I love my children but I am becoming a rubbish mum?

[pamelat]

my children are 4 and just turned 2

I work part time. I enjoy my 3 days at work

On my days with the children, I've always found it quite hard, increasingly so now that the youngest is tantrumming/being 2

My children are high maintenance, beautiful, bright and healthy children and I love them. I am just not enjoying being with them :-(

I have started taking st johns Wort as getting quite down about it. Losing my temper more in the last 6 months, shouting at my poor babies for being naughty, which is horrid and not even constructive as the behaviour continues anyway

Meal times are the worse. My youngest is a poor eater so really trying to get good foods down him. Dd (4)?has started messing about at the table, and I think it's because she's jealous of my attention on his eating. This lunch time got out of control as he copies her but takes it a step further (being 2) and starts to CLIMB on the table!! They both lAugh and try to take control and I just shout and say things I regret and want to sob

I don't know why I cank keep patient with them. I just find being around them hugely stressful, like I can't control their behaviour?

I'm a lot better with just one of them at a tune but that's not life :-(

I have wondered about upping my working days before but felt too guilty

Anyone any experience of st johns wort at helping with anger/stress?

OP, not everyone is cut out to be a precious moments mama. Lots of us frequently find our children to be loud, annoying and struggle to be with them all the time and want to shout at them and cry. Being a parent is HARD WORK and some find it easier than others. There's absolutely no point feeling guilty about it or trying to change yourself because that just won't happen.

What you need to do is figure out the balance of with kids/away from kids time that best suits you, your children and your family. Nothing wrong with picking up another day at work if that will help you to be more relaxed around your children and enjoy the time you are together more.

I work full time, I cherish most the time I am home with my DDs. Other times they're still hard work and I send them outside to play while I have a bit of peace and quiet.

You are who you are. As I said, guilt is pointless. Just set things up in the way that suits all of you best and helps you to enjoy your children the most.

If you feel you need medicinal help, go to your GP and get some real meds.

Thank you

GP says nothing wrong with me but ibdont think anyone but my immediate family would see it. I look happy/healthy and on paper its all perfect

And i do totally love them

It's just hard for me to spend all day by myself with them and then I realise most other mums don't find it so

I like calm, quiet, academic sort of stuff but I do feel guilty for wanting to be alone/at work

I want to be perfect at being their mummy but then I shout and blame/resent them. Once they're asleep or someone else around I'm fine

I do feel v guilty :-(

Bad luck pamelat, sounds bad and also familiar. My two are 3.9 and 9 months, which is obviously not so bad as the little one is a baby, but I nonetheless get totally exasperated and shouty, and then ashamed/guilty. Sounds like you're in a rut and need to find a way to break the cycle. Could you change the mood by adding some variation and also fun structures?. Eg pizza Friday when they get to make pizza together. Or a picnic (even one inside if its raining) every Monday if they are good, or can invite some friends or even dolls/teddies if they do well on a star chart? Also unless your little one is medically underweight, maybe just let him/her eat what they choose even if it's tiny. My elder one ate no tea for about 18 months, but always had a good lunch and breakfast. I found it very very difficult, but she thrived so maybe that was all she needed. Your job is to offer heathy, varied food and their job is to eat it or not, as they wish. I know that is very very hard but it sounds like youre putting a lot of pressure on yourself a them and that needs to change before their eating habits or behaviour can. Good luck!

By the way, I an also mum who finds it hard to be with them all day and am often resentful. I also like quiet and mental space ! Working 3 days is v hard as you are really balancing 2 jobs and no time for yourself. Keeping both going is a massive strain on you if you ate juggling childcare as well. I think you need 2 hours to yourself every weekend to get some headspace. And/or if you have the money get a nanny to come I for a day on one of your home days so you're sharing the load and someone else can add their expertise at meatines.

Thank you

Ds is on 90percentile, somehow?!

I just worry that he will develop a bad diet as he would always choose sweet things first, unlike dd who devours broccoli (I got lucky there!!)

Ds wants to eat utter rubbish. At nursery he often eats none of his meal but will then eat the cake etc. They believe in offering it all and in the more relaxed way (which I can't do) let him decide what he wants. I now play games with vegetables to encourage him, which I e even know is wrong!!! And now dd (a good eater) thinks meal times are games too.

I don't know

Nursery tell me that they are high spirited children ie hard work?!!

Dd goes to school in sep so i am only 4 months from having 1 child at home. I think that will really really help, me and the children. I just don't want to wish their childhood on

I often wish I had waited to have the second when the first was at school. Im rubbish at having them both

Thank you for your advice. I know lots of people have it harder than me, my issues are how I don't deal with it

I hear dd shout sometimes and fear she has got the anger from me, which is sad

It doesn't help that I really enjoy my paid job and they'd love me to do an extra day but if I up to 4 days then ds has me less than dd did at this age, more guilt!!

You sound like you need strategies for dealing with the flash points. Going to work more won't make meal times easier for example.

