He's a trial to feed because he fusses on the breast, bouncing on and off and thrashing around, so the only way to feed him is naked from the waist up sitting at home. It means I can't really go anywhere except for a quick half hour trip to the shops between feeds. Two year old dd was dealing with it all really well at first, being very sweet with her new little brother, but she's getting increasingly high maintenance and attention-seeking, presumably because she's not seeing as much of me as she'd like and I'm getting increasingly stressed out and knackered, which she's undoubtedly picking up on.

I'm starting to feel like I just can't cope, and wondering what the hell I'll do when DH goes back to work in a week's time. He's been brilliant so far, taking ds off me and telling me to go and sleep when he sees I'm losing it. But another week and I'm on my own, so I've got to figure out a way of dealing with this.

I know it will get better, he will grow out of the colic and learn to nap and I'll get used to it all, but right now I just feel like bursting into tears half the time, wondering what the hell I've done having a second dc.

Any words of wisdom? I'm at my wits end here.

Faff all wisdom here, lots of sympathy though. Would ds be happy in a sling? If he's maybe got reflux that would ease him, and help you get out and about with your dd, even if its just to the park.

try and have lots little bits of time with her where she is central attention wise. keep telling her how much you love her, keep steeling cuddles from her and get her giggling at the baby faces/poos/near misses with the sick. can she help you choose baby outfits? Is there anyone who can help a bit? it will get easier i promise.

about the colic - have you tried holding him vertically with his back against your breast/tummy and your arm around his tummy? Then jig him about - was the only thing that worked with mine. I think it was the pressure of my arm that helped?

slings a great idea I agree

That sounds really hard, poor you! I'd take DS to the doctors to see about reflux as he's young (I think?) for colic to take hold. You could also see a cranio osteopath as he may have something like a stiff joint, undefended diaphragm, etc from birth which would be quickly addressed by them.

Do you have any friends/family who can take your DD out a little! Make a fuss of that being a big treat so she doesn't feel pushed out? Can she "help" with DS so she feels part of it? Choosing his clothes, showing him how to play, time consuming things that occupy her and don't involve you doing much? Can you set up in the garden o she can run, play, etc with you cheering her on whilst parked with DS? Can your DH take some more tine off, maybe some long weekends so you have things to look forward to?

I'm only on dc one and frequently think "how do ppl cope with more than one?"

Most of all be kind to yourself!

*undecended

Thanks all. Sometimes he likes the sling, sometimes it just makes him angry - but then everything seems to make him angry. I've taken him to the doctors twice and discussed it with the health visitor and midwife, and it does seem to be colic not reflux. We've tried infacol, dentinox colic drops and Colief, with little success. DH won't entertain the idea of cranial osteopathy because he considers it up there with astrology and crystal healing - he's Mr Science. I am trying to give dd some one to one time, I took her for some new shoes this afternoon and it definitely cheered us both up. It was such a relief being away from ds for an hour - that sounds awful doesn't it?

Thanks for all the sympathy. I'm reciting 'this too will pass' and telling myself it will all be ok in a few months time, but by god it's hard.

This sounds like reflux to me, rather than colic, and made my friend's second baby experience a nightmare. Do look up all the symptoms and slings and swings are most help. Do rub, rather than pat and keep upright after feeds. Accept all the help you are offered, see the gp and remember it will get better in time. Good luck.

Bless you!! And you can't even have a glass of wine if you're BF! Grrr! Sounds like you're doing a sterling job. Not sure but doesn't infacol etc take a week-2 weeks to work? Might be you've cut the trial a little short if ds is only 2 weeks. My DD had awful reflux and I know how all consuming it can be, let alone having another dc to look after too. Big hugs... You will get there.

Sympathies to you. I had a similar experience with my youngest dd, ebf and very colicky.
It was such a different experience to my first dd and with a 2 year age gap juggling the 2 was draining.
I tried lots of things, vibrating chair, sheepskin to sleep on, dummy and from reading secrets of the baby whisperer changed the way I fed her. Apparently too much foremilk can make them windy. So rather than feeding alternate sides I,d let her go back to the side shed last fed on for a bit then switch if that makes sense.

Are there any mother and baby groups in your area ? I found those really helpful.It does get easier and the rewards of having 2 close together has worked well for us, They are now 7 and 9 and play so well together !

