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Original poster

Nana ruining baby's routine!!!

30 replies

Laura32 · 01/05/2012 17:46

hey ladies,any advise on this would be massively appreciated!!! Were living with inlaws while we save to buy a house- all seemed a lovely idea but in reality,nana & grandad are 30 years behind and dont do anything I ask! They rinse bottles instead of washing,ignore my routines and get baby over excited before bed & have insisted baby is weaned at 16 weeks! How do I keep them all happy?!! :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sabriel · 01/05/2012 17:50

Firstly you can't keep them all happy unless you do what they want without question. How can they insist the baby is weaned at 16 weeks? Are they looking after him/her on their own? If not you just say no.

I do sympathise. I lived with my mum for 3 months and got so fed up with the low level interference with my 2 yo DD that I moved out a lot sooner than we'd all anticipated.

FayeGovan · 01/05/2012 17:53

why the bloody hell would you think living with your in laws would be a lovely idea?

I mean seriously?

WinkyWinkola · 01/05/2012 17:55

You don't need to keep your in laws happy. Move out ASAP. They sound disrespectful and interfering.

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Original poster

Laura32 · 01/05/2012 17:57

Well they are lovely people...!!! They just don't know about modern childcare... Nana has baby one day a week on her own and has started feeding him solids... He seems fine with it but still...her lack if patience means I want to move out ASAP now!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Laura32 · 01/05/2012 17:58

Plus were not really here by mutual choice, we are mega skint and have our hands tied a bit financially....

OP posts:

RationalBrain · 01/05/2012 18:13

Um, why is she making the parenting decisions instead of you?

If its important to you, put the effort into educating them on why these things are important put your foot down.

minibmw2010 · 01/05/2012 18:46

Put your foot down, it is not OK that she is feeding solids on her one day a week and
It's down to you to protect your DD and stop her !!!

Niceupthedance · 01/05/2012 18:51

Can you print off some updated guidelines from WHO and show her, or bring out your birth - 5 book?

zipzap · 01/05/2012 19:17

Ask her about what she did for her childen. See if she did the same as her parents/MIL and what advice had changed between the gp bringing their dc (ie her) up and what she did with her kids... find out where she found her advice from - dr spock, the doctor, etc etc

Then - depending on how this conversation goes, there are 2 options:
1 - if she got annoyed with old fashioned advice from her dp/pil then ask her (nicely to start with) how she thinks things have moved on in the last 30 years. Cot deaths is the really obvious one to discuss as there are stats to prove that it makes a difference, which can then lead on to other things such as weaning dates and allergies, etc Point out that when she had her baby she wanted to do the best most up to date thing for it then and wouldn't she like the same for her grandchild (ie the best most up to date advice not to do the same as she did!) and that although you are using different methods, you are both doing the same thing - using the best and most up to date information to look after your children

OR - 2 - if she did what her PIL/parents told her... then ask her if she wants the best for her grandchild and if so - how can she think that information that is 60 years old is really the best - would she like to forego all medicines/surgeries/treatments that have been developed in the last 60 years for herself and fil regardless of what ailments come their way? And if not then why does she think that she should have the right to do that over her gc - especially when her parents don't agree!

didn't someone like hugh fernley whittingstall's mum write a good granny guide that was supposed to be quite good? Or introduce her to gransnet?

good luck - sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Original poster

Laura32 · 01/05/2012 21:23

Thanks all,helpful stuff! I love my inlaws hugely, me & my my mr just got through an awful year where he had cancer while I was preggers!!! We would be lost without them,but I'm gonna sit down with my prof Robert Winston DVDs and go through the 'new ways' with them both- it's the only way I think...otherwise I'll get too anxious to have fun and I don't want baby to get confused & see me stressed all the time!!

OP posts:

laracroft2001 · 02/05/2012 08:24

Hi Laura
Just wanted to say I feel your pain with the in laws!! My mil insists I should have weaned at like 4 weeks as my partner 'was on solids at two weeks old' (and was obese as a child funny enough) loves bouncing the baby after a feed (!!!?!?) and then says 'god he is a sicky baby' and just completely does not understand the concept of wind down time.
Thankfully they live an hour away so only have to put up with it on visits, and my DP is good at (trying) to put her in her place.

Oh and another.... Tickling baby etc when he is feeding.... Would you want your feet played with when you're having your dinner!!

Sorry hi-jack here and rant over.

Op advice is really good- you do need to have a subtle conversation if it's bothering you. Feeding him solids before you gave consent is out of order IMO. She will mean well- its just channelling it properly!

