what can you do when your baby hates you?

[sadmumbadmum]

thats it really, anything you can do?

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sadbadmum- you could be me. Seriously. I have had exactly all of your thoughts. My dd is also exactly like you ds. Just doesn't seem bothered in the slightest if i'm there or not, no cuddles, the squirming to get down, the hitting if i tried to cuddle her, i really did think she had autism, she generaly didn't act like she wanted her mummy at all, ever!!
You know what changed my thoughts on this one? she was ill. With a stinking, horrid cold and all she wanted was her mummy, i got sooo many cuddles and snuggles that it was quite overwhelming!
I realized that she did not hate me, she did need me and only a mummy can make a stinky cold feel better.
I also realized that she is just a very, very secure and independent girl who doesn't need to cling to mummy to feel loved and that made me feel very happy. Dd is 21 months old now and is still pretty much exaclty the same. We have special cuddles and bed time but generaly she's the same. finaly (and i do mean finaly) i'm happy with that. I hope you feel better soon- you really are not a crap mum, some babies are just more independant that others xxx

((Sadmum)). I'm sure you baby doesn't hate you. Most likely he is just one of those children who aren't particularly tactile and don't enjoy hugs all that much.
Some suggestions:
If there are situations that always set him off, think about how they can be avoided. For example, if he always gets frustrated waiting for breakfast, could you have it ready on the table for him before he gets into the kitchen? If he doesn't like you wiping his face, maybe you could let him do it and you could have a little "check" afterwards? Give him choices where practical so that he feels he has a little control in his life. "Would you like to wear your red jumper or your blue jumper" - that type of thing.
If there are unavoidable things that set him off, then acknowledge them "Sorry, but we have to go shopping, or we won't have any food" (or whatever) but ignore him after that. Praise and reward him when he's calmed down - it only has to be a big smile or a pat on the shoulder if he doesn't like physical contact. The idea is to ignore the behaviour you don't want and reward the behaviour you do.
Maybe try backing off a bit with the hugs etc. Always let go as soon as you think he's showing any signs at all of wanting to let go. Always smile afterwards and tell him how nice it was and how mummy enjoyed it. With luck, he might start to enjoy them himself in time...
And stop telling youself he hates you. He really, really doesn't.
Hope this helps.

SAdmum - oh poor you, you do sound so sad, and you also sound as if you are a very lovely and a very GOOD Mum.

I don't think babies DO hate their Mums. They make demands on them, and they react, but although YOU feel you can't do enough to make your baby happy, that won't, in reality, be what's going on.

But I'm not saying there isn't a problem - there is, because meeting his needs is wearing you out and making you feel unhappy. Have you spoken to your health Visitor about this? Is there another Mum who you trust to tell you what she is thinking, having watched your baby with you? How is he when someone else looks after him - his grandma or dad, for e.g?

Does he sleep ok? He sounds like an enthusiastic eater, at least. What was keeping you up at 4 a.m (and the rest of you MN-ers??)

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time

I will second what has already been said, go to you HV and tell her what you have told us

If you do, let us know how you get on

sadmum- my severely autistic child was the easiest, cuddliest most laid back relaxed baby there ever was (autistic children tend to be either very passive or the other extreme). DS3 - 13 months sounds very like your son- although he hits his siblings rather than me generally . I don't think he's autistic, but he is squirmy etc, not at all cuddly Very determined. We just call him the nightmare. I have known friedns with children like him and in general they have calmed down considerably once they are walking/talking well etc etc. I figure by 2 and a half ds3 will be stroppy with a temper (boy has he got a temper) but far easier than he is now.

Ds3 is the same with highchairs etc- he just wants to be out and running everywhere.

How about putting your ds3 with a childminder for a couple of mornings (or even one)? DS3 is the first I've done this with this young but he loves it (a new place to explore and run around).

My baby was like this for 20 months, she just hated being a baby, not being able to communicate, having things done to her, washing, dressing etc without any explanation. With the next baby i talked to her constantly as i was feeding her, changing her "I'm just lifting your legs and putting this nappy under you" for example. I felt like a bit of a wally at times but it worked we've had no terrible two's so far.
What was his birth like ? Have you tried baby massage ?

AngealD- think you've summed it up- ds3 hates being a baby is always bossing his brothers around and desperate to keep up, the other children I've known like this have been the same, and I think that's why they calm down once they are walking/talking etc. I think its personality though and very little you can do except provide as much freedom as possible for them to explore their environment. Every nappy change with ds3 leaves me traumatised and hot and bothered.

SMBM, I am soooooo sure your baby does not hate you. Some babys do spend a lot of their early years crying, more so than an average baby. My son was like this but it has since come to light he had glue ear, a sight condition, has a few sensory issues and is a "spirited child". It may be that your DS is ultra sensitive but is just too young to communicate other than crying.

Hang on in there!

Ds is 15m and spends a lot of his time trying to hit me at the moment. On the basis that it's a good idea to ignore the behaviour you don't like, I just put him down straight away, gently, quietly but quickly and turn and do something else. The message needs to be "it's really boring for you when you hit me". I was telling him "no" and picking him up while he was still upset but it works much better if I put him down, turn away and wait for him to come over or start playing with something else. If I do this consistently, it's really, really effective.

Also, just on the breakfast thing - what time are his last meal and last milk feed before bed? Maybe he needs something just a bit later so he doesn;t wake up so hungry (and impatient).

