Am I the only person who doesn't want to send their 3 year old to nursery?

[YoullLaughAboutItOneDay]

DD1 is now 3, and eligible for her 15 hours in September. Thing is, I don't want to send her.

Around by me, all the nurseries/pre-schools that accept these vouchers want you to do five mornings or five afternoons a week, for 3 hours (although one weirdly does 4x 2 hours and then a long day). If you don't do five days, they threaten to re-allocate your place (I know they aren't meant to do this, but they all do).

I don't want her to do this. I feel that 3 is way too early to be forced into such a strict daily routine. Where are the days when we decide to feed the ducks, or play in the park sandpit, or head out for a day trip because it's sunny. She would have to give up swimming lessons (which she loves) and the short days mean her younger sister (nearly one) would basically not be able to start any activities either, and would also have to give up swimming. I couldn't fit anything good for her into the gaps.

Plus she still naps (though I realise she may have dropped it by September), so nursery and nap would basically take the whole day.

I therefore feel that, for my family, not doing nursery is better. We're happy and have fun. I think she has more interactions and experiences without, and we do lots of playgroups, etc for her to socialise.

The problem is I am being made to feel like a freak. Everyone around me thinks we (DH agrees with me) are mad. They also seem to take it as a criticism of their own desire to send their three year old (which it isn't).

So, is there anyone out there who has decided not to take their 15 nursery hours?

Thanks for all the responses.

EmandLu- that's interesting. I can see the parallels.

Winnybella - It really would be our whole day. DD1 still naps. She can manage without for the odd day, but past that she gets all grumpy and pretty much takes herself off to bed. She sleeps an average of two hours a day. She totally loves her sleep (takes after her mum! Shame she didn't as a baby). I realise she might drop it by September, but then I thought that six months ago. So if she did morning nursery. Home, lunch, nap, it would be 3.30 and the day would be pretty much gone. Especially in winter.

Arion - Very interesting. I guess they get away with it because no one thinks to check whether they are allowed to?

I think what this is reinforcing for me is that it becomes far less of a big deal once they don't need a day sleep, so maybe I see how we are going by Christmas and think about January. There is a possibility we may move to a new area at that point (all job dependent), so in that case maybe we'll get lucky and move to an area where they will happily let her do three mornings or something .

I'm not too worried about the whole 'get up to five days to prepare them for school' thing. My mum is a reception teacher and reckons that for the majority of children (don't know how to put this without getting jumped on, but she basically means children with involved, interested parents), it doesn't make much difference so long as they've done activities, learned how to put on their own jumper, etc, etc. She says you can only tell for about the first half term those who have spent lots of time at nursery as opposed to those who have done a little bit. The early years curriculum is so much more gentle as an introduction these days.

My DS turned 3 last month, and I have no intention of sending him to nursery. I feel like I'm the only mum on Earth who is keeping their child at home, but I don't care, I'm doing what I think is best for us.

My youngest is 4.5 and never been to nursery (and isn't starting school until he's 6 thanks to deferring). People DO get sniffy about it for some reason. My own mother practically makes out I'm making an anti-social clingy boy despite spending time with him every week and he's clearly none of those things!

I just nod, smile and say we're thinking about applying for nursery soon. Even though we aren't. It's just easier that way.

i wasnt sure about sending my dd1 to nursery as she was only 3.2 in the sept when she started. i thought i could still take her to playgroups/activities and enjoy time together.

i looked around the nursery and attached school and realised the nursery and reception were linked/kids played in same playground and often shared classrooms, nursery were involved in assemblies, school plays, shows, trips, it was so much more than play.

i sent dd1 and although she is quiet and quite clingy she loved it and loved the teacher and is now happy in reception knowing about 25 kids from nursery and having been in the room last year too.

it also gave me one to one time with dd2 to do baby groups and play.

dd2 will be going the sept aftern she is 3.

I'm not going to send my currently 2.4 y.o. to nursery, although we're planning to home educate so we're going to be that bit more controversial.

IME it's in the middle class, well-to-do areas that you get the most flak for doing things differently - because the people who care most about education are the ones who feel threatened by people who do things differently. I just stick to the 'it's what we think will work best for our family' line and repeat ad infinitum. People have to accept it in the end.

I think it is up to you. If you dont want to then don't, there is no problem with that.
Equally, there is no problem sending her. I know when i went back to work i agonised about sedning my eldest to nursery - yet the agony was mine. He was fine and loved it and it definitely helped in his socialising, sharing, communication, etc etc in preparation for school. I was the one who struggled with separation not him!
You could also try her and give her time to settle in and see how it goes? You might find that she really enjoys spending time with little friends of her owm and you might come to like the time it gives you. If not, then take her out

Just another example of how every single parenting decision gets judged and debated.. But then, there'd be no need for Mumsnet otherwise!

I can't wait to send my DD, because I think we'll both benefit. But I don't think the whole 'socialising' argument necessarily applies to all children. A friend of mine has kept all her three boys at home until they went to school and has not had an issue with any of them being clingy when the time came to go to school.

When I was a child, playschool was as sophisticated as it got, but many children were at home until they went to school. It's just a cultural thing now that with free early years places, everyone thinks they have to take them or they're doing something wrong. Do whatever feels right and perhaps ask the people who you feel are judging you why they think that?

