Do I need some kind of parenting book I wonder?

[Ozziegirly]

So, DS is 20 months and I've not really used a parenting book before, apart from "What to Expect" for the more factual stuff.

But now he's approaching (and having) occasional pre-tantrums and saying no to things and the like, I wonder if I should have a bit of "back up" from a parenting book, instead of just winging it all.

Can anyone recommend a nice, normal book that basically tells you how to bring up nice, well mannered, non violent, pleasant boys, but not being too "extreme" - I'm not really an "attachment" type parent as he sleeps in his own cot, was weaned ages ago and I'm not overly lentilly, but equally I'm quite easy going and don't expect him to exhibit perfect manners or never answer back or anything - albeit I come down like a ton of bricks on any hitting, biting etc (thankfully not had to deal with this much yet).

Any suggestions for such a book?

I also use toddler taming - I started with his book Babies and loved the fact that he acknowledged that babies are different, with their own personalities. The he gave some different suggestions to try with different personality types. He also says of some situations "This is one you just have to ride out" which is honest!

In regards to a previous comment about the effectiveness of it, I do time out. I call it 'sitting by yourself' and it works beautifully, wherever we are. I've done it in a supermarket (sat her in a trolley facing the wall at the end of an aisle), at toddler group (sitting in the hallway just outside), in a car park (strapped into her car seat), at a beach..... because it's not associated with any particular location, she just has to sit on her own wherever I choose, it is portable. For us, it lifts her out of the fun and makes her sit on the edge of it for a minute or two while everyone carries on enjoying themselves without her. She's a sociable little thing and hates that. It works well enough for us that actually I rarely do it these days. All I have to do is say (in a very stern voice) "If you do that again you will sit by yourself". She's got a big frown that she turns on me to let me know she's not happy but she usually complies!

Dear Ozzie,
I am an avid consumer of all kinds of parenting books. From that heap I would instantly pick one (and I feel no need to get any more on tantrums, unless you want more of that approach): Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter. This is undoubtedly THE kindest and most thoughtful book with longest foresight. Tantrums will not go away when they are suppressed. Just the feelings get suppressed and that is not helpful to anyone. Instead, that will do huge damage to your relationship. Take it from me -- I have no-noed my 5 year old tantrums from the age of about 20 months, and things were rapidly going downhill. I have now another little tantrumer, who I have approached a la Solter: our mutual bond is excellent. Even the 5 year old is slowly recovering from the whiner he used to be and we are growing back together
Tantrums are an opportunity, not a threat, I have learnt.
Best of luck!
M

I would suggest Toddler Taming. Found it useful and helped when I was at the end of my tether with dd. It changed my perspective on toddler behaviour and have loaned it to my friend who is finding it useful too.

another vote for How to talk to kids - we did not need another book!

playful parenting

Quite simply the best parenting book ever. All the people I have bought this book for have totally loved it

I loved How To Talk So Kids Will Listen too. Some of the cartoons are a bit twee but overall it has some fantastic ideas in it. Adventures in Gentle Discipline is a good one as well, not sure if it's still in print though.

I thought this was helpful. Its kind of HTTSKWL for the under fours. It's not a manual but helps you to see things from a very young child's perspective. social toddler

What to expect books
Toddler Taming - Green
Elizabeth Pantley - no-cry sleep solution
Steve Biddulph books - loads of fluff - said loads without saying anything
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
and Parenting superpowers :)

Thanks for the recommendations on here, have bought DH HTTSKWL and Toddler Taming...

Not before time, tonight he's asked what bedtime story she wants, she's chosen The Gingerbread Man for the third night in a row - so he read Goldilocks

I was disappointed with Playful Parenting - I returned it to Amazon.

Some of my faves:

Penelope Leach - Your baby and child (a classic!)
The Idle Parent - brilliant, every parent should read this!
A spoonful of sugar - Liz Fraser
The no-cry discipline solution

Toddler Taming is rubbish imo, sorry.

erm......lentilly in relation to attachement parenting??? eh?

i consider myself an attachement style parent. i weaned off thr boob at 12 months and generally dc sleep in their own beds.

but wait...i don't shave my legs and generally wear handwoven items and drivel on about chakras and stuff......no really

meanwhile i also rate toxic childhood.

The problem is now though, my 11 year old has started to read my parenting books - anyone else's dc do this??

Oh and not really a parenting books but How to live Dangerously - Warwick Cairns

To be honest if I had my time again i would ignore all books and go by instinct. OP, you sound as if you are really on the ball and don't need a book! But of all the ones I read, I liked Toddler Taming the best. Even if the toddler is only just fully tamed, aged 23!

The Incredible Years is fab

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043

i also hated toddler taming

How to Talk is a great book, but not for age 2, I wouldn't have thought (although always worth reading it ahead). It seems to me more for children old enough to have a conversation with - from 4 or so, but lots seems to apply more to children older than that. Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" has a lot of good advice on communicating with 2-year-olds - it's been described on here before as How to Talk for toddlers. Some of it's a bit OTT, but the basic advice is golden.

I have just read Momma Zen by Karen Miller and found it suprisingly helpful. I am not remotely lentilly or into new age fluffywuffle bollocks as my DH put it...but some of it did make sense (only caveat is that the author has one child and I have three which can put a different slant on things). I would recommend it as an interesting read even if you want a more traditional 'manual' approach. I personally would say trust your instinct and find your own path though!

Baby Sense by Megan Faure & Ann Richardson but seeing as your ds is 20mths I recommend Toddler Sense as well

They are the only parenting guides I've read, and all I've ever needed

Toddler Taming by Christopher Green - I knew that book word for word!

I like the very simple premise - ignore the undesirable, attention-seeking behaviour, and reward the good. It is very funny and pragmatic too. Nothing woolly or vague.

Thank you so much, it's so helpful to get these recommendations. I think as there are so many I shall check some out of the library before buying.

Also, so thrilled to be on discussions of the day - my second thread in about 5 years! whoo!

I'd recommend Raising Happy Children

the science of parenting by margot sunderland.

I hated Toddler Taming. The title alone is enough to put you off - toddlers can be annoying, but they are still human.

When my DD was at the toddler stage, I never found anything that was at all helpful. (I'm sure good books exist, I just didn't come across them.) Penelope Leach was almost as annoying as Christopher Green, but from the other end of the spectrum.

The thing that has never been resolved for me is this: with toddlers, you spend all your time trying to get them to do the thing you want them to do and stop them doing the thing they want to do. But I never worked out how to do this. They don't really understand rewards and punishment, ime, and live entirely in the present. Short of thumping them (which I wasn't going to do) there didn't seem to be a satisfactory answer.

Agree Hackmum

Reading the No-cry discipline solution recently has really changed my thinking about small children. They are NOT mini adults and hence do not think as such. It really helps me to remember that their brains are still developing and most small children are naturally selfish and egocentric. I try very hard not to find my 5 year old annoying when she won't do as she's asked and remember that that's NORMAL for a child her age. Very difficult in practice when you're tired and you want to get your child to bed but trying to stay calm really helps the situation. I don't think punishment works well either, it just p*es the child off. I think you have to take a long-term view: you may have a child who doesn't always behave as you'd like but the aim is to teach them gradually and eventually they will get the message. As long as they turn out all right in the long run.