Am I the only person who doesn't want to send their 3 year old to nursery?

[YoullLaughAboutItOneDay]

DD1 is now 3, and eligible for her 15 hours in September. Thing is, I don't want to send her.

Around by me, all the nurseries/pre-schools that accept these vouchers want you to do five mornings or five afternoons a week, for 3 hours (although one weirdly does 4x 2 hours and then a long day). If you don't do five days, they threaten to re-allocate your place (I know they aren't meant to do this, but they all do).

I don't want her to do this. I feel that 3 is way too early to be forced into such a strict daily routine. Where are the days when we decide to feed the ducks, or play in the park sandpit, or head out for a day trip because it's sunny. She would have to give up swimming lessons (which she loves) and the short days mean her younger sister (nearly one) would basically not be able to start any activities either, and would also have to give up swimming. I couldn't fit anything good for her into the gaps.

Plus she still naps (though I realise she may have dropped it by September), so nursery and nap would basically take the whole day.

I therefore feel that, for my family, not doing nursery is better. We're happy and have fun. I think she has more interactions and experiences without, and we do lots of playgroups, etc for her to socialise.

The problem is I am being made to feel like a freak. Everyone around me thinks we (DH agrees with me) are mad. They also seem to take it as a criticism of their own desire to send their three year old (which it isn't).

So, is there anyone out there who has decided not to take their 15 nursery hours?

Don't send her if you don't want to, but there is no need to make such a big moral issue out of it.

You're creating a problem where none exists, IMO.

I didn't say it was a moral issue. I said other people were making me feel that my decision was so strange as to be incomprehensible and asking if others had made the same decision. You may feel that there is no problem, but I was just asking if others had been through the same thing.

youre not being wierd - based on what you've said about the hours BUT surely if you accept a place for say 5 x 3hr sessions - they get their funding and you dont actually have to send your child to ALL of the sessions? I can't see how it affects them if she happens to be 'ill' on various days of the week and therefore doesnt attend?

Each to their own. My kids loved nursery (and I loved sending them!) but that doesnt mean you have to.

My DD did 5 x 3 hours from 2.10 (French maternelle). It was a killer year, tbh, and you are not being unreasonable to think that your DD won't be able to do anything else. But, if I were you, I would send her anyway and just take lots of days off!

What about using the vouchers for a private nursery? Around our way they all accept children on a part time basis. You may find each session is for 4 hours so you will have to top up the fees.

Ds1 started private nursery at 2.5 for a couple of mornings then moved into state at 3.5 he had to do 5 mornings, I would have preferred less but that's how it had to be. Now all the state nurseries are more flexible and you can have the 15 hours spread over the week.

Ds2 starts nursery in September(2 mornings) and I can't wait to have some time away from him. That sounds awful but I don't get a break from him at all Monday-Friday. I am self employed and it will be easier once he is in nursery.

none of mine did 5 days a week. i would have hated it for all the reasons you state. i think it's way too much

unless the nurseries/pre-schools near you are all oversubscribed then i would just say "i want a place and she will be doing x mornings a week"

one of them will give you a place. and if they don't htat's their loss quite frankly.

I don't know if ds3 will be using any of his hours in september, because he is still quite clingy and doesn't really like me leaving him anywhere. so he might just not go

and yes, like bonnie, we use a private nursery. so ds2 does 3 sessions a week, each session is 4 hours.

what ours does though is give you 11 hours a week, but all year round, which I quite like.
so he does 12 hours a week and we just pay for the extra hour each week. he also stays and has lunch there which he really enjoys, and it gives me a bit longer to do stuff

Second the suggestion about using the vouchers for private nursery (provided you can budget for the top-up cost) and then picking sessions to suit you (DC1 will be going for two mornings a week). I can understand where you're coming from. 3 is when they just start to get interesting!!

What persuaded me in the end was that that DC1 is an August baby (so will be youngest in Reception) and I don't want school to be the first experience of being away from me in a more institutionalised environment. Figure easing in gently is good for both of us.