This business can be really hard but please don't think he hates you - you are his world but he can't tell you that. He needs your attention all the time and that can be exhausting but he really can't hate you.

ds hated me when he was 18 months. I think the trigger was when I weaned him. He had to put up with me by day but whenever dh was there he'd go hysterical if I tried to look after him. We have 'amusing' photos from the time where he's crying in every one in which I'm holding him.
Ride it out.
A few months later and he came round to me. He's 5 now. He always tells me that he loves me best (ha ha ha ha).

Can only really second what a lot of mums have already said, your DS doesn't hate you, but his behavior doesn't show it. As others have said, it might be worth speaking to your HV (if she's a nice HV) and getting him assessed if you're really worried about him. apart from lashing out etc, how is his development, is he crawling/walking? does he babble? how is he playing with toys? it may just be that he's an impatient sensitive baby.

Would also echo what beansprout just wrote, in that ignoring the hitting etc is far more effective than getting frustrated and trying to hold on to him while he's doing it. He'll quickly learn the mummy gives attention when I'm playing nicely but when I'm screaming she ignores me.

One other thing - babies are very perceptive, and are very sensitive to emotion/stress. Even though you might be calm with him, a lot of babies are very good at picking up if you're stressed, and this in turn can affect their behavior. If this situation is getting you down, and I have no doubt that it is, as it would get most people down, then it is possible your baby is picking up on it and this might be making the situation worse. You really should have a break, even if it is just for one night, just to have some "you" time, and you will come back revitalised.

good luck

If you are in or near London I will help you out if you would like, for no fee. If you are further than this I will offer the same via email (although this will be tough).

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This is a one-off, I don't expect anything in return except a smiling face from you and your ds!

It sounds to me like you have an unsettled/unhappy baby sadmum, you are NOT a bad mum. I read a similar story recently where the parents eventually took the baby to a cranial osteopath who found some kind of misalignment in the baby's skull. The osteopath was able to treat this and it really made a difference to the baby's temprement. Did you have a difficult birth by any chance, or a forceps delivery? It might be worth checking out - anything is better than feeling so crap about yourself

Sadandbadmum, how are you feeling today? I didn't see this thread earlier and not sure there's much I can add to what other people have said.
Except, my ds2 was a 'dreadful' baby. He was very domineering from day one and the terrible twos started at 9 months and continued until 4.5years! (I'm not really exagerating)
He was very agressive, and strong-willed and very physical and loud. If he hurt himself he would lash out at anyone who tried who pick him up and offer comfort.
I really thought I had a problem child on my hands. But we read a lot about positive parenting books and tried to be as patient as consistent as possible. He is now 5.5 and like a different child. He is still physical and loud, but intelligent, very gregarious and popular at school, and very very affectionate and funny at home.
Please talk to your health visitor for some support and maybe pratical advice. And please don't feel you are alone. There are many many people on MN with similar experiences who are happy to listen, offer advice etc now and in the future.
You are not a bad mum. And your son does love you (even if he doesn't really know it yet )

He doesn't hate you I can guarantee it. Hitting and kicking is normal at that age - it is the start of the terrible twos. Our ds started at 11 months. It is more likely he's frustrated. Do you discipline him at all and do you get a break from him at all? My ds needs a lot of stimulation and so goes to nursery three days a week. I need the break from him, both of us would go mad otherwise (I have dd at home now but he still went even when I was just pregnant)If you can't afford nursery what about friends with children helping out/leisure centre creche for an hour? Even an hour or two off a day can really help you feel better. He sounds quite independent as well. Some babies/toddlers just aren't that cuddly and go on to be quite independent adults (I'm thinking of one of my cousins). I think you sound depressed - and it might help to talk to your HV or GP. I was definitely depressed for a year after ds was born, never got any help and should have. If you still feel like this now he's 15 months I would try and talk to someone about it.

Hi Sad Mum, just want to agree with Em, are you sure you are not depressed? I felt EXACTLY the same way about my ds for the first 15 months, I thought he HATED me whilst I worshipped him!. Other people disagreed, but I was adamant. However I am now getting help with post natal depression and I can now see that he doesn't hate me. Our relationship has improved dramatically since I got help. Speak to your gp or hv, it would really be worth it.

Yawning monster, how does ds get on with his dad? Mine has always worshipped his dad but appeared to not care a less about me. I put this down to the fact that I was the main carer and he got bored with me! He is now 19 mo and is becoming affectionate (runs to me for kisses and cuddles)and will go to either of us when he wants comfort (though i was in the dog house last week when I put his beloved but seriously manky teddy bear in the washing machine, followed by tumble dryer). Another issue is that he is v stubborn and so am I and I think he senses this and competes! He has been hitting me for a few months (doesn't hit anyone else) but I time him out in his cot which seems to be doing the trick. In fact now when he does it I just say "do you want to go to your bedroom?" and he replies "no"! I chanced this at a friends house but it didn't work as he knew his bedroom wasn't there Agree with advice from others re having breakfast ready on the table and ditto with lunch etc. Is he a hungry boy? If he sleeps in the day maybe you could clear up then (or get some much needed rest). If he's an active boy maybe you could take him to an activity group eg music workshop. Also try having a bath with him as babies seem to love having a parent in the bath with them. One last thing, does ds see dh giving you lots of affection? This will show him how precious you are and he will hopefully emulate daddy. Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself as you're obviously trying very hard.