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Original poster

help with sleepover with 6 year old in nappies

33 replies

netime · 20/05/2012 00:38

as above, dd is having a party and wants to have a couple of close friends to sleep over, one of the mums told me this afternoon (sleepover next saturday) that her dd has a poop problem as in she will only poop in her sleep in a nappy!!!......there is no way on this earth that i am prepared to clean up a 6 year old dd covered in poo that is not my own, i can not have this child sleep over but not sure how to delicately put this to the mum, if it was my daughter with the problem i would not accept a sleepover invite unless she was clean..help please

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Octaviapink · 20/05/2012 06:17

I don't know - I think I would. This little girl probably has a pretty tough time already and ostracising her for something she can't control seems hard. I would ask the mother how it's normally dealt with - does the little girl clean herself up or does she need help, is it nappies or pullups. You don't know, she might just need you to give her a hand. It might have been quite hard for the mother to tell you that her daughter still has toileting issues at night and she might be doing everything she can to help her DD have a normal social life. I think I'd cut her a bit more slack.

HSMM · 20/05/2012 06:22

You can encourage her to poo before she goes to bed. You can wear gloves to clean her up if she needs help. You could show this little girl that she can still join in with her friends by being discrete and supportive.

I know it's not ideal, but try and see it from her point of view.

linziluv · 20/05/2012 06:27

I know exactly what you mean, I hate all poo but tolerate my own DC's......however......there is no way on earth I could let down this little girl....like somebody said, she may already feel isolated and embarrassed.....if I was the mother of the girl I would be completely heartbroken too....it's only one night, I'm assuming she will have poo then that's that? A bit different if she were like my DS, constantly staining due to holding in...but as mum I wouldn't have put him in the situation anyway till it was manageable.

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PotteringAlong · 20/05/2012 06:42

You say you wouldn't accept a sleepover invite until your daughter was clean, but imagine her watching all her friends going off on sleep overs or, even worse, being invited and then un-invited for what is going to be, by that age, a medical problem you know makes you different.

No one's saying it's ideal, but you could be the only sleepover she goes to! It's just one change...

BabyDubsEverywhere · 20/05/2012 11:38

I couldn't do it either, i would be gagging, pathetic i know but I can't help it, completely involutary, its not age related for me, I'm fine with my own chilldrens bodily fluids but other peoples, even babies, makes me heave.

The only way I could do it would be if I could call the mom to come over and sort her DD out when the time came and then she could continue with the sleepover. I would be more then happy to do this for my child so they could join in with their friends.

Longdistance · 20/05/2012 13:44

Awww! Find out if she cleans it herself before you stop her from coming. I'm sure she gets a hard time from her parents. I really feel for lo's who poo/wee their bed at nite.
My nephew used to wet the bed at nite til the age of 10, and they made him change schools, see a psychiatrist, get councelling etc. they gave up, and made him sleep in the garage :( as my sil couldn't be bothered to clean the mess up. He's in his teens now, and I really feel for him, as he gets given a hard time by his parents, and he looks so miserable :(

Lexiesgirl · 20/05/2012 15:21

I'd find out what is involved before making a full decision. Yes, I agree, the thought of clearing up any poo but my DC's makes me gag BUT for all you know the family may have been struggling with this for years, seen specialists etc, and if so it seems so unbelievably unfair on that poor girl not to have the same fun as everyone else.

hiveofbees · 20/05/2012 15:25

I think that if she needs any help with this then the mum should arrange to come round and deal with it. IMO it isnt appropriate to expect you to do this for a 6 year old.

Hebiegebies · 20/05/2012 15:28

HSSM, if the girl could be encouraged to poo before she went to bed im sure the parents would have already done this!

Agree with other posters that you need to get more info, but not stop the sleep over.

How close do they live to you, our her mum come ver first thing in the am?

gingerchick · 20/05/2012 15:31

What would you do if one of The kids got sick and vomitted tell the mum to come and clean it?! Poor little girl I really don't see the problem I'm sure the little girl would be much more embarrassed at having to be changed. Massive overreaction IMO

hiveofbees · 20/05/2012 15:52

This is about the dignity of the 6 year old as well as the feeling of the OP. What 6 year old would want a friends mum that they hardly know doing this?

