Do I need some kind of parenting book I wonder?

[Ozziegirly]

So, DS is 20 months and I've not really used a parenting book before, apart from "What to Expect" for the more factual stuff.

But now he's approaching (and having) occasional pre-tantrums and saying no to things and the like, I wonder if I should have a bit of "back up" from a parenting book, instead of just winging it all.

Can anyone recommend a nice, normal book that basically tells you how to bring up nice, well mannered, non violent, pleasant boys, but not being too "extreme" - I'm not really an "attachment" type parent as he sleeps in his own cot, was weaned ages ago and I'm not overly lentilly, but equally I'm quite easy going and don't expect him to exhibit perfect manners or never answer back or anything - albeit I come down like a ton of bricks on any hitting, biting etc (thankfully not had to deal with this much yet).

Any suggestions for such a book?

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn has a lot of food for thought.

"I try very hard not to find my 5 year old annoying when she won't do as she's asked and remember that that's NORMAL for a child her age." Yes, that's true - it's not reasonable to expect them to see things from your point of view, which is a skill that comes with age (and not always then!) It's hard, though. I found that however much I tried to be patient I invariably lost it in the end.

It's also interesting that as a parent you don't always learn from experience. For example, my DD is much older now but has never got into the habit of keeping her room tidy or putting her clothes away. I've tried asking nicely, nagging, cajoling, wheedling and shouting. None of these work so it's probably time to try a new tactic! I never do, though. I probably need a book for dealing with older children.

It was a while ago now but I read lots - I didn't rate "Toddler taming" either (seems to be love/ hate on here for that one )

I thought the Biddulph's books were better. Also remember the "What to expect" books fondly for milestone spotting - it all keeps you going !

Try not to see it too much as a problem to be solved is my advice - too many books seem to have that premise, but I expect they feel that will help them sell !

Just for a title I prefer "Raising Happy Children" {and content is better too)

"Three in a bed" was really interesting - lots of anthropological stuff about how babies and children are raised in other societies. Quite lentil weavery but since I naturally went down the attachment parenting path that was very reassuring for me

I really enjoy parenting books, but the trick is to pick out those bits that will be useful to you and your situation and disregard those that won't be.

I found all of the following to contain useful advice and techniques, without slavishly following every suggestion they contained:

Positive Discipline: The First Three Years - Nelson, Erwin, Duffy (lots of suggestions for non-punitive ways of dealing with toddlers)
How To Talk....
Playful Parenting
Toddler Taming
Your Toddler Month By Month - Dr Tanya Byron
How To Get Your Kid To Eat... - Ellyn Satter (lots of great advice specifically on eating issues)

Confident Toddler Care - Jo Frost (has a lot of fans, but I haven't tried it myself. I'm not a big fan of The Naughty Step, but there are lots of other techniques she uses that can come in handy)

any books with good tips for helping a toddler understand about things he has to do when asked? (especially things that involve sitting and getting things done e.g. dentist, hair cut.) DH is getting quite stressed at the moment with tantrums and we're struggling to find the right way to handle it.

i don't like to see my pfb all upset. DH thinks I'm a big softy and i think he's too far towards treating a 2 and a half year old like he's older.

I've just remembered that i got a book shop gift voucher for my birthday so could do with a recommendation too!

not sure whether recent toddler extra grumpiness is to do with very new sibling so any books that cover that also welcome!

thanks. :)

I have just come across "Raising Happy Brothers and Sisters", which I am finding brilliant and would recommend for anyone with more than one child - so maybe not for the OP yet, but I thought I'd mention it in the context of good parenting books.

jaggy- Siblings Without Rivalry (by the same people that did How To Talk So Kids Will Listen) is very good. Congrats on your new baby :)

jaggy I think you absolutely have to make allowances for very new sibling !

Congrats to you all by the way

My DD went through a phase of poking new baby brother in the eye - as she quickly discovered it got the quickest/ most dramatic results

They're great friends now though - 10 years on

The authors of Your Baby - Week by Week have now got a book out called Baby to Toddler - Month by Month. Has five star reviews on Amazon, so were I not past that stage I'd be giving it a go as the first book was so good.

