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Original poster

what can you do when your baby hates you?

45 replies

sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 04:27

thats it really, anything you can do?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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getbakainyourjimjams · 20/02/2006 04:38

Your baby doesn't hate you (got to go back to bed now, or I'll keel over tomorrow), but I guarantee he/she doesn't hate you.

If your baby is still little I'd really recommend the nature's nest Amby hammock- fab for soothing babies. (google will find it easily). DS3 loved it, ds2 would have as well.

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 04:49

he is 15 months and thanks for your kind words but I really do think I am just the mum he was hoping for.

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 20/02/2006 04:49

i can see this is keeping you awake at night, why do you think your baby hates you ? how olds your baby?

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Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 04:50

I mean not the mum he was hoping for.

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Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 04:52

I think he hates me cause that is how he acts, he has cried for the last 15months and now he is bigger he has added hitting and kicking to his crying. He doesnt like to be cuddled but comes over like he wants some cuddles and then turns away or squirms to get down. I have tried to be a nice mummy and to meet his needs but Im not doing a good job and he is unhappy

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hercules · 20/02/2006 04:54

How is the rest of your life? Is babies dad around? Your baby doesnt hate you, but you might be a bit depressed. DO you get much of a break?

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 04:57

life is good otherwise, I dont think I am depressed, just sad that I cant help him to be happy and dad is around but no I dont get any breaks.

OP posts:
hercules · 20/02/2006 04:59

Life with a child is not like the sound of music, most of it is bloody hard work with little thanks! You sound like you need more of a break tbh and some time to yourself. I'm no expert though.

onlyjoking9329 · 20/02/2006 04:59

have you always felt like this? are you on your own with the baby?

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 05:04

It has been pretty hard from day one. I keep waiting for it to all get better and for him to be more settled or at least act a little like I am not a dreadful mum responsible for the total misery that he seems to feel all the time. I agree I need a break but that is not an option at the moment. I need things I can change that will help him to like life and to maybe like me is all.

I have tried making a huge fuss if he is settled but he just hits out at me when I do this.

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 20/02/2006 05:09

i really wished i could help you with this but it is a difficult one, i had problems with my son who has autism, he used to mostly ignore me, but then again he would igrone everyone, wished he would ignore me at this time of the morning!
do you have a good health vistor you could talk to, sorry you are feeling this way and fingers crossed that it is a short lived phase

hercules · 20/02/2006 05:09

Do you go out to baby groups much?

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 05:15

Thank you, OnlyJoking when did you know that your son had autism if you dont mind me asking, just wondering if it is more than me just being a stink mum. Hercules, we try to go to whatever we can whenever we can or I would go insane. It used to help but now it is quite obvious that he is more angry and upset than the other children and that he and I are gettign things wrong as he just genuinely doesnt seem to like me.

OP posts:
hercules · 20/02/2006 05:16

Please get the "he doesnt like me" out of your mind. I agree about seeing your hv for help. Make sure you bump this tommorrow when there are more people around for advice.

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 05:19

Hercules I know what you are saying about get it out of my mind but it is easier said than done and it is the reason I came on here to get advice on how to change things around, thanks for all your advice, What do you mean bump this?.

OP posts:
mszebra · 20/02/2006 05:23

"bump" means when we post it goes to the top of the active conversations list, so that other people will see it and reply to you.

do you like your baby, sadmbm? Do you have good self-esteem yourself? Maybe those are places to start improving your relationship. It's your job to be the best mom you can be, you've got to try.

Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 05:35

I am trying believe me!! Yes I both like and love my baby and think I have good self esteem generally. I try very very hard to be a good mum, maybe I overdo it!

I get up each morning telling myself that it will be a good day and go in his room with a smile and a good morning, I cuddle him and take him through to the kitchen to get breakfast. It usually starts to fall to pieces about here, he has trouble with waiting while I get breakfast ready, I have tried...