I did take the 15 hours and send dd1 5 mornings a week but tbh, I found that really helpful. Most groups around here are mornings so it meant I could start taking dd2 to things (hardly any cater for a baby & toddler). I also found that dd1 started having a nap again one or two days a week, so those were the days we stayed in and we could go out on the other days in the afternoon. Often dd2 would nap and it meant I got pretty much one-to-one time with both of them.

That said I know there were some things I couldn't have gone to because of the timings of it all and a friend chose the first half of the week option because it meant her dd could go to certain things.

I think it's probably as much about what's available near you that determines how useful the session timings are.

At my daughter's pre-school you can choose how many sessions of funding you take up, so she goes 4 mornings. We initially just did 2, upped it to 3 (with no intention of upping it anymore) but then went to 4 mornings as she just absolutely loves it, its an amazing place, she has a fantastic time and is doing so much there and asked to do more! She's developing social skills as well as getting a chance to do a lot of running around and messy play and crafts and all the other things you'd expect them to do.

We go mornings so come home for lunch and then there is plenty of time in the afternoon for the park/beach/ playing at home or with friends. She does ballet and swimming as well without any difficulty.

I've found it very helpful to have time with my baby while the bigger one is at pre-school otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do any activities just her and me.

Of course it might not be what you decide to do but it might be worth having look at some of the good ones and maybe just doing 2 mornings to prepare for school? I've been pleasantly surprised!

Thanks everyone. The problem with taking lots of days off, or telling them we will attend three days, is that I am in a very oversubscribed area of London, so they can fill their places easily and get all snotty about you not attending even if you are 'paying' for the full 15 hours. One told us that they carefully planning continuity of activities and if you miss days you will mess that up, so they will reallocate your place.

I can look into a private nursery. The ones closest to me have minimum hours requirements for those using vouchers (to make sure you pay enough extra to make it worth their while), but I don't know if some slightly further may be more relaxed. Two mornings a week sounds lovely!

I would go for the 2x4 hours + 1 full day one - then you get 2 days free, so that sounds really good. tbh being locked into 3 hours every day is a pain in a way, because it restricts other activities but if its mornings that would probably be okay (my ds goes afternoons)

But if you dont want to send her then dont! or what you could do, see about sending her later on? eg january or after easter hols so she has atleast one or 2 terms at nursery? i started my ds late, but that was due to moving house.

I was in an oversuscribed area but with the recession a lot of parents have cut their days/hours, so private nurseries are less oversubscribed than they were. If you can be flexible over which days you do, one might well be able to slot you in.

Ah yes - we moved down south from London and the borough we were in had lots of "nursery years" attached to schools. Had we gone to one of those, it was a case of mornings or afternoons and a lot more school like. That's quite a different set up to what we have here.

I don't even know if they have the more old-fashioned pre-school set up where we used to live. I certainly found it helped to do a couple of mornings and slowly up the mornings rather than straight into school a year early.

I'd understand your worry, that is quite a different situation to the one we're in.

Our son started pre school nursery aged 2.7 3 times a week and is now up to 4, aged 2.11. From September he will be doing the full 3 hours, 5 times a week and staying one day a week for lunch and an afternoon activity. We have been very guided by the nursery as to the amount they think he should be doing and, although challenging, it clearly is right for him. He still does afternoon activities at home and of course there are weekends, bank hols and we are happy to pull him out of nursery for family hols (as are they). He is clearly better able to socialise with lots of children now and that is mainly what it ought to be about and what his nursery prioritises. In addition he gets to do regular crafty stuff etc which can be a bore at home (unless you like that kind of thing).

A fringe benefit is that it allows the parent to spend a little 1/1 time with the younger sibling, who has probably never had much of this and, certainly in our case, thrives on it.

I do think that unless you are up to 3 hours 5 times a week at least some time before school, then reception will be an awful shock to a child. Also, if you just send them once or twice a week, it will never become a routine for them, as it ought to be. I think there is a huge difference between childcare and pre school nursery, which should be about actually giving a child interesting experiences and preparing them for school.

I home educate and I get the same reactions as you describe in the OP.
People definitely take my home educating as a direct critism of their choice to educate via school.