You say your youngest is a fussy eater. Sounds like my 2 year old Dont give him more attention for not eating. Sit down together, eat together, but keep it calm. If he doesn't want to eat, fine. With ds I have some success asking him to sit at the table, then asking him to eat just one spoon then ignoring if he turns it down. DH and I carry on eating as normal.

Tantrums - make sure he's not hungry or tired as these cause major issues for our ds. So he still has to have a nap and I give snacks twice a day. Also pick my battles. If he wants to wear a policeman's helmet in the park, so be it. As long as noone is getting hurt then I'll let it go.

Ask for advice on the parenting boards about dealing with the two - I'm sure it'll help you feel more in control and, in turn, happier.

Iggly does your ds stay sat still if not eating though? My won't and it's ok at home but out for meals it's almost impossible!! Dd always sat with us as long as we entertained her. Ds just runs off

I do need to get some control back

I will try to relax around his food intake

He leads a structured day with food and naps. Sometimes 2 hours still at lunch. His tantrums are less than my daughters were at this age, it's just harder to deal with with another child around

He wants to be carried most of the time, except for when he decides to run off, a curious mix of clingy and overly independent? Although he runs off laughing, knowing I follow.

Anyway ...

I just don't want to shout at them as dd especially is at a age where what I an saying ( wanting to work more for example as a really bad example) will upset her

I agree its a good idea to relax about the eating. You can't get your prefered foods down him I'm afraid, they will just eat what the want at this age ime. Your job is to provide a good varied spread and let them get on with it as long as you don't have concerns that they are losing weight / sickly. This book helped me relax about ds and food.

Also I don't think you can control their behaviour at all times you are together. I only have one and he's still capable of outfoxing me. Maybe lower your standards and just concentrate on dangerous, hurtful behaviour.

Also in your posts you compare your dc a lot. Would it help to try more to accept them as being their own people?

A thing that really helps with stress is to find some way of relaxing - mediatation (just sit quietly and concentrate on slow steady breathing), running or swimming, visualing a peaceful scene that you can leap into when getting stressed.

I'd recommend st johns wort taken with agnus castus, 5 HTP, a good multivitamin and omega blend supplement, regular exercise & a lot of healthy food.

I have been there too. These would be my top tips:

• Decide in advance what is/ isn't acceptable. Tell them (esp 4 yr old). Introduce a consequence if there is any behaviour which is unacceptable. It sounds like you lose it, because you are staying patient, patient, patient, but then you've had enough. This doesn't help either you or kids, so try and introduce the way of dealing before you are losing it. I tried it and does make me feel more in control because I am dealing with behaviour before I get angry and they somehow sense I am in control.

• Food. If dd is ok without sweet stuff, then just cut it out for a while on the days he's home. It does dampen appetitie. If it's any consolation my ds2 was terrible with food at 2, but now at 3.5 he likes salad, rocket leaves, brocolli, beans etc. We do the no pudding if first course not adequately finished, which means 2 tastes of unfamiliar food and a decent amount of the rest (all the veg if it's just peas or brocolli or whatever not something 'adventurous'!).

• Go out a fair bit, especially while you have good weather. Sounds like you are better around others. Can you meet up with people, go to a toddler group, have people over? If you are a bit down, sometimes being around others is a great lift (if they are friends) and even watching them interract with dc can be fun.

• Finally, don't expect them to be robots. I say this to my dh all the time! They are kids. A bit of messing around is ok, and doesn't mean you're a terrible parent, but you need to know where you feel comfortable drawing the line.

Whatever you do, try and think about the sweet things they do too. The more you dwell on negative things, the worse you feel about yourself and them. It's horrible. I have been there. You feel like a failure that you can't control them, and you feel guilty that you're shouting and that you've somehow failed them, in bringing them up right. It does get easier! Mine are 3.5twins and a 6yo. We had a such lovely pm today (not always!), but everytime they are kind to each other or play well or say something sweet to me I dwell on it, and savour it. Keeps me sane!

Check out this thread too:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1458875-I-love-my-children-but-hate-being-a-mother-does-anyone-feel-the-same-I-need-help

Not quite the same issues but overall the same idea. Wrangling with small children over relentless things like what they eat can be horrendous. Apart from anything else it's boring (but also depresssing, thankless, apparently pointlesss). It really is no wonder so many women get depressed at this stage. I always think of the Rolling Stones song "Mother's Little Helper" - just to remind myself that this is not new. Women have always struggled with the drudgery and tedium of small children.

No advice but just to empathise. It does get better. (And work saves my life too - every day).

He's strapped in so he has no choice but to stay seated. When we eat out he goes in a high chair. Can you do that?

If he runs off at home, I'd try and put toys out of reach so he can't play while you eat (I'm forever saying its eating time not play time!) also if he's out and runs off, can you strap in a pushchair? Keep it boring, just get him back, tell him to sit nicely or he goes in.

(at home he has a booster seat with strap)

Hi pamelat, you are not alone here, I have a high spirited 3yo and a 10wko and I sometimes feel like its groundhog day. I get up resolving to be a playful cheerful mummy to ds and an organised calm mummy to little dd and usually end up being exasperated and cross by mid morning with an endless day ahead.