Having some one on one time before breakfast giving him heaps of attention

Making a quick snack like a banana for him to munch while I get the rest ready (porridge etc)

Ignoring him while I try to get it ready

Acknowledging him "I know its really hard to wait when you want your breakfast straight away"

Anyway regardless he has a meltdown and only calms down once the meal is there and he is eating it. The calm lasts until its time to get cleaned up....
and so the day goes all day every day.

I pride myself on the fact that I have never ever lost my temper with him, I am always calm and I try very hard to give him clear boundaries and predictability.

I do want to be the best mom I can be but Im getting it wrong somehow and I dont know what else to try.

To be honest you have made me feel quite cross mszebra I wouldnt be on here with this issue if I wasnt trying to be a good mum.

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Original poster
sadmumbadmum · 20/02/2006 05:35

by the way thank you for explaining what bump meant.

OP posts:
yawningmonster · 20/02/2006 05:59

smbm, I have a ds that sounds a bit similar except when we go out he is pretty good. I think he gets bored and frustrated at home and it is very warying. Just believe in yourself and do your best, the rest is up to him. Have you had him allergy tested and checked out medically to ensure he is not in pain or reacting to a food which maybe causing some of the distress?

mszebra · 20/02/2006 06:04

didnt mean 2 make u feel bad. Some babies r just tuffer than others. You have 2 learn 2 choose your battles & understand how they're feeling -- therse things can b very hard. Meals can b a nightmare w/ my 20 m old cuz he's already fussy about feeding himself in many different ways. He's so pernickety it's hard not 2 upset him. Any time I try to help him he arches back, throws food on floor & screams at me.

If cleaning up post-meal winds your ds up maybe you should just do the min. & let him have a grubby face.

You mentioned "boundaries" which made me wonder if you're too strict, setting standards for cleanliness/no touching/perfect safety/whatever else that are actually more bother than they're worth.

yawningmonster · 20/02/2006 06:12

thanks mszebra just a little sensitive sorry. Re boundaries again I dont think Im too strict just that I think he needs consistency eg it is never ok to hit mummy, break the toys etc. Im pretty easy with mess etc and the face wiping is just the tip of the iceberg, I definately only do the minimum to make him presentable but everything is such a big deal to him. He is very reactionary to everything and goes through life very cross and because he is little most of his anger is directed at me. Very hard not to take it personally. I will try to look at our day tomorrow and see if there are any things that I can ease up on but I think mostly I am pretty easy going with him, maybe Im not strict enough?

yawningmonster · 20/02/2006 06:13

oops sorry just changed my name back and didnt warn anyone.

mszebra · 20/02/2006 06:21

he sounds quite sensitive... maybe a bit like his mom... ?
I'm back to bed, bump yourself up in the morning.

Flowertop · 20/02/2006 08:53

Hi sadmumbadmum, don't feel too bad about it. I do relate to a lot of what you are saying to some degree. My DS1 was always the one whinging and crying (still is in that category) as a a baby. We used to go to all the mums groups and there he was screaming his bloody head off. Time and again I used to go home in despair and wonder why I wasn't presented with a darling baby who loved me dearly. He wasn't very tactile, hated cuddles and never ever went to sleep in my arms. Also moaned constantly. He is 7 now and afraid still not the happiest little boy in the world outwardly but have begun to realise it wasn't me being a crap mum just his personality. He is still not warm and tactile but needs to be shown how much I love him in other ways. I have just had to accept this. So please don't beat yourself up you sound a fab mum who really cares. Just try and go with the flow. XX

Elibean · 20/02/2006 10:07

((Sadmum)) I'm sure you're anything but a crap mum. A crap mum would not be on mumsnet trying to sort things out, for starters. Sad, yes, and I would be too - bad? Not a bit of it.
I think all toddlers can behave like your ds some of (or most of!) the time, but this sounds pretty relentless, from what you say. Personally, if it was me, I think I'd want to get some sort of assessment - no idea who from, maybe starting with the HV - to see if my child had any allergies, sensory issues, etc etc that could be contributing. I've not been in your shoes, so I've no idea if thats appropriate or not - I'm sorry if its not - but I would just want an objective, outside input from a professional I trusted.
As well as from MNers, that is