I should add one of those things worked but as I did them all on the same day more or less out of desperation I'm not sure which it was.

Dummies aren't recommended till 6 weeks either.

Keep up the good work :o

No something must be up if fussing at the breast. Could be reflux, could be reacting to dairy in your diet, could be massively overtired.

It's very claustrophobic, but I'd suggest wearing your baby in a sling all day. I did this with dd and went about my day with DS (aged 2). I could go to the park etc etc and play with DS while dd slept. Yes she cried too (she had reflux and would get very very upset if overtired) but being out helped. There were times when I couldn't take it any more but deep down I knew being in the sling was better. She slept most of the day and made her much happier.

Also forget about trying to get baby to nap "properly" in a cot. Your primary concern is survival. Easiest option is the sling. Don't keep baby awake - it'll make him worse. You really do forget how sleepy newborns are. Any more than 45 mins and DD would make us pay later!

The feeding issues - please see a BF counsellor or ring NCT. Is he gaining weight well? It could be reflux etc but could be tongue tie or that he's overtired and too fired or hungry to feed well.

I've just come out of this. Dd is 6 months, DS 2.6. When DD arrived I felt that I'd ruined things with DS and thought I'd made a huge mistake! Now, I feel things are settling down and we'll be ok. Once I'd got DD's reflux, tongue tie and colic sorted, it be ame easier. Also cosleeping helped too.

My friends are very sciencey and resorted to cranial osteopathy as a mark of desperation. It worked and they spent ages trying to figure out how. Not saying it would work for your little one but i don't think you should rule anything out.

DS was colicky but had worse times (evenings) when he would sit in the vibrating bouncy chair to calm him down.

For him to be fussing all the time it sounds like it could be more si I would persist with the GP. My first though was a dairy intolerance too as the two babies I knew with it also acted like your son.

Whatever it is though feel assured that it will get better. You are 2 weeks in and that is a very emotional time anyway.

My friends baby was like this, she had to cut out all dairy from her diet, he was like a different baby after she had. I can't remember the proper term for the intolerance though, good luck with finding out what's up!!!!

Oh we tried cranial osteopathy. Did naff all.

Don't assume it can't be reflux just because the health professionals say colic-our experience was that their knowledge and understanding of reflux was extremely varied. Keep going back if things don't improve. good luck.

Ohh I have been where you are now and it's hell isn't it. I was on the edge of tears nd so stressed out. DS1 was a tricky baby. All the things you describe and would only be soothed by me walking about with him..... for months :-( 4 years later and he's lovely and DS2 comes along and it all starts all over again. DS2 is every bit as high needs as DS1 and a terrible feeder. Early days were just a blur of screaming and me crying and wondering what the hell I had done. Even now 5 months later I struggle to split myself between the two boys and constantly feel snappy and guilty for giving neither of them the attention they deserve. It does get easier though. Nothing can compare to thos first 10- 12 weeks of hell when you're exhausted and hormones are still raging. It's horrific.

DS2 is now sleeping though 11 hours a night which helps massively as I now have my evenings back and feel like I get a break from the stress and crying! He's still fussy but not screamy like he was.

DS1 has coped brilliantly but is obviously older than your DD. She will cope and she'll adjust in time. You will cope and you will survive and things will get easier. Just very slowly. I hate everyone who told me that 'you barely notice your second child, they just realise they have to sort of fit into to DC1's routine blah blah blah'. That was totally not the case for us. DS1 was bloody hard work for the first 18 months. DS2 has been just as hard only now we have DS1 to entertain and feel guilty about too! It's not easy still but we are getting there. DS1 adores his brother and I hope now DS2 is sleeping we are over the biggest hurdle, though I know there will be ups and downs same as there was last time.

Do check out the reflux diagnosis. We tried every medication fo DS2 and it did nothing but his feeding has steadily improved on it's own and that I think was the key to him settling and sleeping better. He is far less grumpy than he was a few months ago. It will get better. If it's colic it will improve very soon. Before we know it these miserable babies will be happy squealing, laughing toddlers. DS1 is proof of that! Keep strong. You will survive. x

Oh also dairy free is definitely worth a go. DS2 has been dairy free since 10 weeks and has improved remarkably. Also as he develops and can play and entertain himself a bit it does get better.