Good luck :)

matana · 02/05/2012 10:31

Tbh i think you just need to be brutally honest with them - your baby, your rules. Becoming a mum is about more than helping your child feed, sleep and grow, it's about making a step change in confidence in yourself and your capabilities and trust that your way is the right way, and part of that is about telling people to butt out, stop interfering and let you do it your way if you don't agree with them. You don't have to be nasty about it (not seriously suggesting you say "Butt out and stop interfering!") but you do need to be quite direct to ensure they cannot misunderstand you.

cory · 02/05/2012 17:25

I would just modify matana's dictum a tiny bit:

Your rules as long as it does not seriously inconvenience the other people who are expected to live with her or look after her.

E.g. if you were sending her to a childminder's you couldn't expect the childminder to adapt routines and needs of all the mindees to suit your child's: there would have to be compromises; for instance a baby's sleep routine might have to be tweaked if the CM was also doing sleep pick-ups.

Or if an elderly person was looking after a baby, they might need to tweak any routines of yours that were simply too tiring for them. My db used to rock his babies to sleep in his arms whilst dancing around the room, which was fine for him, but a lot to ask of his 70yo parents! (in the end my mother rebelled and refused to do it- in that particular instance, your baby your rules didn't really work)

But in the case of early weaning, that argument doesn't really hold: they can't claim holding off weaning for a few more weeks is seriously inconveniencing them; this is a very reasonable ask from you.

Having said this, if your ILs are both housing you and providing free childcare, you will need to be very tactful about how you stand up for your rights.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 19:53

You don't need to convince them of your ideas on how to raise your child. You TELL them. Your baby your decisions.

Its not open to discussion. I can't believe your mil just started to give the baby solids without you permission! Fucking cheek!

Original poster

Laura32 · 03/05/2012 13:27

Well this has made me realise a lot of you hate your own families. That's quite sad.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 03/05/2012 13:40

Really!? Its not about whether you like someone but whether you stick up for your child and are assertive so that they raised in the way you want.

I don't see the connection. You like them so you will let them walk all over you and wean your child against your wishes?!

WinkyWinkola · 03/05/2012 13:47

I love my family but I would never let them tell me what to do with my children. Nor would I let them do what they liked with my children regardless of my feelings on the matter.

Still, nobody can stop you being a doormat - only you can do that.

butterfingerz · 03/05/2012 16:17

I love my mother but she said breastfeeding babies once they have teeth is perverse, and she breastfed myself and my two sisters, you'd think she'd be a bit more liberal! I intend on BF my DS as long as he wants to.

That's a bit of a digression but OP, you have to do what you think is right. You can still be kind to your MIL about it, as long as you get across the message that there are things you want to be done your way, the reasons why and how strongly you feel about it. Parenting styles constantly change, scientific data is constantly being updated, I'm sure your MIL kind of realises this.

My mum thought it was ok to let us 'cry it out', that crying could not harm a baby... now of course, there is a huge body of evidence to the contrary. My older sister had a TV in her bedroom from being a young toddler, now of course we know exposure to TV, especially in a child's bedroom, is really bad for their developing brains.

lesstalkmoreaction · 03/05/2012 16:26

Ask your health visitor to visit, tell her in advance what the problems are and remind your in-laws who the parents are.

Original poster

Laura32 · 03/05/2012 18:56

I raise my child how I feel is right.
Do not call someone a door mat unless you know them personally.
I wanted advise on keeping my in laws happy,not nasty criticism of my family
If you cant be bothered to read the post,don't comment.
I said nana was ruining babies routine,not his life.

I thought this site was for helpful advise from other mums but it seems there are a lot of angry women who think they know it all..!!! Well done, I probably won't be back.
Those who actually offered advise, thank you. I took it and it's all been sorted! X

OP posts:

tiddlerslate · 03/05/2012 20:36

Oh give over with the mega flounce! I'm quite shocked that your MIL would actually wean your child without your permission. You can be firm without upsetting your MIL.

It's in your child's interest to do so. If she thinks it is ok to wean against your wishes then what will be next?

PorkyandBess · 03/05/2012 20:41

Arf at rapid flounce!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/05/2012 20:43

Eh? I've just read and re-read the thread and I can't see anything that would lead to a flounce. Have I just become immune to MN's bluntness or is the OP mad ?

matana · 03/05/2012 20:53

lol ATruth it's called de-sensitisation - a similar process to watching ultra-violent movies on repeat. I can definitely see the similarities between MN and A Clockwork Orange.

PooPooInMyToes · 03/05/2012 21:38

What the hell!

OP what are you on about?

Why are you so desperate to keep your in laws happy when they are not respecting you and your position as the mother one tiny bit! And why get so defensive when this pointed it?

I feel like I've entered crazy land!

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