ToryLovell · 20/05/2012 16:05

What hive says

molschambers · 20/05/2012 16:14

Tbh I'm surprised the mum didn't make up an excuse why her DD couldn't stay over. I would have collected her at bedtime if she was mine rather than have to explain to others and have DD embarassed. At six she must be aware that her friends don't wear nappies to bed surely?

As for the cleaning of the poo - buy some disposable gloves and don't breathe in through your nose. You're an adult OP. Of course you can clean a dirty arse. Though she will probably try to do it herself i would have thought.

Poor kid.

wellwisher · 20/05/2012 16:20

I wouldn't be happy with this either tbh, but I think I'd cancel the whole sleepover (and come up with a daytime activity good enough to compensate) rather than uninvite one child at this stage. 6 is really young for sleeping over in any case.

BerryLellow · 20/05/2012 16:23

Oh the poor little girl, she must be so embarrassed.

Yes, it will be unpleasant, but can't you just get past that for one night? Mouth breathe, gloves, it will be over in minutes. The good you could do for the child must surely outweigh any repulsion?

madwomanintheattic · 20/05/2012 16:24

You can't?

How precious. Of course you could. If you actually cared about not ostracising a child because of a medical problem.

madwomanintheattic · 20/05/2012 16:26

Long distance - they made him sleep in the garage?

ripsishere · 20/05/2012 16:30

Two things, OP have you actually asked the mum how it is dealt with. Is it possible that the child rolls the nappy up, puts it into a carrier bag and cleans herself with wet wipes. I don't imagine the mum, who is probably mortified would expect you to clean her DD.
Longdistance. You must expand on that. It is barbaric.

BenedictsCumberbitch · 20/05/2012 16:37

That poor girl. Reminds me very much of my own gorgeous DD who had pooing issues herself until a couple of years ago so around a similar age, it's a medical problem, no amount of begging, pleading, yelling or reasoning with my DD could get her to do a poo unless her body was physically doing it involuntarily. It took a shedload of laxatives, counselling and several paediatricians before she could go to the toilet anything like a normal 6 year old would. However, she would have done her utmost not to have had a poo at a friends house, so you'd probably find that it won't be an issue anyway. Please don't exclude her.

empirestateofmind · 20/05/2012 16:49

Longdistance- please come back with some more info. Is your DN still being treated badly?

OP I would be coming up with an even better and more fun plan that would unfortunately mean there wouldn't be time for the sleepover.

Say the little girl did come and used a nappy and the others realised what she had done. The poor girl could be mortified about this for years, even if they never mentioned it. My girls remember things that happened with friends at this age. What was the mum thinking accepting the invitation?

KateF · 20/05/2012 16:49

It is really really hard to have a child with toiletting problems as so many people find it unacceptable and are very judgemental.
My nearly 8 year old has bladder and bowel problems both requiring medication. She has been to sleepovers and Brownie pack holiday and all adults concerned have been fantastic, for which I am truly grateful. I have to say she rarely has a poo accident now but has never had a dry night because her bladder is very underdeveloped and only holds about 100ml of urine before voiding involuntarily.
Please talk to the mum about how to manage this, my dd could clean up after herself at 6 as long as she had privacy and supplies of wipes and nappy bags and being the youngest in her year she was just 7 when she first went to a sleepover for a birthday. You may just need to check the bathroom over and dispose of the waste for her.

Original poster

netime · 20/05/2012 21:29

oh dear i just re read my op and it sounded really heartless and now i feel really awful, i dint mean how it came across, its not the fact i dont want to clean up poo, ( i deal with poo every day with 3 dogs and 5 cats) its the intimate nature of the cleaning up the poo as i know my own dd wont let anyone but me deal with that area, please im so sorry if i have upset anyone it was not my intention, the poor girl does not have a medical problem apparently she started doing this when new baby arrived ( 7 months), we live in a rural area and mum lives 4 miles away in town and cant drive, i think i will re arrange the day as many of you suggested and make it an all day event rather than sleepover

OP posts:

BobblyGussets · 20/05/2012 21:35

LongDistance, your nephew sounds so unloved. I would be speaking to his parents or phoning social services for that. The poor child.

TheSecondComing · 20/05/2012 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/05/2012 21:39

Definitely think the idea of an all day event is a good one. Can't believe the mother thought that she could send her daughter to a sleepover though.

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