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Parenting

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Original poster

rather strict parenting style - anyone aware of it

45 replies

idealism · 28/05/2012 20:21

So, my Bro and SIL have a baby, their first born. here are their rules...
only they can hold her
no one else can change a nappy
no photos
no cuddles unless she is smiling
no one will babysit her
no one will push the pram except them
no one in house when she is asleep in case she awakes
this includes all immediate family mmbers.
Apparantely this is from a book and hv's are suggesting this..... my kids are teenagers now, - but anyone else heard of this...? Feel upset about it.

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Original poster

idealism · 28/05/2012 20:23

anyone...?

OP posts:

QueenEdith · 28/05/2012 20:24

Their first? Only a few weeks old?

Smile and nod.

tribpot · 28/05/2012 20:25

I think it's highly unlikely HVs are suggesting this. They may be politely agreeing to it because most of the restrictions aren't fundamentally wrong, just mad. BUT: "no cuddles unless she is smiling"?? WTF is that all about? :( That sounds very wrong.

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Original poster

idealism · 28/05/2012 20:25

she's 9 mnths now....

OP posts:

Sirzy · 28/05/2012 20:25

Sounds rather extreme. Give it a few weeks and they will start to beg for help relax!

Original poster

idealism · 28/05/2012 20:26

tribpot - I know; everything is so prescriptive

OP posts:

IslaValargeone · 28/05/2012 20:26

HV's suggesting this? I think not.
It's bonkers.

DarrowbyEightFive · 28/05/2012 20:29

Ah yes, this is the well-known neurotic PFB style of parenting. I rather prefer the benign neglect school myself...

tribpot · 28/05/2012 20:48

So genuinely, what do they do when she cries if not cuddle her? They don't just leave her do they?

TheGalliantLadyDidymus · 28/05/2012 20:50

What Tribpit said.

roundtable · 28/05/2012 20:50

No photos? They're going to regret that one.

How odd, I think they've made that up.

No good can come of it...

I agree with the poster who said smile and nod and back away slowly.

TheGalliantLadyDidymus · 28/05/2012 20:50

Tribpot even, sorry. Sausage fingers.

tribpot · 28/05/2012 20:52

Don't worry, Didymus, I've had worse!

EBDTeacher · 28/05/2012 21:09

Do they mean:

-they want do do all her intimate care (fair enough)
-no photos to be posted to the wider world via fb (fair enough)
-she will only be passed to others for cuddles if smiling (def fair enough- I hated it when MIL didn't give DS back to me when he got upset)
-they don't want to leave her with other people at the moment (fair enough)
-please don't wake her up when she finally sleeps (fair enough)

Don't quite get the pram thing. Although I did struggle to relax while my 5yo nephew was allowed to push DS in his buggy near water. Plenty of adults around, completely safe, but every hormone in me raging against it.

I think maybe you need to cut them a bit of slack.

Lexiesgirl · 28/05/2012 22:17

My (not so D)B and SiL were like this with their PFB. It was a nightmare then. And its just got worse. DN is 4 years old and still sleeps with them, as probably only been away from his mum for an hour at the most (and that includes with my DB), never socialises with other children, never plays outside. My parents and I aren't even allowed to go into another room in their house with him. The relationship between all of us is pretty much at breaking point...

So yes, smile and suck it up if you can, but a gentle prod in the direction of allowing close family members some involvement with the baby without being told the rules every two seconds is always helpful!

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2012 22:30

I wouldn't say it's strict parenting, I would say it's possessive parenting.

The opposite would be;

they give their child to any passer by when her nappy is dirty, rather than actually do it themselves.

lots and lots of photos posted on fb, even naked ones, when their pages aren't secure.

no cuddles unless she's smiling - don't quite get that, tbh.

allways out on the town, leaving her with anyone who will babysit/the local 14 yo and her dodgy boy friend.

always getting someone else to push the pram, not really caring if people don't look both ways when crossing the road pushing her pram.

having loud parties in the house, which means she can't sleep.

I doubt any of their parenting style has been suggested by the HV, but apart from the no cuddles if she's not smiling, it all seems in her/their best interests, if not yours or you families.

As she grows older, they will relax (I hope). Keep offering to help out with her....they might really need you one day. It takes a village because parents are only human and will probably, at some point, be knackered.

cory · 29/05/2012 07:41

I'd mildly disagree with Lynette and say it may be in their best interests but it won't be in the child's best interest longterm.

As babies grow into children they need more people to take an interest in them than their immediate family; engaged aunts and uncles can make an enormous difference to the child. I think you do your child an enormous disservice if you shut the outside world away: who says other people are going to know or want to come running back if you suddenly change your mind and want them again? Possessiveness is a very normal thing for the first few hormonal weeks but after that you need to start working way from it. This child is 9 months.

I think one one of the best things we can do for our children is to help them become part of the community. And that involves welcoming other people into their lives.

surroundedbyblondes · 29/05/2012 07:56

I can understand you feep

surroundedbyblondes · 29/05/2012 08:11

Oops, climbed on by a toddler!

I can understand how you feel, but as another poster said just smile and nod. It's their DC and they are doing what they believe is right. Maybe they're not coping particularly well and clinging to certain things that they feel help them. Just be there quietly in the background and accept their choices which, though very frustrating for a loving auntie, aren't massively harmful.

FWIW, we are v strict on our kids' naps too, we don't tend to have guests around that time and I know it has put my SILs back up, but last time I relented and had her here while DD2 was napping she just charged into her room saying she wanted to see her .

Sirzy · 29/05/2012 08:14

I agree cory, especially if it carries on as the child gets older.

SittingBull · 29/05/2012 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 29/05/2012 08:21

I see what you're saying EDBTeacher.

Idealism have they set out these rules? Or have you interpreted these rules from their behaviour?

exoticfruits · 29/05/2012 08:34

I agree with cory- it isn't in the interests of the child.
It isn't strict parenting- it is possessive parenting.
However since the baby is young I would just smile and nod- it won't work and if they have a second child it will go right out of the window!
When people have a baby they are at their worst - once the baby has a personality they don't get away with it, unless it is very passive.

exoticfruits · 29/05/2012 08:37

It isn't neglectful - on the face of it, it isn't harmful (or at least not in the short term)- however I would be very judgy and say that it is wrong.
I wouldn't say so- you won't get anywhere- I would just let them find out for themselves.

Maryz · 29/05/2012 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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