I agree that 5 days a week could be over structured for a 3 year old. My DD has done two mornings a week since she was 3 (2.5 hours, Tues, Thurs). I really like the bit of time I get to myself, but I also really like the no pre-school days as we don't have to rush so much in the mornings.

She will be 4 in Sept and start going Mon/Wed/Fri 9-2pm.

I am happy that she will be doing longer days in preparation for starting school the next year and it will also give me some precious one-on-one time with DC2 who is due in June.

Ultimately you know your DD best and what will suit your family, we all have different reasons/needs so you are best to judge that for yourself.

It seems you are unfairly constrained by the settings. If you can find one that will offer a different arrangement, it seems that would suit you best. You won't be the only parent who wants fewer sessions and some settings might be glad that your dc can make up the full week of another child iyswim.

I do understand how you feel about the 5 days. What's best is different for each child. In my experience, three terms of preschool is sufficient for even the summer birthdays. If others want to do more, fine. Otherwise stick to your guns. I would aim for three mornings, consecutive if possible. See if you can do 4 hours to include lunchtime. (This is very helpful for preparing for school).

School transition from 6hours over five day from 4hours over three works very well.

Hope this is helpful.

I only sent my dd1+2 maximum 3 days a week (we were lucky to be able to do that); one of the nurseries did use the 'oh how on earth will she cope with school', both of them coped absolutely fine. All children (unless in full time nursery etc) will have a 5-6 week break before they start in September, which I find even for me is plenty of time to get out of the habit of the school run.

I fill the other two days with swimming, activity groups, park trips, longer trips, the dreaded IKEA trek, etc. They are kept busy, just doing outside learning rather than being in a classroom setting. This time is especially important when you have older children in full time education, as you are then constrained at the other end of the day, meaning on a nursery day, once you have got home and had lunch you only have about 2 hrs before you need to be back to pick the others up. It's barely time to get the baking things out and bake cakes (when he is 'helping' - obviously I can do it quicker on my own), let alone cool and decorate! It might be different when he is nearly 5, or if we could do long days I would do one long and two short. For me though I have always enjoyed spending time with them doing things, and don't see why anyone else should have that pleasure 5 days a week. I always involved them in the decision when more days were offered, and they always decided that they were fine on three days a week.

Don't feel pressurised into sending her, you've only got another year and she will be in school, however she may find it beneficial if you can find somewhere who will give her 2/3 sessions a week. Agree the church hall type ones are probably more flexible on that, they should all these days be open to splitting funding. You could try ringing the LEA with your problem and see if they can advise on your situation and what they should be offering.

just a couple of thoughts - you could take your DD swimming at the weekend, it doesn't have to be a lesson at this age; surely between 9-12 is plenty of time for you to take your younger DD to a class. I drop DS off at nine, DD does a class from 9.30-10.15, we have a potter round shops etc, I pick DS up, lunch etc then whatever in the afternoon. DS is 2.9 and does three mornings and he will do 5 in september. He enjoys it, does far more creative / messy stuff than he does at home. Obviously you need to do what suits you and them best but don't complain if the nurseries don't want to waste a place on someone who won't be there much - as you say, they are oversubscribed and its not all about money, continuity is important if you are doing some kind of project or group work. Also, I can imagine a post on here: I want my DD to go to nursery but its full. Half the places have been allocated to people who don't turn up half the time....

I don't think you are strange at all - you have to do what is right for you and your child. The years of strict routine will come round soon enough so enjoy this special time where you are free to decide what to do each day!!!

No need to send her if you don't want to. It's a shame all the nurseries near you insist on 5 days. I would hate to be tied in to going to nursery 5 days a week, it's very restrictive on what else you can do and means you have to be out every morning without fail - this is why I've chosen one near me that allows 2 or 3 days. School will come round soon enough!

I really don't buy the argument either that children need to be used to going to nursery 5 days a week before they start school - after a 6 week summer holiday the routine of going to nursery/school every day will be forgotten at that young age.

pssst: I'll let you in on a little secret.

You accept a place with 5 sessions. Then you only send her when you feel like it. If they ask why she's not coming every time you say "Oh, she had to get her jabs/she had a cold/my mom wanted to take her to cinema/she was throwing up/the car broke down" etc. Parents do this ALL the time.

They probably won't notice or keep track.
If she starts school Sept 2013 I think it would be good for her to have a year of preschool beforehand, even if it's only 2-4 sessions/week.

I don't think you're making a silly decision, I think it's a shame your local pre schools and nurseries can't be more flexible. DS attended pre school 5 mornings a week because I thought he was too little (literally only just 3) to cope with full days and I had an agreement with the pre school that I could reduce his days if he found it too much. Luckily he loved it and often said he wanted to stay all day! He must have been bored at home! DD1 now goes to pre school but she goes 2 full days and a morning which suits us all much better as I would be going to school and back 3 times a day and she absolutely loves it. Obviously it depends on the child but both DS and DD1 have come on in leaps and bounds since attending pre school. They were both very shy children (DD1 still is) but I am much less worried about her starting Reception in September than I would have been if she hadn't attended pre school. But that's just my experience.