What I would say re your job is this. If working makes you happy and gives you something of yourself back again then don't feel guilty about upping your days. I went back full time after dc1 even when all of my peers with babies returned part time and I battled with guilt for doing so. I intend to return full time after this maternity leave too. I feel better working and believe I am a better mum for it too as I genuinely give all of myself happily when I get home and even when tired from working I seem to have the headspace I need to be so much more patient and calm at home.

Happy mummy = much better chance of happy babies in my world.

I'm sure most mums feel similar, some or all of the time, they just dont admit it. I do love being a Mum but I dont think I'm very good at it and therein lies the problem. We constantly measrue aourselves against the ideal, which in reality rarely exists.

I think lots of us feel similar, it is hard work!

I am prone to shouting, as my own mother was, and I try very hard to keep it in some check.

My advice based on what is working for me currently (two boys, 3.10 and 14 months).
Get them out in the garden whenever possible.
Try and give the elder one a bit of independence.
Use bribery in critical situations.
Don't make rules for the sake of it, save it for the important things.

pamelat, just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "you are not alone". I have a 2.5yo DS and am 35 weeks pregnant with DC2. I also work 3 days a week (or at least I do until the end of next week!) and I've ended up putting DS into nursery for the days I'd usually be at home with him. I just can't manage him at present - I don't feel particularly well and he is a very independent, strong-willed little chap. I feel v guilty about "dumping" him in nursery for the extra days but it really is the lesser of two evils for me at the moment. If I have him all day on my own, I guarantee I'll be shouting (and then weeping) by mid-morning. I have no idea how I'll cope when DC2 is on the outside. I'm just hoping I'll feel physically a bit better!

I'm not saying you should put your kids into nursery for extra days though :)

I try to look on the bright side. When DS is e.g. refusing to let me change his nappy, or put on his clothes in the morning, at least I can imagine that when he's older, he won't be one of these children who is easily intimidated or bullied, or who will be easily led into bad behaviour by other children. I was a bullied child because I didn't have the strength of character to stand up to the bullies. DS will most likely whack them with a chair

Thank you

Ds won't sit in his booster seat anymore and when he kicked off about it he thrashed about so much that the chair tipped over :-(

He's happy sitting on a normal chair but then I cant stop him from getting down.

We had avfanrastic day out yesterday, out all day having fun at a theme park. I really enjoyed it but have failed before 9am today

Both children woken up grumpy. Ds won't eat breakfast. There are chores to do but he won't let me ...

Anyway ivtried to stay positive but decided calpol was required. Ivan sure he's teething and his head was hot to the touch. I give him his medicine and dd decides she wants some and i say she can't, it's medicine and there's nothing wrong with her!!

She kicks off crying and went to grab the bottle( which hadn't yet gone back in the medicine cupboard which dh then told ME off for) but I lost it and really shouted at her, to include grabbing her arm and pulling her away from it

She's been annoying since waking at 630 but I know I was wrong to react, and really it's ds who has driven me crazy today, not her

Dh is cross with me for the medicine being out (it wa less than a minute since giving it to ds) and for how I shouted at dd.

It's just sad really. As someone said I do patient, patient, snap :-(

I have wondered about putting them both in to playgroup for 3 hours on one of my "off " work days to get the chores done, bit its obviously an additional expense and guilty etc but my stay at home mummy friends do get a couple of hours to themselves.

I just think it's sad that it's like this as if they didn't fight/squabble/kick off we could all have acreally nice day!!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, or that your children are particularly naughty. I think this is just one of the hardest stages of parenthood!

firstly, the guilt: all mums have The Guilt
secondly: Everyone else is perfect, and doing educational things all day, giving their kids healthy food only, and smile indulgently at a tantrum...WRONG, that's not true.

Mine are 7 and 9 now, and honestly, i can promise you that from where you are now, it gets easier and more fun every year. it does.

Practical tips:

• I have a fussy eater, I find ignoring him was the best thing ever. before that meal times were fraught affairs. I used to give him the food. he would sometimes not eat. Fine, but he has to stay at the table 10 minutes at least. that was the only rule. if he did not eat, no problem. No snacks though! Next meal time he would eb hungry. He was 2nd percentile in weight (and still is) so I have this secret desire to fatten him up, but you can not force feed a child and children do not starve themselves. But If you are worried by her not eating, then give her snacks to "top up" then she won't eat well at meal times....you're in a vicious circly, that you have to get out of. Fixed meal times, clear rules, it works

I had this, worked 3 days now work full time and love it. I don't feel guilty.

Rowood how do your kids find full time nursery?

I can't do it yet as dd starts school in sep and at the moment the cost of 2 in nursery equals about my wage!!

Then selfishly I think when she's at school, looking after one may be ok? I don't know.

I know I sound a bit like a spoilt brat but it's the frustration that I feel that I can't cope with.

I know or hope!! It will get better and easier but feel that I'm a year or two away from that. I can cope with it but it's the negative effects my anger will have on them that I'm more worried about, just the shouting

My parents Were not shouty parents but I was placid and easy going (apparently) and my mum was 18. I'm 33 and exhausted!!!