Unfortunately if you step outside of the boxes people are used to, you will get stick for it.
We've stopped noticing it now but at first it really bothered me.

That seems mad tbh. I would think few 3 year olds would cope with 5 days .Ds (april born did 3 days when 3( and we often skivved one of those. Then up to 4 days the term before starting school. Dd (october) did 5 days in the year before school, but she was 4 and she had plenty of days off. Those pre-school days are so precious I would shop.around for a nursery who "lets" you do fewer sessions

Hi You'll, the private nursery can't us a minimum requirements tat mean you have to use extra hours and pay, if they accept vouchers it has to be "free at the point of delivery". Effectively, this means no admin fee, no deposit if you only want to use the 15 hrs a week (they can charge both of those if you want longer than 15 hrs). We had a right to-do with our private nursery when DD turned 3 and got funding, took 6months to get sorted but there is a section of your local council that deals with this. We got our free hours and a bill of £600 wiped as we'd only been doing 15 hrs a week so should have been free but their invoicing was over complicated and caused an issue.
The section of our council that dealt with this is the Families Information Service.

This is a link to the Derby gov site about early years which is quite clear, there should be something similar on your councils's site. If you go through a private nursery they might offer 3 days of 6hours but you will probably have to pay for lunch / snacks, this should be agreed in advance though as to hw much you would need to pay. Also, you would want 'termtime' hours, so just the 15 hours a week for 38 weeks a year, even though the nursery would be open all year apart from Christmas, otherwise you will be paying for 14 weeks of 15 hours over the year.

So don't send her to nursery. It's not a big deal.
If th nuseries are over subscribed let someone have the place and you can feed ducks all day every day if you want.

I don't see a problem with keeping your dd at home although bear in mind you may find its a different kettle of fish.

I thought 15 hours would be too much for DD1 when she started but decided to take the place and adjust her hours down if need be.

She loves it. She asks if she can go at the weekend. Hers is a 'community nursery' rather than a pre school attached to a school and she goes 9-12 every day. The lady who runs it is amazing though and very flexible and all of the children have been able to do as many or as few mornings as they like.

We've not long had our school place allocated for DD1 (4 in August) and at least twenty of her little friends will be part of the intake of 60 that year. I'm really pleased she enjoys her time there so much, she wants to go at weekends too. It's been amazing for her, a real boost to her confidence and her social skills have really come on there.

I'm not telling you all of this to tell you that you're making a wrong decision - just that for all of your 'againsts' there will also be 'fors' (if you can find the right environment.

For me, personally, I really enjoy the structure that the pre school run gives to our day - getting to chat to other parents every day, getting some time in the morning to get jobs done with only one child in tow. I am much happier now than I was slogging it out trying to fill 5 days a week with a baby and toddler.

HOWEVER, it is your decision. And if you and your DD are happy with it, then that's all that matters.

I didn't send both of mine until after they were 3. They are both winter birthdays so would have had 2 full years of nursery which I didn't think was necessary.

Both only went 2 mornings a week, and the most they went was for 3 mornings a week when they were 4. This was 15 years ago and they are very bright girls, so they weren't adversly affected by it.

At the time it was very common to only do 3 mornings and DC couldn't start until the term they were 3 and had to be potty trained. I think you know your child best and should do what you think is right.

I don't send my three year old because I dont like the local nursery and I don't drive...yet

I think she would cope/ enjoy nursery far more than you will cope with not seeing her. So for that reason it's probably not the right choice for you.

Haven't read the whole thread, so not sure if anyone has suggested a childminder so you can have more flexibility with the hours. But essentially, you don't have to send her until you're ready/ don't have a choice.

But it's only 3 hrs a day and you can choose either mornings or afternoons...so I don't see why that would prevent you going to feed the ducks/do other activities

If you think your daughter is not ready, fine. Mine went for 2.5 hrs every day from 2 yo and then full time from 2.5yo. She loves it though, always goes there happily and often doesn't want to leave.

I think you're making it more dramatic than it really is. I don't see how 3hours of a day can make that much difference to your day and it could provide your DD with new activities, friends and introduce her to a collectivity/school-like environment which could be useful before she starts scchool iyswim.