Thanks. I think I'm going to give dairy free a go just as soon as I've polished off that lemon cheesecake in the fridge. Last night was awful, he woke every hour but would only feed for 10 minutes before falling asleep, so he wasn't getting enough to stay asleep longer. I didn't have the heart or the energy to wake him, so got into a totally vicious cycle. Felt knackered this morning but I made myself get up and dressed and organised - I slobbed around too much yesterday and that always depresses me; and we even went for a day out to look at a house. It was a real tonic and I feel so much better about things now. And possibly because I was more relaxed, ds fed much better and we didn't have anything like as much colicky crying. He was in the sling much of the day so that probably helped too. Both kids asleep by 8, fingers crossed for a better night. I'm determined not to let him get away with 10 minute feeds tonight.

Thank you for reminding me it will get better and for reassuring me that others go through this. It really helps. I've had a lot of 'oh the second one is easy they just fit in with your schedule' too and it's just depressing.

You poor bugger. Two weeks in is bloody awful. Don't feel bad about enjoying 1-1 time with your DD. When DC2 arrived for me it was a lovely thing for DH to take her so I could just do a story/some cooking with DS. It made me feel less bad for 'neglecting' him while DH was at work. And it seemed to help DS to be more understanding.

Of course you'll cope and it WILL get easier. Things that I found that helped:
DVDs/CBEEBIES
Storybooks for DC1, especially really annoying ones with buttons that made noises. I'd start feeding DD, have DS beside me and we'd talk about the book. He also liked the old-fashioned <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?hl=en&sa=X&biw=1366&bih=667&tbm=isch&prmd=imvnsz&tbnid=R20yg_cwN3a0qM:&imgrefurl=ukboutique.blogspot.com/&docid=6QggjeRBFKM4ZM&imgurl=3.bp.blogspot.com/_Pw0J5pjFiT0/TIK3BH0SFlI/AAAAAAAAAEE/WE6H4V_Tf6Y/s1600/IMG_0310.JPG&w=1600&h=1200&ei=LW3KT7MTxNfRBb61nMgB&zoom=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Leappad book which we got from a carboot sale
Cooking v easy stuff with DC1 with DC2 in a sling
Play-doh - on a little play table in the sitting room

I found that if I had a few of those things sorted for him then when she needed feeding I'd try to get him involved with one which normally gave me long enough.

I sympathise. I was in the same situation several years ago, those first few months were a complete blur. My salvation?......older DS went to nursery several hours a week. Just that bit of breathing space made all the difference.

....oh, and I went back to work part time too.

Hi Rhubarb. I don't have any advice but just wanted to say thank you for writing all that down - it's SO comforting to know I'm not the only one reaching the end of my tether! I have a 20mth old DS who's been ill over the last week and therefore behaving like a demon child, and I have 2mth old twins, one who suffers from really bad colic and sometimes seems to spend most conscious time crying! To top it all off, I discovered "D"H was a lying twat when I was pregnant, left him, and am now on my own! Feel like I'm never going to sleep again (obviously not true!) and while I ADORE all three of my children, sometimes I do wonder what I was thinking because it's virtually impossible to keep going sometimes! Having said that, we're now at the end of yet another day - DS is asleep in his bed, warm, clean and comfortable and the twins, while not asleep, are both clean, comfortable and filling their bellies as I type. So while I may be a bit of a wreck, I must be doing some things right... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Good tips, Columbo, thanks. I have already been making the most of cbeebies, I'm sure there will be a lot more of that.

Buttercups I take my hat off to you. If there's one thing I keep coming back to, it's how the hell do people on their own do this. You deserve a medal and I am humbled that you manage to cope with three of them on your own. As you say, if they are alive and asleep cosy in their beds at the end of the day, that's a successful result and we should drink to that!

Have you checked for a tongue tie, however minor? They are unbelievably common and cause big problems.

Sympathy, OP.

My DD is my first DC so no advice on managing 2 children but I wanted to say that she had some similar issues to your LO when she was tiny and I found that cutting tomato and onion out of my diet helped. I would really recommend seeing a LC too, the one I saw was really helpful and just a tiny tweak to some things really helped the efficiency of her feeding.

Huge sympathies - all I can remember really from those first few weeks is sheer panic and desperation about the exhaustion. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel starts to appear soon.