Raising Boys.
But not the Girls book whatever it is called.

I really liked Penelope Leach's philosophical approach, even though she's low on specific situational advice.
When you get to the potty training stage, we found "Potty Training Boys" by Simone Cave and Caroline Fertleman great.

DP and I LOVE "What Every Parent Needs To Know -The incredible effects of love, nurture and play on your child's development" by Margot Sunderland. An easy read, very reassuring and full of handy tips which make you go "Of course that's the way to do it!" DD is 2 in a couple of weeks and this book has stood us in such good stead throughout our journey into parenting and getting the very best out of it for her and ourselves. It consistently points towards what is essential; love, warmth and responsiveness.

I have always loved Penelope Leach. (Though mainly because she agrees with me!)

This book is fabulous.

?Raising Happy Children? Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson (Hodder & Stoughton)

There are probably a number of books with the same title. This one is brilliant and helped me to see my little one as an individual.

books.google.co.uk/books/about/Raising_Happy_Children.html?id=NCMBHzDz5zIC

Amongst other things the weblink says "This is a book to enable - not to preach. Pragmatic and parent-friendly, humorous and intelligent, Raising Happy Children provides all the information and options you need to negotiate vital and stressful areas of parenthood."

I would go to a library and browse and if you find something that appeals to the way that you like to parent then maybe take it home. I had Toddler Taming when ds was a thrower of many wobblies and to be totally honest I suspect that following the advice in the book probably made the situation worse because it just didn't work for us. Most of parenting is I think muddling through and waiting for them to grow out of the undesirable behaviour.

Bear in mind that many of the more authoritative writers are essentially just giving you their opinion, and those that use studies often have a tendency to cherry pick, so don't take anything as being gospel. Personally I like things that are factual, so like reading about brain development etc, I just really dislike the style of much of the advice proffered especially those that lean heavily on stereotype (all girls will be like this, or all boys will need that stuff seriously gets my goat).

Not a parenting book per se, but fascinating to parents (in the light of nooka's comment above) is Lise Eliot's Pink Brain, Blue Brain. It's very interesting when it comes to debunking the many assumptions that are made about the differences between boys and girls - while exploring those differences that do exist and discussing how to get the best out of girls and boys without sticking them in gender-labelled boxes and so limiting their opportunities to shine as individuals.

Hackmum - a little while ago I bought a book on executive skills as I feel that I never learnt them when I was young. It's called "Smart but Scattered" by Dawson and Guare and is about kids learning skills like organisation, staying focused and following things through.

Its rather American, but interesting, and it talks about what level of different executive skills you should be able to expect from what age i.e. not expecting a toddler to be able to tidy her own room all in one go on her own, and how to enhance any skills that a child might have fallen behind in.

Something as simple as keeping a bedroom tidy, for example, involves lots of skills - not just organising, but task initiation, sustained attention and working memory. If your daughter struggles with any of these then she may find it difficult.

The book talks about how to break the job down into smaller pieces, and how to fade the supervision. (i.e. a child with a toddler level of sustained attention might need you to be there the whole time doing the job with them but eventually you should be able to get to the point where you remind a child that it needs doing and check afterwards that its been done).

Here it is Smart but Scattered I haven't read any other books on parenting executive skills, so I don't know if its the best of its kind, but its probably the kind of book that could help, and does use tidying bedrooms as an example.

What I liked about this is that its recognising that a child isn't necessarily being willfully disobedient in not tidying her room, she just hasn't learnt how to do everything involved in a way that doesn't overwhelm her. I certainly didn't enjoy having a messy room as a kid, I just found find it difficult to stay on top of things.

HTH and that the idea of buying a parenting book to try and learn somethings as an adult that I didn't learn as a kid isn't too weird

I'd recommend

Little Angels - Tanya Byron

and

Playful Parenting